I didn’t see The Mummy last weekend

June 15, 2017 at 2:52 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I actually kind of like the Brendan Fraser Mummy. It’s cute and fluffy and Brendan Fraser is adorable in his little suspenders.

Hi, cutie-pie!

But I don’t understand why we’re doing a Tom Cruise Mummy. Or why we’re trying to make Tom Cruise Ancient Action Star a thing. He’s old enough to be my grandfather!

“I am so very old and so very tired.”

(Editor’s note: This is a lie. Tom Cruise is not old enough to be the blogger’s grandfather. The blogger is a dirty liar, and you kids had better get off her lawn.)

So the Tom Cruise Mummy looks like it’s basically a lady Mummy because take that, sexism, apparently! And Really Old Tom Cruise running around with Girl Young Enough To REALLY Be His Granddaughter who is probably the love interest because that’s just how Hollywood rolls.

Take that, sexism?

So WHY BOTHER?

“Because sexy lady wrapped in bandages, duh.” — Hollywood

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Refueling the Transporter

September 4, 2015 at 10:14 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Last week, I didn’t go see No Escape, because it looked like a dumb movie about white people trying to flee a foreign country, where THANK GOD, no one of any importance was being killed, just a bunch of foreigners, am I right, jingoism for the win, WHOOO.

Oh, gosh, I sure hope the white Americans survive.

Oh, gosh, I sure hope the white Americans survive.

This week, I’m not seeing The Transporter Refueled, which doesn’t even have John Cena (going by Jason Statham, for some reason) in it anymore.

OK, I guess they don't look that much alike, after all.

So I mixed up two bald dudes. Sue me.

Yeah, sorry, Jason Statham.

Although, actually, they really don’t look that much alike at all, do they?

I mean, at least the Mission Impossible series has the decency to keep casting Tom Cruise in ’em, instead of replacing him with some dude who looks just like him.

"But it would really boost my career!"

“But it would really boost my career!”

Also, I guess I’m just not that big into car chase movies where the ladies all throw themselves at the car driver movie, but he’s all stoic and blah blah blah, and in the end he saves the day, whatever.

And, FINE, I guess he doesn't look that much like Jason Statham either, whatever, I don't care anymore.

And, FINE, I guess he doesn’t look that much like Jason Statham either, whatever, I don’t care anymore.

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Could the Edge of Tomorrow be the best Tom Cruise movie EVER?

June 6, 2014 at 9:50 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, , )

Q. Why the Edge of Tomorrow?

A. Because if you have to see a Tom Cruise movie, it should be one where he dies over and over and over.

Edge of Tomorrow is a dumb name, but at least it's better than the novel that inspired it.

Edge of Tomorrow is a dumb name, but at least it’s better than the novel that inspired it.

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