Yeah, so, apparently Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher had a torrid affair during the filming of Star Wars, which would be cool, because, like, wow! Han and Leia were really in love, that’s great, but it’s not cool because Harrison Ford was totally married and Carrie Fisher was totally only 19, and now one of my favorite movie romances is ruined!
Thank God I have my other favorite movie romance to fall back on.
Like, seriously, how cool would a city of bones be? Or, you know, horrifying, depending on your stance on cities made out of bones.
But then you find out that before you get to the City of Bones, you have to spend some serious quality time with Eyebrow Girl and her friend Blonde Guy Who Talks Snooty, and then you start reconsidering your vacation to the City of Bones.
And that’s why I need you to go to The World’s End with me, because we all love Simon Pegg and Nick Frost and Watson.
Yea! I just saw a movie! It was the new Star Trek movie, which I’m glad I didn’t let anyone talk me out of, because, as a non-Star Trek fan, I didn’t care about any continuity issues or any of that. All I cared about was two things: Benedict Cumberbatch as KAHHHHHNNNN!!! and Simon Pegg as SCOTTTTTTYYYY!!! (OK, that’s not quite as … eh, whatever.)
So, play by play of the movie:
The Enterprise crew does something on a planet and Sylar from Heroes nearly dies, which makes his girlfriend, Hot Actress Whose Name I Don’t Know, kind of sad and angry. Then they go back to earth and OH MY GOD SO MUCH TALKING WHEN WILL THE EXPLOSIONS BEGIN and then Benedict Cumberbatch saves a little girl’s life so her dad can kill some other people, like, YEA, THINGS ARE BLOWING UP FINALLY. Then Benedict Cumberbatch kills some more people, including New Captain Kirk’s boss/friend or somebody (didn’t see first Star Trek reboot film; probably won’t; not sorry; except about excessive use of semi-colons), but he doesn’t kill Robocop, who is also in this movie, YEA ROBOCOP!
Then New Captain Kirk and everybody EXCEPT Simon Pegg goes off to kill Benedict Cumberbatch, which probably is because Simon Pegg likes Sherlock too, because he’s awesome like that. But then they don’t kill Benedict Cumberbatch, which is good, because who would keep watching this movie if Evil Sherlock Holmes was dead? So they fight some Klingons, because what fun is a Star Trek movie without murdering Klingons (except maybe some of the Next Generation ones, I guess), and then Benedict Cumberbatch (who went and hid on a Klingon planet for some reason) comes out and OH MY GOD HURTS SO MANY PEOPLE I HAVE A NEW FETISH. Then he reveals that he’s KAHHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!, which everyone already knew, so I’m not putting a spoiler alert, go suck, and he’s like, Robocop wanted you to shoot these torpedoes at the enemy planet to start a war, it’s all his fault, and then I had to go, “Wait, how did he know you’d go running off to the Klingon planet? Was that part of his plan, too? Dammit, I wasn’t expecting to nitpick anything because I don’t know anything about Star Trek but that’s just illogical!!”
But then I just went with it, because Benedict Cumberbatch. Also, Simon Pegg came back, and I was in my happy place. (Apparently, my happy place is in, like, the United Kingdom, which is populated by Cumberbatches and Peggs and is a land of magic and wonder….) Oh, also, Evil Sherlock Holmes was totally right that Robocop was trying to start a war with the Klingons, and then everybody on the Enterprise almost dies, but then they don’t because Simon Pegg saves the day, and then they almost do, except SHERLOCK HOLMES TOTALLY MURDERS ROBOCOP.
(P.S. BEST SENTENCE EVER!!!)
Then some other stuff happens, but I don’t really remember it because I was too busy replaying the scenes of Benedict Cumberbatch hurting people in my head, but then New Captain Kirk dies, except I totally called he wasn’t dead because of the KAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!! blood they injected in the Tribble, and then (THEN!!) Benedict Cumberbatch hurts THE HELL out of Sylar from Heroes, which was so AWESOME because costuming put him in a trenchcoat, and I think I’m getting the vapors.
Then Benedict Cumberbatch/Evil Sherlock Holmes/KAAAAAHHHHHNNNN!!!! is put back into cryogenic sleep and then I kind of fell asleep because Stupid New Captain Kirk started talking again and wouldn’t shut up. Then the movie was over.
Also, I didn’t sit through the credits, so if it ends with something like Benedict Cumberbatch’s eyes springing open in his cryogenic tube, I am going to be SO MAD.
Hey, guys! Some movie opens this weekend and the modern Sherlock Holmes is a bad guy in it and I want to see it sooooo bad because is there anything hotter than a villainous Benedict Cumberbatch?
Seriously, though, the new Star Trek movie looks really awesome in certain spots, like the parts that have my TV boyfriend, Evil Sherlock Holmes, and also the parts that have Simon Pegg because SQUEEEE SIMON PEGG!
Wait, that wasn’t very serious at all.
The trailer, which I linked to above for your clicking pleasure, is all overwrought with oh my god what will New Captain Kirk do and his obsession will kill us all and it’s like who can get behind a guy with eyebrows like that, you know?
And then Evil Holmes swoops in all awesomely, and I totally can’t go see this movie in the theaters because I’ll be rooting for the terrorist to win, which makes me profoundly unAmerican, I guess.
But you guys tell me how it is, and then tell me when the Internet makes a version that cuts out all the non-Benedict Cumberbatch scenes, and I’ll watch that one.
Because do I really have to explain?
On to the battle!
(Seriously, I don’t think I really have to explain.)
Physicality. If you put Benedict Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg in a room together and told me I could only have one of them, I would curl up on the floor in the fetal position and weep, unable to choose. In the end, though, I’d remember how much I love really tall men, and take the modern-day Sherlock home with me. (I’d put him on my collectibles shelf, of course.) Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch, by virtue of being taller than Simon Pegg. Er, I mean, Sherlock Holmes.
Loves his work more than anything else, except for one special person? Sherlock Holmes lives for the thrill of solving crimes, the more interesting the better. He doesn’t much care for the human race (like, who does, right, bunch of 50 Shades of Grey-loving bastards that they are anyway), except for his bestest buddy of all: Dr. John “Hobbit” Watson. Sgt. Nicholas Angel doesn’t exactly live for the thrill of solving crime, but he sure enjoys everything being all neat and orderly and, you know, solved. He got dumped by his fiancee because he loved his job more than her, and was destined to a life of lonely police work until he met that one special person, Danny Butterman. Winner? It’s a tie.
Is more badass? Until Sherlock Holmes bends a fire poker with his bare hands on Sherlock, I wait with bated breath for an action sequence better than the ones in the second episode of Season 1. On the other hand, Sgt. Nicholas Angel can do flips over fences and all sorts of wonderful stuff and I love him soooooo much! Winner? It’s a tie
Now please enjoy one of my favorite movie scenes ever:
Knows how to drive? I have seen no evidence that Sherlock Holmes knows how to drive, what with most incarnations of him living before there were such things as “cars,” and his most current incarnation taking cabs everywhere (I mean, if they even call them cabs in London, right? Ha, ha, ha, those funny Brits). Sgt. Nicholas Angel, though, can drive, and often does so. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.
Flips his coat lapel up frequently? You know who does such a thing frequently? Sherlock Holmes frequently does such a thing. I’m not sure Sgt. Nicholas Angel’s coat even has lapels. This doesn’t seem fair at all. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Defeats an evil cabal of town elders? Unfortunately for Sherlock Holmes, London is much too large to be under the control of an evil cabal of town leaders, which is a shame, because I think he’d have fun with that. Sgt. Nicholas Angel, however, SPOILER ALERT I guess, totally does defeat an evil cabal of town elders. And then the jail explodes. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.
Is a bit, shall we say, nit-picky? Sherlock Holmes once traveled all the way to, I don’t know, Belarus or someplace, to correct a criminal on the proper tense of death by hanging. However, Sgt. Nicholas Angel carries two pens with him at all times, God I love him, and insists on calling cops police officers and does all sorts of stuff by the book, because he is the best and I love him. Winner? It’s a tie.
Faked his own death? Sherlock Holmes faked the hell out of his own death, what with pretending he’d died in a plummet from Reichenbach Falls and all, fooling the world, his own best friend, and all of Arthur Conan Doyle’s readers. Mostly this is because Sir Doyle really did kill off Holmes, and retconned him back into existence, but faked his own death it is! Sgt. Nicholas Angel didn’t actually fake his own death, but he pretended to be dead when Danny stabbed him, so that kind of counts, right? Winner? It’s a tie!
The ultimate, tie-breaking question: Who has a cuter sidekick/BFF? Awww, jeez, this is rough. I mean, Dr. John Watson is so Martin Freeman-y, what with the cute blonde hair and that face — but Danny Butterman is the adorable Nick Frost, who is just so cute and I love him and I can’t decide!!! Winner? It’s a tie-ish?
Um, overall winner? Hah, I’m just kidding. The winner is Sherlock Holmes, because he always wins these things.
Because I would totally room with them. You know, were they to request I do so.
Hell, for Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, I would learn the lyrics to the love song from Titanic and make up an interpretive dance while I performed it in front of a live audience. And, if they asked me, I would then kill the audience.
I would do that for Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. I love those guys.
But you know what I’m not going to do for Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? See Paul. And I’m deeply sorry for that, I really am, and I hope they forgive me and, when we’re roommates, it won’t be one of those things, but I just absolutely don’t want to see it.
For this, I blame the voice of Seth Rogen.
Well, and whoever designed the creepy little alien guy. I don’t like that either.
But mostly Seth Rogen’s voice, which is somehow more irritating when it is not coming from Seth Rogen’s face.
And now, to remind me that something good did come from Paul, here’s a video that I’m sure you have all already seen, but I don’t care because it’s just that good.
(I love you, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost! Let’s be besties!!)
Dear Nicholas Angel,
I love you.
I love everything about you.
From the way you leap over things to the way you do flips over things, I love you.
For your unerring accuracy with an air pistol, I love you.
For the way you carry two spare pens with you, I love you. For the way you ride white horses while loaded down with more artillery than I’ve ever seen in my life, I love you.
I love the way you’re ready and willing to do paperwork on all those people you’ve arrested. I love the way you insist on saying “police officer” instead of “policeman.”
I love the way you say “Yarb” when you’re fooling the bad guys.
I love the way you raise a Japanese peace lily only to use it for bashing in the head of the guy who says “Yarb.”
I love the way you rescue stray swans.
I love the way you say “collision” instead of “accident” because accident implies no one is at fault.
I love the way you wear a vest.
And I know that Danny Butterman is your soul mate, and that’s OK. I want you to know that I don’t mind.
I will totally take sloppy seconds.
Valentine’s week continues! And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s watching romantic movies. Also dramas. Actually, anything where something doesn’t blow up or get attacked by zombies occasionally. Or ninja. Attacked by ninja is also good.
So instead of a list of great romantic movies, I’m making a list of movies that aren’t romances, but have romance, but when you think about it, maybe they’re not so romantic after all.
1. The Terminator.
Why it’s romantic: John Connor sends his father back from the future to meet his mother, protect her from the big bad Terminator and also woo her. It’s a beautiful love story!
Oh, but wait: But the only reason John Connor did all that was so that he could be born and fight the machines in the future. Not so much to contribute to his mother’s great romance. It’s actually much less romantic and much more clinical, if you think about it.
Why it’s romantic: After Takeshi Kaneshiro and the time-traveling girl save the world, she comes back in time once more to save his life. There’s a tender goodbye scene when she goes back to her own time and even a transformation bit, where she looks cute in a skirt and new haircut.
Oh, but wait: Errr, the time traveling girl is probably 15 or so, and there’s never any actual overt romance shown between them, only a friendship. So, while it sounds like it borders on the nasty, it’s all completely innocent. I assume.
3. 12 Monkeys (I swear, this is the last entry in the time travel genre)
Why it’s romantic: Bruce Willis convinces Madeleine Stowe that he is a time traveler and that the future of the world is in jeopardy! Also, they fall in love.
Oh, but wait: Really, it sounds more like a rampant case of Stockholm Syndrome at work here. I mean, Bruce Willis just keeps kidnapping Madeleine Stowe. Also, he basically got her stuck in a time loop where she will keep witnessing his death. Also, he’s stuck in that time loop, where he witnesses his own death as a child. That’s not romantic at all, actually.
4. Death Note
Why it’s romantic: High school student Light Yagami’s girlfriend is kidnapped by Naomi Misora, who holds the girl hostage to prove that Light Yagami is the supernatural serial killer Kira. Light Yagami goes to save his girlfriend and prove his own innocence, and his girlfriend breaks free and runs to him. Naomi fires a wild shot, which Light’s girlfriend throws herself in front of to protect Light, and then dies in his arms, just as every teenage girl ever has dreamed of doing.
Oh, but wait: Actually, Light Yagami is the supernatural serial killer Kira, possessor of the Death Note, in which he wrote that his girlfriend would be struck and killed by a bullet at that exact time. So, she not only didn’t save his life, she was murdered by him. That’s, um, well, really goddamned evil.
5. X-Men 3
Why it’s romantic: With Cyclops out of the way, the romance between Jean Grey and Wolverine is free to bloom! And bloom it does, until she turns evil, and he is the only one who can stop her. Hey! Guess what? She dies in his arms. Totally romantic.
Oh, but wait: X-Men 3 was a really bad movie. Also, Cyclops is out of the way because Jean Grey killed him. Also, her hair is really nasty in the film.
Why it’s romantic: A man with anterograde amnesia is seeking revenge by tracking down his wife’s murderer. It’s love even after death! Even after brain damage! What. Could. Be. More. Romantic?
Oh, but wait: Actually, it turns out that amnesia guy’s wife survived the attack that gave him brain damage. And, in fact, he was the one that killed her by giving her an overdose of insulin. Which he didn’t remember doing, because anterograde amnesia is the kind where you can’t form any new memories, so any time you do something seems like the first time you did something. Also, he killed his wife’s rapist ages ago, and now he’s just randomly murdering people.
Why it’s romantic: Hey, right off the bat, Peter Parker tells us this is a story about a girl. A girl named Mary Jane Watson. That’s romantic! Plus it’s got the whole upside down kiss and he saves her life. Romantic.
Oh, but wait: Yeah, whatever, Peter Parker. “This is a story about a girl, by which I mean, I get bitten by a radioactive spider, my uncle dies and I fight a super-powered bad guy and there’s a girl in it briefly. Also, I dump her. Because I’m Spiderman.”
Why it’s romantic: Jimmy Stewart is hired to protect a beautiful woman and falls in love with her, and she with him. Tragically, she falls to her death. But the love story’s not over yet! After spending time in some sort of asylum, Jimmy Stewart comes across a girl on the street … who’s the spitting image of his lost love!
Oh, but wait: OK, this is when the crazy really starts. Jimmy Stewart takes this girl and remakes her in the image of the woman he lost. Also, it turns out the girl was actually the woman he loved and she still loves him, which is why she’s letting him make her dye her hair and wear dresses. Oh, and she’s actually the woman he loved because she was hired to impersonate the real woman for convoluted reason I can’t remember, and so she was involved in a conspiracy to murder that woman! Also, she falls to her death, and it’s totally Jimmy Stewart’s fault, so … not all that romantic.
9. Last Night
Why it’s romantic: Don McKellar, having trouble getting over his lost love (she died of cancer or something) meets a beautiful woman (Sandra Oh) and the movie ends with their passionate kiss.
Oh, but wait: Why is this movie called “Last Night”? Oh, because it’s the last night the earth will exist, you say? This is a movie about the end of the world, you say? That’s … well, it’s still kind of romantic, right? I mean, it ends with a kiss! Oh, Don McKellar meets Sandra Oh while she’s trying to return home to her husband? Who is brutally murdered by some kids who are terrified of the end of the world? And Sandra Oh and Don McKellar were going to shoot each other in the head before deciding to go for a kiss? That’s … less romantic. Yeah. A lot less.
10. Hot Fuzz
Why it’s romantic: A supercop is transferred to a small town in England, where he meets a slacker cop, helps him change his ways and fights a council of evil villagers, all while featuring some of the most longing gazes in the history of cinema ever.
Oh, but wait: So Simon Pegg and Nick Frost aren’t supposed to be falling in love in this movie? Look, seriously, people, are we sure? I mean, did you see those longing gazes??
A specific quality I look for in my famous people crushes is “Is this guy prettier than me?” That takes a lot of doing, of course, as anyone who knows me will testify that I am quite the looker. (No photographic evidence will be provided.)
This opening paragraph gives me an excuse to insert a photo of Takeshi Kaneshiro as the perfect example.
But there’s some guys out there who … well, just ain’t pretty. Some of them aren’t even all that tall, which is another trait I look for.
Which gives me an excuse to insert a photo of the 6’5″ Kyle Secor.
Right, right, moving on to shorter, less pretty guys, I present you with a list of 10 of them!
1. Simon Pegg. Yes, we’re all aware that recently, I’ve found Simon Pegg to be very, very hot. But if I’m honest with myself, which, we all have to admit, I rarely am, Simon Pegg is not actually all that hot. Except that he is. It’s like a paradox or oxymoron of some sort. I don’t know.
2. Adam Baldwin. Adam Baldwin is the opposite of pretty. He’s growly, he’s scary, he’s built like a brick …house! And every time he shoots at people or punches them in the face, I giggle like a schoolgirl. A schoolgirl with a gigantic crush on Adam Baldwin.
3. Jackie Earle Haley. Yeah, so, Jackie Earle Haley, huh? Jackie Earle Haley is shorter than me. He’s shorter than me! (By a quarter inch, but still!) And one of the best things about him playing Rorschach was that he was exactly the right shade of ugly. (I mean this as a compliment, Jackie Earle Haley! I love you!) Anyway, he’s mysteriously hot. It’s probably the whole Rorschach thing, I don’t know.
4. Eric Elbogen. (Of Say Hi.) Hey, it’s a musician! His lyrics make me laugh, and he seems to be about as geeky as I am. But he’s no (insert hot musician name here, because I can’t think of any), am I right?
5. Bruce Campbell. Bruce Campbell is hot because he’s Bruce Campbell. That is all.
6. Timothy Omundson. I watch USA’s Psych for two reasons: 1) to see how many pop culture references they can make in one minute; 2) because there’s something about Timothy Omundson that makes me feel all squishy.
7. (Nonpuffy) James Spader. James Spader, in his prime, was geeky, thin and pasty. And soooo sexy, right, ladies? I can’t even watch Boston Legal these days, and not just because it looks like a horrible show.
8. Kyle MacLachlan. One of my very first posts at this here blog was a faceoff between Agents Cooper and Mulder. Mulder came out ahead, but only just. I love you, Coop.
9. Speaking of the X-Files, Mitch Pileggi! Don’t ask me either, but he totally is, all right?
10. Britt Daniel. This Spoon frontman is a musician, much like Eric Elbogen, except he’s skinnier and blonder. I don’t know what that has to do with being a musician, but whatever. What makes him hot? He is the frontman of Spoon. That’s so hot.
Who the hell is Jim, you say? Does Jim even have a last name, you say? Probably he does, but no one bothered to tell the Internet what it was!
(Jim is Cillian Murphy’s character in 28 Days Later, another great zombie flick.)
Sure, Shaun and Jim both faced zombies and came out triumphant, but what if they had to go up against each other? (And more zombies, because wouldn’t that be a great crossover??)
Let the epic battle begin!
Physicality. Well, we all know that there’s a soft spot in my heart for the mysteriously hot Simon Pegg, but here’s the thing. There’s nothing mysterious about Cillian Murphy’s hotness. His cheekbones could cut glass. His eyes are like, I don’t know, this real pretty color, like the sky or something, whatever. (In fact, his IMDB page describes his Trade Mark — which should really be one word — as “Bright blue eyes and prominent cheekbones.” Thank God I’m not the only one who noticed.) They’re both pretty short, though, which makes me sad, but I’ll get over it. Also, in 28 Days Later, Jim was completely nude in the hospital for some reason. (Seriously, is that some sort of British thing? “Hey, let’s strip the coma guy! Shit, are those zombies?!”) Winner? Jim.
Cooler weaponry? Shaun had a cricket bat. Mallet? Shaun had a wooden object used in the playing of cricket and he bashed zombies repeatedly about the head with said object. Later, he used a Winchester rifle that he got at the Winchester bar. Also, he used a tetherball pole. (Oooh, and records. He also used records. Not “Purple Rain,” though, God bless ‘im.) Jim had some sort of, I don’t know, baseball bat or something? (Of course, being British too, he probably also had the cricket thing, but what do I know?) Later, he used his bare hands and even a zombie as a weapon (against some remarkably crappy humans, not other zombies). Winner? Shaun, because that bit with the tetherball pole was sooooo funny.
Gets the girl? Yes! Shaun ends up with Liz, the girlfriend who dumped him just as the zombie outbreak begins. Jim hooks up with Selena, who is a crazy gorgeous chick/badass zombie killer. Winner? I’m going to have to go with Shaun here, because I can’t actually imagine Selena and Jim’s relationship lasting once the threat of imminent death was past.
Suffers tragic losses in the course of the zombie invasion? Shaun loses his stepfather, right after the man gives a heartfelt confession about having always loved his stepson. Then his mom gets bit by zombies and he has to shoot her in the face. Then his girlfriend’s flatmates get eaten by zombies. Then his best friend gets bit by zombies, and then I started crying and couldn’t stop. Gimme a second here. *sob* Jim wakes from a coma to find that his parents committed suicide to avoid turning into zombies (in this zombie flick, interestingly enough, the infected are living creatures, not walking undead). Really, those were the only people he was close to. Everyone else around him who dies are just people he met after the apocalypse. Winner? Shaun. *sob*
Bigger badass? God, did you see the way Shaun was fighting those zombies with the cricket thing? Wasn’t that cool? And the way he lit that bar counter on fire? And the way he took a dart to the head? Pretty badass, right? Hey, hey, did you see the way Jim beat that infected kid to death with his baseball bat or whatever? And then the way he killed all those soldiers who were going to rape his female companions? That was a pretty awesome sequence, wasn’t it? I mean, Jim was actually scarier than the zombies. Winner? I love Shaun (obviously), but the win here has to go to Jim, because, damn, he was one hell of a badass when he killed all those soldiers.
Lived to fight another day? You’d think this would be a tie, wouldn’t you? Well, you clearly haven’t seen the alternate (original) ending of 28 Days Later, which features Jim’s tragic demise in a hospital (bookending the movie neatly, I suppose). In that ending, he died. Winner? Shaun.
Fought scarier zombies? For a while there, Shaun and his buddy Ed thought the zombie in their yard was a drunk chick. They even took photos of her and stuff. You know, before it became painfully apparent that she was undead. (And let that be a lesson to you, folks. Always assume the creepy person in your yard is a zombie until proven otherwise! Be prepared! Zombie apocalypse!) Jim, however, had to face the first fast-moving zombies. They were, like, the Usain Bolt of zombies! Zoom! Really fast! Winner? Jim.
Better soundtrack? All right, 28 Days Later had some neat songs, like that one song by Granddaddy and that other song that played over the ending credits and also that mix of “Ave Maria.” But Shaun of the Dead had The Smiths and Peter Cetera! Plus loads of other fun and/or good songs! Winner? Shaun!
Overall winner? Looks like Shaun comes out triumphant here, people. Cillian Murphy’s Jim was awesome, but he’s no Shaun (of the Dead).