So you think you’re dating an evil alien: A modern teen’s guide
It’s been a long time since I’ve done a big ol’ post like this, and I apologize. You guys deserve better. We all deserve better. Especially since we’re probably dating evil aliens, and we don’t even know for sure which ones.
Well I can tell you, through the power of making a list! The excitement of a list! Who’s with me? Here’s a list of aliens you could be dating, were you to be dating an evil alien!
1. Alien. The best way to tell if you’re dating the Alien from Alien is if she bleeds acid and eats everyone except Ripley.
But is she so bad? She bleeds acid, eats everyone except Ripley, and lays eggs in your face.
This is why you should always use protection, kids.
2. The Thing. It would be hard to know if you’re dating The Thing from John Carpenter’s The Thing, because The Thing is a shapeshifter and, thus, could look like anybody.
Even a young Keith David!
But how evil is The Thing? The Thing murders innocent little doggies and wants to take over the planet.
And it could be anyone, anywhere, even the person right next to you!
3. Alf. If you never watched a sitcom in the 1980s, you wouldn’t know if you’re dating this Alien Life Form (see? clever!) or not. Alias Gordon Schumway, which I don’t remember how to spell, Alf is a hairy little bastard who boards with the whitest family ever and likes to eat cats.
The 1980s called and they said their terrible puppets were still more realistic than our terrible CGI.
Is he really evil, though? It depends on your stance on housecats, I suppose.
4. Superman. Superman is an alien from the planet Krypton who’s just like a human, except he’s super.
But he’s a good guy, isn’t he? Eh, if you look at some of the stuff he got up to in the ’50s, it’s hard to be sure.
Just be glad it’s the suit and not your face, Jimmy Olsen.
5. J’onn J’onzz. This guy is a Martian who probably pals around with Superman from time to time.
I thought he was a good guy too. He probably is, but I now realize going into this list with a meager grasp on sci-fi was a terrible, terrible idea.
Ooh, art by Alex Ross, though!
6. A Skrull. Skrulls are aliens in the Marvel universe. They also can, I think, shapeshift. Seriously, I should’ve thought this through harder.
Skrulls are pretty bad, right? I think so? Usually they’re bad guys, maybe?
I do know that a Super Skrull has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four, so I’ll get that one right on Jeopardy.
7. E.T. This Extra Terrestrial (see? Clever again!) looks like a wrinkled, monster turnip, and loves Reece’s Pieces.
But he’s totally not evil, though. It’s sweet that you’re so trusting.
I’m sure he won’t murder you in your sleep or anything.
8. Spock. Good news! I just remembered that Mr. Spock exists, and he’s an alien! You can tell it’s him if he resembles the late Leonard Nimoy (or, I suppose, Sylar from Heroes), and he’s got pointy ears and is very logical.
Now, Spock’s definitely not evil. Only when it’s logical, baby. Only when it’s logical.
Now I feel bad because I miss Leonard Nimoy.
9. Chewbacca. The funny thing about Chewbacca is that my spellchecker really thinks I’m trying to write “backache.” With this most famous of the Wookiees, you can tell you’re dating him if he’s seven feet tall and really hairy. It’s either him, or a tall dude with a hair growth issue, I guess.
But is he evil? Just let him win at space chess, and you shouldn’t have any problems.
… And maybe ask him to take it easy on the sexy poses?
10. An illegal immigrant. If your significant other is here to steal our jobs, rape our women and other things Donald Trump might say, you’re dating an illegal alien.
All that work for an immigration joke? So it turns out I’m the real evil.
Nah, I’m just kidding. It’s this guy here that’s the real evil.
Let’s remake some movies
So I’ve decided that some movies should be re-made so as to accommodate my new fetish: Watching Benedict Cumberbatch hurt people.
I think there might be something wrong with me.
Here is a list of those movies, in no particular order:
1. Robocop
Because Benedict Cumberbatch already killed Robocop with his bare hands, and they’re planning on remaking it anyway, so why not, you know?
But in my version, we get to see his face, like, all the time.
2. Terminator 2
The original Terminator would be OK too, but I really think of Benedict Cumberbatch as a liquid metal type of emotionless android rather than an old-school Schwarzenegger-type.
Also, I’m afraid if I heard the words “Come with me if you want to live” in Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice, I would probably just die.
Seriously, I have an illness.
3. Taken
I don’t know much about Taken, except that Liam Neeson hurts a lot of people in it, so I would be fine with a shot-for-shot remake of Benedict Cumberbatch doing the same.
They wouldn’t even have to change the costuming because I AM MENTALLY ILL.
4. The Bourne movies
I know even less about the Bourne movies than I do about Taken, except that Matt Damon is not as attractive as Benedict Cumberbatch.
Like, see? I forgot this one even existed.
5.The Thing
Not that I think The Thing needed to be remade, because it didn’t and it doesn’t, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Benedict Cumberbatch kill aliens with a flamethrower.
Should I seek professional help?
6. Sherlock Holmes
Both the first one and the other one, not that I think they’re good movies, but Benedict Cumberbatch makes a wonderful Sherlock Holmes and I wuv him.
7. Batman
Because, unlike Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t look permanently teenaged, so I could totally buy him as a masked avenger.
Sherlock Holmes > Batman.
8. Versus
Hah, no, I’m kidding. Versus is practically perfect in every way.
It’s the Mary Poppins of movies.
Actually, Mary Poppins is the Mary Poppins of movies, but Versus is still quite good, despite a marked lack of “Chim-Chim-Chiree.”
9. The Matrix
Bullet-time Cumberbatch!
What time is it?
It’s BULLET Time!
10. Star Trek: Into Darkness
OK, I know this movie was just released, and also that Benedict Cumberbatch is actually in it, but now is the time for the producers to remedy their grievous error and re-insert the shower scene.
Also, they could just keep New Captain Kirk dead this time and start a whole new series: Evil Sherlock Holmes’ Adventures in Space.
Life lessons I learned during my The Thing/Alien marathon
There are many important — nay, imperative — life lessons to be gleaned from horror/sci-fi movies featuring aliens that want to kill us all.
Here are 10 of them:
1. Always keep a backup flamethrower.
Barring a backup flamethrower, make certain your flamethrower has plenty of fuel, because they always, always, always run out at the most inconvenient time.
Also, if you can manage it, stick close to Kurt Russell, because he’s pretty badass.
2. Never freeze up in terror.
Predators never think motionless little rabbits are rocks, and the evil alien that is killing everything around you will likewise not think you are a rock. Your first inclination might be to hold very still and just hope it goes away, but that always ends in tragedy, except for the evil alien.
Dammit, Lambert, if you would’ve just moved, Yaphet Kotto mightn’t have needed to die!
3. Never NEVER split up.
I know this advice seems a bit counter-intuitive, because if you’re all sitting in one big group, you’re like a human buffet for the killer alien, but there is safety in numbers. As soon as you split up, people start getting eaten, or replicated, or cocooned, or some other godawful thing.
4. Learn how to say “That’s not a dog! It’s an evil shape-shifting alien that wants to kill us all!” in as many languages as possible, even that one that’s mostly tongue clicks.
If the Norwegians in The Thing had been able to spout off this phrase in English or, alternatively, if the Americans had been able to understand this phrase in Norwegian, the tragedy that later followed could easily have been avoided.
“Stupid Americans.”
5. Never trust androids.
I don’t care how Michael Fassbender-y they are, they have almost certainly been programmed to kill you for their masters’ nefarious whims.
You think you’re tough now, Ripley, but soon he’s going to try to murder you with a magazine somehow!
6. It’s never the most obvious guy.
Sure, Clark’s acting all shifty and weird, like he’s probably been replaced by some sort of shape-shifting alien bent on world domination, but did it occur to you that he’s always acted shifty and weird? It’s probably one of the hippies.
Maybe it’s ALL of the hippies.
7. It’s really cool when someone’s head turns into a spider.
Everything about that scene is win.
Pictorial evidence: The Thing is one of the best movies of all time, evah.
8. Don’t put off hunting the evil alien for a more convenient time.
This is a common mistake, apparently. You need to begin your indiscriminate slaughter as soon as possible, before the aliens have time to multiply, or get bigger, or whatever. DO NOT WAIT! EXTERMINATE!
Oh, sure, it’s relatively cute now, but give it an hour or so, and everyone you know is Alien chow.
9. Don’t leave the crazy guy alone, because he’ll almost certainly do something crazy and ruin everything for everybody.
That crazy thing could be releasing an alien face-hugger (see Aliens) or it could be as simple as getting replicated by the shape-shifting alien, trying to build some sort of craft and killing pretty much everybody who’s left.
Fear Wilford Brimley.
10. And, last but not least: For God’s sake, if you come across some sort of disgusting alien blob-thing, never stick your face up close to it.
This is a lesson not only for you, Kane, but also for everybody at that Antarctic base who was poking around in the alien autopsy. Sticking your face up close to the suspiciously maybe-dead-but-probably-not alien blob is always, always, always a bad idea. Never do it. Ever.
“Yup, nothing about this is a bad idea!”
Remakes ahoy!
So I was busy complaining about The Thing remake, like, “God, why remake a classic when John Carpenter’s was so brilliant,” when I suddenly remembered: Hey, wait a minute, John Carpenter’s The Thing was a remake. (Of 1951’s The Thing from Another World, to be precise.) But then I looked it up and it looks like 1982’s The Thing was more like the creepy novella upon which both works were based, so everything is right with the world. Also, The Thing (2011) is supposed to be a prequel, but whatever, let’s all admit it’s just a remake with Kurt Russell as a girl instead.
Kurt Russell as a girl is surprisingly pretty.
Anyway, I don’t wanna see it. The Thing (1982) is one of my favorite movies ever, which, yeah, is kind of weird since I’m a little pants-wetting scaredy cat, but some nights I don’t want to sleep, you know? Besides, it’s got that guy’s head turning into a spider, so how could you possibly improve upon that?
You thought I was going to use a picture of the spider-head thing, but I actually DO want to sleep tonight, so please enjoy this harmless poster instead.
Also on tap for this weekend, remake-wise, is Footloose, which I was kind of curious about when they were thinking of casting Zac Efron, but now I don’t care.
See? He's much too tall to be Zac Efron.
Additionally, I never saw the original, so I don’t care even harder.
I feel like I SHOULD care about young Kevin Bacon, but I don't.
So there you go. Just watch the originals instead, except maybe not Footloose, because remember: it’s about dancing, not hideous space monsters killing Kurt Russell’s friends.
It'll be the most fun you've ever had wetting your pants in terror, I promise.
Holy smiting angels, Batman! Legion looks awful!
Before I get into the “movie I’m not seeing this weekend,” I just wanted to send a personal message to The Rock, more lamely known as Dwayne Johnson. That message is WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY? How much money could they have offered you for your dignity, Mr. The Rock? Was it enough?! Was it enough???!!!
Or for your SOUL?
*cough*
Moving on, we have Legion. (Cormac McCarthy’s The Road finally got to the theaters in my town like, what?, six months after it opened? I won’t be seeing it because the book was a soul-sucking vortex of depression, but at least it should be good, so I can’t make fun of it. I mean, I could try, but I’d probably just end up wanting to kill myself instead. So. Legion?)
Legion is about how God has decided to rid earth of the human race.
Announcer guy says something like: “Last time, He sent a flood. This time, He’s sending angels.” Now, I don’t want to tell God how to do His job or anything, because there is surely nothing that will send me on a path to hell faster than that, but I feel pretty confident I can tell Movie God this: You want to destroy humanity? And You’re God? Why don’t you just send a giant comet this way or have the sun flare up really big? Why bother with the creepy angel-things? What’s that you say, Movie God? Because there wouldn’t be a “Legion” otherwise? Well, you can kind of see my point then, can’t you?
I’d seen clips of a creepy old lady in some little podunk restaurant going all flesh-eating zombie on the patrons, but I never connected it with the movie about the angel with the battle wings until I watched the trailer. I had always assumed they were playing that bit for laughs, but I’m starting to think perhaps not.
I mean, you're sure you're not going for some sort of Sam Raimi thing here?
So, anyway, the trailer opens with the creepy zombie lady who is apparently an angel? Like, really? God loves zombies as much as I do? That’s so cool! Then there’s some other angel that gets all Mr. Fantastic on us, but actually makes me think of the spider-head monster (head-spider monster?) from The Thing. Then there’s our hero, some angel! IMDB seems to think it’s Michael, played by Paul Bettany, but that can’t be right, because he’s not an action star. I mean, he’s just so … gangly. I mean, if he’s humanity’s hope, then, well, whatever, you know?
Oh, God, we're frakking DOOOOOOOOMED!
Dennis Quaid is also in this movie, but I can’t even bring myself to care about why.
Did do a google search for his picture, though.
Also, there are some lame fight scenes that try to be awesome, but can’t, because there’s no such thing as an awesome fight scene with wings. There’s just not.
(Also, there’s no such thing as an awesome fight scene with Paul Bettany, because, I swear, isn’t he a character actor? Seriously, who thought of this? What a bad idea!!)
The special effects try to be awesome too, like this creepy scene with a bunch of angels swooping down like giant, angry locusts, but they all hit me the same way the scene in the restaurant with the kindly old face-eating zombie lady: like they should have been played for laughs instead of for serious.
Oh, there is one good line. Well, it’s a combination of two lines that together make pretty good: “I don’t even believe in God.” “Well, he doesn’t believe in you either.” (P.S. That might not be right, but please don’t think I’m watching the trailer a second time just for accuracy.)
Anyway? Final thoughts on Legion: 1. Kill us harder, Movie God; 2) Unless you are planning to send Paul Bettany as our savior, in which case, your plan will almost certainly come to human-exterminating fruition; 3) Tell Dennis Quaid to start investing his money so he doesn’t have to do this sort of thing anymore. Thank you.
Actually, I'm pretty sure somebody just said, "Hey, you know what would be cool? Angels with GUNS!" And they were right, except that then they went and made Legion.
Yep, Hollywood still hates me
Why you sumbitches always got to mess with the CLASSICS?
Q. So, what do you think about a “The Thing” prequel, and by that I mean John Carpenter’s sci-fi flick, not like a Ben Grimm origin story?
A. I think a zombified John Carpenter should eat the brains of whomever is responsible for this travesty, if John Carpenter is dead and if said person has any brains whatsoever.
Hollywood Hates Me 