Bob Belcher vs. Sterling Malory Archer

March 9, 2015 at 10:44 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , )

It’s a battle of veritable cartoon giants! Mostly because I wanted to use the word “veritable”!

In one corner, you’ve got restaurateur Bob Belcher. In the other corner, you’ve got superspy Sterling Archer. What could these two gents possibly have in common?

Outside of gorgeous voices, not bloody much.

I would just like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to H. Jon Benjamin.

I would just like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to H. Jon Benjamin.

I mean, one guy runs a restaurant and one guy’s an international man of mystery! They have, almost literally, nothing in common!

Anyway, on to the possibly lopsided battle!

Physicality. Bob Belcher has a glorious, glorious mustache. I like using the word glorious to describe facial hair. Maybe you could tell. He’s a tad overweight and going a bit bald in back, and he seems pretty hairy. Sterling Archer has a strong jawline, jet-black hair and a cartoon physique to kill for. He would be the most attractive cartoon man ever, except Spike Spiegel exists. Winner? Spike Spiegel, because he’s the handsomest cartoon ever, and I will always love him.

I would like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to Spike Spiegel. Look, folks, I have a lot of undying love to give, all right?

I would like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to Spike Spiegel.
Look, folks, I have a lot of undying love to give, all right?

Better cook? Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. He makes burgers. Not just any burgers. Super gourmet burgers, with puns. Archer has a heroin-addicted houseboy (houseoldman?) to cook for him. Winner? Bob Belcher.

I hear they're coming out with a cookbook. I can't wait!

I hear they’re coming out with a cookbook. I can’t wait!

Better spy? Sterling Malory Archer (codename: Duchess) is the world’s most dangerous spy. Mostly due to friendly fire incidents, but still. Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. Winner? Sterling Archer.

Sterling Archer, pictured here: Probably spying?

Sterling Archer, pictured here: Probably … spying?

Runs a burger restaurant? This one time, Sterling Archer got amnesia from the trauma of his mother getting married, and he ran away and changed his name to Bob and ran a burger restaurant. True story! Winner? It’s a tie!

Here's my "pic or it didn't happen" pic.

Here’s my “pix or it didn’t happen” pic.

Better dressed? Bob Belcher mostly wears an apron, but he cleans up okay for nights out with the lady. (The lady would be Linda Belcher, his wife, obviously.)

I felt like this post needed another picture of Bob Belcher, but the man seriously never dresses up.

I felt like this post needed another picture of Bob Belcher, but the man seriously never dresses up.

Sterling Archer has, like, 20 black turtlenecks of varying shades of black, and also a bunch of fancy spy clothes. Winner? Sterling Archer.

Here's Sterling Archer, lookin' good in a suit, about to shoot, oh, I don't know, let's say ... Brett?

Here’s Sterling Archer, lookin’ good in a suit, about to shoot, oh, I don’t know, let’s say … Brett?

Better parent? Bob Belcher, unlike his spiritual successor, Homer Simpson, is not a moron. Also, he never strangles his children for comedic effect. Also, his three kids all seem relatively well-adjusted and like they actually love their parents and *sniff* I wish I was a Belcher!!! Sterling Archer recently discovered he’s the birth father of former flame and current coworker Lana Kane’s adorable daughter. He’s doing his best, but the thing is, Sterling Archer is a horrible, terrible, selfish, awful person. Winner? Bob Belcher.

Although he does have his son dress up in a burger costume, which one could argue -- successfully, I believe -- would be considered child abuse.

Although he does have his son dress up in a burger costume, which one could argue — successfully, I believe — would be considered child abuse.

It’s a tie! Thanks to dark horse Spike Spiegel winning a category out of nowhere, yes. Yes, it is. On to the tiebreaker!

Better backup in a fight? Sure, this category seems like a gimme for Sterling Archer, what with his fancy spy training and his underwear gun and his complete and utter disregard for his own life, but he’s an awful, terrible, horrible, selfish person. Bob Belcher is no Krav Maga-trained superman, and he’s even pooped his pants in a fight, but God bless ‘im, that man would have your back. Winner? Nah, sorry, Bob, but this goes to Archer. You pooped your pants in a fight! How could anyone count on you?

Overall winner? Sterling Archer, by a sexy black turtleneck.

And he knows it, too.

And he knows it, too.

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Ein vs. Scooby-Doo

August 12, 2013 at 11:56 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

It’s a battle of fictional puppies!

One travels the country by van, solving crimes with a bunch of hippies.

Seriously, who grabs a Great Dane, a van and their friends and starts solving crimes?

Seriously, who grabs a Great Dane, a van and their friends and starts solving crimes?

One traverses the solar system in a spaceship, tracking criminals with a bunch of bounty hunters.

I always thought Spike was taller.

I always thought Spike was taller.

Which dog is more awesome? You’re about to find out.

Physicality. Scooby-Doo is a cartoon Great Dane. Ein is a cartoon Welsh Corgi. Have you ever seen a Welsh Corgi? They’ve got these stubby little legs and these ears that stick up and soooo cute. Winner? Ein.

Aww! (To the nth degree)

Aww! (To the nth degree)

Smarter? Scooby-Doo can talk a bit, although his enunciation suffers due to his lack of lips. Ein can’t talk, but he knows more about computers than you do. Especially if you’re my mom. Winner? Ein.

He can even fly a spaceship.

He can even fly a spaceship.

Has been to Mars? Ein’s been to Mars. Not Scooby, though. Winner? Ein.

"I went to Mars and all I got was this lousy dog dish."

“I went to Mars and all I got was this lousy dog dish.”

Visits a lot of abandoned theme parks? Only once in Cowboy Bebop does anybody go visit an abandoned theme park, and nobody thinks to bring Ein with them when they do. Probably because of the brutal assassin lying in wait, but still. On the other hand, Scooby-Doo and the gang practically live in abandoned theme parks. Abandoned theme parks are their bread and butter. Winner? Scooby-Doo.

Gets to hang out with Spike Spiegel? I want to hang out with Spike Spiegel. Winner? Ein.

... well, maybe if he lays off the smoking.

… well, maybe if he lays off the smoking.

Eats on a regular basis? Once, Ein got to eat a hallucinogenic mushroom. Otherwise, he’s about as hungry as the rest of the Bebop crew. Scooby gets Scooby snacks and also whatever else he and Shaggy can fit in their craws. Winner? Scooby.

"Ruh Roh!"

“If they didn’t keep me well-fed, I’d probably eat Velma first.”

Solves more crimes? Scooby-Doo and the gang often solve crimes. It’s, like, their thing. Ein and the crew of the Bebop don’t really solve crimes. They just try to capture criminals for the bounties on their heads, and they’re not really all that good at that. Winner? Scooby-Doo.

Better theme song? The Scooby-Doo theme is very catchy and wonderful, but it’s no Tank!, am I right?

Overall winner? Ein, the second-best character in Cowboy Bebop.

bebop

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Princess Leia vs. Turanga Leela

February 7, 2013 at 11:52 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , )

Here’s a battle between two lovely ladies for your reading pleasure. What do Leia Organa and Turanga Leela have in common, you ask?

Leela and Leia kind of sound alike, that’s what.

On to the battle!

Physicality. One is a young Carrie Fisher with either really long hair or a late 20th-century weave. The other is a Cyclops that is also a cartoon. Winner? Hey, who doesn’t find cartoons attractive? … Seriously, though, it’s a tie.

There is literally nothing wrong with having a crush on a cartoon character when he's this awesome.

There is literally nothing wrong with having a crush on a cartoon character when he’s this awesome.

Is an interstellar space princess? Again with the redundancy, but I really enjoy saying “interstellar space.” Anywho, you know who’s an interstellar space princess? Princess Leia! Princess Leia is an interstellar space princess. Winner? Princess Leia!

They don't get more interstellar space princess-y than that!

They don’t get more interstellar space princess-y than that!

Is a sewer-dwelling mutant? Hey, Leela doesn’t live in the sewers! But her parents do, and sometimes she visits, so we’ll call it “close enough.” Winner? Turanga Leela!

Plus, in a fight, she tends to side with the sewer-dwelling mutants.

Plus, in a fight, she tends to side with the sewer-dwelling mutants.

Has a ray gun? Everybody in the future has ray guns! Also, people living long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. They also have ray guns. Winner? Everybody wins when they’ve got ray guns!

Ray gun!

Ray gun!

Ray gun! (Again.)

Ray gun! (Again.)

Has a better romantic interest? Princess Leia’s romantic interest is Han Solo. They’ve got a will-they-or-won’t-they thing going on, and it turns out they totally will, and everybody went squeeeeee! Han Solo is an interstellar space pirate who looks like a young Harrison Ford. Turanga Leela’s romantic is Philip J. Fry, a sweet-natured, slightly dim 20th century boy who ended up in the future through a wacky series of misadventures. Well, okay, just the one misadventure, really. Winner? As with Kara Thrace before him, anybody who goes up against a young Harrison Ford is going to come up just a wee bit short. Princess Leia.

Although, let it never be said that I wasn't rooting for this to happen pretty much all along.

Although, let it never be said that I wasn’t rooting for this to happen pretty much all along.

Travels through space? In the future and also, apparently, in the past, everybody travels through space.

Winner? It’s a tie.

Looks good in a Slave Leia costume? If you’d think the winner would be obvious, then you haven’t see this image before:

Mrow!

Mrow!

Winner? Another tie!

Oh, of course we weren't getting out of here without an actual Slave Leia picture, never fear.

Oh, of course we weren’t getting out of here without an actual Slave Leia picture, never fear.

Fights an epic evil? If by “fights an epic evil,” you mean “delivers packages to other planets,” then, yes, Turanga Leela fights an epic evil. But you don’t mean that, so: Winner? Princess Leia.

Pilots an interstellar delivery ship? Man, if there’s one thing Star Wars fans would love to see, it would be Princess Leia piloting an interstellar delivery ship. Unfortunately, she doesn’t, so they can’t. Winner? Turanga Leela.

Oh, man, I totally forgot about the time she fought Captain Kirk.

Oh, man, I totally forgot about the time she fought Captain Kirk.

Overall winner? Princess Leia coasts in to the finish line with a slight lead by having the good fortune to fall in love with Han Solo. (I’m not sure why I went with the finish line metaphor, because then these would be fictional character races, not fictional character battles, but we’ll just chalk that one up to creative license, eh?)

Squeeee! Quoth everyone.

Squeeee! Quoth everyone.

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So you think you’re dating Keanu Reeves: A modern teen’s guide

May 31, 2012 at 2:48 pm (Top Ten) (, , )

So, lately, I’ve noticed that Keanu Reeves hasn’t been too busy ruining movies I would otherwise want to go see with his wooden, wooden acting. That means he must have plenty of time for dating right now! He might even be dating you!

(But probably not!)

Let’s find out anyway:

1. Is your boyfriend a terrible, dreadful, incredibly wooden  (yet attractive) actor?

Chances are he’s Keanu Reeves, but he could maybe be Channing Tatum too.

Lift weights or take acting classes? Lift weights or take acting classes?

2. Does he ever smile?

I’m not sure Keanu Reeves does that.

Happy?

3. Was he pretty good in The Matrix, though?

Laurence Fishburne was pretty good in The Matrix.

Wow, he really does look like King Mob.

Well, it’s not like Hollywood ever gets “pasty” and “British” right, anyway.

4. How about trench coats? Does he look good in those?

And not, like, I don’t know, kind of stubby and stupid?

Mmmm, trench coat-y.

5. Was he John Constantine once, because, apparently, Hollywood doesn’t know what “Blond” and “British” are?

“That’s the same thing as ‘brunette’ and ‘bad actor,’ right?”

6. Would he be horribly miscast as Spike Spiegel?

Oh, God, wouldn’t he, though?

Because Spike is the best, that’s why.

7. Have you tried convincing him to model instead?

“I’m an actor,” he replied.

Acting!

8. “Sweetheart, I really think you should consider it,” you said, gently.

“What are you, a film critic?” he said.

9. “No, honey, I’m just a person who enjoys watching films, except when you are in them, because you’re just … well … really bad at them.”

“How come I keep getting cast in them, then?” he answered.

10. “Blackmail? Are you blackmailing someone?”

You’re blackmailing someone, right?

So, to answer your question: You’re probably not dating Keanu Reeves. At least, not anymore, because that last conversation really hurt his feelings.

Awwww, sad Keanu.

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A love letter to Sherlock Holmes

October 3, 2011 at 11:01 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , , )

Dear Sherlock Holmes,

Everyone knows I’ve loved you for a long time. I am the only person I know that read your biography. (That is, an actual biography of Sherlock Holmes, not Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.) But my feelings have always been more about obsessing and less about, you know, lust.

I was always impressed by the way you solved crimes whilst riding in trains.

But thanks to the BBC (God bless the Queen!), that’s all changed.

(As an aside, to my readers who don’t share my Sherlock Holmes obsession, I apologize for the recent spate of posts about Sherlock and can only assure you that more will follow.)

Yes, thanks to the BBC, I love you in the way a woman loves a man. Or, more specifically, the way a fangirl loves a character as portrayed by the brilliant Benedict Cumberbatch. (Let me assure you, Sherlock, fangirls got a whole lotta love in them.)

And especially for Benedict Cumberbatch here, who has a fan group called the "Cumberbitches," which is actually quite clever, I think.

I love the way you investigate crime! I love the way you shoot your apartment wall when you’re bored! I love the way you keep severed heads in your refrigerator and won’t ever get the groceries! I love the way you play the violin instead of interacting with your older brother! I love the way you’re mean to that poor morgue worker who has a crush on you!

That's the look of someone who doesn't care if he's broken the poor morgue girl's heart or not. I love that look.

In short, Sherlock Holmes, I love your misanthropic sociopathical nature.

And your killer cheekbones and stunning grey eyes.

In shorter, Sherlock Holmes, I love you.

I just threw this picture in because I enjoy looking at Benedict Cumberbatch.

(Also Benedict Cumberbatch a bit, because there is no possible way he is a worse human being than you, unless he tortures puppies.)

Oh my god, I see it now, he is totally Spike Spiegel in the flesh, no wonder I love him, SQUEEEEEEE!

I know you’re not interested in women (or men, or fluffy kittens), but if anything ever happens to Watson, please consider ringing me up. I would so help you avenge his death, you don’t even know.

"Your killers will pay, John Watson!" is what I would say.

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Things that I will always love more than you

January 21, 2011 at 3:33 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Dear future boyfriend,

First off, I just want to say that you are such a catch! I mean, here you are: a guy who puts up with me! I am so lucky to have you, future boyfriend, and I just want you to know that. I love your (insert adjective here) and the way you (verb). (Note to self: add descriptors once you actually meet future boyfriend.)

But there’s a few things you need to know, and I have incorporated them here into this handy list. It’s a list of things that I will always love more than you.

1. Elijah Snow. No matter how awesome you are, future boyfriend, unless you were trained in the art of detecting at the knee of the best fictional detective ever (Sherlock Holmes), you cannot compare to Elijah Snow.

Weakness for white foxes: revealed.

Ooooh, and also, you would have to never, ever age, and have the power to freeze stuff and then shatter the hell out of it.

For example, Dracula's crotch.

2. Speaking of the best fictional detective ever: Sherlock Holmes. It’s true, future boyfriend, that there are not many things in this world that I love more than Sherlock Holmes, and I would have to include you on the list (of things that I do not).

Guy Ritchie is something I love much, much less than Sherlock Holmes.

3. Chuck. That show is so cute and I love it (more than you). I hope, if there is a fifth season, it doesn’t suck as bad as the fifth seasons of other shows I used to love, House, I’m looking at you.

Damn, Chuck's girlfriend looks good in leather.

4. Eric Elbogen. Unless future boyfriend and Eric Elbogen are one in the same (pardon me while I laugh at my audacity!), there is just no measuring up to a guy who has written a song about playing Ms. Pac-man.

And he has a head of hair I want to tousle SO BAD.

5. Lone Wolf and Cub. No, future boyfriend, you will never be as awesome as one of the best manga series ever, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask to be alone while I read my copies.

Quiet, you! This is my "me" time!

6. Spike Spiegel. I shouldn’t have to explain why Spike Spiegel is more awesome than you, should I? Fine: he’s tall, thin, tragic yet always has a snappy comeback, and practices jeet kune do. Also, he has a spaceship and is a bounty hunter. In space. He’s a bounty hunter in space.

Bounty hunter. In space.

7. Cowboy Bebop. Spike Spiegel is a character in the best anime ever, and I will always, always love that anime more than you.

There is no way Hollywood won't frak up a live-action version of this show.

8. “Roslin and Adama.” Bear McCreary wrote one of the world’s most beautiful pieces of music for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, and I just can’t imagine that you could possibly make me feel the way it does.

Also, I was totally 'shipping them the whole series.

9. Bulkogi. Man, bulkogi is good. I wish we had a decent Korean joint around here.

I like my bulkogi with carrots and onions.

10. Japan. Japan is crazy and awesome. You, future boyfriend, might be crazy and awesome too, but are you the birthplace of the ninja? No. No, you are not.

I love you, Japan! Call me!

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Faye Valentine vs. Winry Rockbell

December 13, 2010 at 7:25 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

Faye Valentine is the busty, space-traveling, cyber-sleeping, con artist-ing sex symbol of Cowboy Bebop. (Well, the sex symbol for those who swing that way, because we all know there’s no sexier anime character than Spike Spiegel.)

Mrow.

Winry Rockbell is the blonde, wrench-swinging, automail-repairing, bandana-wearing … er … chick from Fullmetal Alchemist. There are other female characters in Fullmetal Alchemist, but Winry just seems like the one who’s best described as a “chick,” you know?

Yes, I'm a little afraid to describe Riza Hawkeye as a "chick."

What do these two ladies have in common?

Outside of being drawn in Japan, I can't think of anything.

Blondes have more fun or something.

Probably not much, actually, but all my guy friends seem to think Winry is sexy for some damn reason, so let’s battle to see where my true bias lays.

Physicality. Faye Valentine is a tall, dark-haired drink of water who manages to look good in a weird yellow jumpsuit thing with these suspenders and why does she even bother wearing that red jacket if she’s not going to cover her shoulders? Winry Rockbell is tall (-er than Edward Elric), blonde and … actually, that’s all that sticks out for me. Winner? Faye Valentine.

Is a more badass chick? Faye Valentine travels through space, seeking bounties, pulling cons and shooting people with her spaceship’s laser gun. When she makes a confession of love, she does it by shooting at you, because that is how she rolls. Winry Rockbell learned how to fix automail from her Granny Pinako, and is an orphan. She has the opportunity to avenge the hell out of her parents’ death by shooting the guy who murdered them, but she doesn’t do it. While that seems markedly un-badass, you have to keep in mind that the guy was right there and could totally have killed her with his superpowers, so that takes some balls. Winner? Faye Valentine, because Winry is just so damn vanilla.

I mean for Godsakes, Winry, he's practically got a target RIGHT THERE.

Is constantly being put into danger and having to be rescued by the men in her life? Actually, this happens less than you’d expect for the whole anime/manga genre. Sure, both Faye and Winry are put into danger, especially Faye, who’s really good at getting herself into all kinds of trouble, and sometimes the guys give them a helping hand, but most of the time these ladies are handling themselves just fine. Winner? Winry, actually, because the evil homunculus conspiracy is totally using her as a hostage against our boys Al and Ed.

Has better fashion sense? Faye’s outfit sucks. There, I said it. It’s bright yellow and the jacket is useless. It’s ugly, ugly, ugly with a capital FUGLY. On the other hand, Winry usually wears a boob tube with purple pants and a bandana. Winner? Nobody. Ick. Someone get these ladies to an outlet store, stat.

Has massive boobage? Boobage is totally a word, right? The one good point about Faye’s ugly, ugly yellow outfit is that it conforms to every curve of that woman’s rockingly-drawn body. And when I say she has massive boobage, I don’t say it lightly. Also, she spends a lot of time in outer space, so it’s not like she’s going to get saggy any time soon, if you know what I mean, and I think you do because I wasn’t exactly subtle, here. Winry is, like, 15 or 16, and thus probably not done developing. If she has massive boobage, it’s hidden under her overalls anyway. But I don’t think she does. Winner? Faye Valentine.

In fact, thank GOD for the cold vacuum of space, because otherwise she would just have the worst backaches.

Owns an interstellar space vehicle? I don’t think Winry owns a vehicle, let alone one that is capable of interstellar travel. Faye, however, has a cool space vehicle, so she wins. Winner? I just said Faye wins.

I guess I didn't realize it was called "The Redtail."

Looks pretty damn good for a lady of over 70? Faye Valentine was in a horrible space travel accident when she was young and was put into cyrogenic sleep until … I don’t know, she could be operated on or it was convenient to the plot, whatever. So, while she looks like a lovely young lass of about 23, she’s actually a wretched old woman of about 77. Winry is totally the age she is, which is teenaged. Man, I hate teenagers. Winner? Faye Valentine.

Would be more fun to take gambling? Faye Valentine is a compuslive gambler. I would go as far as to say she has a gambling addiction. That said, she seems like a lot of fun to hang around and is pretty good in a fight. I don’t know if Winry gambles. Winner? Faye Valentine, as long as you don’t lend her any of your money for your fun night out.

Plus, she cleans up pretty good, am I right, guys?

Hangs out with Spike Spiegel? Faye Valentine is the lucky woman who gets to hang out with Spike Spiegel and not get murdered to hell by the interstellar Mafia.

Julia? Not so lucky.

 The sad news for her is that she’s really poor at expressing her love, so she and Spike never hook up. Winry lives in the Fullmetal Alchemist universe, which, while cool enough, is not populated by the likes of Spike Spiegel. Thus, she loses this category. Winner? Faye.

Look at this their backs are touching omigod bonus points for this pose squee!

Now you’ll have a category saying “hangs out with Edward Elric,” right? Actually, I won’t, because there’s just no comparison between Spike Spiegel and Edward Elric. It’s like a wolf fighting a gnat, you know?

I'm not saying Edward's not as cute as a button, because he is. He's just no Spike Spiegel.

Also, I just don’t like that damn Winry.

Aha! Eh, I think it was pretty clear from the way I tried to stack these categories in Faye’s favor, anyway.

It’s true. Totally true.

Overall winner? Faye Valentine, because my friends can go suck.

Now THAT is a girl I'd take to the opera.

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So you think you’re dating a Hollywood movie monster: a modern teen’s guide

October 28, 2010 at 11:46 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , )

So, you’ve met this great guy. Doesn’t talk much. Shy. Basically unkillable.

A real catch, right?

But is he a Hollywood movie monster?

(Because it’s nearly Halloween, don’t you think you should assume he is?)

Anyway, here’s a list for you to find out for sure.

1. So, yeah, he’s the quiet type, but when he does talk, he mentions: a) revenge; b) his preternatural disposition towards evil; c) “arrrghhhh.”

If it’s a), you might be dating Freddy Krueger. Or that guy in the movies whose sensei was wronged or parents were murdered. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers or possibly Jersey Shore’s The Situation (because I can’t make enough Jersey Shore jokes, that’s why!). If it’s c), you  could be dating Jason. Or Michael Myers. I actually can’t remember if either of them could speak at all. (Could be a zombie, though.)

This was the only picture of this asshole I could find where he's at least mostly wearing a shirt.

2. Your boyfriend has a unique sense of style. He’s always wearing: a) a striped sweater and tekagi; b) a potato sack or something; c) a hockey mask.

If it’s a), your boyfriend’s wardrobe bears a striking resemblance to Freddy Krueger’s. Either that, or he’s the world’s worst-dressed ninja. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers, because what the hell is that thing he’s wearing? If it’s c), you’re probably dating a hockey player. Or Jason. It could be Jason.

Tekagi: because neko-te are for girls.

3. You and your boyfriend haven’t been intimate because: a), b) and c) the slutty teens always die.

But does it count if you’re getting busy with the killer of said slutty teens? The jury is still out on this one.

I've never even seen this film, but I can tell you without a doubt that the teens in the front on the left (our left, not theirs) are total killer bait.

4. When you go on a date with your boyfriend, he’s likely to take you to: a) the place where he was murdered by the neighborhood parents; b) Jamie Lee Curtis’s house; c) a creepy summer camp.

If you chose a), you’ve got to ask yourself a couple of things, most importantly being: why are you dating a dead guy? (You can sort out the other questions on your own.) If it’s b), you might be dating Michael Myers, or just a guy who’s realllly into Jamie Lee Curtis. If it’s c), you’re either dating Jason or someone who got suckered into being a camp counselor instead of getting a real job.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking Jamie Lee Curtis a little too much.

5. The word that best describes your boyfriend is: a) slashy; b) stabby; or c) murderous-y.

If you chose c), I’ll just have you know that it totally is a word because I have used it before.

6. Sometimes you think your boyfriend is dead, but: a) he always get resurrected in dreams; b) that’s silly because he can’t be killed; c) it turns out you were actually dating his mother!

It the answer is a), you are probably dating Freddy Krueger, because I can’t think of a single other Hollywood movie monster that would apply to. Unless there’s one in some weird Japanese film or something, I don’t know. If the answer is b), it could be Michael Myers, or it could be Spike Spiegel, if you’re dating him before the last episode of Cowboy Bebop. If it’s c), it’s definitely not Norman Bates, because then you would think mostly the opposite.

Normie, it's you? I thought I was dating your mother all along!

What? You thought I wouldn't slip in an image of Spike Spiegel?

7. Your boyfriend can only be defeated by: a) ceasing to fear him and causing him to manifest in the physical world; b) nothing, because he’s Michael Myers; c) crippling mommy issues.

Why would you want to defeat your boyfriend? What kind of relationship do you have, anyway?

8. Your friends don’t like your boyfriend because: a), b) and c) he keeps murdering them. Also, his breath.

That covers any of these guys. But what does peer pressure mean to you? You’re in love!

Iconic representations: handy!

9. Your boyfriend’s idea of a good time is: a) stalking teens in their dreams and killing them; b) stalking teens in their houses and killing them; or c) stalking teens at summer camp and killing them.

He sounds like fun.

Nothing funner 'n killing teens!

10. And, finally, you know you’re dating a Hollywood movie monster when: a), b) and c) he stars in a remake. Possibly by Rob Zombie, and almost certainly featuring Jackie Earle Haley.

There is no doubt about it. You are dating a Hollywood movie monster.

I love you, Mr. Haley!

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Things I can’t compete with

April 6, 2010 at 11:15 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

When fabulous poet/wit Dorothy Parker feared her husband Alan Campbell was having a homosexual affair, she was quoted as saying: “I can compete with the girls, you know, but not with the boys.”

She had a point.

Thus, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of 10 things that I can’t compete with:

1. Ziyi Zhang. Put me up against the talented Chinese actress and, for some reason, I always come up lacking.

But so does everyone! I mean, look at her!

2. The boys. Again, Ms. Parker had a point here. It’s hard to compete against the boys when the boys have bits that the girls don’t.

Also, they're so PRETTY nowadays.

3. Your body pillow girlfriend/wife. There are many things body pillows can do that I can’t, and one of those things includes tolerating someone who would marry a body pillow.

Tolerate? Actually, I would have a hard time not punching you in the throat. Enjoy your body pillow.

4. Cylons. Cylons look like Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. I don’t so much.

Lucy Lawless is also more awesome than I am.

5. Your awesome CIA girlfriend. In every category, I come up short when compared to your awesome CIA girlfriend.

For instance, my hair NEVER looks this good when I'm in a gun fight.

6. That anime character you have a crush on. It’s true. I don’t have perky anime boobs, and I’m not charmingly clumsy, so when I fall, I don’t land with my lacy panties slightly exposed, I end up scraping most of the skin off my face and bleeding all over.

Of course, you will always come in second to Spike Spiegel, so we have that in common, anyway.

7. Dorothy Parker. She was witty, she wrote great poetry and short stories, and she could hold her liquor waaaaaay better than I can. She could also come up with witty retorts on the spot, and I just can’t do that.

I'm the poor man's Dorothy Parker! The really, really, really, REALLY poor man's Dorothy Parker!

8. Your ex, Julia. I just can’t wear a full-body leather suit with that panache. I wish I could, but I can’t.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I. Sweat.

9. Lady superheroes. I was just going to say “superheroes,” but I specifically mean the ones who keep their superhero costumes up with a bit of spirit gum and luck.

Also, gravity isn't an issue for superheroes.

10. Your 1985 Crown Victoria. I can’t compete with a car like that. I won’t even try.

Pictured here: something that is better than me in every way.

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A love letter to Spike Spiegel

February 5, 2010 at 12:40 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

Hi, Mr. Spiegel. I just wanted to let you know that if things don’t work out between myself and Elijah Snow that I am totally and utterly willing to wed you. (It’s not that I don’t think that things will work out between me and my boy Elijah, it’s just that the whole fictional character thing.)

It’s not that I think you’re second best, by the way. I think you’re great. I mean, the way you get shot and stabbed and exploded and don’t die? That’s awesome. The way you fly through outer space (occasionally) nabbing bad guys for bounty money? Also awesome. Your knowledge of Jeet Kune Do, which I can’t actually spell and have to google? So incredibly awesome. Your hair? Holy cow awesome!!

SUCH awesome hair.

What’s much less awesome, though, is the way you just can’t get over your ex.

It's kind of hard to blame you, though. Damn.

That’s just … that’s gonna be tough for us to work around. But I think we can do it, Spike Spiegel! I think we can.

Here’s why: I have incredibly low self-esteem.

You could compare me to Julia, like, constantly, and I would just sit quietly and nod and think to myself, yes, I deserve that, because I’m not as awesome as Julia and we all know it. Like, do I look that good in full body leather? No! Because I sweat! I sweat and I’m disgusting. I’m so lucky that Spike Spiegel even talks to me when Julia is so much better.

But please don't even start comparing me to Faye Valentine, because I'm not sure I could handle that.

See? See how well things would work out?

Not to mention, I’m perfectly willing to sit quietly on Mars or wherever, waiting for you. And if you ask me to quietly assassinate a few interstellar Mafia members while I’m waiting, well, who am I to say no? Who am I? Well, not someone who hasn’t dreamed of quietly assassinating a few interstellar Mafia members for my whole life, that’s who I’m not. Wait, did that make sense? What I’m saying, Spike Spiegel, is that I’m perfectly willing to kill a few low-ranking interstellar Mafia members for you, if that is what you ask of me as your bride. (I’m assuming you want me to leave the high-ranking interstellar Mafia members for you, Spike Spiegel, because that is how you roll.)

But you'd have no problem with me killing his pet bird, right? Because I would totally murder the hell out of that bird for your love.

(I hope people still say “how you roll” or Spike is going to think I’m so lame.)

Also, Spike Spiegel, and I think this is my winning argument here: I can cook up a great dish on a budget. Instant rice and bell peppers? That’s right, baby, you’ve got bell pepper and beef (without the beef). I have a variety of seasonings on hand, so you’d never be able to tell. This, and I don’t think I have to tell you, Spike Spiegel, would come in really handy as you usually don’t nab the criminals and don’t get a bounty and you’re kind of starving to death in outer space.

Actually, and I don't want to come across as a braggart, but bell pepper and beef is a specialty of mine, Spike Spiegel.

I wouldn’t let that happen, Spike Spiegel.

I mean, you're already so thin! We've got to fatten you up, boy!

Please consider my proposal.

Unless you're the Keanu Reeves incarnation of Spike Spiegel, in which case, go to hell.

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