So you think you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction: A modern teen’s guide

March 19, 2013 at 11:03 am (Top Ten) (, , , )

Lately, you’ve noticed your life is filled with grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, poor spelling and way more deviant fetishes than you’re used to. Does that mean you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction?

Almost certainly!

But to find out for sure, please use this handy guide as a reference.

1. Do you often get the feeling you’re a Mary-Sue type stand-in for someone else? Like, maybe you’re just an average girl with the character trait of “clumsiness” so people won’t think you’re perfect, but all the hot boys in town love you.

"You killed my father, prepare to die?"

“You killed my father, prepare to die?”

2.When people around you talk, do they often resort to overblown romantic cliches? Perhaps they say things like “You are my life now” or “I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”

Trick question! This just means you're hanging out with a sparkly vampire.

Trick question! This just means you’re hanging out with a sparkly vampire.

3. Are you having lots of kinky sex? Like, with dinosaurs and stuff?

This dinosaur thinks you probably shouldn't click that link.

This dinosaur thinks you probably shouldn’t click that link.

4. Alternately, are you having, like, no sex, because it’s important to wait? But it’s OK, because then he can watch you while you sleep and stuff, which is really romantic and not stalker-y at all.

Hey, it's cool if he's a vampire.

Hey, it’s cool if he’s a vampire.

5. Do you notice a distinct lack of punctuation when you talk, think or otherwise anything? I guess you could be in one of those “stream-of-consciousness” novels, but those are usually written by writers that can spell.

Good spelling aside, I really didn't enjoy this book.

Good spelling aside, I really didn’t enjoy this book.

6. On a related note, how is the spelling in your life? Sure, in everyday life, you’re bound to come across the bad speller here and there, but is, like, everything spelled wrong? Like, you can’t even seem to spell your own name the same way twice in one paragraph? And it’s not even a long paragraph, but a pretty short one?

7. But ignoring all the spelling and punctuation errors in fan fiction that drive me nuts, have you noticed another staple of a bad fanfic? That is, random characters showing up that have nothing to do with your life? Like, say, you live in Twin Peaks, and all of a sudden Bilbo Baggins shows up. With a velociraptor.

"For god's sake, don't click this link either!"

“For god’s sake, don’t click this link either!”

8. Or do people who would never ever have sex with each other start having sex with each other? Because that happens a lot in fan fiction, which is why slash fiction exists.

9. Perhaps you’ve noticed people wearing tee-shirts extolling the virtues of the poorly-written fan fiction you’re trapped in. Don’t they realize you’re suffering?

When Twilight fan fiction is best-selling novels, we all suffer.

When Twilight fan fiction is best-selling novels, we all suffer.

10. Seriously, though, do you have a hard time telling if you’re trapped in a poorly-written fan fiction or if you’re just a character in Twilight? Eh, let’s split the difference. You’re probably trapped in 50 Shades of Grey.

Dear God, if you are a loving God, when they make this movie (and they WILL make this movie), please don't let them cast any actors I like. Amen.

Dear God, if you are a loving God, when they make this movie (and they WILL make this movie), please don’t let them cast any actors I like. Amen.

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Now I have to be THAT guy

February 1, 2013 at 10:45 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

So I saw Warm Bodies (the book) laying on the table at the bookstore. I picked it up and perused the back cover.

I'd've perused the front cover, but it was kind of off-putting.

I’d’ve perused the front cover, but it was kind of off-putting.

A zombie romance? Man, I liked zombies before they were cool.

(I kind of hate myself.)

Warm Bodies, a zombie romance, has been made into a movie. Apparently, it’s something like a parody of Twilight, which seems silly to me, because why bother to parody something that’s already a parody of writing to begin with?

Also, does anybody else think Edgar Allen Poe would be so happy right now. "What's this? Necrophilia is cool now? Huzzah!"

Seriously, though, it just seems like all you’d need to do is point at Twilight and laugh.

Anyway, it’s the epic love story between Beast from X-Men: First Class, aka a zombie who only remembers his first initial: R, and a living human girl named Julie. R and Julie, if you didn’t get the reference. Also, a link if you really didn’t get the reference.

Plus this photo, for if you're too lazy to click the link: It's Romeo and Juliet, you guys. Romeo and Juliet!

Plus this photo, for if you’re too lazy to click the link: It’s Romeo and Juliet, you guys. Romeo and Juliet!

And somehow, because Beast from X-Men has feelings now, all the rest of the zombies start having feelings, except for the zombies who are skeletons, because people are so delicious. (A side note: ignoring the fact that why should dead things want to eat anything to begin with, why would skeletons want to eat anything? They don’t have stomachs anymore, or taste buds, or throats or anything. So they just gnaw at you because why the hell not??) So then it’s the humans and the nice zombies vs. the skeleton zombies, and it actually looks kind of funny.

Well, except for when they go for the really obvious jokes, of course.

Well, except for when they go for the really obvious jokes, of course.

But that doesn’t matter, because I am so over zombies now.

I liked them before they were cool.

But not well enough to hang up any stupid posters in my home, thank God.

But not well enough to hang up any stupid posters in my home, thank God.

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Holy God, there’s another one?

November 16, 2012 at 11:07 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

I seriously thought we were done with Twilight movies. I truly thought that the series ended when Whatsername married Whatsisname and they had a magical vampire baby.

And they named it Renesmee?
I guess that’s better than “Satin,” but COME ON.

(Also, it kills me that I know some of the plot points of this series, because I’m sure I could be using that part of my brain for something useful instead, like remembering how to calculate the radius of a circle or something.)

Wait, THAT’S the radius? That’s probably easier to figure out than I thought.

So imagine my surprise to learn that another Twilight movie opens this weekend.

I wasn’t, however, surprised to learn that it looks just terrible.

And, I guess, the heroine is a vampire now? And everybody’s fighting bad CGI wolves, because werewolves and vampires are totally enemies, which I always forget, mostly because I don’t care.

Wait, maybe they’re friends now?

(Unfortunately, I’m not using the part of my brain that doesn’t remember that to solve for the area of a triangle or anything.)

Hollywood Hates Me: Now featuring geometry!

The moral of this post is DON’T GO SEE THE LAST TWILIGHT MOVIE. You are only encouraging them. If you go see the last Twilight movie, they will DEFINITELY MAKE 50 SHADES OF GREY INTO A MOVIE and you have no one but yourself and your soccer mom to blame.

Holy God, it’s a trilogy? I hate this world.

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50 Shades of you have got to be kidding me

June 13, 2012 at 4:01 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

So 50 Shades of Grey had pretty much flown under my radar for the longest time.

It’s just that I get my porn the old-fashioned way. You know, on the Internet.

But recently, it’s been unavoidable, and now I know that it exists. Which is fine and dandy, I guess, like what’s one more bestselling bondage novel in the world, right?

Except (EXCEPT!) that 50 Shades of Grey began its existence in this world as a Twilight fan-fic.

So what we have isn’t a bestselling bondage novel, it’s a bestselling Twilight fan-fic.

And that’s a problem. Because if there’s one bestselling Twilight fan-fic, others are sure to follow.

You are just encouraging them, American reading public, you bastards.

And I just want you to know I hate everyone for allowing that to happen.

Damn all of you, every one.

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Somehow, this is all my fault

June 1, 2012 at 9:24 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

I blame myself for this.

Wait, why is the chick from Twilight getting top billing over Charlize Theron?

It’s all because of that fictional character battle I did ages ago. I mean, I didn’t think anybody even read that thing!

But obviously, someone did.

And due to myself, someone decided to cast the chick from Twilight as Snow White.

Wow, that is … not a flattering angle for her.

(This is all my fault, isn’t it?)

Because here’s the thing: Snow White and the Huntsman looks pretty cool.

Actually, it looks really cool.

Evil queens turning into murders of crows!

Kind of playing on the whole Morrigan Celtic origins thing there.

Knights shattering into shards of black glass! Liquid mirrors like in The Invisibles and stuff!

I swear, I never knew what was going on in The Invisibles half to three-quarters of the time.

Cool, right?

But Snow White is the chick from Twilight. Snow White is the chick from Twilight! Snow White is the chick from Twilight!

Coincidentally enough, this also is not a good angle for her.

It’s like Hollywood took a bunch of awesome things (fairy tales, cool special effects, Thor) and then thought, man, if we actually release a good movie that people will WANT to see, what does that say about us?, so they had to shove the chick from Twilight right on in there.

Hey, wait a second … Are there ANY good angles for her?

Either that, or somebody read my blog.

And it’s all my fault.

I’ll never forgive myself.

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Bad Akira directors, bad!

November 16, 2011 at 1:14 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

So, apparently, the powers that be (moronic) want to cast Twilight’s Kristen Stewart as Kei in the live-action Akira movie. I’m starting to think that Hollywood actually is doing this on purpose, like make this movie just the worst movie it could possibly be because they know, no matter what they do, it will never live up to the original manga. Or anime, if you preferred it. So they’re all like, screw it, let’s cast the worst people ever and sit back and watch the otaku cry.

Chick best known for marrying a vampire playing badass rebel chick with psychic powers? Sure, I can totally see that not being a stretch for her. She's an actress!

Also, did you see they plan to make it a franchise?

Hollywood, what did I ever do to you to deserve this? What did we all do?

Somehow, we should have prevented this.

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So you think you’re dating a werewolf: a modern teen’s guide

July 23, 2010 at 11:59 am (Top Ten) (, , )

Nowadays, teens find themselves in relationships with all manner of mythical creatures, monsters and emo kids. But sometimes it’s hard to tell if your boyfriend is of a supernatural background or if he’s just plain hairy.

Thus, I have created this handy guide to help you find out if the boy you’re dating really is a werewolf or if he just wants an excuse to pee in your front yard.

1. There are two really obvious questions that we should just get out of the way first thing. Here is the first: Does your boyfriend change into a wolf with the full moon?

If the answer is yes, you are almost certainly dating a werewolf. I mean, really, it’s kind of obvious. Turning into a wolf is, like, the main symptom of being a werewolf. In case you weren’t sure.

Actually, it's pretty much the only symptom.

2. The second obvious question is this: Are you only dating him to get over your vampire ex-boyfriend?

If the answer to this question is yes, then there is no doubt about it: you are definitely dating a werewolf.

Now, perhaps we’re dealing in subtleties here. Perhaps you think he’s probably a werewolf, but you just don’t know. The rest of these questions will help you find out for certain: is he a werewolf?

3. You haven’t actually seen him transform, but you’ve noticed you’re not the only one who gets a bit beastly once a month.

Ha, ha, it’s a menstruation joke! Whoop!

Whoop!

Seriously, though, this isn’t conclusive evidence that your boyfriend is a werewolf. Some men react negatively to their girlfriends’ cycles.  Some only get paid once a month and get a little twitchy as they run low on funds. Some men are just plain bitches, and perhaps you should pay more attention the rest of the month.

4. He seems excessively hairy.

He could suffer from Hypertrichosis, which is romantically called werewolf syndrome, but involves less sexy shape-changing and more razor purchases.

If anyone calls him "the dog-faced boy" and he doesn't disembowel them, he's not a werewolf.

Either that, or you’re dating a Wookiee.

See if he'll give you Han's number.

He could be a werewolf, though.

5. Are you living in a gothic romance?

If you are living in a gothic romance and you are dating a guy you suspect is a werewolf, never fear. He’s not. He’s actually a “shifter,” which is what gothic romances call them nowadays.

Sure, it makes him sound a bit of a pussy and brings up the mental image of Marvel’s Morph, but you can be relieved that he’s not actually a werewolf.

It also brings up a Google image. Fancy that!

6. Does he show a strong aversion to silver?

Some people just don’t like silver. I don’t know why. To me, it’s better than gold because it goes nicely with black and white, and is less obtrusive with most shades of blue.

On the other hand, if he shows a strong aversion to silver bullets, he could be a werewolf, or just a rational-thinking human being who wants you to stop shooting me with silver bullets, dammit.

Seriously, why would you do that?

7. Has he pissed off any witches, shaman or anyone else with the ability  to place a curse on him?

A lot of people believe that people are turned into a werewolf via curse, which I think is silly, because it would be much worse if the curse turned your next-door-neighbor into a werewolf. Sooner or later, you know he’s coming for you.

At any rate, if your boyfriend has pissed off someone with magical abilities, there is the possibility he is a werewolf, but it’s just as possible they’ve decided to curse him with erectile dysfunction. It could really go either way.

8. Has he been bitten by a werewolf?

Maybe it was a real wolf. Is he showing symptoms of rabies? To the uneducated eye, rabies can appear a lot like lyncanthropy. Take him to the doctor. If they can cure him of his ailment with a series of painful shots to the abdomen, he’s not a werewolf. If, instead, he kills and eats the doctor, you have a whole ‘nother can of worms to deal with, including the possibility that he could be a werewolf.

9. Does he run around shirtless a lot?

Apparently werewolves do that.

Also: douchebags.

10. Is he overly protective of you when your vampire ex-boyfriend comes around?

Look, I thought I told you already, if you are dating a guy, any guy, after dating a vampire, he is clearly a werewolf and you are only using him to soothe your own hurt feelings. Clear up your guilty conscience, why not, and introduce him to your neighbor’s pretty Husky.

In the end, he's sure to thank you.

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Eclipse vs. The Last Airbender

July 1, 2010 at 11:56 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

This is a battle for suck.

Seriously.

I was kind of looking forward to The Last Airbender, even though I don’t actually watch the cartoon because the people I know who do watch the cartoon say it’s a good cartoon and they are (mostly) people whose judgment I trust. But then I saw M. Night Shyamalan’s name attached to it (and you know what? Seriously, frak that guy and his last name, you know? How many vowels does it need??), and I went, Oh, well, never mind. But then I saw a trailer with all sorts of fancy special effects and I went, well maybe. But then I saw a review. And another review. And another. And it only has six percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes? Hell, Hudson Hawk got 21 percent.

One review says "This is the worst movie you will see all year," which makes me think, actually, maybe you SHOULDN'T see it, and then the worst movie you see all year will have been a good movie.

I mean, who even lets M. Night Shyamalan direct movies anymore? Shouldn’t they have seen the massive suck coming?

Come on! The man wears a choker! He's clearly an ass.

And then there’s the third Twilight movie: Eclipse, which I hate on general principle. I mean, werewolves vs. vampires has been done before, and with way more full-body leather suits.

Although I just imagined some of the Eclipse cast in leather, and some synapses in my brain collapsed.

Plus: It’s the third Twilight movie. Even if it’s infinitely better than the first two (which reviews lead me to believe it is), it’s still not infinitely better enough. Mopey vampires, werewolves and the average girl torn between them just makes for a cupful of fun for teens, but not so much for me. (And hopefully not so much for teenagers I kind of respect, because seriously, you guys, find an author who can actually write and then read a supernatural love triangle. Christ.)

Kids, pick up a Maggie Stiefvater novel instead. She works a love triangle like you wouldn't believe, and she actually knows how to make the English language not suck.

So hopefully The A-Team is still playing, and we can all watch that again.

(It was good, right? People who saw it, please assure me that it was good.)

I mean, it couldn't be better than a little people A-Team, but it could be pretty damn good.

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Snow White vs. the chick from Twilight

February 8, 2010 at 4:43 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , )

Welcome to Valentine’s Week at Hollywood Hates Me! A week filled with posts about romance, love and all the other things that make Lokifire sick her pants. (Do you ever write a sentence and you think it makes sense, but later you think, maybe it didn’t?)

We’re starting off the week with a Fictional! Character! Battle!

Let me introduce it thusly:

I hate the princesses. I hate Disney. I double-hate the Disney princesses. And most especially of all, I hate the old-school Disney princesses, where it’s clear a group of balding men sat around a rectangle table and brainstormed ideas.

“Hey, Walt! What are women good at?”

“I don’t know, George. Housework and singing?”

“Housework and singing? By gum, Walt, that’s brilliant! No wonder we named the company after you!”

“I aim to please, George. Let’s get drunk!”

“Hell, Walt, I’m already drunk!”

Let's ALL get drunk!

I'm drunk too. Drunk on vampire love.

But do you know what I hate equally as much as crappy Disney princesses, especially the non-feminated ones? Frakking Twilight, that’s what.

(What do these ladies have to do with Valentine’s day? Romances, is what.)

On to the battle!

Physicality. Dammit, I’d been doing so good for a while there, but I’m back to spelling physicality psychality on the first try. Hell, I’m not even sure I spelled it right now. This sucks. Anyway, Snow White is a pasty white Disney princess. Her description is as follows: “skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as black as something that’s really black.” I might or might not have made part of that up. The chick from Twilight is called Bella something, and the actress who plays her is pretty, I guess. Winner? The actress who plays the chick from Twilight.

I mean, she's no Sarah from "Chuck," but who is, right? Yvonne Strahavski, that's who.

Pastiest? Well, you’d think the chick from Twilight, who starts off dating a vampire and is later turned into a vampire, as far as I know, would be all sorts of pasty, but she’s more like sparkly instead. Snow White has skin as white as snow, so she’s probably an albino. Winner? Snow White.

And I don't feel complete unless I'm baking. Baking and singing!

Clumsiest? Apparently, the chick from Twilight couldn’t be perfect or teen audiences would find her patently fake. Whatever. Anyway, so she’s clumsy. Which is a total imperfection, like being selfish or somewhat stupid or something. Double whatever. Snow White is also clumsy, as she’s always tripping and falling as she’s fleeing in terror from evil witches and huntsmen with axes who are trying to cut out her heart. But it’s not a supposed character trait, I guess, so, winner? The chick from Twilight.

Is a liberated woman? Snow White sings a song called “Someday My Prince will Come.” She cleans house for seven really short fellows. She sings some more. Maybe that passed for liberated back in the day, but I don’t know. The chick from Twilight dates a vampire, which already has Snow White beat, even if that vampire is a damned mopey bastard. Winner? The chick from Twilight.

“I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that”? In the chick from Twilight’s case, “that” is “have sex before marriage,” because it is a sin and it is wrong, and married sex with one person for the rest of your life which will be extremely long now that you’re an immortal vampire is totally satisfying. In Snow White’s case, “that” is whatever the opposite of “get married before learning the prince’s name is.” I guess “not learning the prince’s name.” Whatever. Winner? Errrr, I’m not really sure how I’m rating this category. I guess the chick from Twilight wins, because at least she knew something about her husband, like maybe he was a good kisser or at least his name before they went all happily ever after.

Has a cooler alternate self in comic books? Hey! Do you know what’s a really good comic book series? Fables. Fables is a really good comic book series. That Snow White is awesome and smart and I would totally want to hang out with her. If the chick from Twilight has an alternate comic book self, I’m sure it is exactly the same as the book/movie version of chick from Twilight, because why mess with a winning formula, you know? Winner? Snow White.

I mean, she marries the Big Bad Wolf, for the love of Bruce Campbell. That's way cool.

In a story with more blood? You know, you’d think the chick from Twilight, what with being in a vampire story, would win this category. Well, you’ve never met the Grimm brothers, who were like the Michael Bays of their time, with all the blood and gore and giant robots in their fairy tales. (What, you’ve never heard of “The Giant Robot and the Pea”?) I mean, Snow White opens with her birth mother bleeding all over something. That’s just the beginning! It only gets more violent from there! It ends with the wicked queen being made to dance in fire-hot shoes unto her death. UNTO HER DEATH! Winner? Snow “Violent is my middle name” White.

Doesn’t encourage people to “read.” I have a coworker who thinks the Twilight series is a good thing because it encourages people to read. My stance on that is that utter shite doesn’t count as reading. This blog counts though. But who has ever sat through a Disney flick and wondered, “Hey, do you suppose the original has more blood?” Nobody! Winner? Snow White.

This is from a pretty cool series of photos, so I thought I'd just shove it in right here.

Now it’s a tie! I did that on purpose.

The tie-off? Why bother? I hate them both.

Oh, come on. Fine.

To break the tie between these two characters that I did on purpose, whose boyfriend is more of a cliche? Oh, Lord, you had to go there, didn’t you. On the Snow White hand, you’ve got “Prince Charming,” which is such a cliche I don’t even need to tell you that it’s a cliche, your inner cliche-dar went off all beep beep beep as soon as it read the Ch in Charming. On the chick from Twilight hand, you’ve got a brooding vampire. ALSO a horrible stereotype. However, one that’s been in existence slightly less long than “Prince Charming.” Winner? Snow White.

Overall winner? Snow White. Mostly because of Fables, though. Possibly “Snow White: A Tale of Terror” a little bit, too.

Sigourney Weaver makes everything better.

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Are you dating a vampire? A modern teen’s guide.

December 22, 2009 at 12:50 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , )

Look, I know I pick on Twilight mercilessly, but you know what? It’s really easy and I’m the lazy sort.

Here’s 10 ways to tell if the guy you’re dating is a vampire or not.

1. Does he watch you while you sleep?

... or is he watching THE CAMERA?

Are you sleeping in the same bed and you fell asleep before him? He’s probably not a vampire.

Did he sneak into your house to watch you sleep? He’s a stalker, but he could also be a vampire.

Before he sneaked into your house to watch you sleep, did he have to be invited inside? He could be a vampire, but he could also be a stalker with some OCD tendencies.

Is he watching you sleep while he’s floating near your ceiling? Congratulations! You’re either on the moon, or you’re dating a vampire.

2. Does he hate sunlight?

Also, if he looks like this and he hates sunlight, yeah, you're dating a vampire.

Does he have that one disease where people are allergic to sunlight? He’s not normal, and you’re doomed to a dim lifestyle, plus he probably isn’t otherwise too particularly healthy, but he’s not a vampire.

Does he freckle easily? He could just be normal and embarrassed.

Does he wear black a lot and sunglasses at night? If he’s also wearing more lipstick than you, he is probably a goth and not a vampire at all. (Are there still goths anymore? Kids nowadays, I swear.)

Does he sparkle in the sunlight? He’s not a vampire, he’s a glam rocker.

Does he burst into flames when sunlight strikes his body? Congratulations! Get that boy under a blanket stat, you’re dating a vampire!

3. When you ask how he knew where to find you, does he say things like, “I could smell you”?

Smells like ... (insert witty joke here).

Have you considered bathing more frequently? Or perhaps it’s your excessive perfume.

Does he have a hyperactive sense of smell? You will never sneak a silent fart past this guy.

Maybe he’s actually a werewolf? Could be.

Did he actually say “I could smell your blood”? And then he described how your blood smelled and got this crazy look in his eyes, tried not to drool and moaned, “I can’t help myself”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.

4. Does he recoil at the sight of a crucifix?

GAAAAAHHH! The swirls! They burn! They BURN!!

Did he grow up in an uber-religious house? He could just be experiencing some sort of religious backlash.

Is the crucifix a little on the gaudy side? Perhaps he’s just showing good judgment.

Is he Jewish? You might want to ask if he’s Jewish. It will save you Christmas-related embarrassment.

As he recoils from said crucifix, does he also hiss and cover his face and possibly turn into smoke? Congratulations! Either this guy takes his atheism seriously, or you’re dating a vampire!

5. Does he have a large family and none of them look very much alike?

Of course, in Hollywood, EVERYONE looks alike. It's the law.

Is he adopted? He could be adopted. If he is, does he know he’s adopted? You might have to be the one to break the news.

Is he a damn hippie? Damn hippies oftentimes think of mankind at large as their “family.” (Dump him! Damn hippies!)

I hate to put it indelicately like this, but was his mom a slut? I mean, she could have 10 different baby daddies, and that could explain why none of his siblings look like him.

Does his “family” all talk about blood a lot and “keeping our true identities secret” and sometimes they talk about the Civil War like they were there and then be like, “Oops, I mean I read that in a history book!” and get all fidgety and awkward? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.

6. Does he mention “lost loves” in a melancholy way?

Actually, my lost love looked EXACTLY like you. How's that for a coincidence, huh? I mean, it's coincidental! Totally!

Is he a bit of a drama queen? He could just be a drama queen.

Is he your history teacher? Your parents should probably be informed.

Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? Maybe they were really awful and he just wants to pretend they’re decades-long dead.

Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? And they actually are? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, because an android wouldn’t be so damned sentimental.

Plus, he'd shoot you soon as look at you.

7. Does he drink a red liquid out of a wine goblet, but won’t let you have any?

Oh, for the love of --! It's spilling all over!

Is it wine? Maybe you act like a big goober when you’re drunk.

Is it blood? He could have some sort of fetish, like those glam rockers I mentioned earlier.

Is it blood and he gets weak and withers away if he doesn’t have a glass of it every night? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, or an actor who’s taken “The Method” to extremes.

8. Has he bitten you?

OK, ewwww, your boyfriend is SO undead.

Have you tried relaxing a little? Some people find that sort of thing erotic.

Have you told him you don’t find it erotic and he does it anyway? He’s a jerk, and he’s hoping you’ll bite him back.

Has he tried not biting you, but then says something about how he can feel your blood and it’s like the heavens and earth colliding and then he’s at your neck like some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire! (Or some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech.)

9. Did he go see Twilight with you?

You didn't think it might make him a LITTLE uncomfortable?

Does he want in your pants really bad? Seriously, why would you make your boyfriend go to Twilight with you? I think you’re the asshole in this scenario.

Is he gay? My best gay friend always wants to see romantic comedies, which is why we never go to the movies together.

Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!”? He could just be a purist.

Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!” and then follow it up with, “Er, not that I would know or anything, because I’m just your average, everyday guy.”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire who is also a bad liar.

10. Does nothing kill him except a stake through the heart?

Is he Michael Myers? The stake probably won’t work either. Nothing kills that guy.

Is he Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop? Don’t worry, he’ll die in the series finale.

You’ve got to ask yourself, why are you staking this guy through the heart? If the answer is “Because he’s a vampire,” then congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.

Nah, that's just how I dump people.

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