Ghosts in shells, bosses that are babies, and others

March 31, 2017 at 9:27 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , , , )

You probably think I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately because I haven’t been posting any “movies I’m not seeing this weekend,” but you’re wrong. I’ve just been lazy and awful and hardly posting anything.

So here’s a quick rundown of some movies I won’t be seeing, no how, no way, yuck.

Beauty and the Beast (Live Version for some reason). I guess we have to have live versions of all the Disney princess movies now? I can’t wait for the Snow White remake, because that won’t be super boring or anything.

But apparently she doesn’t have Stockholm Syndrome and falls for her captor because … I don’t know … true love?

Ghost in the Shell. And here we have a movie where Scarlett Johansson, whose name I can never spell, plays a woman who is in no way shape or form Japanese because Scarjo (I’m only doing it because I can’t spell her name! I’m sorry! I hate portmanteaus!) would never take a role from a person of color, this is just a random woman who was Japanese in the original version but is no longer Japanese, so why you got to be hating on the Black Widow?

Truth-telling time, here: I had a hard time following the anime and didn’t really like it.

Power Rangers. I NEVER LIKED MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS AND I REFUSE TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

Nostalgia is a terrible thing, you guys.

Kong: Skull Island: How is Samuel L. Jackson in, like, all the movies? Is he clones? I think he’s clones.

That might also explain how he hasn’t aged in 30 years.

Boss Baby. Just ick. Yuck. Looks so dumb. Bleh.

Screw you, Dreamworks. I hate you and your stupid movie so much.

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Lucy is driving me nuts

July 25, 2014 at 10:31 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

Lucy might be a good flick, I guess. It’s got Scarlett Johansson doing her sexy badass thing, which people are definitely into, so that’s promising.

I mean, she's not my cup of tea, but some people are into hot blondes with awesome figures, I suppose.

I mean, she’s not my cup of tea, but some people are into hot blondes with awesome figures, I suppose.

But why — WHY — couldn’t at some point someone working on the movie itself pointed out that “people only use 10 percent of their brains” is a bunch of hooey and, thus, the entire premise of the movie is INCREDIBLY FLAWED, which makes it, just, beyond stupid.

It's like picking your nose and then saying we only use 10 percent of our fingers.

It’s like picking your nose and then saying we only use 10 percent of our fingers.

Every time I see the trailer, when I hear Morgan Freeman say, “People only use 10 percent of their brains,” I scream: “NO THAT IS INCORRECT AND IF AN IDIOT LIKE ME KNOWS IT THEN A SCIENTIST SHOULD DEFINITELY KNOW IT THIS WHOLE PREMISE IS FLAWED AAAAGGGGHHHHHHH.”

Even the stupid poster is saying it GAHHHHH.

Even the stupid poster is saying it GAHHHHH.

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Don Jon: Please fire the title writer

September 27, 2013 at 3:27 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Don Jon could be a good movie.

The POSTER certainly wants you to think so.

The POSTER certainly wants you to think so.

I mean, I don’t want to see it. But it could be a good movie. Even if it is about Joseph Gordon-Levitt suffering from a porn addiction trying to see Scarlett Johansson as an actual person, because when you’re trying to see women as real people and not objects, Scarlett Johansson is the logical place to start.

Scarlett Johansson: A person who is totally never objectified to satisfy our personal lusts.

Scarlett Johansson: A person who is totally never objectified to satisfy our personal lusts.

So … probably not a good movie (but certainly better than Baggage Claim, which I recently learned exists, and is about a woman who wants to meet Mr. Right before her younger sister gets married and it involves lots of frequent flyer miles, because of course it does)…

Oh God, don't touch her! Her spinsterhood might get all over you!

Oh God, don’t touch her, gentlemen! Her spinsterhood might get all over you!

… but WHAT THE HELL WITH THE ATROCIOUS TITLE?

Also this expression. WHAT WITH THIS EXPRESSION, Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

Also this expression. WHAT THE HELL WITH THIS EXPRESSION, Joseph Gordon-Levitt?

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