Yeah, so, Benedict Cumberbatch is totally engaged and all and, to celebrate, here’s a photo of an attractive celebrity.
Because I’m nothing if not fickle, that’s why.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that one of my fondest dreams shall probably never come to fruition: That of making it with a hot Asian guy.
Lest you think that liking Revenge has made me soft and not as pre-judgmental as usual, rest assured that there are three terrible, horrible, no-good bad movies that I won’t be seeing this weekend.
1. A Dolphin’s Tale.
I’ve already said I don’t particularly find Brad Pitt attractive, but even if you cast Takeshi Kaneshiro in this thing, it wouldn’t be enough to make me want to watch a movie about baseball and … statistics, I think. Ugh.
I always thought that the real evil in Twilight lay in reading the “books.” (I put the word books in quotes there because do they really count?) But now I see that the real evil is in the UTTER RUINATION OF OUR ACTION FILMS WHY WOULD ANYONE CAST TYLER LAUTNER FROM TWILIGHT IN ONE ARGHHHHHH.
Also, I’m kind of pissed, because now I can remember Tyler Lautner’s name. That knowledge probably pushed out a useful fact, like a statistic on how many baby kittens dolphins have murdered or something.
Dear Inigo Montoya,
Westley, Buttercup’s true love, is cute and all, don’t get me wrong, but he’s also that thing I said right after his name: Buttercup’s true love. Also, lately he’s been in a couple of the Saw movies, and that makes me sad.
But you, Inigo Montoya, you (as far as I know) have never been in any of the Saw movies, even though you are (were?) on some TV show I never watch (watched?).
That’s OK, though, Inigo Montoya, because you are a hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting type, and if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I love hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting types.
(Also pretty-boy Asian types, but that’s got naught to do with you, Inigo Montoya!)
Let me list the reasons I love you:
1. My name is Inigo Montoya.
2. You killed my father.
3. Prepare to die.
That is so hot, Inigo Montoya. I love a man whose filial devotion leads him to the pursuit of sword-fightery (whoo! I’m like the Shakespeare of the new millenium, all those words I make up!) and the unrelenting pursuit of revenge. I’m all for revenge, Inigo Montoya, and I even have a list of those who have wronged me from grade school on up, if you find yourself bored with the (movie!) pirate life.
(Seriously, it’s a long list.)
(I never forget a slight, people!)
Anyway, Inigo Montoya, if you’re looking for a vengeance-filled relationship, I am your gal. Also, if you’re not looking for that, and you just want to show off your fencing skills, I, too, am that gal. If you want a gal who still uses the word gal — that’s right, bub: I’m your gal.
We could be so revengeful together.
It would be beautiful.
Do you have a first name? Is Miyamoto your first name? Because it sounds like a last name to me, but what do I know, I’m not Japanese. I guess that could have been two sentences, but it’s too late for regrets (or editing) now!
Why is it too late?
Because, Miyamoto, I love you.
I know this seems sudden, because you hardly know me — actually, you don’t know me at all because of the whole stupid boundary between fiction and reality — but I feel like I’ve known you all my life. Or at least since 2005, when I got your movie on DVD. It was one of those movies with time travel, and aliens and slow-motion fight sequences and explosions and, most importantly of all, Takeshi Kaneshiro, who played you: Miyamoto. Also, he wore leather and sunglasses a lot, and that was awesome.
I mean, it was like the director of the movie looked into my soul and my soul said, “Thank you so, so, so much for casting Takeshi Kaneshiro in an action movie with time travel and aliens and he shoots people a lot while he’s wearing leather and sunglasses.”
(My soul is the grateful sort.)
So there you were, Miyamoto, looking exactly like Takeshi Kaneshiro and shooting bad guys and saving the world like no one’s business. (I forgot what I was actually going to say there, and kind of blankly stared at the computer screen for a moment, so “no one’s business” it is.) And wearing leather and sunglasses, because damn.
And, since you gave up the life of an assassin or whatever the hell you were (hired gun?) at the end of the movie, and didn’t get shot to death thanks to the power of time travel!, and the female character was too young to play your love interest, I thought that maybe we could get together or something. You know, for “until death do us part” and all that.
Please wear leather to the wedding.
Or Armani. Armani is also fine.
So recently, I saw that Disney was going to cast Amanda Seyfried as Cinderella, and I was like, “That’s perfect! She’d be great as the princess turned ass-kicking spy for the fables!” And then I realized it was for a Disney movie and not a Fables movie, and that’s when I remembered again how much I hate Disney.
So, to cheer myself up, I am making a list of my dream cast for a Fables movie, or TV show, or play, whatever.
(For those of you who don’t know what Fables is, please check out the excellent comic book by Bill Willingham stat, it is so good, I mean it.)
1. Getting it out of the way: Amanda Seyfried as Cinderella. I think this role perfectly encapsulates my dream of Amanda Seyfried roles. It’s got the princess thing that Hollywood insists on putting her into, and it’s got the ass-kickery that I want for her.
2. Ron Perlman as Beast. OK, for one, the guy’s already played Beauty’s Beast, so there’s that. For another, I was thinking of casting him as Bigby, but then I thought he just didn’t quite fit my image of Bigby, and then I thought, “duh, Beast!” So there you go.
3. Grace Park as Snow White. She’s so pretty, and she kicks ass 12 ways from Sunday. (I don’t know if that’s a saying, but I’m going to pretend it is.)
4. Cillian Murphy as Prince Charming. Mostly for the cheekbones, but also for those insanely blue eyes.
5. Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Bigby Wolf. He’s grizzled yet sexy, and I think he and Grace Park would make a really cute couple.
6. Zac Efron as Pinnochio. Mostly because he’s really short, but also because I think this boy potentially has some acting chops now that he’s breaking away from Disney. I could be wrong, though, or distracted by his blue, blue eyes. (I guess I have a weakness for blue eyes.)
7. Tricia Helfer as Briar Rose/Sleeping Beauty. Unfortunately, Sleeping Beauty doesn’t get to kick much ass, but she does get to sleep a lot, and I think Tricia Helfer deserves a break because she guest stars in everything. Mostly, though, it’s because she is just so gorgeous.
8. Takeshi Kaneshiro as Mowgli. I know he’s the wrong race, but it just doesn’t seem right to me to have a dream cast and not include Takeshi Kaneshiro as the guy who’s shirtless a lot.
9. Ian McKellen as Gepetto. I just think Ian McKellan is awesome, and I think he could handle both aspects of Gepetto’s personality: the kindly old father figure and the SPOILER ALERT. (I’m actually not even going to spoil this, because you should really read the books. Although, I guess by implying it’s something cool, I am kind of spoiling it, but not totally.)
10. Maggie Smith as Frau Totenkinder. I love Maggie Smith. There’s something so inherently bitchy about her characters. I think she could make the switch to witch easily. (Yeah, I rhymed that on purpose. Yeah, I hate myself a little.)
To bring you this breaking Top Ten list.
Because somebody read one of my “Keanu Reeves sucks” posts and said this:
“Keanu is part Chinese, and Asians are generally known for their unexpressiveness when compared to their Caucasian counterparts. Keanu has a lot of fans in Asia, and here there are far fewer jibes at his lack of expression than I see in Western magazines and websites.”
Because apparently, Asian people’s faces are genetically programmed to be less expressive than their “Caucasian counterparts.” I mean, that’s what this person is saying, right? Because if they mean it’s a cultural thing, then KEANU REEVES STILL HAS NO EXCUSE BECAUSE HE IS FROM AMERICA.
Here’s a list of actors that proves this theory is a pile of steaming poo. (Much like Keanu’s attempts to act, Christ!)
1. Takeshi Kaneshiro. Takeshi Kaneshiro is the anti-Keanu. He’s just as good-looking, but he’s not a boring plank of wood. Also, he can speak, like, two dozen languages, and Keanu has trouble with one.
2. Jet Li. Jet Li has it all: mad kung fu skillz, good looks and the ability to out-act most actors in Hollywood.
3. Ziyi Zhang. Is also gorgeous, slick with the kung fu and dancing, and ooooh, she can act in English and Chinese.
4. Jackie Chan. I love Jackie Chan so much! (Not the way his career is going as he reaches his golden years. You deserve so much better, Jackie!) Despite being inspired by “The Great Stone Face,” Buster Keaton, Jackie Chan is anything but unexpressive.
5. Kenichi Matsuyama. Kenichi is a very pretty man who happens to be able to act.
6. Michelle Yeoh. Yes, I watch a lot of movies where people are ass-kicking action heroes. Michelle Yeoh is one of the ass-kickingest of all. She’s beautiful and ACTS.
7. Chow Yun Fat. This is a guy I always think of as being able to whip out the complete works of The Bard on command. He’s just so classy! And talented.
8. Tatsuya Fujiwara. My misgivings about the shape of his head aside, this guy did a great job portraying Light Yagami in the Death Note movies.
9. Sandra Oh. I have the opportunity to mention Last Night a second time on this blog! What a great film! What a great performance! It’s such a shame that Sandra Oh needs a steady paycheck, or perhaps she wouldn’t be stuck on Grey’s Anatomy.
10. Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita. We can’t omit the greatest. From Karate Kid to M*A*S*H, Morita bought a sensitivity to each role that Keanu Reeves could never, ever, EVER in his wildest dreams attempt to emulate.
Valentine’s week continues! And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s watching romantic movies. Also dramas. Actually, anything where something doesn’t blow up or get attacked by zombies occasionally. Or ninja. Attacked by ninja is also good.
So instead of a list of great romantic movies, I’m making a list of movies that aren’t romances, but have romance, but when you think about it, maybe they’re not so romantic after all.
1. The Terminator.
Why it’s romantic: John Connor sends his father back from the future to meet his mother, protect her from the big bad Terminator and also woo her. It’s a beautiful love story!
Oh, but wait: But the only reason John Connor did all that was so that he could be born and fight the machines in the future. Not so much to contribute to his mother’s great romance. It’s actually much less romantic and much more clinical, if you think about it.
Why it’s romantic: After Takeshi Kaneshiro and the time-traveling girl save the world, she comes back in time once more to save his life. There’s a tender goodbye scene when she goes back to her own time and even a transformation bit, where she looks cute in a skirt and new haircut.
Oh, but wait: Errr, the time traveling girl is probably 15 or so, and there’s never any actual overt romance shown between them, only a friendship. So, while it sounds like it borders on the nasty, it’s all completely innocent. I assume.
3. 12 Monkeys (I swear, this is the last entry in the time travel genre)
Why it’s romantic: Bruce Willis convinces Madeleine Stowe that he is a time traveler and that the future of the world is in jeopardy! Also, they fall in love.
Oh, but wait: Really, it sounds more like a rampant case of Stockholm Syndrome at work here. I mean, Bruce Willis just keeps kidnapping Madeleine Stowe. Also, he basically got her stuck in a time loop where she will keep witnessing his death. Also, he’s stuck in that time loop, where he witnesses his own death as a child. That’s not romantic at all, actually.
4. Death Note
Why it’s romantic: High school student Light Yagami’s girlfriend is kidnapped by Naomi Misora, who holds the girl hostage to prove that Light Yagami is the supernatural serial killer Kira. Light Yagami goes to save his girlfriend and prove his own innocence, and his girlfriend breaks free and runs to him. Naomi fires a wild shot, which Light’s girlfriend throws herself in front of to protect Light, and then dies in his arms, just as every teenage girl ever has dreamed of doing.
Oh, but wait: Actually, Light Yagami is the supernatural serial killer Kira, possessor of the Death Note, in which he wrote that his girlfriend would be struck and killed by a bullet at that exact time. So, she not only didn’t save his life, she was murdered by him. That’s, um, well, really goddamned evil.
5. X-Men 3
Why it’s romantic: With Cyclops out of the way, the romance between Jean Grey and Wolverine is free to bloom! And bloom it does, until she turns evil, and he is the only one who can stop her. Hey! Guess what? She dies in his arms. Totally romantic.
Oh, but wait: X-Men 3 was a really bad movie. Also, Cyclops is out of the way because Jean Grey killed him. Also, her hair is really nasty in the film.
Why it’s romantic: A man with anterograde amnesia is seeking revenge by tracking down his wife’s murderer. It’s love even after death! Even after brain damage! What. Could. Be. More. Romantic?
Oh, but wait: Actually, it turns out that amnesia guy’s wife survived the attack that gave him brain damage. And, in fact, he was the one that killed her by giving her an overdose of insulin. Which he didn’t remember doing, because anterograde amnesia is the kind where you can’t form any new memories, so any time you do something seems like the first time you did something. Also, he killed his wife’s rapist ages ago, and now he’s just randomly murdering people.
Why it’s romantic: Hey, right off the bat, Peter Parker tells us this is a story about a girl. A girl named Mary Jane Watson. That’s romantic! Plus it’s got the whole upside down kiss and he saves her life. Romantic.
Oh, but wait: Yeah, whatever, Peter Parker. “This is a story about a girl, by which I mean, I get bitten by a radioactive spider, my uncle dies and I fight a super-powered bad guy and there’s a girl in it briefly. Also, I dump her. Because I’m Spiderman.”
Why it’s romantic: Jimmy Stewart is hired to protect a beautiful woman and falls in love with her, and she with him. Tragically, she falls to her death. But the love story’s not over yet! After spending time in some sort of asylum, Jimmy Stewart comes across a girl on the street … who’s the spitting image of his lost love!
Oh, but wait: OK, this is when the crazy really starts. Jimmy Stewart takes this girl and remakes her in the image of the woman he lost. Also, it turns out the girl was actually the woman he loved and she still loves him, which is why she’s letting him make her dye her hair and wear dresses. Oh, and she’s actually the woman he loved because she was hired to impersonate the real woman for convoluted reason I can’t remember, and so she was involved in a conspiracy to murder that woman! Also, she falls to her death, and it’s totally Jimmy Stewart’s fault, so … not all that romantic.
9. Last Night
Why it’s romantic: Don McKellar, having trouble getting over his lost love (she died of cancer or something) meets a beautiful woman (Sandra Oh) and the movie ends with their passionate kiss.
Oh, but wait: Why is this movie called “Last Night”? Oh, because it’s the last night the earth will exist, you say? This is a movie about the end of the world, you say? That’s … well, it’s still kind of romantic, right? I mean, it ends with a kiss! Oh, Don McKellar meets Sandra Oh while she’s trying to return home to her husband? Who is brutally murdered by some kids who are terrified of the end of the world? And Sandra Oh and Don McKellar were going to shoot each other in the head before deciding to go for a kiss? That’s … less romantic. Yeah. A lot less.
10. Hot Fuzz
Why it’s romantic: A supercop is transferred to a small town in England, where he meets a slacker cop, helps him change his ways and fights a council of evil villagers, all while featuring some of the most longing gazes in the history of cinema ever.
Oh, but wait: So Simon Pegg and Nick Frost aren’t supposed to be falling in love in this movie? Look, seriously, people, are we sure? I mean, did you see those longing gazes??
A specific quality I look for in my famous people crushes is “Is this guy prettier than me?” That takes a lot of doing, of course, as anyone who knows me will testify that I am quite the looker. (No photographic evidence will be provided.)
This opening paragraph gives me an excuse to insert a photo of Takeshi Kaneshiro as the perfect example.
But there’s some guys out there who … well, just ain’t pretty. Some of them aren’t even all that tall, which is another trait I look for.
Which gives me an excuse to insert a photo of the 6’5″ Kyle Secor.
Right, right, moving on to shorter, less pretty guys, I present you with a list of 10 of them!
1. Simon Pegg. Yes, we’re all aware that recently, I’ve found Simon Pegg to be very, very hot. But if I’m honest with myself, which, we all have to admit, I rarely am, Simon Pegg is not actually all that hot. Except that he is. It’s like a paradox or oxymoron of some sort. I don’t know.
2. Adam Baldwin. Adam Baldwin is the opposite of pretty. He’s growly, he’s scary, he’s built like a brick …house! And every time he shoots at people or punches them in the face, I giggle like a schoolgirl. A schoolgirl with a gigantic crush on Adam Baldwin.
3. Jackie Earle Haley. Yeah, so, Jackie Earle Haley, huh? Jackie Earle Haley is shorter than me. He’s shorter than me! (By a quarter inch, but still!) And one of the best things about him playing Rorschach was that he was exactly the right shade of ugly. (I mean this as a compliment, Jackie Earle Haley! I love you!) Anyway, he’s mysteriously hot. It’s probably the whole Rorschach thing, I don’t know.
4. Eric Elbogen. (Of Say Hi.) Hey, it’s a musician! His lyrics make me laugh, and he seems to be about as geeky as I am. But he’s no (insert hot musician name here, because I can’t think of any), am I right?
5. Bruce Campbell. Bruce Campbell is hot because he’s Bruce Campbell. That is all.
6. Timothy Omundson. I watch USA’s Psych for two reasons: 1) to see how many pop culture references they can make in one minute; 2) because there’s something about Timothy Omundson that makes me feel all squishy.
7. (Nonpuffy) James Spader. James Spader, in his prime, was geeky, thin and pasty. And soooo sexy, right, ladies? I can’t even watch Boston Legal these days, and not just because it looks like a horrible show.
8. Kyle MacLachlan. One of my very first posts at this here blog was a faceoff between Agents Cooper and Mulder. Mulder came out ahead, but only just. I love you, Coop.
9. Speaking of the X-Files, Mitch Pileggi! Don’t ask me either, but he totally is, all right?
10. Britt Daniel. This Spoon frontman is a musician, much like Eric Elbogen, except he’s skinnier and blonder. I don’t know what that has to do with being a musician, but whatever. What makes him hot? He is the frontman of Spoon. That’s so hot.