On horses and giants and fitting names

June 20, 2017 at 3:44 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , )

My daughter is obsessed with the new Legend of Zelda. And she loves going on side quests, like taming a giant horse. And then she gets to name the giant horse. AND THEN SHE DOESN’T NAME IT FEZZIK, which is what all giant things should be named all the time, forever.

“What’s wrong with Fezzik?”

“Neigh! I’m a giant horse and I should be named Fezzik. Neigh!”


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My brother and I don’t have much in common

September 26, 2016 at 9:48 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , )

So, while my brother and his wife are in town, my daughter thought it would be fun if we spent some time together, so we ended up watching one of the best movies ever, The Princess Bride. Which my brother had never heard of before, somehow.

When it was over, he suggested, since I like The Princess Bride so much, that I should read Nicholas Sparks‘ The Notebook.

"I ... can't believe you would say that to me."

“I … can’t believe you would say that to me.”

So here’s a list of ten things that make equally as much sense as that recommendation.

1. So, you like Filet Mignon, huh? You should try this hamburger I got at McDonald’s.

They're both made of cow parts, probably.

They’re both made of cow parts, probably.

2. Oh, you’re a fan of Rimsky-Korsakov’s Scherezade? Have you tried listening to Meghan Trainor?

"Ugh. Yes."

“Ugh. Yes.”

3. You enjoy Alan Moore’s Watchmen? You should check out Garfield, in the daily funnies.

4. Japan is your favorite place to visit? I’ll bet you’d love camping.

Large cities and the great outdoors have so much in common, after all!

Large cities and the great outdoors have so much in common, after all!

5. Michael Phelps is your favorite competitive swimmer? I think you should give Ryan Lochte a try.

"Buh?" ... is my go-to sound effect for all Ryan Lochte photos.

… is my go-to sound effect for all Ryan Lochte photos.

6. You liked Miyazaki’s Spirited Away? You should watch The Secret Life of Pets.

7. Oh, so you’re into Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum? You’d probably really like Batman V. Superman.

Ha! Just kidding. Nobody liked Batman V. Superman.

Ha! Just kidding. Nobody liked Batman V. Superman.

8. You’re a fan of Marilyn Monroe? Have you seen Lindsay Lohan’s later works?

... And also that time she posed like Marilyn Monroe?

… And also that time she posed like Marilyn Monroe?

9. Gustav Klimt is your favorite artist? Maybe you should hang up this page I ripped out of an adult coloring book.

10. You like well-written stories that aren’t sappy, but are filled with humor and action? No, really, did I already recommend Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook?

It's definitely a book for someone who appreciates really good writing.

It’s definitely a book for someone who appreciates really good writing.

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Why did I like Sherlock (so goddamned much)?

September 28, 2011 at 11:18 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

So, my friends who recommended the BBC series Sherlock will be happy to learn that I finally watched the first episode. And it was exactly as good as they said, if not better.

I never knew that London had a big ol' Ferris Wheel in the middle of it.

For those of you who didn’t recommend Sherlock, here’s the gist: Take Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, toss ’em in the 21st Century and call it a day.

And then they run through the sewers or something!

I know. Doesn’t sound like it should work, does it?

But it does. Oh, how it does.

For Sherlockians such as myself, there’s all sorts of fun little tidbits, like: “It’s a three-patch problem” and “I’m not his date.”

And most importantly, they got Holmes right. (I am glaring in your general direction, Guy Ritchie.)

If I could just master the look of death, he'd be a smoldering pile of ashes right now.

I mean, sure, I’m the first to complain when Sherlock Holmes is attractive, and Benedict Cumberbatch is awfully attractive. But he plays Holmes so ugly. It’s just brilliant.

I think I'm a little bit in love with Benedict Cumberbatch now.

When another character calls him a psychopath, he’s offended.

“I’m a highly functioning sociopath,” he sniffs.

Ladies love a highly functioning sociopath that dresses this nice.

God, that’s so right!

And then everyone thinks Watson and Holmes are a couple, because of course they do! There is such a chemistry and a bond between the characters that what else could you think? There’s even a fun little bit where Holmes thinks Watson is coming on to him and he turns him down politely, because he’s “not interested.” Nor is he interested in dating women, thankyouverymuch, show!!!

Holmes has ALWAYS loved Watson the most, and that's just how it is.

The mystery itself was interesting, with a string of suicides that are actually murders that are actually suicides, and the name Moriarty is dropped. Also, Watson shoots someone and is awesome.

I have to say that I enjoy a more proactive Watson.

Speaking of Moriarty, they totally tricked me with the whole Mycroft thing, because I was like, “Oh, well, that’s clearly Moriarty because Mycroft Holmes is fat,” and then later, Holmes is like, “Have you gained weight?” and I was like “You fooled me!”

So, anyway, yeah, I loved it, but I did have a few complaints:

1. Holmes and Watson kept calling each other “Sherlock” and “John,” because I guess we go by first names in the future, but it just seemed unnatural to me. I’ll have to suck it up and get used to it.

2. The music was a little too “creepy carnival in town” for me, but we can’t all be Bear McCreary, I suppose.

3. I figured out who was behind the murders before Holmes did. And it was something so obvious that I just wanted to slap him when he gave up the lead so quickly because he had made a wrong assumption. I’m not smarter than Holmes. I don’t want to be smarter than Holmes. I’m only letting this slide because (I’m hoping) Holmes’ giant ego had such a hard time accepting he was wrong that when the solution was right in front of his face, he was flummoxed.

4. At the climax, when Holmes sits down with the murderer, who offers him the choice of two pills, Holmes just assumes one is poison and one isn’t. I kept thinking: “Haven’t you ever seen the Princess Bride, Sherlock? For goodness sake.” But maybe the killer hadn’t either, I don’t know.

Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

So those were my main issues with the show, but everything else was just so perfect and right that I can let them slide and eagerly wait for evening, when I can watch the second episode.

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A love letter to Inigo Montoya

November 12, 2010 at 6:24 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , )

Dear Inigo Montoya,

Westley, Buttercup’s true love, is cute and all, don’t get me wrong, but he’s also that thing I said right after his name: Buttercup’s true love. Also, lately he’s been in a couple of the Saw movies, and that makes me sad.

I could never come between them.

But you, Inigo Montoya, you (as far as I know) have never been in any of the Saw movies, even though you are (were?) on some TV show I never watch (watched?).

Your hair is much better like this, but what the hell was that show?

That’s OK, though, Inigo Montoya, because you are a hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting type, and if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I love hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting types.

I think it's because of the way they have swords and all.

(Also pretty-boy Asian types, but that’s got naught to do with you, Inigo Montoya!)

Pictured here: Takeshi Kaneshiro, the most enduring example of "my type." Look at that! He even sews! Or crochets! Or possibly knits!

Let me list the reasons I love you:

1. My name is Inigo Montoya.

2. You killed my father.

3. Prepare to die.

I am so ready to be wooed right now, Inigo Montoya, you don't even know.

That is so hot, Inigo Montoya. I love a man whose filial devotion leads him to the pursuit of sword-fightery (whoo! I’m like the Shakespeare of the new millenium, all those words I make up!) and the unrelenting pursuit of revenge. I’m all for revenge, Inigo Montoya, and I even have a list of those who have wronged me from grade school on up, if you find yourself bored with the (movie!) pirate life.

Movie pirates are prettier than real pirates, but not prettier than Orlando Bloom.

(Seriously, it’s a long list.)

(I never forget a slight, people!)

Anyway, Inigo Montoya, if you’re looking for a vengeance-filled relationship, I am your gal. Also, if you’re not looking for that, and you just want to show off your fencing skills, I, too, am that gal. If you want a gal who still uses the word gal — that’s right, bub: I’m your gal.

We could be so revengeful together.

It would be beautiful.

Yeah, like holy light beaming down on you while you're guided by your father's sword beautiful. Just like that.

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Westley vs. Romeo

November 2, 2010 at 6:07 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, )

Both of these guys died for love. But only one came back.

It was this one.

Westley is also known as The Dread Pirate Roberts from The Princess Bride, which I had to rewatch recently to get the bad taste of Cary Elwes being in the Saw movies out of my mouth. Romeo Montague fell into a star-crossed love with the beauteous Juliet Capulet in Romeo and Juliet, because Shakespeare wasn’t big on clever titles.

But, like all of us, the great bard had a fondness for pretty boys.

Which of these guys is better than the other?

And did anyone in The Princess Bride pronounce the “T” in Westley?

On to the battle!

Physicality. For our battle in looks today, we’re facing young Cary Elwes off against young Leonardo DiCaprio. Both have gotten puffy as they’ve aged, which seems to be a thing that happens to blonde actors (see also: Spader, James). But in their pre-puffy days, well …. (I couldn’t think of a good way to end that sentence. Thank heavens for the ellipsis!) Anyway, Westley is played by young Cary Elwes, whose good looks evoke all sorts of swashbuckling stars of the ’30s and ’40s, which is a bonus in my book. Young Leonardo DiCaprio played Romeo in that Romeo+Juliet movie, and, yeah, he was cute and all. But he’s no Cary Elwes. Winner? Westley.

It probably would've been a tougher battle against this Romeo. Damn.

Better catchphrase? When Westley returns to Buttercup as the Dread Pirate Roberts, she doesn’t recognize his masked self until he says, “As you wish.” It’s what he always said to her when they were a-courtin’. *sighhhhhhh* How romantic. I don’t think Romeo has a catchphrase, but he does speak in iambic pentameter, which has got to be hard. Winner? Westley.

Became a pirate? Westley was nearly killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts, but convinced the pirate to spare him for love. That’s so sweet and unlikely! The Dread Pirate Roberts took Westley under his wing and, eventually, turned the reins of the whole pirating operation over to him. Thus, Westley became the Dread Pirate Roberts, who, as the name implies, is a pirate. Romeo never became a pirate. Romeo just died. Winner? Westley.

Movie pirate!

Stayed true to his one and only love? From the beginning of The Princess Bride to the end of The Princess Bride, the only woman Westley has eyes for is Buttercup. That’s trueness, right there. Upon first seeing Juliet, Romeo can think of none other and eventually commits suicide rather than live without her. Which seems like a big fat example of overwhelming faithfulness, until you remember that Romeo had a thing for Rosaline up until the very second he saw Juliet. Pff. Teenagers. Winner? Westley.

Died a tragic death? As far as I know, Westley and Buttercup lived happily ever after, because no one has made a sequel and they had better not ever do it, nosiree. Romeo, on the other hand, committed suicide when he thought Juliet was dead, and then it turned out she wasn’t really dead, but he was, so she committed suicide too. Whether that’s tragic or not depends on how you feel about lovestruck teens, I guess. But we can all agree that Romeo is absolutely and utterly dead. Winner? Romeo.

Hangs with a cooler crew? Westley is a pirate and thus hangs out with pirates. Since they’re movie pirates and not the torture-you-to-death-in-front-of-your-wife kind, that’s cool. Also, he later hangs out with Andre the Giant and Inigo Montoya, who is so cool he doesn’t even mind that nobody in the whole film pronounces his name right. Romeo’s bestest buddy is Mercutio, who is played by the uber-cool Harold Perrineau. Which is cool. Unfortunately, Mercutio dies a sudden and tragic death, and curses the houses of both the Montagues and Capulets, which is less cool. So I guess Westley wins. As well he should.

Inigo Montoya is so cool, it doesn't even matter that his hair looks like that.

Mercutio, on the other hand, has very cool hair.

Shares a more romantic moment with his lady love? Who can hear the names Romeo and Juliet without thinking of the balcony scene, and “Wherefore art thou, Romeo?” That’s so romantic, squee! But lest we get caught up in the romance of a night-time rendezvous, let us remember that “Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end.” Winner? Westley.

This scene was pretty romantic, though.

But Buttercup and Westley for the win.

Overall winner? In a sound trouncing, Westley takes this one. Sorry, Romeo.

It's because I'm biased.

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Huzzah! Saw’s in 3D now!

October 27, 2010 at 11:10 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I wish there was a font for sarcasm.

So, Saw 7 is in 3D, which actually makes me care about it even less than the first six, which I also didn’t see.

Here's a picture of a hacksaw, 'cause that creepy puppet thing from the movie haunts my nightmares now.

I guess the good news is that Cary Elwes is in it, but that isn’t actually good news because I think Mr. Elwes could do so much better, but we all need to eat, I guess.

(I think that was the wishy-washiest sentence I’ve ever written.)

Let's all try to remember the good times instead, eh?

Anyway, after viewing the trailer, I assume the plot is the same as the rest of the Saw movies, which have something to do with some guy forcing people to kill each other or whatever, and also IT’S IN 3D THIS TIME ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION 3D WHOOOOOOO!!

That is all.

Except for this.

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