… although this post title is.
Hi, everybody! I’m not dead or even in a coma, but it has been very busy at work, and also I did Thanksgiving (you guys should try my mashed potatoes with caramelized onions, because they are so good), so Internetting has been about the last thing on my mind.
But I’m back, and I’m sorry, and I went to Moana with my daughter last weekend, because sometimes she makes me go to Disney movies. (I guess our only other option was the new Harry Potter minus Harry Potter thing, but, then again, Eddie Redmayne is really pretty.)
So, Moana! Here’s some things I love about it:
- Casting actual Pacific Islanders to voice-act. That’s cool.
- The song the crab sings.
- Dwayne Johnson is finally the sexiest man alive, like, jeez, what took so long? Were you waiting for him to not be alive?
- Auli’i Cravalho has a gorgeous voice.
Also, the plot was fine, and I’m pretty sure they got the Maui myth about right (I’m sorry, but I’m not as up on my Pacific Island mythology/folklore as I should be!), and the stupid chicken was even stupider than the chicken I had when I was a kid, so that was good.
My daughter says it was really good and you should go watch it, and I’ll just say: Yeah, it was fine.
Before I get into the “movie I’m not seeing this weekend,” I just wanted to send a personal message to The Rock, more lamely known as Dwayne Johnson. That message is WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY? How much money could they have offered you for your dignity, Mr. The Rock? Was it enough?! Was it enough???!!!
Moving on, we have Legion. (Cormac McCarthy’s The Road finally got to the theaters in my town like, what?, six months after it opened? I won’t be seeing it because the book was a soul-sucking vortex of depression, but at least it should be good, so I can’t make fun of it. I mean, I could try, but I’d probably just end up wanting to kill myself instead. So. Legion?)
Legion is about how God has decided to rid earth of the human race.
Announcer guy says something like: “Last time, He sent a flood. This time, He’s sending angels.” Now, I don’t want to tell God how to do His job or anything, because there is surely nothing that will send me on a path to hell faster than that, but I feel pretty confident I can tell Movie God this: You want to destroy humanity? And You’re God? Why don’t you just send a giant comet this way or have the sun flare up really big? Why bother with the creepy angel-things? What’s that you say, Movie God? Because there wouldn’t be a “Legion” otherwise? Well, you can kind of see my point then, can’t you?
I’d seen clips of a creepy old lady in some little podunk restaurant going all flesh-eating zombie on the patrons, but I never connected it with the movie about the angel with the battle wings until I watched the trailer. I had always assumed they were playing that bit for laughs, but I’m starting to think perhaps not.
So, anyway, the trailer opens with the creepy zombie lady who is apparently an angel? Like, really? God loves zombies as much as I do? That’s so cool! Then there’s some other angel that gets all Mr. Fantastic on us, but actually makes me think of the spider-head monster (head-spider monster?) from The Thing. Then there’s our hero, some angel! IMDB seems to think it’s Michael, played by Paul Bettany, but that can’t be right, because he’s not an action star. I mean, he’s just so … gangly. I mean, if he’s humanity’s hope, then, well, whatever, you know?
Dennis Quaid is also in this movie, but I can’t even bring myself to care about why.
Also, there are some lame fight scenes that try to be awesome, but can’t, because there’s no such thing as an awesome fight scene with wings. There’s just not.
(Also, there’s no such thing as an awesome fight scene with Paul Bettany, because, I swear, isn’t he a character actor? Seriously, who thought of this? What a bad idea!!)
The special effects try to be awesome too, like this creepy scene with a bunch of angels swooping down like giant, angry locusts, but they all hit me the same way the scene in the restaurant with the kindly old face-eating zombie lady: like they should have been played for laughs instead of for serious.
Oh, there is one good line. Well, it’s a combination of two lines that together make pretty good: “I don’t even believe in God.” “Well, he doesn’t believe in you either.” (P.S. That might not be right, but please don’t think I’m watching the trailer a second time just for accuracy.)
Anyway? Final thoughts on Legion: 1. Kill us harder, Movie God; 2) Unless you are planning to send Paul Bettany as our savior, in which case, your plan will almost certainly come to human-exterminating fruition; 3) Tell Dennis Quaid to start investing his money so he doesn’t have to do this sort of thing anymore. Thank you.