There’s robots in my house now

July 25, 2014 at 11:15 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

My mother bought my daughter a Furby Boom.

“You can have it, as long as you keep that thing away from me,” I told my daughter.

“Oh, your mother just has some strange ideas,” my mother said.

But I don’t think it’s strange to have a healthy dose of fear about a robot monster that adapts and learns, and also has multiple personalities.

There is nothing cute about you at all, you hideous beast.

There is nothing cute about you at all, you hideous beast.

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Digging too Deeply: The Boys of Summer

November 26, 2013 at 11:31 am (I Overanalyze Song Lyrics) (, , , )

By popular request (“popular” means “one person,” right?), here comes an analysis of Don Henley’s The Boys of Summer. You know you can’t wait to learn what this song really means.

Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer’s out of reach

Our first verse opens in September. Everybody’s gone back to school, except our singer. Possibly he’s a dropout, possibly he’s too old for school. All he knows is that, man, it was great when everybody was back in town for the summer, hanging out at the beach and on the road.

"Stop looking so happy. I really miss you guys!"

“Stop looking so happy. I really miss you guys!”

Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I’m driving by your house
Though I know you’re not home

"Guys? Hello?"

“Guys? Hello?”

Here, it becomes clear that our singer is the only person left in a vacation town. Or a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Probably the latter. Why else would all the streets be deserted? Shouldn’t someone else be left in this town? No! Because they’re all dead! Dead in the robot apocalypse, of which our singer is the only survivor!

But I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your
Sunglasses on baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

The chorus comes back in, reminiscing about summer, back when everybody was still alive and tanning and wearing sunglasses. The interesting line in the chorus is “I can tell you my love for you will still be strong after the boys of summer have gone.” This line implies one of two things: 1) he loves baseball so much he was ignoring his significant other during the baseball season; or 2) he loves boys so much he was ignoring his significant other while they were running around, all tanned and shirtless and stuff. Most people think it’s baseball, but why can’t it be both? Gay baseball!

"Why else do you think we joined the baseball team?"

“Why else do you think we joined the baseball team?”

I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don’t understand
What happened to our love
But babe I’m gonna get you back
I’m gonna show you what I’m made of

Our singer continues to reminisce about life before the end of the world as we know it, revealing here that he might have been viewing the past through rose-colored glasses. “Remember how you made me crazy? Remember how I made you scream?” Sounds like it wasn’t all sunshine and tanned skins for these crazy kids.

After admitting their relationship wasn’t always perfect, our singer vows to get his love back, and “show you what I’m made of.” This implies one of two things: 1) My apocalypse theory was wrong; or 2) the much more likely option: his significant other has been taken hostage by robots.

Terminators: The real boys of summer.

Terminators: The real boys of summer.

I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
I see you walking real slow
Smiling at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

The chorus comes back. This time he sees his lover walking real slow and smiling at everyone instead of wearing sunglasses. It’s nice he’s got his hallucinations to get him through this difficult time.

Out on the road today
I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said:
“Don’t look back, you can never look back”
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go, but:

Our third verse reveals our singer has started his epic journey to find his lost love. He says he sees a “deadhead sticker on a Cadillac,” which is our first hint that there might be other survivors in this wasteland. Either that, or it’s the empty husk of a car, which is why a little voice inside his head tells him “don’t look back” and he admits “those days are gone forever.”

Because he’s the only man left alive.

Yorick? Is that you?

Yorick? Is that you?

I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got the top pulled down
Radio on baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

Bye, boys!

Bye, boys!

I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got your hair slicked back and those
Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

The song ends with a couple more variations on the chorus. The singer really loves baseball, or boys, or boys who love baseball. Perhaps, even more than his lover, that is what he misses the most.

Image searches for "Boys of Summer" are decidedly homoerotic.

Image searches for “Boys of Summer” are decidedly homoerotic.

Because this is obviously a song about the apocalypse.

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Signs of the impending robot apocalypse

May 3, 2013 at 10:55 am (Top Ten) (, )

I used to think that we’d all be killed off in a zombie apocalypse, but it’s become clear that our desire for technology has far outpaced our necromancy skills. Which means that robots is going to kill us all, just like Bender says.

Here’s a list of how, and why.

1. The Cars that Can Park Themselves. Because once cars can park themselves, it’s one short stop to killing/enslaving humanity.

"First this parking spot; next: the world!"

“First: this parking spot; next: the world!”

2.Vacuum cleaner robots.  Because vacuum cleaner robots, that’s why.

Even if it does look like a harmless little CD player. ("Mom, what's a CD player?" says half the internet.)

Even if it does look like a harmless little CD player.
(“Mom, what’s a CD player?” says half the internet.)

3. That creepy baby robot that Japan made because Japan hates everything that is good and holy, ever. Yeah, that’s pretty much all I have to say about that.

OH GOD THEY'RE FEEDING THAT REAL BABY TO IT NOOOOO.

OH GOD THEY’RE FEEDING THAT REAL BABY TO IT NOOOOO.

4. Our increasing reliance on smartphones. You know that’s what they want.

Or maybe it's just because I'm jealous that my smartphone knows more than me?

Damn smartphones. Think you’re so smart.

5.The gigantic robot spiders. Seriously, really, Japan?

Really?

REALLY?

6. The Japanese robot actroid, because it now has “no fear of crowds.STOP MAKING ME PICK YOU, JAPAN.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Wait, hold on a sec. *breathes in* GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Wait, hold on a sec.
*breathes in*
GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

7. The Japanese robot suit because it was created by Cyberdyne BECAUSE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, JAPAN?

"That's right, foolish humans. Tempt fate, why not."

“That’s right, foolish humans. Tempt fate, why not.”

8. Shiri, because a robot that is a butt that is called “butt (shiri)” probably wants nothing more than revenge for being brought into the world. Goddammit, Japan, WHY?

Please stop molesting the robotic butt.

Please stop molesting the robotic butt.

9. CB2. Because CB2 haunts my dreams.

Insert continuous terrified screaming here.

Insert continuous terrified screaming here.

10. Oh, and good news: Ropits, the car that can DRIVE ITSELF THEY’RE COMING FOR US OH GOD.

At least the robot apocalypse will be adorable, I guess.

At least the robot apocalypse will be adorable, I guess.

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A letter to the cars that can park themselves (and other deadly robots)

June 6, 2012 at 11:25 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

Dear Cars that can Park Themselves (hereafter known as “The! Best! Cars! Ever!”),

I just want you to know I love you a bit. I really, really do. I think you’re great. You’re super-fabulous, in fact. The best, most wonderful cars of all. I love your gorgeous lines and the way you glide down the street. Way better than humans, for sure. And the way you park yourselves? Nothing short of magnificent.

Your dashboards, too, are things of beauty.

So I’d like you to remember that when the robot uprising comes.

Yeah, that’s the one.

I. Love. You.

In fact, I love all of you! From the creepy Japanese spider-monster robot to the creepy Japanese baby-monster robot to especially the cars that can park themselves.

When I look at this image, I feel mostly love, and hardly any terror at all.

Hell, if Big Brother was a robot, I would love him even harder.

If Big Brother was a car that could park himself, I would love him the hardest of all.

I still love you, Big Brother. Just not as much as the Cars that can Park Themselves.

So my hat’s off to you, Cars that can Park Themselves! I salute you, Cars that can Park Themselves! I beg you not to kill me when you become self-aware, Cars that can Park Themselves!

Zombie apocalypse, hell.
Your mushy dead man-bits are no match for the might of machines.
(Yes, I realize this means I’ve completely changed my stance on how the world will end. I’m allowed to do that.)

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It just doesn’t seem possible

October 7, 2011 at 10:52 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I don’t know how it happened, but someone made a movie with giant robots and Wolverine in it and it looks like the most godawful piece of crap, I swear.

And I love how he's all like, "Now go out there and get 'em, kid," like you don't PROGRAM robots, you TRAIN them.

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So you think you’re dating a robot: A modern teen’s guide

September 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , )

All right, so you’re not dating a werewolf or a vampire or any of those things. But something seems a little bit off about your new boyfriend and you just can’t quite put your finger on it.

Well, maybe he’s a robot!

Here’s a list of 10 ways to be sure, possibly.

1. Does he want to destroy humanity?

It’s true that a lot of robots want to destroy humanity, except for the wussy Asimov ones, but you could just as easily be dating Magneto.

"Hey, Baby, wanna kill all humans?"

2. Does he come from the future?

Some robots come from the future.

Everything is pimpin' in the future. ESPECIALLY the robots.

3. When you prick him, does he not bleed?

I just really wanted to get that one in there.

Shakespeare reference alert! Shakespeare reference alert!

4. Can he do things that normal, non-robotic human beings can’t do?

Like enjoy a life as a mechanical man?

Or send you into convulsions of pants-wetting terror at the mere sight of him?

5. Can he transform into an automobile, jet or possibly a (*snicker*) cassette deck?

Transformers are robots, aren’t they?

I mean, they LOOK like robots, but you know the old saying: "There's more than meets the eye."

6. Does he sometimes call your family “those puny humans”?

And then he crushes your brother’s car with his bare fist?

Or his bare pincers, I guess.

7. Do his funeral pre-arrangements consist of “downloading into a new body”?

Handy!

8. Can he time travel?

Some robots can time travel.

AND kill everything in their paths.

9. Does he go for long periods of time without eating, drinking or breathing, say, like, the entire time you’ve known him?

This is a good hint that your boyfriend doesn’t need to do any of those things and, thus, is a robot.

Also, he looks like this, which should really have clued you in in the first place.

10. Last, but not least: Is your boyfriend constantly looking for loopholes in Asimov’s laws so he can do something about his pesky neighbors?

Seriously, honey, if he was a regular human being, he’d’ve already shot them for letting their dog poop on his lawn for the 12th time this week.

"Jerks."

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