So I guess they’re making an It movie?
But I guess they didn’t cast Tim Curry as Pennywise?
So I guess nobody will actually be scared?
So I guess why are they bothering?
Lately, you’ve noticed your boyfriend isn’t like the other mythical creatures. He’s more four-legged and neighs and eats hay and stuff.
Maybe my darling Timothy is a unicorn, you think, as you sit beside him at the drive-in theater, holding his hoof.
But how can you be sure?
By using this handy-dandy checklist is how you can be sure! So let’s get to it.
1. Does he have a horn?
We’re not talking trumpets or cutesy little nicknames for his … well, you know. We’re talking a horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead.
2. Also, does he mostly look like a horse, except for that horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead?
Although some people claim that unicorns look more like goats.
3. Are you a virgin?
Now don’t go blaming me for this. It’s just flat out well-known that this is a preference for unicorns. Unless, I suppose, you’re dating one that goes more for pureness of heart than for pureness of the lady bits.
4. Does his horn (that we previously ascertained is an actual horn, not a trumpet and not a nickname like “Mr. Wiggles”) have magical properties?
Again, this horn is not in his pants.
5. When you go on dates, are you often refused entry as the clerk/shop owner/bartender points to the sign “No Pets Allowed”?
“He’s not a pet, he’s my boyfriend!” you might proclaim.
6. Does that lady who married a dolphin laugh at your taste in men?
And she married one of the bastards of the sea!
7. Does Tim Curry keep pestering you two, wanting to rid the world of all goodness or something?
Oh, please, did you seriously think you were getting out of this thing without at least one Legend reference?
8. When you talk about riding your boyfriend, you’re not actually talking about sex?
“Thanks to my darling Timothy, I always make it to school on time!”
9. Just for clarification: Horn. Middle of forehead. Not in pants.
Seriously, girls, just because your boyfriend says he has a horn doesn’t mean he’s a unicorn. It means he’s a teenage boy.
10. When you’re served poison, does he dip his horn into it to neutralize its properties?
Apparently, unicorn horns can do that. Not teenage boys though, because what teenage boy in his right mind would go about dipping his tender bits in poison?
Well, there you go, ladies. You’re dating a unicorn.
And that movie is Legend, because it’s got unicorns and fair folk and Tim Curry.
And also: Mia Sara, which is way easier to pronounce than Mia Sarapocciello, the name she was born with.
And by the way, I haven’t seen Mia Sara in a film since Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and why did I watch that, anyway?
What has the lovely Ms. Sara/Sarapocciello been up to lately?
Mia Sara got her start in Legend, which I already knew. Well, I didn’t know that was her first film, because who leaps directly from obscurity to starring role? She followed that up with Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which I also already knew, but I guess I had forgotten those two movies came out so near in time to each other.
After that, I swear, she never saw the big screen again. (OK, maybe she did, but certainly not in movies I’ve ever heard of before.)
She followed up her role as Ferris Bueller’s girlfriend by starring in the TV movie Queenie, which makes me think of that PJ Harvey song “50 Ft. Queenie,” which is probably even dirtier than I think it is.
Queenie is the story of a “half-caste beauty” (I know, right?) and her pursuit of fame and fortune. Possibly more interesting than the tale of an average-looking woman of ordinary descent pursuing mediocrity, but not possibly more interesting enough.
In 1988, she starred in a couple of films that aren’t even good enough to be sold as individual DVDs, and are packaged with other films of that same ilk. I know you think you want to know the names of these films, but really, it doesn’t matter.
She killed time in the ’90s by starring in more TV movies (or at least appearing in them; I actually got bored and didn’t click on the titles to check her billing), guest-starring on TV shows and more of those awful, awful movies that no one ever sees, except when they accidentally go in the wrong theater and then they’re too lazy to leave.
In 1994, she was in Timecop, so that’s … something.
In the 00s, which I should hope you know I’m pronouncing in my head as “the aughts,” her most interesting thing was playing Dr. Harleen Quinzel in Birds of Prey, which I did know was a series, but did not know managed to last for a whole eight episodes.
In 2007, she guest-starred on CSI:NY, because I guess Law & Order: SVU can’t cast everybody, but give them time, they will manage it.
Her most recent project is The Witches of Oz, which I see as a step up for her because Christopher Lloyd is in it, and what that he touches does not turn into gold, you know?
Also, it’s got a hobbit. Not the one I’ve heard of.
The other one.
Oh, and she does have a pilot’s license, so that’s cool.
I never knew that Grace Jones was born in 1948. But now I do!
The model/singer/actress leapt onto the scene in the ’70s, with a bunch of songs I never heard of, and eventually became the muse for Andy Warhol. I guess he had a lot of muses.
In the ’80s, Jones went on to release even more songs I never heard of, perfect her androgynous look and, most importantly, star in Conan the Destroyer and A View to a Kill.
And after that, she was never heard from again.
I’m just kidding. After that, she went on to record more albums, the most recent being 2008’s Hurricane, and star in a few more movies, including 2001’s Wolf Girl, with Tim Curry, for some sort of who’s the scariest competition or something, I don’t know.
She’s also been ranked #82 on VH1’s 100 Greatest Women of Rock ‘n Roll, ranked #19 in Channel 5’s “World’s greatest supermodel” (and if anyone knows what Channel 5 is and why we should care, alert me), but more importantly, she is “the Queen of Gay Discos.”
Tragically, Jones has been keeping out of the spotlight lately, and, even more tragically, has inspired artists like Lady Gaga, whom I might respect more if she was in a Conan movie, but probably not.
Also, there’s some sort of movement on her IMDB page wondering why she wasn’t cast as Storm in the X-Men movies, so there you go.