Man, that’s a long post title.
Anyway, recently, you’ve noticed your significant other seems to be displaying some sort of ice-related powers. First off, that’s really cool! (Ha, ha, get it? Do you get it? It was a joke! Do you get it?) Secondly, which ice-powered superbeing could your significant other be?
Let’s find out, via the power of making a list!
1. Elsa from Frozen. Let’s just get her out of the way, shall we? If you’re dating Elsa from Frozen, you’re dating an icy blonde with anime eyes and an inferiority complex THIS BIG.
She’s also got a hot sister, but hands off, you know?
2. The Ice King. If you’re dating Adventure Time’s The Ice King, then you’re a princess! Good for you.
And he’s a musician … ladies.
3. The Snow Queen. More royalty! Just be careful, because, like the Blondie song, she’s got a heart of … wait, what is that song, anyway?
This is a picture of the Snow Queen from Fables. You should read Fables.
4. Mr. Freeze. Prepare yourself for cold-related puns or a tragic backstory. It really depends on which continuity you’re in.
“Whatcha doing, honey?”
“Oh, just chilling.”
5. Iceman. The X-Men’s Iceman seems like he would be a nice boy to take home to meet your parents, unless they have some sort of anti-mutant bigotry thing going on.
“Why is your boyfriend naked?” — Your parents
6. Jack Frost. The personification of winter, before Hans Christian Anderson came along and was all: “Winter is obviously a girl, and a mean one, der!”, if you’re dating Jack Frost, and he asks you if you’re chilly, just say no.
Same goes for if he asks: “Do these pants make me look fat?”
7. Storm. Not only does Storm have snow and ice powers, she could also make a balmy day so the two of you could enjoy a relaxing picnic together. That’s nice.
Although leather gets pretty sweaty, so she might stick with snow, thank you very much.
8. Yuki-Onna. Oh, right, the Japanese also think Winter is a lady, but at least she’s beautiful.
Unlike other snow queens, yuki onna is always a brunette.
9. Santa Claus. Santa Claus has snow powers, right?
“Sure, baby, sure.”
10. Elijah Snow. Whoa, whoa, buddy. If you’re dating Elijah Snow, you are stepping ALL OVER my territory. That’s just not cool. (It’s a joke, do you get it? Ha ha!) Seriously, though, stay away from my boy Elijah, or I will end you.
I’ll always love you, Elijah Snow!
I don’t know whether Benedict Cumberbatch as Julian Assange in The Fifth Estate is supposed to be a towhead, silver fox or what, but all I know is now that I’ve seen him with really white hair, he absolutely has to play Elijah Snow in the live-action Planetary movie that lives in my head.
I mean it.
I really, really mean it.
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As I recently re-read my collection of Planetary, also known as One of the Best Damned Comic Books Ever!, I saved for last the great Planetary/Batman crossover: Night on Earth. Actually, I didn’t really save it for last. I read it first and then read it again after I’d read the others.
And then, just for good measure, I read it a third time!
Because it’s awesome, that’s why.
Because Jakita Wagner meets Batman (finally!) and she says (not word for word, but kind of paraphrase-y): “Sometimes beating a man dressed in a bat fetish costume is the only thing keeping me sane.”
And then they totally flirt.
God bless you, Jakita Wagner, the world would be a better place if more people would just admit that.
Also, because it’s a multiverse tale, you get to enjoy not just one, not just two, but several (shut up, math is hard) Batmans! Batmen? From the classic Bob Kane vision to Adam West as Batman to Frank Miller to a whole bunch of Batmen (Batmans?) I don’t even recognize, you’ve got a Batman for every discerning taste.
This version later goes on to say "Bat-apologies," which is awesome, and something I intend to incorporate into my daily lexicon.
Also, Elijah Snow is there, and Elijah Snow makes everything awesome.
Shortly after seeing this image, I took up smoking.
So, you should read Planetary/Batman: Night on Earth.
Especially if you’re everyone.
Don't make scary Batman sad.
Ever since I mentioned it in my last Holmes face-off, I’ve been wondering how the genius detective would fare against the genius mystery archeologist. So I’ve decided to go ahead and have two of my favorite fictional characters ever in the whole world meet in battle. And by battle, I mean, you know, a list of things that I like about them.
At any rate: Sherlock Holmes! Versus! Elijah Snow!
Oh, God, how can I ever choose?
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes is a tall, gangly and somewhat homely fellow, except when he’s played by the dashing Robert Downing Jr. and the exceedingly beautiful Benedict Cumberbatch. Elijah Snow is a white fox who looks hella good in a white suit. Winner? *sob* I just … I just can’t … They’re both so … it’s a tie.
Has superpowers? Elijah Snow has the superpower of heat subtraction, which is basically the ability to make things colder than a witch’s tit after she’s been sunbathing nude in February. Sherlock Holmes has the superpower of being smarter than you. I’m not sure that’s a real superpower. Winner? Elijah Snow.
Elijah Snow’s superpower in action. Also, he has the superpower of being a billionaire, so he can totally afford a new desk.
Was trained by a genius detective? Hey, you know who was trained by a genius detective? Elijah Snow. Elijah Snow was trained by a genius detective. Winner? Elijah Snow.
He didn’t need any training in being a badass, though.
Is the genius detective who did said training? Hey, you know who was the genius detective who trained Elijah Snow? Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes is that genius detective. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Thus it is implied that someone perhaps didn’t need any training to become a genius detective? That’s not actually a question. Shut up. You shut up. Maybe we should all shut up. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
I tell you, being smarter than you IS my superpower.
Is more than a century old? Elijah Snow is more than a century old, and he looks really good for his age too.
Stars in stories that transcend the ages? Sherlock Holmes the character is more than a century old too! Also, he will never die. Like Santa Claus! (What? It’s almost Christmas.) Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Oooh, ooh! I call dibs on “Sherlock Holmes Saves Christmas”!
Looks good in a white suit? Right now, I would like to put it out into the world that someone should dress Benedict Cumberbatch in a white suit for an episode of Sherlock. Until then, our winner is the always-stylish Elijah Snow.
We’d look so good at the opera together.
Can work a deerstalker cap like no one’s business? I don’t care if the deerstalker cap wasn’t originally canon, people can’t think of Holmes without thinking of deerstalker caps, even if they don’t know that they’re called deerstalker caps. Kind of like I didn’t know Trilby hats were called Trilby hats until this fall. I know! I went so much of my life without knowing that! Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a better sidekick? Elijah Snow actually has two sidekicks: the beautiful and deadly Jakita Wagner and The Drummer, who is crazy and can communicate with electronics and stuff. I love those guys! But Sherlock Holmes has Watson. Watson is Watson! It’s just … I can’t … don’t make me! Winner? A tie.
Jakita Wagner can jump out of helicopters without hurting anyone but you.
Has traversed the multiverse? I said it that way so it rhymed. Elijah Snow has gone to a couple of alternate earths, which is way more traversing of the multiverse than the rest of us have gotten around to, so it counts. Sherlock Holmes lives in fictional 1800s London, which, yeah, doesn’t have magic spaceships or whatever yet. Winner? Elijah Snow.
When you gaze into the multiverse, the multiverse gazes also into you.
Oh, yeah, but who’s done more traveling by hansom cab? When I was but a wee little lass reading Sherlock Holmes stories, I always thought he and Watson were traveling in attractive cabs. Ha, ha, I was really stupid. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
“What do you mean it’s ‘Hansom’?” — College Me
So it’s totally a tie. So it is.
Are you planning to do anything about that? Well, I … GAH! Why am I putting myself through this? I love these guys sooooo much! How could I choose? How could I possibly ever???
Sooooo, no tiebreaker then? *sniff*
Are you just going to keep crying? Maybe.
*Sigh*. No. No, I’m fine. Let’s go on, then. Let’s do this.
Let’s. The tie-breaking, heartbreaking final absolutely last question: Who currently stars on a show airing on the BBC? Wow, that seems really biased. Kind of like, maybe deep down, I always wanted Sherlock Holmes to take this thing. Winner? Sherlock “The Undefeatable” Holmes.
I knew she’d pick me.
Overall winner? Sherlock Holmes, mostly because he is my all-time favorite fictional character in the whole world ever, and partially because it’s winter now so things that make me colder are pissing me off.
At the request of the lovely jennibennyfan, I now present this fictional character battle between Sherlock Holmes, the best fictional detective EVAH and Sheldon Cooper, a guy on a show I have never watched.
Oooh, I sure hope she picks me.
Prepare for the lopsidedness!
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes and Sheldon Cooper are both tall and thin. However, Benedict Cumberbatch is ever so attractive. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Plus he’s got these eyes and it’s like wow, you know?
Is on a sitcom? Sheldon Cooper is a character on the Big Bang Theory, which is a sitcom! Sherlock Holmes is not currently on a sitcom, although who knows what the future may hold. Winner? Sheldon Cooper.
He is, apparently, the breakout character, so congratulations to you, Jim Parsons!
Has a girlfriend? You know who doesn’t have a girlfriend, Guy Ritchie? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t, hasn’t and NEVER WILL. Sheldon Cooper is, I guess, kind of dating Blossom maybe, but I don’t know. Still, that’s closer than never dating Irene Adler, you stupidheads. Winner? Sheldon Cooper.
Suffers from a mental illness? Sherlock Holmes and Sheldon Cooper both display slightly autistic/OCD/sociopathic traits. So, yeah, they probably both mad as hatters. Winners? It’s a tie.
Here, Sherlock Holmes makes with the crazy eyes.
Is the best fictional detective of our, or any, generation? As I previously mentioned, Sherlock Holmes is the best fictional detective EVAH! Sheldon Cooper is some kind of genius scientist. Even if he turned to solving crimes, Sherlock Holmes is my favorite forever. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a undying bond of loyalty with one special person? Sheldon Cooper’s best friend is Darlene’s boyfriend from Roseanne. (As an aside, I was so relieved when I figured that out, because I kept seeing ads for Big Bang Theory and being all I know I recognize the curly-haired guy, but who is he? Oh, right, it’s whatsisname! Yeah, good ol’ whatsisname.) They are roommates who share a (decidedly small) circle of friends. You know who else is roommates? Sherlock Holmes and his bestie John Watson is roommates. They don’t share a circle of friends, because Sherlock Holmes only needs one friend and that is Watson. If he would ever like a second friend, I would like to put in a nomination for it to be me. I wouldn’t bring much to the table, except for food. Which two struggling bachelors would need. Call me, guys! Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Fights evil on a regular basis? If Sherlock Holmes wasn’t busy fighting evil, he would probably be evil. So I guess fictional London can be grateful for that. Sheldon Cooper is a genius scientist, who maybe fights evil electrons, but I’m not sure there really is such a thing. Also, he stalked Stan Lee. That’s just awful. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Fights evil, considers taking poison. Whichever.
Has a weakness for his mum? I say mum to make it sound more British, but really, Sherlock Holmes hardly ever mentions his family, except for Mycroft, and only when he absolutely has to. So if he’s close with his mother, nobody knows it. On the other hand, Sheldon’s mother has been described as his Kryptonite. Which makes it sound like she is totally his weakness, don’t you think? Winner? Sheldon Cooper.
Has a deadly adversary? Sheldon Cooper has a long list of enemies, much like myself, but no one’s actively tried to murderize him yet, so … he’s cool, I guess. Sherlock Holmes has made enemies of most of fictional London’s fictional evildoers, including Moriarty and that guy with great aim, whose name escapes me right now. Anyway, people are always trying to kill the hell out of Sherlock Holmes. But never succeeding because he is the best. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Better fashion sense? Sheldon Cooper dresses like a wanker. There. I said it. Sherlock Holmes, on the BBC’s Sherlock, dresses quite snazzily and I wish he would come give clothing lessons to all the men I know. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Hey, Sheldon Cooper, you know who looks good in a Flash tee-shirt? No one. Not even the Flash.
This has gone on longer than I expected. I hope you’re happy, jennibennyfan.
Overall winner? In a completely unsurprising non-upset, Sherlock Holmes takes yet another fictional character battle.
I’m not sure even Elijah Snow could defeat him.
Dear future boyfriend,
First off, I just want to say that you are such a catch! I mean, here you are: a guy who puts up with me! I am so lucky to have you, future boyfriend, and I just want you to know that. I love your (insert adjective here) and the way you (verb). (Note to self: add descriptors once you actually meet future boyfriend.)
But there’s a few things you need to know, and I have incorporated them here into this handy list. It’s a list of things that I will always love more than you.
1. Elijah Snow. No matter how awesome you are, future boyfriend, unless you were trained in the art of detecting at the knee of the best fictional detective ever (Sherlock Holmes), you cannot compare to Elijah Snow.
Weakness for white foxes: revealed.
Ooooh, and also, you would have to never, ever age, and have the power to freeze stuff and then shatter the hell out of it.
For example, Dracula's crotch.
2. Speaking of the best fictional detective ever: Sherlock Holmes. It’s true, future boyfriend, that there are not many things in this world that I love more than Sherlock Holmes, and I would have to include you on the list (of things that I do not).
Guy Ritchie is something I love much, much less than Sherlock Holmes.
3. Chuck. That show is so cute and I love it (more than you). I hope, if there is a fifth season, it doesn’t suck as bad as the fifth seasons of other shows I used to love, House, I’m looking at you.
Damn, Chuck's girlfriend looks good in leather.
4. Eric Elbogen. Unless future boyfriend and Eric Elbogen are one in the same (pardon me while I laugh at my audacity!), there is just no measuring up to a guy who has written a song about playing Ms. Pac-man.
And he has a head of hair I want to tousle SO BAD.
5. Lone Wolf and Cub. No, future boyfriend, you will never be as awesome as one of the best manga series ever, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask to be alone while I read my copies.
Quiet, you! This is my "me" time!
6. Spike Spiegel. I shouldn’t have to explain why Spike Spiegel is more awesome than you, should I? Fine: he’s tall, thin, tragic yet always has a snappy comeback, and practices jeet kune do. Also, he has a spaceship and is a bounty hunter. In space. He’s a bounty hunter in space.
Bounty hunter. In space.
7. Cowboy Bebop. Spike Spiegel is a character in the best anime ever, and I will always, always love that anime more than you.
There is no way Hollywood won't frak up a live-action version of this show.
8. “Roslin and Adama.” Bear McCreary wrote one of the world’s most beautiful pieces of music for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, and I just can’t imagine that you could possibly make me feel the way it does.
Also, I was totally 'shipping them the whole series.
9. Bulkogi. Man, bulkogi is good. I wish we had a decent Korean joint around here.
I like my bulkogi with carrots and onions.
10. Japan. Japan is crazy and awesome. You, future boyfriend, might be crazy and awesome too, but are you the birthplace of the ninja? No. No, you are not.
I love you, Japan! Call me!
Gods, why didn’t I think of this before now? I mean, it’s so obvious! The Invisible Man. The Invisible Woman. It’s like it was looking me right in the face and I couldn’t even see it.
The Invisible Man in his dress suit. Also, I think he’s walking on water. Well, it’s more like he’s standing. Standing on water.
The Invisible Woman isn’t even invisible in this picture, which actually seems like it would be a great copout for artists, like the drawing of a polar bear in a blizzard.
Here’s some background: The Invisible Man is a novel by Ralph Ellison that I never read. Also, and more to the point of this blog, The Invisible Man is the titular character in an H.G. Wells science fiction novella. He’s also known as Griffin. Because when you’re invisible you don’t need more than one name, that’s why. The Invisible Woman is Sue Storm, and was created by Stan Lee, just like the universe was.
Now you know, and quoting G.I. Joe is half the battle.
The other half is this fictional character battle!
Physicality. Well, this is hard. They’re both invisible. I mean, Jesus, how am I supposed to judge their looks? Oooooh, I think you’re slightly more invisible? But seriously, folks, once the Invisible Man went invisible, he never went back. Sue Storm, on the other hand, can fade in and out of visibility all the time, and when she fades into it (is that like fading into you?), she’s a hot blonde, because she lives in a comic book, where boobs are eternally perky. Winner? The Invisible Woman.
Stupid gravity. I wish I was two-dimensional.
Better origin? Someday, I want my own origin story that’s much more interesting than “Mommy and Daddy got in the back seat of the car together and, after a few moments of magic, etc., etc.” Until then, please enjoy the origin of Sue Storm, which involves space travel and gamma rays or cosmic storms or something! That’s right, before she was a superhero, she was an astronaut, which is like being a superhero who has to wear diapers. The Invisible Man carries out some sort of scientic procedure to make himself invisible, which is definitely more awesome than anything I did today, but slightly less awesome than space travel and cosmic storms. Winner? The Invisible Woman.
Mom and Dad didn’t even bother to park near the local nuclear plant. Thanks a lot, jerks.
Smacked more bitches up? That is totally a thing I’m going to be saying constantly now. In any case, The Invisible Woman fights for truth, justice and the American way, or whatever the hell it is that superheroes do nowadays, I don’t know. I’m sure she’s smacked up all sorts of bitchy villains. The Invisible Man actually got smacked to death by a bunch of irate villagers he had been tormenting, so my secret plot to have him win a category has not come to fruition. Winner? The Invisible Woman.
Like any self-respecting angry mob, the good people of Springfield hate being tormented by invisible men.
Has some sociopathic tendencies? Now, I don’t know much about the Invisible Woman, other than that I just love what Warren Ellis did with her in Planetary, but if she’s on the side of the good guys, she’s probably not a sociopath. (Or if she is, she’s a remarkably patient one.) The Invisible Man is often described as having been driven mad by his invisibility, committing naked crimes willy-nilly (he had to be naked; he didn’t invisibilize his clothes. Yes, that’s a word I just made up. Welcome to the dictionary (eventually), invisibilize!). That theory falls apart when you realize he got the money for his invisibility experiment by stealing it from his father, which led the man to suicide, which means The Invisible Man was a bit of a dick from the get-go. Also a sociopath. Winner? The Invisible Man.
Was in an Alan Moore comic book? I don’t think Alan Moore ever wrote any issues of Fantastic Four, but I’m sure someone who is geekier than I will correct me if I’m wrong. At any rate, Griffin the Invisible Man wins just for being in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when he was never a comic book character to begin with. Winner? The Invisible Man.
I cried a little when you were raped and murdered by Mr. Hyde, Hawley Griffin, you magnificent bastard.
Has actual superpowers? The Invisible Man just runs about (nakedly) invisible all the day long. His feet hurt. He’s cold. He’s hungry. If he eats anything, people can totally see it being digested, which is an awesome visual, but not actually. The Invisible Woman can throw invisible force fields or something, I don’t know, but she’ll hurt you. She’ll hurt you good. Winner? The Invisible Woman.
Including the power to be a blonde Latina! Super!
Used to be known by a lamer moniker? I love the word moniker, much like mannikin for little person. Something about the Ms and the Ks, I guess. The Invisible Woman used to be known as The Invisible Girl, and that’s not when she was, like, 7, or something. That’s pretty lame. Winner? The Invisible Girl/Woman.
Wanted to become an invisible tyrant, ruling with an invisible, yet tyrannical, fist? The Invisible Man wanted to create something known as Reign of Terror (First Year of the Invisible Man). I don’t know what Sue Storm’s up to nowadays. Reign of terror? Perhaps. But probably not. Winner? The Invisible Man.
Overall winner? Despite my fondness for sociopaths, The Invisible Woman takes this one. That makes me sad.
I really thought the guy who wanted to start a reign of terror would win.
Today, I launch a new category on this site, wherein I propose to fictional characters. Yes, I know they’re just make-believe. I love them anyway. No, mom, it’s not my love of fictional characters that keeps me from meaningful relationships, it’s my crippling commitment issues.
Moving right along, let’s start off with a fictional character I’ve already proposed marriage to a couple of times on Hollywood Hates Me: Planetary’s Elijah Snow.
An image for reference, so you non-Planetary-reading jerks know who I'm talking about.
Dear Elijah Snow,
Let’s get married.
I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think I would be perfect for you. Sure, you’re a character in a comic book who is over 100 years old and has superpowers and I’m a real person who is not that old and my only superpower is being snarky, but just hear me out.
We would be perfect together.
Your power is to make things cold? I’m always cold!
You’re a two-dimensional figure? Coincidentally enough, I am also very two-dimensional! (It’s kind of a joke. Work with me here, Elijah Snow.)
You’re 110 years old, but you look quite a bit younger? I totally have a thing for older men! (I also have a thing for younger men, but that’s got naught to do with you, Elijah Snow!)
In addition, you’re fighting to save the world from evil and you also keep archives of your doings! Hey! I love to write. I could totally come along with you on your adventures and write things down. Please protect me from the crossfire, Elijah Snow. You wouldn’t want your lovely bride to die tragically. Or, ooooh! Maybe you do. Maybe I could die tragically as you hold me in your arms and cry, “NOOOOOOOOO!” Except I don’t think you would actually do that, unless Warren Ellis gives the rights to Planetary to a lesser writer.
Also, I think me and Jakita Wagner would get along like a house on fire. That’s a thing old people say, right? “Get along like a house on fire”? Should I stop emphasizing your age here? Is that kind of ruining my argument for our future bliss?
I mean, yeah, I might be a little intimidated by her awesome beauty and her superpower to kick everything's ass, up to and possibly including Batman's, but I think my admiration could outweigh all that.
Because I think we could be very happy together. Even if you’re one of the evil incarnations from an alternate universe where you’ve killed Superman. ‘Cause you know what, Elijah Snow? I’ve never really liked Superman. So it’s okay! Let’s get married!
I forgot to mention I enjoy baking. And since I would be married to one of the richest men in the world, I wouldn’t have to work (except for when I follow you on your adventures and write stuff down about it, stuff like, OMG, my sexy silver fox husband was soooo awesome when he saved the world today, and Jakita Wagner’s hair was totally cute!) and I would bake all the time.
I assume, since you’re a superhero and drawn on paper to boot, that dieting isn’t an issue.
Because if stuff like that WAS an issue, Elijah Snow, this cover would certainly have had more bleeding on it.
And we could have a white wedding! Your hair, my gown, snow! It would be perfect.
Please marry me, Elijah Snow. We would be perfect together.
Yes, Elijah Snow, for you, I would even honeymoon in Gotham City.