Ghosts in shells, bosses that are babies, and others

March 31, 2017 at 9:27 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , , , )

You probably think I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately because I haven’t been posting any “movies I’m not seeing this weekend,” but you’re wrong. I’ve just been lazy and awful and hardly posting anything.

So here’s a quick rundown of some movies I won’t be seeing, no how, no way, yuck.

Beauty and the Beast (Live Version for some reason). I guess we have to have live versions of all the Disney princess movies now? I can’t wait for the Snow White remake, because that won’t be super boring or anything.

But apparently she doesn’t have Stockholm Syndrome and falls for her captor because … I don’t know … true love?

Ghost in the Shell. And here we have a movie where Scarlett Johansson, whose name I can never spell, plays a woman who is in no way shape or form Japanese because Scarjo (I’m only doing it because I can’t spell her name! I’m sorry! I hate portmanteaus!) would never take a role from a person of color, this is just a random woman who was Japanese in the original version but is no longer Japanese, so why you got to be hating on the Black Widow?

Truth-telling time, here: I had a hard time following the anime and didn’t really like it.

Power Rangers. I NEVER LIKED MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS AND I REFUSE TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

Nostalgia is a terrible thing, you guys.

Kong: Skull Island: How is Samuel L. Jackson in, like, all the movies? Is he clones? I think he’s clones.

That might also explain how he hasn’t aged in 30 years.

Boss Baby. Just ick. Yuck. Looks so dumb. Bleh.

Screw you, Dreamworks. I hate you and your stupid movie so much.

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Tarzan, King of the Apes

June 29, 2016 at 9:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Right. So, the first thing about this new Tarzan movie is that I’ve been reading about feral children lately, and most of them can’t speak. So every time I see an ad for this new Tarzan flick and he’s speaking perfect English, I’m like: “Pfft! Like he’d be able to talk at all!”

Plus, I'm sorry, but he'd probably be more attracted to lady apes than to ladies, because he would think he was an ape.

Plus, I’m sorry, but he’d probably be more attracted to lady apes than to ladies.

The second thing about the new Tarzan flick is boy do those apes look fake.

"All right, now, Alexander, we'd like you to pretend like you're running in a flock of apes. A flock? What the hell do they call a group of apes, anyway?"

“All right, now, Alexander, we’d like you to pretend like you’re running in a flock of apes. A flock? What the hell do they call a group of apes, anyway?

The third thing is does Samuel L. Jackson have to take every role he’s offered? Is it some sort of “deal with the devil” scenario?

"The details of my agreement do not allow me to answer that question conclusively."

“The details of my agreement do not allow me to answer that question conclusively.”

The last thing is there’s only one true Tarzan, and that Tarzan is Johnny Weissmuller.

Because I like old movies, that's why.

Because I like old movies, that’s why.

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So you think you’re dating a Jedi Master: A modern teen’s guide

February 8, 2016 at 2:35 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Lately, you’ve been seeing someone. He’s pretty spiritual, talking about this “Force” that flows through all living things. He even claims to be a master of this “Force.”

You know what that means! You’re dating a Jedi Master, probably.

Here’s a handy guide to make certain your boyfriend is a really, truly legit Jedi Master.

You’re welcome.

1. Your boyfriend has a shag haircut and once kissed his twin sister. Congratulations! You’re dating Young Luke Skywalker! He is truly a Jedi master.

He's no Han Solo, though.

He’s no Han Solo, though.

2. Your boyfriend is a loner who hangs out in swamps and talks backwardly. Good news, everyone! You’re dating Yoda, a Jedi master among Jedi masters.

"Double-dutch at the movies, we will."

“Double-dutch at the movies, we will.”

3. Your boyfriend belongs to the church of Jediism. The bad news for you is he’s not a Jedi master. The good news is you can tell your mother he attends church regularly.

"Oh, Mom, they've been passing out lightsabers at OUR church too."

“Oh, Mom, they’ve been passing out lightsabers at OUR church too.”

4. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Hey, good for you! You’re dating Obi-Wan Kenobi!

I was going to make a "These are not the droids you're looking for" joke here, but then I realized it wouldn't work with the whole "dating a Jedi" theme, and then I ended up with my longest photo caption ever.

I was going to make a “These are not the droids you are looking for” joke here, but then I realized it wouldn’t work with the whole “dating a Jedi” theme, and then I ended up with my longest photo caption ever.

5. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Or you’re dating Old Luke Skywalker.

"Jeez, lady, I'm not THAT old."

“Jeez, lady, I’m not THAT old.”

6. Your boyfriend force-chokes his stupid enemies, and looks good in black. Technically, your boyfriend is a Sith Lord, but I’m going to call it close enough. You’re dating Darth Vader!

"(Insert Your Name Here), I am your boyfriend."

“(Insert Your Name Here), I am your boyfriend.”

7. Your boyfriend looks like Samuel L. Jackson. Excellent! You’re dating the Jedi that Samuel L. Jackson played in those movies that don’t exist.

Oooh! Snazzy purple lightsaber!

Oooh! Snazzy purple lightsaber!

8. Your boyfriend is a whiny baby who throws temper tantrums and is a dirty patricide. Spoiler alert! You’re dating Kylo Ren.

Stupid Kylo Ren. Just so stupid. Hate you.

Stupid Kylo Ren. Just so stupid. Hate you.

9. Your boyfriend would turn the galaxy upside down if someone kidnapped his daughter. Yea! You’re dating either Qui-Gon Jinn or Liam Neeson in Taken (and Taken 2).

"Even I can't tell the difference anymore."

“Even I can’t tell the difference anymore.”

10. Your boyfriend is a pretty lady. Holy Mary Sues, Batman! You’re dating Rey, who is a super-powerful Jedi despite having neither training nor any knowledge of the Force prior to it awakening within her!

Your boyfriend is really pretty.

Your boyfriend is really pretty.

So there you have it! You’re definitely dating one of the guys who goes to a Jedi Church, because the rest of them are made up.

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The Long Kiss Goodnight is an underrated holiday classic

December 15, 2011 at 1:00 pm (Randomosity) (, , )

So Christmas time has come again, which means your favorite TV shows are going to have Christmas-themed episodes of variable quality, you’ll get to see Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the 277th time, and you’ll catch the occasional Christmas-themed flick during your weekend television viewing.

But you know what Christmas movie you’re probably not going to see?

The Long Kiss Goodnight.

Also, it has, like, the BEST action movie name ever.

And that is a damnable shame.

Because The Long Kiss Goodnight is the best Christmas movie ever.

See, you’ve got Geena Davis (playing a spy with amnesia way before anybody ever heard of Jason Bourne) killing people left and right, all the while being a total badass.

I mean, she can ice skate AND murder people at the same time. I can't even ice skate!

You’ve got Samuel L. Jackson getting exploded right out of a window and being just fine.

And the guy from X-Men: The Second One stows a gun in the BEST PLACE EVER.

You’ve got buildings exploding and massacres on farms. You’ve got the government conspiring with terrorists. You’ve got Geena Davis saying to the big baddie: “You’re going to die screaming. And I’m going to watch.”

And who can forget the water torture scene, when she says all terrifying-like to the bad guy: "I let you touch me, Cowboy. I think I need a bath."

You’ve got Geena Davis’s little girl saying, “Mommy, are we going to die?” And Geena Davis answering, “No, you’re not going to die, honey. They are.” She’s the best mommy ever!!!

I feel like I'd be a better mother if I had access to machine guns.

And all of this immense awesome is set against a background of O Holy Nights and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

(Oh, and some guy gets started on fire in a helicopter somehow, and as he’s falling to his death, he gets tangled up in a bunch of Christmas lights.)

God bless us all, everyone, indeed.

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