Han and Leia sitting in a tree

November 17, 2016 at 2:12 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , )

Yeah, so, apparently Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher had a torrid affair during the filming of Star Wars, which would be cool, because, like, wow! Han and Leia were really in love, that’s great, but it’s not cool because Harrison Ford was totally married and Carrie Fisher was totally only 19, and now one of my favorite movie romances is ruined!

I usually go *sighhhhh* over this image, but now I kind of go *ewwwww*.

I usually go *sighhhhh* over this image, but now I kind of go *ewwwww*.

Thank God I have my other favorite movie romance to fall back on.

Please don't ruin this for me, guys.

Please don’t ruin this for me, guys.

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So you think you’re dating a princess: A modern teen’s guide

March 23, 2016 at 10:56 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Real princesses are boring, unless you’re into the monarchy, I guess. But fictional princesses are awesome! Especially Adventure Time princesses, because they have princesses for everything! Anyway, you might be dating a fictional princess! Let’s find out, shall we?

Here’s a list of princesses you could possibly be dating:

1. Princess Leia. Princess Leia is the best princess of all, because she is an outer space princess. Unfortunately for you, unless you’re Han Solo, you’re not dating her.

*Sighhhhhhhh*

*Sighhhhhhhh*

2. Princess Bubblegum. Princess Bubblegum is pretty cool, if you’re into despots and whatever. Also 1000-year-old ladies.

"You only WISH you'll look this good when YOU'RE 1000 years old."

“You only WISH you’ll look this good when YOU’RE 1000 years old.”

3. Lumpy Space Princess. The best thing about Lumpy Space Princess is that she floats, and is purple. The worst thing about Lumpy Space Princess is everything else, but especially her terrible, terrible personality.

She's like everything you hate about teenagers, with floating and purpleness.

She’s like everything you hate about teenagers, with floating and purpleness.

4. Snow White. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a glass coffin, Snow White’s your girl.

"My interests are cleaning, singing about true love, being cheerful in the face of adversity and being as two-dimensional as possible."

“My interests are cleaning, singing about true love, being cheerful in the face of adversity and being as two-dimensional as possible.”

5. Sleeping Beauty. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a castle surrounded by thorns (which I’m not quite sure how you managed to do), then you’re dating Sleeping Beauty.

Also, stop kissing unconscious women, you creep.

Also, stop kissing unconscious women, you creep.

6. Muscle Princess. Muscle Princess is very muscular. That’s cool.

And check out those guns!

And check out those guns!

7. Cinderella. Cinderella seems like a nice girl. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.

... although I'm not sure what you'd do for fun or anything.

… although I’m not sure what you’d do for fun or anything.

8. Breakfast Princess. Breakfast Princess (I assume) lives in the Breakfast Kingdom, where you shall never have to eat another bowl of cold, soggy cereal again. As God is my witness!

I'll bet she smells like bacon and French toast, and I wonder if she's seeing anyone....

I’ll bet she smells like bacon and French toast, and I wonder if she’s seeing anyone….

9. Slime Princess. Slime Princess is a princess of slime. There’s really not much else to say about her.

OK, fine, and she is superfreakingadorablesocute, awwww.

OK, fine, and she is superfreakingadorablesocute, awwww.

10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman is an Amazon Princess! She might actually be cooler than Princess Leia, except she doesn’t have a laser gun. But she doesn’t need a laser gun, because she has super powers! But laser guns are really cool.

Ooh, but swords are cool too. Wonder Woman is so cool.

Ooh, but swords are cool too. Wonder Woman is so cool.

Anyway, there you have it! A list of fictional princesses you could be dating, maybe! I hope you crazy kids work it out.

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Sherlock Holmes vs. Han Solo

January 27, 2016 at 10:54 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , , , )

In this corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.

In the other corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.

OH GOD WHO WILL WIN????

Onward to the battle!

Physicality. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be handsome, but lately he’s been played by these attractive actors, like Basil Rathbone (lately?) and Benedict Cumberbatch. Han Solo, on the other hand, looks like Harrison Ford. Winner? Han Solo. Because he looks like Harrison Ford.

When I say "I love you" to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: "I know."

When I say “I love you” to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: “I know.”

Better sidekick? Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick is the ever-faithful, ever-ignoring-his-clients Dr. John Watson. Han Solo’s sidekick is Chewbacca the Wookiee, whom Spellchecker hates. Chewie is an 8-foot-tall hair monster who rips off people’s arms when he loses at space chess. He says “Ahrrr” a lot. Winner? Han Solo, because Chewbacca is awesome.

Eh, maybe he's only a 7'6" hair monster.

Eh, maybe he’s only a 7’6″ hair monster.

Is an interstellar space pilot? Sherlock Holmes lives in the 19th and early 20th century, where space travel was nothing more than a mad pipe dream. Also, he didn’t even know the earth was round, so he’d probably be just terrible at space piloting anyway. Han Solo, however, is an interstellar space pilot. Winner? Han Solo.

I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.

I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.

Comes back from certain death? Sherlock Holmes was dead for 10 years after being tossed over the edge of the Reichenbach Falls (spoiler alert: he never fell). He came back. Han Solo? … Not so much. Winner? Sherlock Holmes, because suck it, death.

"Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me."

“Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me.”

Doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? You know who has a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, that’s who. Also, her baby daddy, Han Solo. You know who doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Sherlock Holmes. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.

Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.

Solves more crimes? Han Solo is a smuggler. A smuggler in space! He is definitely not solving any crimes. Committing them, sure. Solving them, not so much. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective, the likes of which the world has never seen. He solves crimes like *insert cliche here*. He is a crime-solving machine. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

"I certainly do enjoy solving crimes."

“I certainly do enjoy solving crimes.”

Has a cooler love interest? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t like ladies, or love, or anything except John Watson and cocaine and solving crimes. Han Solo fell for the ultra-badass Princess Leia, who is now a badass general. She is the coolest. Winner? Han Solo.

*Sighhhhhhh*

*Sighhhhhhh*

Has a light saber? Haaah, this is a trick question. Luke Skywalker has a light saber. Han Solo just has a laser gun. Winner? Nobody.

"'Just' a laser gun? Really?"

“‘Just’ a laser gun? Really?”

Wears a more iconic costume? True story: When I was in college, I dated a guy who idolized Han Solo , and wore cowboy boots and vests for years of his childhood in an effort to match his hero’s unique style of dress. That’s pretty iconic! Also, a really lame anecdote. But Sherlock Holmes has the deerstalker cap and cape! Winner? It’s a tie.

An iconic tie.

An iconic tie.

Is winning this fictional character battle? Han Solo, barely.

"Barely's still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely's still winning."

“Barely’s still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely’s still winning.”

Is that a surprise? Well, Sherlock Holmes always wins these things. But Han Solo is Han Solo, you know?

So he’s going to come out ahead? … Maybe?

Overall winner? I know this is going to be hard to believe, fellow Holmesians, but … Han Solo. Han Solo is the overall winner. I … think I might cry.

I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now. Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!

I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now.
Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!

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Poe Dameron = Princess Leia

January 6, 2016 at 10:19 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

This weekend, I was discussing the new Star Wars film with one of my IRL friends (hi, Jamin!) and I neglected to mention my belief that Poe Dameron is Princess Leia.

"But Princess Leia doesn't pilot a ship! She's a GENERAL!"

“But Princess Leia doesn’t pilot a ship! She’s a GENERAL!”

I know, I know — he’s a spaceship pilot and a rogue, so you’d think he’s Han Solo, right? But hear me out!

1) He sends a droid on a mission to save the galaxy

"I'd do anything you say, Poe Dameron. Anything."

“I’d do anything you say, Poe Dameron. Anything.”

2) He gets captured by the enemy

3) He gets tortured by Darth Vader Lite (TM)

"Please stop calling me that. Just 'cause I never Force-choke anyone."

“Please stop calling me that. Just ’cause I never Force-choke anyone, jeez.”

4) He escapes with the help of someone dressed as a stormtrooper

"Aren't you a little short to be a --" "I am as God made me."

“Aren’t you a little short to be a –“
“I am as God made me.”

5) He is the prettiest one

Soooooo pretty.

Soooooo pretty.

So you see? Poe Dameron is Princess Leia.

And Princess Leia is a badass.

And Princess Leia is a badass.

 

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A Star Wars review for realsies this time

January 3, 2016 at 1:20 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

As you’re aware, I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens this weekend. Here are my thoughts, other than “It sucks that Wedge, my second-favorite character, wasn’t in it.”

First off, did you see the new hotshot pilot Poe Dameron? And also the evil General Hux? They were, like, soooo handsome, and I didn’t even realize they were both in Ex Machina, which I also saw and didn’t think either of them were all that good-looking in it, so some kudos are deserved either by the makeup artists of Star Wars (for making them so pretty) or the makeup artists of Ex Machina (for making them so not).

He's no Wedge, but I guess he'll do. Also: *dreamy sighhhhhh*

He’s no Wedge, but I guess he’ll do.
Also: *dreamy sighhhhhh*

Secondly, and horrifyingly, did you notice that the two main characters WERE BOTH BORN IN 1992?! Are they even old enough to drive, let alone fly interstellar spaceships? Also, how freaking old am I?

Get off my lawn, you young Jedi Knights!

Get off my lawn, you young Jedi Knights!

Thirdly, did anyone else SQUEEEEE when the Millennium Falcon showed up? And then again when Han and Chewie showed up? And then a third time when Princess/General Leia appeared on the screen? And then you didn’t get to squee because Wedge Antilles never showed up, and I think the movie could only have been improved if all the characters went around saying “Where is Wedge?” whenever he wasn’t on screen.

I missed you guys SO MUCH while you were gone!

I missed you guys SO MUCH while you were gone!

And what was up with cut-rate Darth Vader taking off his mask and showing off his ugly mug all the time? Doesn’t he realize he’s SO MUCH MORE INTIMIDATING with his mask on?

I mean, not THAT intimidating, but more intimidating than his damn face.

I mean, not THAT intimidating, but more intimidating than his damn face.

Plus, was anyone else disappointed that they went to the trouble of casting the beautiful Lupita Nyong’o and then had her play a Yoda-esque goggle monster?

GAHHHHHHHHHH.

GAHHHHHHHHHH.

Anyway, the action sequences were great, the special effects were good, and there were some funny bits, and then something so damned tragic happened, and I’d say I cried like a little girl, but I brought my daughter to the movie with me and she didn’t cry at all.

And then I cried some more, because I've raised The Bad Seed.

And then I cried some more, because I’ve raised The Bad Seed.

So, yes, the new Star Wars was a good movie and I liked it, except for that one part, and I never want to see it again.

Damn you for making me cry like that, J.J. Abrams.

Damn you for making me cry like that, J.J. Abrams.

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Princess Leia vs. Turanga Leela

February 7, 2013 at 11:52 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , )

Here’s a battle between two lovely ladies for your reading pleasure. What do Leia Organa and Turanga Leela have in common, you ask?

Leela and Leia kind of sound alike, that’s what.

On to the battle!

Physicality. One is a young Carrie Fisher with either really long hair or a late 20th-century weave. The other is a Cyclops that is also a cartoon. Winner? Hey, who doesn’t find cartoons attractive? … Seriously, though, it’s a tie.

There is literally nothing wrong with having a crush on a cartoon character when he's this awesome.

There is literally nothing wrong with having a crush on a cartoon character when he’s this awesome.

Is an interstellar space princess? Again with the redundancy, but I really enjoy saying “interstellar space.” Anywho, you know who’s an interstellar space princess? Princess Leia! Princess Leia is an interstellar space princess. Winner? Princess Leia!

They don't get more interstellar space princess-y than that!

They don’t get more interstellar space princess-y than that!

Is a sewer-dwelling mutant? Hey, Leela doesn’t live in the sewers! But her parents do, and sometimes she visits, so we’ll call it “close enough.” Winner? Turanga Leela!

Plus, in a fight, she tends to side with the sewer-dwelling mutants.

Plus, in a fight, she tends to side with the sewer-dwelling mutants.

Has a ray gun? Everybody in the future has ray guns! Also, people living long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. They also have ray guns. Winner? Everybody wins when they’ve got ray guns!

Ray gun!

Ray gun!

Ray gun! (Again.)

Ray gun! (Again.)

Has a better romantic interest? Princess Leia’s romantic interest is Han Solo. They’ve got a will-they-or-won’t-they thing going on, and it turns out they totally will, and everybody went squeeeeee! Han Solo is an interstellar space pirate who looks like a young Harrison Ford. Turanga Leela’s romantic is Philip J. Fry, a sweet-natured, slightly dim 20th century boy who ended up in the future through a wacky series of misadventures. Well, okay, just the one misadventure, really. Winner? As with Kara Thrace before him, anybody who goes up against a young Harrison Ford is going to come up just a wee bit short. Princess Leia.

Although, let it never be said that I wasn't rooting for this to happen pretty much all along.

Although, let it never be said that I wasn’t rooting for this to happen pretty much all along.

Travels through space? In the future and also, apparently, in the past, everybody travels through space.

Winner? It’s a tie.

Looks good in a Slave Leia costume? If you’d think the winner would be obvious, then you haven’t see this image before:

Mrow!

Mrow!

Winner? Another tie!

Oh, of course we weren't getting out of here without an actual Slave Leia picture, never fear.

Oh, of course we weren’t getting out of here without an actual Slave Leia picture, never fear.

Fights an epic evil? If by “fights an epic evil,” you mean “delivers packages to other planets,” then, yes, Turanga Leela fights an epic evil. But you don’t mean that, so: Winner? Princess Leia.

Pilots an interstellar delivery ship? Man, if there’s one thing Star Wars fans would love to see, it would be Princess Leia piloting an interstellar delivery ship. Unfortunately, she doesn’t, so they can’t. Winner? Turanga Leela.

Oh, man, I totally forgot about the time she fought Captain Kirk.

Oh, man, I totally forgot about the time she fought Captain Kirk.

Overall winner? Princess Leia coasts in to the finish line with a slight lead by having the good fortune to fall in love with Han Solo. (I’m not sure why I went with the finish line metaphor, because then these would be fictional character races, not fictional character battles, but we’ll just chalk that one up to creative license, eh?)

Squeeee! Quoth everyone.

Squeeee! Quoth everyone.

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