Oh, Ryan Lochte.
Oh, Ryan Lochte, oh, Ryan Lochte.
You are just so stupid.
I mean, I always knew you were the stupidest Olympic swimmer of our generation, and that you tended to be a frat boy type, and that your hair looks really terrible blonde.
But I never thought you would lie about getting mugged in Rio to cover up your own vandalism.
For all that’s good in this world, Ryan Lochte, you stupid, stupid man, you are 32 years old. Shouldn’t you know better by now?
So here it is, the epic battle you’ve all been waiting for (now that April Ross and Kerri Walsh Jennings took the bronze in beach volleyball, that is): Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie from Family Guy!
“What?” you’re saying. Or possibly “WTF” if you’re one of those hip young kids nowadays. “What could Dora the Explorer and Stewie from Family Guy possibly have in common?”
Well, I’ll tell you. Their heads are both shaped like footballs.
So, on that exceedingly flimsy basis: On to the battle!
Physicality. Dora the Explorer is a cartoon girl with a head shaped like a football. Stewie from Family Guy is a creepy cartoon baby with a head shaped like a football. Who is more attractive? Well, you’ll notice I used the word “creepy” to describe one of them. The winner is the one who isn’t creepy. Winner? Dora the Explorer.
Goes on marvelous adventures? Dora the Explorer goes on marvelous adventures. Stewie from Family Guy, I don’t know, makes the same jokes over and over? (I, ah, don’t watch Family Guy. I kind of hate it. Probably this won’t go well for the creepy football-shaped head baby from Family Guy). Winner? Dora the Explorer.
Is friends with a talking animal? Well, isn’t this a coincidence! Dora the Explorer’s best friend is a talking monkey. Stewie from Family Guy’s best friend is a talking dog. What is up with cartoons, right? Winner? It’s a tie.
Is more homicidal? Stewie the creepy awful murder baby from Family Guy wants to kill his mom, unless they’re done with that joke.
Dora the Explorer wants to teach kids colors and shapes and things like that. She seems nice. Winner? Stewie from Family Guy.
Knows how to use a map? You’d think it would be Dora the Explorer, right? But this is a trick question, because Dora has a map that flies and sings! (I think? It’s been a while since my kid was young enough to watch this show.) Anyway, whatever magical things Dora the Explorer’s map does, it’s not something a real map would do. But what of Stewie from Family Guy, you ask? Eh, he probably uses GPS. Winner? Nobody.
Overall winner in this fictional character battle that shows I’m desperately running out of ideas and need to be exposed to more characters from pop culture, STAT? Dora the Explorer, but only because I hate Family Guy so much.
SQUEEEEE! Did you see Simone Manuel win the gold in the women’s 100 free last night, and the way she’s the first African-American woman to ever win a gold in swimming?
And speaking of Simones, did you see how awesome Simone Biles was at gymnastics?
Oooh, and Michael Phelps won another gold medal and then competed in the 100 fly!
It was SO EXCITING!!!!!
You know I love the Olympics, right? So I’ve been following the Summer Games pretty faithfully, staying up way past my bedtime and such.
And last night, swimmer Katie Ledecky won her second gold of this year’s Olympics, and Michael Phelps (I feel like I shouldn’t need to identify him as a swimmer, because he’s the one everybody’s heard of) won two more golds, which means he officially has enough gold medals to finance his career as a supervillain.
And you know what our local paper had about the Olympics in the sports section?
An article about Olympic athletes hooking up on Tinder.
Which is interesting and all, and would be even more interesting if my favorite Olympic athletes were looking to hook up with out-of-shape schlubs from Montana on Tinder, but … maybe not worthy of being the only article about the Olympics in the sports section?
So, is it just me or did Shaun White all of a sudden get really handsome?
It’s true. I don’t care about the Superbowl at all. I know it’s probably unpatriotic. Feel free to confiscate my miniature American flag.
Everyone I know watches the Superbowl. Even my parents do, and they don’t watch sports on TV at all.
Once, when I still worked at the newspaper, I got involved in the Superbowl pot at work. My friend in the sports department gave me a buck and chuckled a little when I turned in my form and explained my strategy: I picked the teams with the cooler names. For instance, if the Vikings were playing the Dolphins, I picked the Vikings. While Vikings are horrific bastards, dolphins are horrific-er bastards, so therein lies the logic.
And so, despite my rather illogical method, it came down to me and a photographer for the whole pot.
“You’ll have to watch the Superbowl now,” the sports department said.
“What, aren’t you guys going to have a headline about it tomorrow?” I wondered.
“Well, yes,” they said.
“Oh, good, because otherwise that would ruin my streak of not watching any sports except for the Olympics, which I really only watch for the patriotism in inspires in me.”
And later I won the pot.
The moral of the story is: If I don’t care about the Superbowl at all when there’s money on the line, what makes you think I can even remember who’s playing this year?
Anyway, I’m sorry or something.
There’s just something about a shy, awkward guy with kind of big ears who is just a swimming machine that makes me all squishy inside. (Or, you know, more squishy.) And so I’ve always rooted for Michael Phelps at the Olympics, because he is the best swimmer evah and I love him GO AMERICA!
And so, since the start of the Olympics buzz, I’ve been looking for a reason to dislike Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps’ main competition, who seems like a nice, attractive guy who happens to be in awesome shape and just wants to win some gold himself. I mean he’s so hard to hate!
But now, I finally have a reason.
So lately I’ve had a raging attack of the not-funnies with a side helping of “nothing to write about,” so I apologize for that. But the Olympics are almost here, so I’m sure I’ll be able to come up with things like how Michael Phelps’ co-Olympians have got some drama queens in the mix, like “Boo-hoo, he won’t hang out with me and NBA players will,” like maybe the NBA players only did it because they didn’t know you were such a jerk, really, jeez.
So I hope everybody has got tons of tiny little flags to wave at their televisions, because go (insert your country here)! Whooo! Olympics!
Theme weeks are a little bit limiting, so rest assured that next week, I will go back to pop culture stuff, and possibly the Olympics (Olympics!) if I come up with a good idea, but for now, here’s a list of 10 snowboard trick names that what the hell were they thinking?
1. Double McTwist 1260. Shaun White didn’t even need to do this trick to win his gold medal, but he did, because he knew we wanted to see it. It doesn’t have an official name yet, but right now, everybody is calling it the Double McTwist, which makes it sound like some sort of extra-large McDonald’s milkshake thing.
2. Backside rodeo. Err, this sounds like some sort of sex thing.
3. Chicken salad air. This site describes it thusly: “The rear hand reaches behind the front leg, grabs the heel side between the bindings while the front leg is boned. Also, the wrist is rotated inwards to complete the grab.” That’s all fine and dandy, but what the hell chicken salad?
4. Gay twist. This actually sounds like a move Johnny Weir might whip out on the ice-skating floor. In fact, maybe he should sue them.
5. Roast beef. I’m starting to think snowboarders are a voraciously hungry lot.
6. Stiffy air. “Any maneuver in which both legs are boned and a grab is incorporated.” I should say so! Hey-yo!
7. Tail poke. Come on, you guys! Why are you trying to sound even gayer than football, with the “tight ends” and all? Is it all food and homoeroticism for snowboarders? Is it? IS IT?
8. Hammer. The name’s not that funny, but the description — “to ride as hard as possible” — is certainly supporting my earlier theory.
9. Iguana air. In which the rear hand grabs the toe edge near the tail. Exactly like an iguana would do.
10. Nose butter. Is apparently “when you do a nose manual and your feet are facing forwards.” Not the punchline of a bad joke, like, “she’s a butternose. Everything’s hot but … oh, wait, I mean nose butter.” Also, not a synonym for snot. (?)
So I finally got around to watching a trailer for Scorsese’s Shutter Island. And I’m not quite sure what happens in it, except that Leonardo DiCaprio embarrasses himself with the crappiest accent this side of Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. (Except that I love Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, so to hell with his shite accent!)
DiCaprio shows up at the island and is met by Ben Kingsley, who is playing an evil doctor. You can tell he’s evil because they got Ben Kingsley. Why bother to get Ben Kingsley if the doctor is going to be good or even average? You wouldn’t bother, because he is Sir Ben Kingsley, and this doctor is going to be evil as hell. As hell, sir.
Then there’s the crazy people like crazy shushie lady and crazy guy in a cage and crazy Leonardo DiCaprio and his crazy accent. (Yeah, I think he goes crazy at some point, kind of like whoever (whomever?) put together this trailer.)
Also, it’s not clear, but I think this movie is set, like, in the ’50s, because the nurses are all wearing those white dress uniforms, which nurses just don’t do nowadays because of the bleeding and vomiting that their patients do. God bless the modern nurse.
I’ll bet you’re wondering what all this has to do with the Olympics. Well, Frak-all, actually, but this movie just looked so horrible I couldn’t not warn you.
It’s like Scorsese was all focusing on camera angles and atmosphere and forgot to make sure his actors could use accents they don’t even need for some reason. Also the thing that makes things make sense. Plot. Yeah, that.