Hey, look, it’s a new post!

June 6, 2017 at 10:53 am (Randomosity) (, , )

Hey, blog, hey!

Hey, Girl!

So you probably thought I’d given up on you, but I haven’t! I mean, I didn’t on purpose or anything. It’s just … the world’s been kind of shit lately, and I haven’t been able to be funny at all.

But last night that all changed.

Because I found my BEST SHOW EVER.

It is called Still Star-Crossed (Still Star-Crossed!!! What a name! I love you so much, show!), and it is about Romeo and Juliet, except after Romeo and Juliet are already dead, so I guess I could’ve just said “It’s about the Capulets and the Montagues,” but … Eh.

It’s my first Shondaland show! (That I liked.)

I missed the first episode apparently, which makes me sad, because I’m sure it was awesome, but the second episode was SO GOOD. There’s a prince who’s having an affair with Rosalind (Capulet, apparently, in this version), except Rosalind has to get married to pouty-face Benvolio (Montague, Romeo’s cousin), BY THE ORDER OF THE PRINCE. You guys, the drama! The absolute drama.

And you know they’re going to BOTH fall for her and it will be AMAZING.

Then the prince’s sister has to go around stuffed into these godawful dresses, and I don’t think she even breathed once because no one’s waist is that tiny, and Rosalind keeps hanging around her being all, Thank God my costumes FIT, you know? (And all the dudes are in leather pants and they keep walking around bowlegged because leather pants are SO sweaty, amiright??)

OK, this image cuts off a little early, but imagine her waist is about as big around as her neck and you get the idea.

In the meantime, Juliet’s mother is freaking out that someone talked her into suicide, which — wow, Juliet’s mom must’ve read her some Shakespeare back in the day, and Juliet’s father is freaking out because he’s out of money, BUT NO ONE CAN KNOW. So he totally meets with this architect who’s supposed to build the chapel for Rosalind and Benvolio’s wedding, and he’s all, I’m gonna blame you if it doesn’t get built, and the architect is like, I’m not gonna take the fall, and the whole time they’re high up on this scaffolding, and so I say to my daughter: “Now he’s going to push that guy to his death and say: ‘You will take the fall,'” and then he did, and my daughter would’ve been impressed, but she was like, “Meh, I saw it coming too.”

Pictured here: Rosalind Capulet, relieved that she’s not standing on a precarious scaffolding with her eeeeeeevil uncle.

Anyway, the dialogue is SUPER ridiculous, like sometimes they’re trying to sound like Shakespearean, and other times they’re talking about screwing prostitutes, literally using the word “screw,” and everybody keeps gazing directly into the camera, and everybody looks like they just stepped off the set of a CW show and accidentally wandered over to ABC, and it is just glorious.

P.S. Thank you, costume designer, for making everybody look as miserable as possible. It is so great!

So I can’t wait to watch it again next week!


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Westley vs. Romeo

November 2, 2010 at 6:07 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, )

Both of these guys died for love. But only one came back.

It was this one.

Westley is also known as The Dread Pirate Roberts from The Princess Bride, which I had to rewatch recently to get the bad taste of Cary Elwes being in the Saw movies out of my mouth. Romeo Montague fell into a star-crossed love with the beauteous Juliet Capulet in Romeo and Juliet, because Shakespeare wasn’t big on clever titles.

But, like all of us, the great bard had a fondness for pretty boys.

Which of these guys is better than the other?

And did anyone in The Princess Bride pronounce the “T” in Westley?

On to the battle!

Physicality. For our battle in looks today, we’re facing young Cary Elwes off against young Leonardo DiCaprio. Both have gotten puffy as they’ve aged, which seems to be a thing that happens to blonde actors (see also: Spader, James). But in their pre-puffy days, well …. (I couldn’t think of a good way to end that sentence. Thank heavens for the ellipsis!) Anyway, Westley is played by young Cary Elwes, whose good looks evoke all sorts of swashbuckling stars of the ’30s and ’40s, which is a bonus in my book. Young Leonardo DiCaprio played Romeo in that Romeo+Juliet movie, and, yeah, he was cute and all. But he’s no Cary Elwes. Winner? Westley.

It probably would've been a tougher battle against this Romeo. Damn.

Better catchphrase? When Westley returns to Buttercup as the Dread Pirate Roberts, she doesn’t recognize his masked self until he says, “As you wish.” It’s what he always said to her when they were a-courtin’. *sighhhhhhh* How romantic. I don’t think Romeo has a catchphrase, but he does speak in iambic pentameter, which has got to be hard. Winner? Westley.

Became a pirate? Westley was nearly killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts, but convinced the pirate to spare him for love. That’s so sweet and unlikely! The Dread Pirate Roberts took Westley under his wing and, eventually, turned the reins of the whole pirating operation over to him. Thus, Westley became the Dread Pirate Roberts, who, as the name implies, is a pirate. Romeo never became a pirate. Romeo just died. Winner? Westley.

Movie pirate!

Stayed true to his one and only love? From the beginning of The Princess Bride to the end of The Princess Bride, the only woman Westley has eyes for is Buttercup. That’s trueness, right there. Upon first seeing Juliet, Romeo can think of none other and eventually commits suicide rather than live without her. Which seems like a big fat example of overwhelming faithfulness, until you remember that Romeo had a thing for Rosaline up until the very second he saw Juliet. Pff. Teenagers. Winner? Westley.

Died a tragic death? As far as I know, Westley and Buttercup lived happily ever after, because no one has made a sequel and they had better not ever do it, nosiree. Romeo, on the other hand, committed suicide when he thought Juliet was dead, and then it turned out she wasn’t really dead, but he was, so she committed suicide too. Whether that’s tragic or not depends on how you feel about lovestruck teens, I guess. But we can all agree that Romeo is absolutely and utterly dead. Winner? Romeo.

Hangs with a cooler crew? Westley is a pirate and thus hangs out with pirates. Since they’re movie pirates and not the torture-you-to-death-in-front-of-your-wife kind, that’s cool. Also, he later hangs out with Andre the Giant and Inigo Montoya, who is so cool he doesn’t even mind that nobody in the whole film pronounces his name right. Romeo’s bestest buddy is Mercutio, who is played by the uber-cool Harold Perrineau. Which is cool. Unfortunately, Mercutio dies a sudden and tragic death, and curses the houses of both the Montagues and Capulets, which is less cool. So I guess Westley wins. As well he should.

Inigo Montoya is so cool, it doesn't even matter that his hair looks like that.

Mercutio, on the other hand, has very cool hair.

Shares a more romantic moment with his lady love? Who can hear the names Romeo and Juliet without thinking of the balcony scene, and “Wherefore art thou, Romeo?” That’s so romantic, squee! But lest we get caught up in the romance of a night-time rendezvous, let us remember that “Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end.” Winner? Westley.

This scene was pretty romantic, though.

But Buttercup and Westley for the win.

Overall winner? In a sound trouncing, Westley takes this one. Sorry, Romeo.

It's because I'm biased.

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