Dear Yakuza with Glasses (a character in one of the best films ever, Versus),
I love you.
Sure, you’re probably dating Yakuza Leader with Butterfly Knife, but I think you need to drop him and consider dating/wedding me instead.
There are many reasons why, such as: I won’t encourage you to engage in plots against our evil, immortal boss that will end with you getting your heart ripped out, turned into a zombie, and then cut up by Tak Sakaguchi. Because that’s not what I want for you, Yakuza with Glasses.
What I want for you is to shoot more zombies in a completely deadpan way, like when that one guy lifts you up by the throat and you just casually reach for your gun and shoot him till he drops you. Or when you’re attacked by two zombies with guns and you move out of the way right in time and then they shoot each other and you wipe off your glasses because there’s blood all over them.
Basically, Yakuza with Glasses, I want you to be surrounded by zombies all the time.
Because it’s hot.
Remember Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? I know the part you’re remembering right now is the part where they rip that guy’s heart out before sending him into a pit of fire, but I want you to think harder, and remember Indy’s sidekick.
That’s right. Shortround.
Unless you remember Goonies, which I obviously don’t, or I’d’ve remembered that one Hobbit being in it, that was the last time you saw Jonathan Ke Quan on the big screen.
So what has he been doing since then? And what was he doing prior to then?
Ke Huy-Quan was born in 1971 in Vietnam, and speaks fluent English, Vietnamese, Mandarin and Cantonese, which is four more languages than most Internet users are fluent in, ha-ha, zing. Anyway, his family was selected for political asylum in the United States when he was young, which is already pretty lucky, but then he gets to star in a movie with a young Harrison Ford? I mean, no wonder he hasn’t done much acting since then. How could he improve on that, you know?
So Jonathan Ke Quan’s career began with The Temple of Doom in 1984, continued with The Goonies in 1985, and then went into hibernation mode as he starred in a TV series I’ve never heard of from 1986 to ’87, called “Together We Stand,” which is described as a “formulaic, inoffensive couple-with-kids sitcom.” Apparently, it was originally conceived as a Brady Bunch spin-off, so I already hate it.
He then had a part in a Japanese movie that even IMDB isn’t sure it’s heard of, and then was on another sitcom in the early ’90s, Head of the Class. (It starred that guy from WKRP in Cincinnati, remember?) (And now you know: yes, I am much, much older than you.)
He had a few more roles after that, most recently in Second Time Around, which is a time-travel drama about gambling. That was in 2002.
So what the hell’s he been doing for the last eight years? Does Harrison write?
Well, it turns out that, like my hero Tak Sakaguchi, Jonathan Ke Quan went on to become a stunt choreographer! Maybe he and Tak Sakaguchi are friends. That would be so awesome.
Ke Quan worked on stunt choreography in X-Men and The One, that Jet Li movie I watched because it had Jet Li in it. Actually, it had multiple Jet Lis in it because it was some sort of multiverse story. So we got to see Jet Li fighting Jet Li! I can’t believe I didn’t go blind from the power of the awesome.
And, um, those movies came out a long time ago, but that’s the most recent information the Internet has on Ke Quan, so I hope things are going OK for him now.
Dear Prisoner KSC2-303,
I know it seems like I’m just proposing to every awesome fictional character willy-nilly, but I just want you to know that I have a true and abiding love for you that is as deep as any love that a fangirl could have for a character played by Tak Sakaguchi.
It’s, like, deep.
First off, I really admire the way you escaped from those police through a series of circumstances that led to a slightly oblique Evil Dead 2 reference. I mean, anything that leads to an Evil Dead 2 reference automatically fills me with a floaty feeling, like when you wake up and there’s a bunny in your bed and it’s wearing one of those miniature top hats.
(I think everyone should wake up like that, Prisoner KSC2-303.)
Plus, you have to deal with yakuza and zombies and then zombie yakuza, and they have guns, because, Prisoner KSC2-303, you star in one of the best zombie films ever, and I love you.
(It’s a deep love, and also a pure and abiding one.)
And I realize that you already have a love that has crossed the boundaries of time and space, but I just want you to know: that girl is just too wholesome for you.
I mean, sure, she’s cute and her blood has magical properties or something (that’s the part of the plot I always find a little hard to follow, Prisoner KSC2-303, because what does magical blood have to do with zombies with guns?), but she’s, like, the lawful good to your chaotic evil.
(Your chaotic evil-ness is part of what charms me, dear Prisoner KSC2-303.)
(Well, that and the way you look exactly like Tak Sakaguchi.)
Anyway, my point here, Prisoner KSC2-303, is that you deserve a girl who doesn’t have magical blood or, indeed, morals.
That girl is me.
(Because believe me, if there’s one thing my blood is not, is magical.)
(And if there’s one thing my morals are not, it’s existent.)
Think about it, Prisoner KSC2-303. We could fight evil together or be evil together. I don’t really mind which one. As long as I get to shoot some zombies in the brains at your side, I will be happy.
(You can’t imagine how happy, Prisoner KSC2-303. Happier than when you wake up and there’s a bunny in a miniature top hat and it’s doing a tap dance.)
So please consider me to be your partner in evil, or good, or whichever side you’re working nowadays.
Also, could I borrow your sword?
I love you.
Because you are getting two Top Ten lists in a day! Possibly more, if you went to some other blog and read one of their top 10 lists, but why would you do that?
Now, Hollywood might hate me (and does, as evidenced by consistently putting Keanu Reeves in films that might not have otherwise sucked), but Japan is still my friend.
I know this because of Alien vs. Ninja. God bless you, Japan. God bless your tentacle-loving hearts.
The basic plot of Alien vs. Ninja is that aliens land and are fought by Iga Ninja, the best ninja of all (go to hell, Kouga ninja!). Why, yes, I am a shinobi otaku and have several books on the subject, why do you … ? Oh, you were asking sarcastically. I get it. I do! I get it.
At any rate, what could be better than ninja (especially Iga ninja) fighting aliens?
Only about ten things, that’s what! (But, really, only marginally better, because, damn! Alien vs. Ninja!)
1. Zombies vs. Ninja. Yes, I had to. You knew it was coming, so isn’t it best I got it out of the way right off the bat?
2. Androids vs. Ninja. Y’all do know a picture of the hot cylon Samuel Anders will be used to illustrate this point, don’t you?
3. Zombies vs. Ninja androids. I’m just sayin’, someone needs to build a ninja android. They could call it “The Stealthbot.” Or perhaps something less lame, I don’t know.
4. Kouga Ninja vs. Iga Ninja. Oops, they already did that. It was called “Basilisk.” (Or the Kouga Ninja Scrolls, if you’re talking the novel.)
5. Vampires vs. Ninja. Especially if it’s those pussy Twilight vampires, and we get to spend two hours watching ninja whale on them utterly.
6. The cast of Cowboy Bebop vs. Ninja. I don’t remember a ninja episode. There was a crazy samurai episode. There should’ve been a ninja episode.
7. Ninja Assassin vs. Ninja. Went rogue, did ya? Face your former ninja teammates in some sort of, I don’t know, death battle! Actually, this is probably the plot of Ninja Assassin. (No, I don’t know what the plot of Ninja Assassin will be. I want to see it because it is called Ninja Assassin. I don’t care what it’s about. It has a ninja who is also an assassin.)
8. Samurai vs. Ninja. There’s probably tons of movies about this, but you know what? There could be more.
9. Jet Li vs. Jackie Chan, and one of them is a ninja. Wouldn’t the just be the bestest movie ever?
10. Gunslinging android priests vs. Ninja zombies. O.M.G. Guys! What could possibly be cooler than zombies, androids and ninja in one movie? Nothing! Nothing could possibly be cooler! Best movie ever.
Since my last two posts had Madonna’s nasty arms and a scary bunny costume (Eric Elbogen is totally cute though, and I want to hug him or whatever), I figured now was about the time for a nice picture (or three).
Thus, a top ten list! It shall be … let’s see … the top ten crushworthiest actors in Lokifire’s humble opinion, which we all know isn’t that humble, otherwise she wouldn’t keep telling people about it.
2. Cillian Murphy. Cillian’s cheekbones could cut glass, and if there’s one thing we look for in men, it’s glass-cutting ability. Also, this guy can actually, you know, act, so he’s got a leg up on some of the other gents in this list, without getting too yaoi on everyone.
3. Hugh Laurie. Mr. Laurie is funny, British, tall and funny. Also, he’s one of those guys who got handsomer as he aged, which is great!
4. Jeffrey Donovan. He plays a spy on TV, and also, he is hot.
5. Tak Sakaguchi. Another actor from across the seas, who is also a stuntman, who is also one of the prettiest men I have ever seen. I have nothing but respect for Sakaguchi-sama. Except lust. I also have that.
6. Zac Efron. I know you think I’m edging into pedophilia here, and perhaps I am, but I’m pretty sure he’s at least 18, and also, he has some of the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. And such floppy hair! I just want to! Tousle! It!
7. Kenichi Matsuyama. Look! Another model turned actor! Also, he played L, who is my favorite detective ever, except for Sherlock Holmes, and we already discussed that.
8. Kyle Secor. One of my most enduring crushes. From that first moment I saw Homocide: Life on the Streets and they hadn’t made his character a murderous bisexual yet to when he showed up on Veronica Mars, I never stopped loving him. Unlike the people who ran his various fan sites, as they are all apparently defunct, and that makes me cry for the fate of all Kyle Secor lovers out there (and I don’t mean, you know, lovers lovers, or Lokifire would be the happiest girl on the planet).
10. Chuck. OK, the actor is Zachary Levi, but he always seems to have this scraggly beard when he’s not filming the show.
Since I’ve already waxed poetic about Ray Park more than once, it only seems fair to share some of the love with my favorite Japanese martial artist/actor, Tak Sakaguchi who-is-prettier-than-me.
Tak-sama (see the respect I give him?! I am full of respect for Sakaguchi-dono!!) first appeared in what is nearly a perfect movie, Versus, which I shall now list 10 reasons why it is a nearly perfect movie, and regret the structure of this sentence all the while.
1. Tak Sakaguchi was apparently discovered by director Ryuhei Kitamura as a street fighter. “Put your fists to work for me” or something close to that is what he (allegedly) said. Seriously, this story reeks of the bullshit, but I love it anyway.
2. Yakuza. Yakuza with guns and knives.
4. Zombies with guns. Shit, why didn’t anyone think of zombies with guns before?
5. I mentioned the knives and the guns, right? Well, in addition to the knife fights and gun fights, there are also scenes of martial arts mastery and a lengthy sword fight!
6. Yakuza with Glasses. When he’s being strangled by a former fellow yakuza turned zombie, he casually shoots the guy repeatedly in the chest, and when that doesn’t work, goes for the head.
7. Also, Yakuza with Glasses appears to be having an affair with this guy, which, in my opinion, makes him even more of a badass than Sakaguchi-sama himself.
8. Although Sakaguchi-sama is such a bad-ass he broke a tooth on a gun for one of his stunts.
10. Ummmm … so many pieces of awesome to choose from. Let’s just go with … ummm … the way that little idiot yakuza keeps accidentally killing his friends. Yeah, that’s great.