You probably think I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately because I haven’t been posting any “movies I’m not seeing this weekend,” but you’re wrong. I’ve just been lazy and awful and hardly posting anything.
So here’s a quick rundown of some movies I won’t be seeing, no how, no way, yuck.
Beauty and the Beast (Live Version for some reason). I guess we have to have live versions of all the Disney princess movies now? I can’t wait for the Snow White remake, because that won’t be super boring or anything.
Ghost in the Shell. And here we have a movie where Scarlett Johansson, whose name I can never spell, plays a woman who is in no way shape or form Japanese because Scarjo (I’m only doing it because I can’t spell her name! I’m sorry! I hate portmanteaus!) would never take a role from a person of color, this is just a random woman who was Japanese in the original version but is no longer Japanese, so why you got to be hating on the Black Widow?
Power Rangers. I NEVER LIKED MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS AND I REFUSE TO SEE THIS MOVIE.
Kong: Skull Island: How is Samuel L. Jackson in, like, all the movies? Is he clones? I think he’s clones.
Boss Baby. Just ick. Yuck. Looks so dumb. Bleh.
Right. So, the first thing about this new Tarzan movie is that I’ve been reading about feral children lately, and most of them can’t speak. So every time I see an ad for this new Tarzan flick and he’s speaking perfect English, I’m like: “Pfft! Like he’d be able to talk at all!”
The second thing about the new Tarzan flick is boy do those apes look fake.
The third thing is does Samuel L. Jackson have to take every role he’s offered? Is it some sort of “deal with the devil” scenario?
The last thing is there’s only one true Tarzan, and that Tarzan is Johnny Weissmuller.
Lately, you’ve been seeing someone. He’s pretty spiritual, talking about this “Force” that flows through all living things. He even claims to be a master of this “Force.”
You know what that means! You’re dating a Jedi Master, probably.
Here’s a handy guide to make certain your boyfriend is a really, truly legit Jedi Master.
1. Your boyfriend has a shag haircut and once kissed his twin sister. Congratulations! You’re dating Young Luke Skywalker! He is truly a Jedi master.
2. Your boyfriend is a loner who hangs out in swamps and talks backwardly. Good news, everyone! You’re dating Yoda, a Jedi master among Jedi masters.
3. Your boyfriend belongs to the church of Jediism. The bad news for you is he’s not a Jedi master. The good news is you can tell your mother he attends church regularly.
4. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Hey, good for you! You’re dating Obi-Wan Kenobi!
5. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Or you’re dating Old Luke Skywalker.
6. Your boyfriend force-chokes his stupid enemies, and looks good in black. Technically, your boyfriend is a Sith Lord, but I’m going to call it close enough. You’re dating Darth Vader!
7. Your boyfriend looks like Samuel L. Jackson. Excellent! You’re dating the Jedi that Samuel L. Jackson played in those movies that don’t exist.
8. Your boyfriend is a whiny baby who throws temper tantrums and is a dirty patricide. Spoiler alert! You’re dating Kylo Ren.
9. Your boyfriend would turn the galaxy upside down if someone kidnapped his daughter. Yea! You’re dating either Qui-Gon Jinn or Liam Neeson in Taken (and Taken 2).
10. Your boyfriend is a pretty lady. Holy Mary Sues, Batman! You’re dating Rey, who is a super-powerful Jedi despite having neither training nor any knowledge of the Force prior to it awakening within her!
So there you have it! You’re definitely dating one of the guys who goes to a Jedi Church, because the rest of them are made up.
So Christmas time has come again, which means your favorite TV shows are going to have Christmas-themed episodes of variable quality, you’ll get to see Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the 277th time, and you’ll catch the occasional Christmas-themed flick during your weekend television viewing.
But you know what Christmas movie you’re probably not going to see?
The Long Kiss Goodnight.
And that is a damnable shame.
Because The Long Kiss Goodnight is the best Christmas movie ever.
See, you’ve got Geena Davis (playing a spy with amnesia way before anybody ever heard of Jason Bourne) killing people left and right, all the while being a total badass.
You’ve got Samuel L. Jackson getting exploded right out of a window and being just fine.
You’ve got buildings exploding and massacres on farms. You’ve got the government conspiring with terrorists. You’ve got Geena Davis saying to the big baddie: “You’re going to die screaming. And I’m going to watch.”
You’ve got Geena Davis’s little girl saying, “Mommy, are we going to die?” And Geena Davis answering, “No, you’re not going to die, honey. They are.” She’s the best mommy ever!!!
And all of this immense awesome is set against a background of O Holy Nights and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.
(Oh, and some guy gets started on fire in a helicopter somehow, and as he’s falling to his death, he gets tangled up in a bunch of Christmas lights.)
God bless us all, everyone, indeed.