Goddamn this year
Okay, so it’s not bad enough that 2016 took David Bowie and Prince and Muhammad Ali and George Michael and a bunch of other awesome people, in addition to giving us President-Elect Trump (seriously, 2016, you’re a bastard). But now it had to take CARRIE FISHER?
CARRIE FISHER?
Princess Leia?
Damn all of this. Carrie Fisher, you were a beautiful and funny lady, and you will be missed so much.
I salute you, General Leia.
Han and Leia sitting in a tree
Yeah, so, apparently Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher had a torrid affair during the filming of Star Wars, which would be cool, because, like, wow! Han and Leia were really in love, that’s great, but it’s not cool because Harrison Ford was totally married and Carrie Fisher was totally only 19, and now one of my favorite movie romances is ruined!
I usually go *sighhhhh* over this image, but now I kind of go *ewwwww*.
Thank God I have my other favorite movie romance to fall back on.
Please don’t ruin this for me, guys.
Announcing the new Han Solo, like I care
So Disney has cast Alden Ehrenreich to play young Han Solo, like anyone cares who they cast to play young Han Solo if they didn’t bother to invent a time machine and bring a confused (but game!) young Harrison Ford to the future.
“Time travel?” he’d say. “Sure, I can work with that.”
So you think you’re dating a princess: A modern teen’s guide
Real princesses are boring, unless you’re into the monarchy, I guess. But fictional princesses are awesome! Especially Adventure Time princesses, because they have princesses for everything! Anyway, you might be dating a fictional princess! Let’s find out, shall we?
Here’s a list of princesses you could possibly be dating:
1. Princess Leia. Princess Leia is the best princess of all, because she is an outer space princess. Unfortunately for you, unless you’re Han Solo, you’re not dating her.
*Sighhhhhhhh*
2. Princess Bubblegum. Princess Bubblegum is pretty cool, if you’re into despots and whatever. Also 1000-year-old ladies.
“You only WISH you’ll look this good when YOU’RE 1000 years old.”
3. Lumpy Space Princess. The best thing about Lumpy Space Princess is that she floats, and is purple. The worst thing about Lumpy Space Princess is everything else, but especially her terrible, terrible personality.
She’s like everything you hate about teenagers, with floating and purpleness.
4. Snow White. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a glass coffin, Snow White’s your girl.
“My interests are cleaning, singing about true love, being cheerful in the face of adversity and being as two-dimensional as possible.”
5. Sleeping Beauty. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a castle surrounded by thorns (which I’m not quite sure how you managed to do), then you’re dating Sleeping Beauty.
Also, stop kissing unconscious women, you creep.
6. Muscle Princess. Muscle Princess is very muscular. That’s cool.
And check out those guns!
7. Cinderella. Cinderella seems like a nice girl. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.
… although I’m not sure what you’d do for fun or anything.
8. Breakfast Princess. Breakfast Princess (I assume) lives in the Breakfast Kingdom, where you shall never have to eat another bowl of cold, soggy cereal again. As God is my witness!
I’ll bet she smells like bacon and French toast, and I wonder if she’s seeing anyone….
9. Slime Princess. Slime Princess is a princess of slime. There’s really not much else to say about her.
OK, fine, and she is superfreakingadorablesocute, awwww.
10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman is an Amazon Princess! She might actually be cooler than Princess Leia, except she doesn’t have a laser gun. But she doesn’t need a laser gun, because she has super powers! But laser guns are really cool.
Ooh, but swords are cool too. Wonder Woman is so cool.
Anyway, there you have it! A list of fictional princesses you could be dating, maybe! I hope you crazy kids work it out.
So you think you’re dating a Jedi Master: A modern teen’s guide
Lately, you’ve been seeing someone. He’s pretty spiritual, talking about this “Force” that flows through all living things. He even claims to be a master of this “Force.”
You know what that means! You’re dating a Jedi Master, probably.
Here’s a handy guide to make certain your boyfriend is a really, truly legit Jedi Master.
You’re welcome.
1. Your boyfriend has a shag haircut and once kissed his twin sister. Congratulations! You’re dating Young Luke Skywalker! He is truly a Jedi master.
He’s no Han Solo, though.
2. Your boyfriend is a loner who hangs out in swamps and talks backwardly. Good news, everyone! You’re dating Yoda, a Jedi master among Jedi masters.
“Double-dutch at the movies, we will.”
3. Your boyfriend belongs to the church of Jediism. The bad news for you is he’s not a Jedi master. The good news is you can tell your mother he attends church regularly.
“Oh, Mom, they’ve been passing out lightsabers at OUR church too.”
4. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Hey, good for you! You’re dating Obi-Wan Kenobi!
I was going to make a “These are not the droids you are looking for” joke here, but then I realized it wouldn’t work with the whole “dating a Jedi” theme, and then I ended up with my longest photo caption ever.
5. Your boyfriend wears a hooded robe and is a hermit. Or you’re dating Old Luke Skywalker.
“Jeez, lady, I’m not THAT old.”
6. Your boyfriend force-chokes his stupid enemies, and looks good in black. Technically, your boyfriend is a Sith Lord, but I’m going to call it close enough. You’re dating Darth Vader!
“(Insert Your Name Here), I am your boyfriend.”
7. Your boyfriend looks like Samuel L. Jackson. Excellent! You’re dating the Jedi that Samuel L. Jackson played in those movies that don’t exist.
Oooh! Snazzy purple lightsaber!
8. Your boyfriend is a whiny baby who throws temper tantrums and is a dirty patricide. Spoiler alert! You’re dating Kylo Ren.
Stupid Kylo Ren. Just so stupid. Hate you.
9. Your boyfriend would turn the galaxy upside down if someone kidnapped his daughter. Yea! You’re dating either Qui-Gon Jinn or Liam Neeson in Taken (and Taken 2).
“Even I can’t tell the difference anymore.”
10. Your boyfriend is a pretty lady. Holy Mary Sues, Batman! You’re dating Rey, who is a super-powerful Jedi despite having neither training nor any knowledge of the Force prior to it awakening within her!
Your boyfriend is really pretty.
So there you have it! You’re definitely dating one of the guys who goes to a Jedi Church, because the rest of them are made up.
Sherlock Holmes vs. Han Solo
In this corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
In the other corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
OH GOD WHO WILL WIN????
Onward to the battle!
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be handsome, but lately he’s been played by these attractive actors, like Basil Rathbone (lately?) and Benedict Cumberbatch. Han Solo, on the other hand, looks like Harrison Ford. Winner? Han Solo. Because he looks like Harrison Ford.
When I say “I love you” to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: “I know.”
Better sidekick? Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick is the ever-faithful, ever-ignoring-his-clients Dr. John Watson. Han Solo’s sidekick is Chewbacca the Wookiee, whom Spellchecker hates. Chewie is an 8-foot-tall hair monster who rips off people’s arms when he loses at space chess. He says “Ahrrr” a lot. Winner? Han Solo, because Chewbacca is awesome.
Eh, maybe he’s only a 7’6″ hair monster.
Is an interstellar space pilot? Sherlock Holmes lives in the 19th and early 20th century, where space travel was nothing more than a mad pipe dream. Also, he didn’t even know the earth was round, so he’d probably be just terrible at space piloting anyway. Han Solo, however, is an interstellar space pilot. Winner? Han Solo.
I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.
Comes back from certain death? Sherlock Holmes was dead for 10 years after being tossed over the edge of the Reichenbach Falls (spoiler alert: he never fell). He came back. Han Solo? … Not so much. Winner? Sherlock Holmes, because suck it, death.
“Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me.”
Doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? You know who has a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, that’s who. Also, her baby daddy, Han Solo. You know who doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Sherlock Holmes. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.
Solves more crimes? Han Solo is a smuggler. A smuggler in space! He is definitely not solving any crimes. Committing them, sure. Solving them, not so much. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective, the likes of which the world has never seen. He solves crimes like *insert cliche here*. He is a crime-solving machine. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
“I certainly do enjoy solving crimes.”
Has a cooler love interest? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t like ladies, or love, or anything except John Watson and cocaine and solving crimes. Han Solo fell for the ultra-badass Princess Leia, who is now a badass general. She is the coolest. Winner? Han Solo.
*Sighhhhhhh*
Has a light saber? Haaah, this is a trick question. Luke Skywalker has a light saber. Han Solo just has a laser gun. Winner? Nobody.
“‘Just’ a laser gun? Really?”
Wears a more iconic costume? True story: When I was in college, I dated a guy who idolized Han Solo , and wore cowboy boots and vests for years of his childhood in an effort to match his hero’s unique style of dress. That’s pretty iconic! Also, a really lame anecdote. But Sherlock Holmes has the deerstalker cap and cape! Winner? It’s a tie.
An iconic tie.
Is winning this fictional character battle? Han Solo, barely.
“Barely’s still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely’s still winning.”
Is that a surprise? Well, Sherlock Holmes always wins these things. But Han Solo is Han Solo, you know?
So he’s going to come out ahead? … Maybe?
Overall winner? I know this is going to be hard to believe, fellow Holmesians, but … Han Solo. Han Solo is the overall winner. I … think I might cry.
I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now.
Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!
Poe Dameron = Princess Leia
This weekend, I was discussing the new Star Wars film with one of my IRL friends (hi, Jamin!) and I neglected to mention my belief that Poe Dameron is Princess Leia.
“But Princess Leia doesn’t pilot a ship! She’s a GENERAL!”
I know, I know — he’s a spaceship pilot and a rogue, so you’d think he’s Han Solo, right? But hear me out!
1) He sends a droid on a mission to save the galaxy
“I’d do anything you say, Poe Dameron. Anything.”
2) He gets captured by the enemy
3) He gets tortured by Darth Vader Lite (TM)
“Please stop calling me that. Just ’cause I never Force-choke anyone, jeez.”
4) He escapes with the help of someone dressed as a stormtrooper
“Aren’t you a little short to be a –“
“I am as God made me.”
5) He is the prettiest one
Soooooo pretty.
So you see? Poe Dameron is Princess Leia.
And Princess Leia is a badass.
A Star Wars review for realsies this time
As you’re aware, I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens this weekend. Here are my thoughts, other than “It sucks that Wedge, my second-favorite character, wasn’t in it.”
First off, did you see the new hotshot pilot Poe Dameron? And also the evil General Hux? They were, like, soooo handsome, and I didn’t even realize they were both in Ex Machina, which I also saw and didn’t think either of them were all that good-looking in it, so some kudos are deserved either by the makeup artists of Star Wars (for making them so pretty) or the makeup artists of Ex Machina (for making them so not).
He’s no Wedge, but I guess he’ll do.
Also: *dreamy sighhhhhh*
Secondly, and horrifyingly, did you notice that the two main characters WERE BOTH BORN IN 1992?! Are they even old enough to drive, let alone fly interstellar spaceships? Also, how freaking old am I?
Get off my lawn, you young Jedi Knights!
Thirdly, did anyone else SQUEEEEE when the Millennium Falcon showed up? And then again when Han and Chewie showed up? And then a third time when Princess/General Leia appeared on the screen? And then you didn’t get to squee because Wedge Antilles never showed up, and I think the movie could only have been improved if all the characters went around saying “Where is Wedge?” whenever he wasn’t on screen.
I missed you guys SO MUCH while you were gone!
And what was up with cut-rate Darth Vader taking off his mask and showing off his ugly mug all the time? Doesn’t he realize he’s SO MUCH MORE INTIMIDATING with his mask on?
I mean, not THAT intimidating, but more intimidating than his damn face.
Plus, was anyone else disappointed that they went to the trouble of casting the beautiful Lupita Nyong’o and then had her play a Yoda-esque goggle monster?
GAHHHHHHHHHH.
Anyway, the action sequences were great, the special effects were good, and there were some funny bits, and then something so damned tragic happened, and I’d say I cried like a little girl, but I brought my daughter to the movie with me and she didn’t cry at all.
And then I cried some more, because I’ve raised The Bad Seed.
So, yes, the new Star Wars was a good movie and I liked it, except for that one part, and I never want to see it again.
Damn you for making me cry like that, J.J. Abrams.
Spoilers ahead: I saw the new Star Wars
I just got back from seeing the new Star Wars movie, and I just want to say how much I appreciate everyone who kept the spoilers from me. I mean, knowing that the worst thing possible happens in advance would have ruined the movie for me.
That would suck, right? If someone gave things away and spoiled the movie for you?
I mean: WHERE WAS WEDGE ANTILLES?
Maybe he retired to a nice little corner of the universe to herd nerfs?
What the hell? They got everybody else back, but not Denis Lawson?!
Please sign my petition below so J.J. Abrams can know just how unhappy we are.
‘Splosions galore: I finally saw Fury Road
A holiday tradition of mine is to wrap presents while watching a movie while my daughter is at her dad’s house. For several years, it was Returner, and then it was Hot Fuzz, and this year it was Mad Max: Fury Road, and my presents look just terrible because it was SO EXCITING.
During this part, I might or might not have peed my pants a little, it was so exciting.
I mean there were explosions here and explosions there and THE WORLD’S LONGEST CAR CHASE and character development, which was weird, because why would you even need character development with ALL THE SHOOTING GOING ON? Also, there was some sort of Truck of Rock Music that was powered by guitar riffs, which was AWESOME, and people fighting on swaying poles, and CHARLIZE THERON IS A GODDESS AND I LOVE HER.
Tom Hardy continues to do nothing for me, though, I’m sorry.
Anyway, it was really awesome, I and regret not going to see it in the theaters, but I will be seeing the new Star Wars some time after Christmas, and you can read all about my impressions here, but it’ll probably just be SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, because, yea! New Star Wars movie!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Hollywood Hates Me 