I don’t wanna see the new Terminator movie.
For many reasons, number one of which is they spelled “Genesis” like that, you know?
But then it’s like, wait, is that Arnold Schwarzenegger meeting a young Arnold Schwarzenegger? (Finally! We’ve put the technology to good use, because WHAT’S COOLER THAN THAT?!)
Wait, what’s that you say? My favorite living actor J.K. Simmons is in the movie? You’re right! That is cooler than two Schwarzeneggers! That’s way cool! It’s the coolest!
Ugh, it’s almost like I want to see this movie now, but I really, really don’t because it’s, like, what? A prequel? An alt-universe story? And that’s totally not Linda Hamilton, and her hair totally doesn’t look ’80s enough. And John Connor is a Terminator now? Wha? I don’t even under — and, wait, did Arnold Schwarzenegger just say “I’ll be back?”
So I’ve decided that some movies should be re-made so as to accommodate my new fetish: Watching Benedict Cumberbatch hurt people.
Here is a list of those movies, in no particular order:
Because Benedict Cumberbatch already killed Robocop with his bare hands, and they’re planning on remaking it anyway, so why not, you know?
2. Terminator 2
The original Terminator would be OK too, but I really think of Benedict Cumberbatch as a liquid metal type of emotionless android rather than an old-school Schwarzenegger-type.
I don’t know much about Taken, except that Liam Neeson hurts a lot of people in it, so I would be fine with a shot-for-shot remake of Benedict Cumberbatch doing the same.
4. The Bourne movies
I know even less about the Bourne movies than I do about Taken, except that Matt Damon is not as attractive as Benedict Cumberbatch.
Not that I think The Thing needed to be remade, because it didn’t and it doesn’t, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Benedict Cumberbatch kill aliens with a flamethrower.
6. Sherlock Holmes
Both the first one and the other one, not that I think they’re good movies, but Benedict Cumberbatch makes a wonderful Sherlock Holmes and I wuv him.
Because, unlike Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t look permanently teenaged, so I could totally buy him as a masked avenger.
Hah, no, I’m kidding. Versus is practically perfect in every way.
9. The Matrix
10. Star Trek: Into Darkness
OK, I know this movie was just released, and also that Benedict Cumberbatch is actually in it, but now is the time for the producers to remedy their grievous error and re-insert the shower scene.
All right, so you’re not dating a werewolf or a vampire or any of those things. But something seems a little bit off about your new boyfriend and you just can’t quite put your finger on it.
Well, maybe he’s a robot!
Here’s a list of 10 ways to be sure, possibly.
1. Does he want to destroy humanity?
It’s true that a lot of robots want to destroy humanity, except for the wussy Asimov ones, but you could just as easily be dating Magneto.
2. Does he come from the future?
Some robots come from the future.
3. When you prick him, does he not bleed?
I just really wanted to get that one in there.
4. Can he do things that normal, non-robotic human beings can’t do?
Like enjoy a life as a mechanical man?
5. Can he transform into an automobile, jet or possibly a (*snicker*) cassette deck?
Transformers are robots, aren’t they?
6. Does he sometimes call your family “those puny humans”?
And then he crushes your brother’s car with his bare fist?
7. Do his funeral pre-arrangements consist of “downloading into a new body”?
8. Can he time travel?
Some robots can time travel.
9. Does he go for long periods of time without eating, drinking or breathing, say, like, the entire time you’ve known him?
This is a good hint that your boyfriend doesn’t need to do any of those things and, thus, is a robot.
10. Last, but not least: Is your boyfriend constantly looking for loopholes in Asimov’s laws so he can do something about his pesky neighbors?
Seriously, honey, if he was a regular human being, he’d’ve already shot them for letting their dog poop on his lawn for the 12th time this week.
Remember Terminator 2? Remember Edward Furlong? Such promise he held! That snazzy 1990s haircut!
The delivery of lines containing horribly, horribly outdated lingo! The way he had a pet terminator! Things could only go up from there, skyrocketing him into a career filled with awesome roles and busty supermodel girlfriends.
Except that didn’t really happen.
Or if it did, it happened quietly in, like, Europe or somewhere.
So, as I wondered, “where have you been, Edward Furlong,” I set my crack team on the trail. Or went to IMDb, one of the two.
As we all know, Edward Furlong’s career began when he was thrust into the spotlight with Terminator 2. It seems to be a trend among child actors that they get cast in some awesome sequel to a previous awesome movie and then disappear forever. (See: Ke Quan, Jonathan for a striking example of this phenomenon.)
He followed up that piece of cinematic greatness with a role in American Heart, which sounds kind of familiar to me, but I don’t think I actually know what it is.
Then, of course, we all know he starred in Pet Sematary II, which … wait. They made a sequel to Pet Sematary? I actually remember watching this movie, which means, in 1992, my love for Edward Furlong must have been great indeed.
Moving right along, he’s actually gotten plum roles in some fun little flicks, like John Waters’ Pecker, which is less about dick than you would imagine, but also completely forgettable. He was in American History X with Edward Norton, which I totally did not know, probably because critics only ever mention Norton and I have never actually seen the film. In 1999, he was in something called Detroit Rock City, which was about teens trying to get into a KISS concert, and I already don’t care.
Then came the 00s, when his career kind of imploded or something. I mean he was in a French film. A French film! No one stars in French films except the French! (Note: this film could also be Italian, but my point still stands.) Then it was on to 3 Blind Mice, because every actor from the ’90s has been contracturally scripted into movies about the Internet. There’s, like, a law or something. Then he was in a Crow sequel, because Hollywood kept making those for some reason, and, for the Buffy fans among you, it also stars David Boreanz, but you probably knew that already. That was an excessively long sentence, and I apologize for that.
After that, there were a bunch more movies that I didn’t even know existed, like 2006’s Warriors of Terra and 2009’s Night of the Demons. On the bright side, Edward Furlong is still getting a paycheck. On the much less bright side, it’s for stuff like that, you know?
From 2006 to 2010, our boy Edward has had a recurring role on CSI: NY, so I guess if I watched that I would’ve known he’s not dead, just like Gary Sinise!! But I don’t watch it, so I guess Edward and Gary are both dead to me.
Then, Eddie’s got a bunch of films in post-production, including The Green Hornet, which I can’t decide whether I should be excited or filled with dread about, as Tupper. I don’t know who Tupper is, but I’ve only seen three episodes of The Green Hornet ever, so for all I know, he’s the Green Hornet’s long-lost twin brother. But probably not, since Seth Rogen is playing the Green Hornet.
Also, did you guys know that Edward has an album that was released in Japan? I’m not sure the Japanese even knew that. He has suffered from problems with drugs and alcohol, which I can only assume led to him being romantically linked with Paris Hilton.
So there you go. It turns out little Eddie Furlong has not quit making movies and is, in fact, rather successful, and I just need to get to the theaters or the Redbox more.
Valentine’s week continues! And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s watching romantic movies. Also dramas. Actually, anything where something doesn’t blow up or get attacked by zombies occasionally. Or ninja. Attacked by ninja is also good.
So instead of a list of great romantic movies, I’m making a list of movies that aren’t romances, but have romance, but when you think about it, maybe they’re not so romantic after all.
1. The Terminator.
Why it’s romantic: John Connor sends his father back from the future to meet his mother, protect her from the big bad Terminator and also woo her. It’s a beautiful love story!
Oh, but wait: But the only reason John Connor did all that was so that he could be born and fight the machines in the future. Not so much to contribute to his mother’s great romance. It’s actually much less romantic and much more clinical, if you think about it.
Why it’s romantic: After Takeshi Kaneshiro and the time-traveling girl save the world, she comes back in time once more to save his life. There’s a tender goodbye scene when she goes back to her own time and even a transformation bit, where she looks cute in a skirt and new haircut.
Oh, but wait: Errr, the time traveling girl is probably 15 or so, and there’s never any actual overt romance shown between them, only a friendship. So, while it sounds like it borders on the nasty, it’s all completely innocent. I assume.
3. 12 Monkeys (I swear, this is the last entry in the time travel genre)
Why it’s romantic: Bruce Willis convinces Madeleine Stowe that he is a time traveler and that the future of the world is in jeopardy! Also, they fall in love.
Oh, but wait: Really, it sounds more like a rampant case of Stockholm Syndrome at work here. I mean, Bruce Willis just keeps kidnapping Madeleine Stowe. Also, he basically got her stuck in a time loop where she will keep witnessing his death. Also, he’s stuck in that time loop, where he witnesses his own death as a child. That’s not romantic at all, actually.
4. Death Note
Why it’s romantic: High school student Light Yagami’s girlfriend is kidnapped by Naomi Misora, who holds the girl hostage to prove that Light Yagami is the supernatural serial killer Kira. Light Yagami goes to save his girlfriend and prove his own innocence, and his girlfriend breaks free and runs to him. Naomi fires a wild shot, which Light’s girlfriend throws herself in front of to protect Light, and then dies in his arms, just as every teenage girl ever has dreamed of doing.
Oh, but wait: Actually, Light Yagami is the supernatural serial killer Kira, possessor of the Death Note, in which he wrote that his girlfriend would be struck and killed by a bullet at that exact time. So, she not only didn’t save his life, she was murdered by him. That’s, um, well, really goddamned evil.
5. X-Men 3
Why it’s romantic: With Cyclops out of the way, the romance between Jean Grey and Wolverine is free to bloom! And bloom it does, until she turns evil, and he is the only one who can stop her. Hey! Guess what? She dies in his arms. Totally romantic.
Oh, but wait: X-Men 3 was a really bad movie. Also, Cyclops is out of the way because Jean Grey killed him. Also, her hair is really nasty in the film.
Why it’s romantic: A man with anterograde amnesia is seeking revenge by tracking down his wife’s murderer. It’s love even after death! Even after brain damage! What. Could. Be. More. Romantic?
Oh, but wait: Actually, it turns out that amnesia guy’s wife survived the attack that gave him brain damage. And, in fact, he was the one that killed her by giving her an overdose of insulin. Which he didn’t remember doing, because anterograde amnesia is the kind where you can’t form any new memories, so any time you do something seems like the first time you did something. Also, he killed his wife’s rapist ages ago, and now he’s just randomly murdering people.
Why it’s romantic: Hey, right off the bat, Peter Parker tells us this is a story about a girl. A girl named Mary Jane Watson. That’s romantic! Plus it’s got the whole upside down kiss and he saves her life. Romantic.
Oh, but wait: Yeah, whatever, Peter Parker. “This is a story about a girl, by which I mean, I get bitten by a radioactive spider, my uncle dies and I fight a super-powered bad guy and there’s a girl in it briefly. Also, I dump her. Because I’m Spiderman.”
Why it’s romantic: Jimmy Stewart is hired to protect a beautiful woman and falls in love with her, and she with him. Tragically, she falls to her death. But the love story’s not over yet! After spending time in some sort of asylum, Jimmy Stewart comes across a girl on the street … who’s the spitting image of his lost love!
Oh, but wait: OK, this is when the crazy really starts. Jimmy Stewart takes this girl and remakes her in the image of the woman he lost. Also, it turns out the girl was actually the woman he loved and she still loves him, which is why she’s letting him make her dye her hair and wear dresses. Oh, and she’s actually the woman he loved because she was hired to impersonate the real woman for convoluted reason I can’t remember, and so she was involved in a conspiracy to murder that woman! Also, she falls to her death, and it’s totally Jimmy Stewart’s fault, so … not all that romantic.
9. Last Night
Why it’s romantic: Don McKellar, having trouble getting over his lost love (she died of cancer or something) meets a beautiful woman (Sandra Oh) and the movie ends with their passionate kiss.
Oh, but wait: Why is this movie called “Last Night”? Oh, because it’s the last night the earth will exist, you say? This is a movie about the end of the world, you say? That’s … well, it’s still kind of romantic, right? I mean, it ends with a kiss! Oh, Don McKellar meets Sandra Oh while she’s trying to return home to her husband? Who is brutally murdered by some kids who are terrified of the end of the world? And Sandra Oh and Don McKellar were going to shoot each other in the head before deciding to go for a kiss? That’s … less romantic. Yeah. A lot less.
10. Hot Fuzz
Why it’s romantic: A supercop is transferred to a small town in England, where he meets a slacker cop, helps him change his ways and fights a council of evil villagers, all while featuring some of the most longing gazes in the history of cinema ever.
Oh, but wait: So Simon Pegg and Nick Frost aren’t supposed to be falling in love in this movie? Look, seriously, people, are we sure? I mean, did you see those longing gazes??
Q. Did you know that the rights to the Terminator Franchise can be bought for a wee $60-$70 million?
A. Let Joss Whedon have it for his throat lozenge idea alone! (I am now breaking the two-sentence review rule to say that I can’t believe I’m commending Joss Whedon for a good idea.)
“But who is Father Tres?” you ask (I told you already, I can heeeeaarrr you).
Father Tres, codenamed Gunslinger, is the gunslinging (hence the code name, I suppose) android priest from the Trinity Blood light novels/manga/anime.
“Look,” you say. “I’ve heard of The Terminator, but what the hell is Trinity Blood?”
It’s not important. All that matters is that Father Tres Iquis is a gunslinging android priest, which is possibly the coolest combination of things to be ever except for that upcoming movie, Ninja Assassin.
So how does a gunslinging android priest fare in competition against the well-known-est android of all?
Let’s find out, shall we?
Physicality. If we’re counting sheer size alone, Ahhh-nold (yes, I will insist on referring to him in that manner, as I have already told you I can’t spell his name!) wins, because he is one massive fellow. However, we all know that Lokifire doesn’t grade on muscle mass and ignore a pretty animated face. Winner? The petite, 600-lb (or so) Father Tres.
Coolest codename? The Terminator’s codename (?) is “The Terminator.” Father Tres Iquis’s codename is “Gunslinger.” Holy leaping cats, Batman! Those are both supra-awesome codenames! In conclusion, it’s a total damn tie. I mean, could you pick “Gunslinger” over “The Terminator” or vice versa? You couldn’t, could you? It’s a total draw, isn’t it? So! Awesome!
Coolest catchphrase. The Terminator has two: “I’ll be back” and “Hasta la vista, baby.” They’re cooler if you imagine Ahhh-nold saying them. Father Tres doesn’t seem to have a catchphrase, although he often tells his enemies what fraction of a second too slow they are, which is really kind of an asshole move. Could someone have programmed him to have a little discretion? Jeez. Winner? The Terminator.
Fighting for the best cause? The Terminator starts out all evil, but then he’s fighting to save humanity, and then there were some other movies that I never saw. Father Tres has always been programmed to protect humanity … from VAMPIRES! (It’s a really weird series, OK?) Winner: It’s another tie, although I’m not sure humanity is really the best cause out there, but whatever.
Coolest robotic series? The Terminator is from the 800 series of robots. Father Tres comes from the “Killing Doll” series. Oooooooh, “Killing Doll” sounds totally cool, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?! Winner? Father Tres.
Fought something made of liquid metal? You’d think this would be a gimme for The Terminator, wouldn’t you? Well, you’re right, it is, because they quit translating the Trinity Blood novels into English, and until I learn Japanese or they make a better anime, I don’t know what happens later on in the series. Winner? The Terminator.
Possibly a cyborg and not an android at all? Nope, no matter what wikipedia thinks, The Terminator is not made from any human bits. Well, maybe they peeled the skin of some human in the future, but I don’t think that’s how it worked? Father Tres, on the other hand, has, like, part of a human’s brain in his program or something (it’s a really, REALLY weird series). Winner? Father Tres.
Most likely to shoot you full of holes as soon as look at you? If you’re an evil vampire, you’re facing some serious trouble from Father Tres. Otherwise, you’re pretty much safe. He’s been programmed not to shoot innocent humans. If you’re dealing with the old-school Terminator, the answer is yes, he will shoot you up till you look like a piece of Swiss cheese. That is bleeding. However, Edward Furlong’s character totally neutered the poor Terminator, and now he doesn’t kill anybody. Winner? It’s a tie in sadness.
Coolest outfit? The Terminator totally stole some fat biker’s leather clothes. That’s so cool! But Father Tres dresses like a priest who carries around a ton of guns. Winner? Father Tres.
Overall winner? Apparently, you can’t get any cooler than being a gunslinging android priest, but The Terminator comes as close as anybody.