Want, want, want this
By which I mean, I want both this Twin Peaks Bento and Kyle MacLachlan hanging out at my house in an apron.
My current favorite coworker
… is the one who added the Twin Peaks theme to the playlist at work.
I’m sure she’ll piss me off again soon, but for now, I think she’s GREAT.
A love letter to Audrey Horne
Dear Audrey Horne,
You are my perfect girl. You’re the kind of girl that, were we to hook up, people would look at us together and be all: “Man, why is Audrey Horne slumming so hard?”
“Just working out some self-esteem issues. You know.”
And that is my dream, Audrey Horne. To be the girl that people would slum for. Or slum with. Or whatever is grammatically correct.
“I’d say I care, but I’m really slumming here.”
Because, Audrey Horne, I mean, you’re beautiful, right? You’re so beautiful. You’re short, dark and gorgeous. I could look at you for hours, I swear.
Or, you know, days, probably.
And, Audrey Horne, you are, like, so rich. I mean, just so rich. You’re even richer than my rich relatives, who are currently building a house with four fireplaces, like I live in a place that doesn’t even have one fireplace, I can’t imagine being rich enough to have four! And you are richer than that!
I wish I had a fireplace. I’m just so damn chilly all the time.
Also, you have great taste in men, because, like me, you believe that Agent Dale “Coop” Cooper is the perfect boy, and the last few episodes of Twin Peaks never happened, no dating guys who tuck their sweaters into their pants for you.
Although I kind of feel like if Coop was so great, he would have waited for you and then hooked up like mad.
So look me up, Audrey Horne! Or I’ll look you up! Or I’ll watch the new Twin Peaks, but probably not, because it seems like such a bad idea, I don’t know.
I mean, Season Two got just soooo terrible, and nostalgia isn’t a good enough reason to bring back a TV show, I’m looking at you, The X-Files, but maybe it’ll be good, I can’t decide….
Anyway, you’re gorgeous! Love you!
And might I reiterate: Stupid Coop. Stupid, stupid Coop.
What’s with the log, lady?
So a thing I didn’t know was the name of the actress who played Twin Peaks’ “The Log Lady.”
I also don't know the character's name, but Log Lady is good enough for the internets!
And now I know it, so I guess today was a fulfilling day after all. Her name is Catherine E. Coulson, and you have never seen her in anything un-Twin Peaks-related.
And possibly not even in Twin Peaks, what is WRONG with you?
Well, unless you saw, perhaps, the 1974 film The Amputee (she played an amputee), or ’82’s Trick or Treats or ’91’s Femme Fatale.
What is it with the Lynch family and people with amputated limbs?
But you didn’t see those, nor did you see the made-for-TV movie Ring of the Musketeers, which actually looks like comic gold, you guys, it has David Hasselhoff and Cheech Marin in it! As musketeers!
Musketeers who raided your high school theater's wardrobe!
Also, you didn’t see the 1994 indie film The Secret Life of Houses because it sounded like an architecture documentary, nor did you see the TV movie The Four Diamonds. And I can certainly tell you that, during her 15-year break from television and film lasting until 2009 (when she returned with a role in Calvin Marshall, another movie you likely didn’t see), unless you went to a lot of theater in the Pacific Northwest, you did not see Catherine E. Coulson at all.
The good news is that she did appear in that episode of Psych that had a bunch of Twin Peaks alums as “Wood Woman,” which is so awesome you just don’t even know.
I mean it. You just don't even know.
Another thing you might not have known about Catherine E. Coulson is that she was married to Jack Nance, and is now married to a rabbi.
I didn't even bother googling the rabbi. Enjoy this image of Jack Nance from Eraserhead.
And that is it for things that I know about Catherine E. Coulson.
Another missing Twin Peaks alum: found!
So, Sherilyn Fenn, right?
Riiiiiiight.
So pretty, right?
She's got this whole "ingenue" thing going on, don't you think?
And crazy, too, right? I mean, in the “actress who prefers independent films to actually making money” sense of the word. I mean, sure, it’s an art, but what do you do when you can’t afford cocktail wieners, Sherilyn? What do you do then????
Do you sneak into receptions after funerals to get your cocktail wiener fix? Because I've heard that works.
Anyway, Sherilyn Fenn’s career peaked in the early ’90s with her role as Audrey Horne on Twin Peaks. (Because I say it peaked then, that’s why.) What has she been up to since then? Well, to find out, first we need to take a look at her past. (Because I say we do, that’s why.)
I just want you to know that she still looks absolutely awesome.
Fenn’s career began with a role in 1984’s Wild Life, which I want you to know starred Chris Penn, Eric Stoltz and Rick Moranis, making it the most ’80s movie I’ve never heard of. Also, I feel like here is as good a place as any to insert that when she was born in 1965, her name was Sheryl Ann.
Errr, close, but no cigar.
Her next appearance was in the made for TV movie Silence of the Heart, which I think I actually watched at a friend’s house, and is about a guy named Skip who killed himself. Probably because his name is Skip, because who would want to live saddled with that moniker?
She appeared on an episode of Cheers in the ’80s, and was in 1987’s Zombie High as Suzi “with an i.” (I don’t know if she actually ever said that, but you would have to assume she must’ve.) Also in the ’80s, she was an an Afterschool Special (remember those things? Whatever became of them?) And also something called True Blood, which has nothing to do with HBO’s gothic vampire series. Her career plodded along briefly along those lines until boom! David Lynch put her in Twin Peaks. (And her career peaked, as I already mentioned.)
Even if they did throw in some lame romantic subplot for her once it became clear she and Kyle MacLachlan hated each other's guts.
(Actually, he had previously worked with her on Wild at Heart, but since her role was “Girl in accident,” I wasn’t sure if that was worth mentioning.)
Things continued to look bright for Fenn in the early ’90s, with roles in Of Mice and Men and … Boxing Helena, which was Jennifer Chambers Lynch’s directorial debut and possibly her attempt to out-crazy her father.
So you don't waste your time: Apparently, the twist is that the whole thing is a dream and you just watched a movie about a woman getting her legs and arms amputated that didn't actually happen, joke's on you, sucker!
In retrospect, taking that role may have been a mistake, as she followed it up with 1993’s Three of Hearts (not worth explaining) and Fatal Instinct, one of those spoofs that wasn’t as funny as Airplane!. (That’s all of them, by the by.)
For what it's worth, in 1995, she did play Elizabeth Taylor, which I can't imagine is as cool as BEING Elizabeth Taylor, but it's close.
Some TV movies here, small roles on Friends there, until Rude Awakening, a sitcom that ran between 1998 and 2001, and that I have never heard of until just this very moment. Anyway, Fenn starred in that, so bully for her! More TV movies and guest roles followed, including one on Law & Order: SVU in 2002, because CSI: NY wasn’t around yet, I guess, and later one on NCIS, because go to hell CSI: Miami! Also, and I think this is great, she played Dr. Harleen Quinzel in the unaired pilot of Birds of Prey, a role later co-opted by previous Whatever Happened to …? Mia Sara! Worlds collided! Boom!
Maybe they got rid of her because Mia Sara made a better blonde?
In 2003, she was in something called Dream Warrior, which I’m only including because the title makes me laugh a little, and 2004 saw her in a role in the TV movie Mr. Ed. Yes, about the talking horse. She had a recurring role on David E. Kelley’s Boston Public and finally did get that role on CSI: Miami in 2006. Hell, she was even on Gilmore Girls, a show I never watched. She also had a role on House, but by then they were really focusing on that damn Olivia Wilde’s boring character instead of Hugh Laurie, so I didn’t see it.
I don't care how cool the promo art is, you have broken my heart, House, and I refuse to watch you anymore.
And most recently, she was on that episode of Psych that featured the cast of Twin Peaks, and God bless her for it.
We all need to eat sometimes, Sherilyn. Nobody blames you.
I just hope Piper Laurie is still alive, God rest Leslie Nielsen’s soul
So I had already planned to do a “Whatever Happened to …” Piper Laurie today, and then I saw that Leslie Nielsen died, and I cursed Thanksgiving, the murdering bastard that it is. (Seriously, check your local papers the weekend/week after Thanksgiving. There’s a definite increase in obituaries, and I say that as someone who input 25 obituaries today.) So I just sat back, crossed my fingers and said, “Man, I hope Piper Laurie’s not dead too.”
*Sniff*
And she’s not! (Yet.) (Stupid murderous Thanksgiving.)
Or, as I like to call it, "The Turkey's Revenge."
If you’ve never heard of Piper Laurie, you are either a teenager or dead. The woman’s been starring in movies and television series since the 1950s. But after Twin Peaks, I really lost track of her.
I totally measure your level of fame/awesomeness by your appearances on Twin Peaks.
Apparently, I was dead, because she’s been really, really busy.
I also forgot she played Carrie's mom in Carrie, so you see how I am.
(I’m sorry, Piper Laurie! It’s just that I don’t get out to the movies very often, and I hardly ever watch anything that’s not Chuck!)
If you take a peek at the talented Ms. Laurie’s IMDB page, you will see her list of roles after Twin Peaks is a lot longer than most Twin Peaks’ alums ENTIRE list of roles, because the world at large agrees she is awesome.
And eternally elegant.
Some highlights include a role in something called Wrestling Ernest Hemingway in 1993, which I can only hope was about real wrestling and not metaphorical wrestling, and, knowing Papa H., probably was. She was in a couple of episodes of ER in the mid-1990s as someone named Sarah Ross, which makes me think she probably played George Clooney’s mother, which would be, also, awesome.
She’s had guest roles in Diagnosis Murder, Touched by an Angel, Frasier and Cold Case (but not L&O:SVU, because L&O:SVU is not as awesome as Cold Case. (I assume, I mean, I’ve never even heard of Cold Case until now, but they got Piper Laurie and that other show didn’t.))
More recently, she was in something called Bad Blood … the Hunger, because why not, you know? Her most recent role is in the film Art’s Demise, which comes out in 2011, and also has another awesome actor, Harry Dean Stanton and also that guy who cut off the cop’s ear in Reservoir Dogs. So that looks promising.
Harry! Dean! Stanton!
So, in conclusion, Piper Laurie is still alive and has been acting her little tail off, and I guess I need to watch some movies or something. Oh, and also, I didn’t know she was born as Rosetta Jacobs, I always figured it was Laurie Piper or something. Or that she’s Hugh’s auntie.
Which makes my love of Hugh Laurie burn all the brighter.
Oh, you guys, I have the best news!
Are you sitting down? I hope you’re sitting down. Because if you’re not sitting down, you’re standing up (or possibly lying down, I guess, or propped up against something, or maybe even curled up in the fetal position), which makes working at the computer difficult.
(By “working at the computer,” rest assured that I mean “reading my blog.”)
Here's a helpful picture demonstrating exactly HOW to sit when reading my blog. Prepare yourself for the comfort!
OK, so are you sitting down now?
Are you ready? Are you totally ready? I know that you think you’re ready, but maybe you’re not ready. In fact, you’re almost certainly not ready for the wave of awesome that I am about to unleash on you.
Are you ready?
USA’s Psych has an upcoming epsiode featuring — are you sure you’re ready for this? Because this is so awesome, you don’t even know! — the entire cast of Twin Peaks!
Yeah, that show with the guy and he's the fake psychic and he totally solves crimes!
OK, maybe they didn’t say “entire.” Maybe they just said “cast.” But they definitely said the “of Twin Peaks” part.
I haven't been this excited since Laura Palmer's funeral!
I know, it’s OK. I wet myself a little too, when I heard.
Isn’t this just the best news ever? Right? Anyone?
Jeremy, you care, right?
I want to sic No One Cares Bear on the Care Bears and see if the universe implodes or something.
Actually, my Twin Peaks crush is now on Sheriff Truman
Sure, I have a deep and abiding love for Agent Cooper, but it borders more on worship than “hey, let’s stay in and watch an action film tonight.” That, and he’s hella crazy.
I love ya, Coop, but you're not exactly the poster child for "well balanced."
(People have stopped saying “hella” now, haven’t they.)
Which is why I began looking at Sheriff Harry S. Truman and his head of lush curls with a more discerning eye.
I mean, Jesus! Look at all that hair!
And it’s also why, when I turned off the last episode of Twin Peaks, I said, “Huh. What’s Michael Ontkean, also known as Sheriff Harry S. Truman, up to nowadays?”
And did they let him keep the hat? I hope they let him keep the hat.
(I seriously said that.)
(I wish I had someone to talk to.)
In learning what he’s up to nowadays, I learned a few things about what he was up to thenadays, like he was a hockey player, which I totally didn’t realize, because his teeth looked to be in pretty good shape, ha, ha, ha.
Like many Twin Peaks alums, or at least the one I’ve looked up so far, Ontkean began his career as a child actor, with a role as “Jeremy” on a 1950s TV series called “Hudson’s Bay,” which I have just now heard of. Then there’s an 11-year gap (during which I can only assume he focused on hockey and/or masked vigilanteism) before his role as “Man” on Ironside, which is probably a TV show about a boat, but I’m going to pretend is about robots.
Big robots.
His big break came with 1977’s Slap Shot, in which he played a hockey player and sat next to Paul Newman in a scene or two.
Boom. Right next to Newman.
He did some more stuff that I’m not even going to pretend to have heard of/care about, and finally it was the ’90s and Twin Peaks was birthed from David Lynch’s brain like some sort of crazed Athena.
OK, MORE crazed.
Ontkean wowed audiences by acting like he was in love with Josie Packard, who was dreadfully played by Joan Chen. (As an aside, it took me until this most recent re-watching of Twin Peaks to finally decide that it is not that Josie Packard is a horrible actor, but that Joan Chen is.) Also, he put up with Cooper’s mystic bullshit like a champ. Also, he had that gorgeous head of hair.
I mean, she was really, really bad. Really.
And, of course, like other former Twin Peaks stars, Ontkean went on to have a productive and fulfilling career in … wait, where did he go for the last two decades, anyway?
Somewhere there are no cameras, apparently, because this picture of him is the only recent photo I could find.
Well, immediately after Twin Peaks, he did some TV movies, including one called Legacy of Lies (1992), which was probably some incest story or something. Also another one called The Stepford Husbands (1996), because no one has come up with an original idea since Twin Peaks apparently. In the late ’90s, he had a role in Disney’s Summer of the Monkeys, which, shame on me, I assumed was a horror film like Dawn of the Dead, but is apparently a family-friendly flick. About monkeys.
What's family friendly about monkeys, the little shit-slinging hellbeasts?
Then it was on to more made-for-TV movies, like 2002’s A Killing Spring and guest appearances on the Outer Limits. Which actually happened before A Killing Spring, so I wrote that sentence totally out of chronological order.
He was also involved in this horror, which, if I have to see the image, YOU have to see the image.
From 2004 to 2005, Ontkean played Gordon Matthews on North Shore (some sort of romance drama), which doesn’t even get his name listed above Shannon Doherty’s on North Shore’s IMDB page. That makes me sad. In 2008, he was in the short-lived comedy Sophie, which I’ve never actually heard of before now. (OK, actually, everything on his resume, except for Twin Peaks, I’ve never heard of before now, even that hockey movie with Newman.) His most recent IMDB entry is as Cousin six in a movie in post-production called The Descendants, which makes me hope he’s making a real living coaching hockey or something, because that six is totally not capitalized.
He currently lives in Hawaii, so there’s hope for a guest shot on Hawaii Five-O, which I assume won’t be canceled despite CBS’ insistence on keeping Daniel Dae Kim fully clothed.
Bastards.
Twin Peaks marathon: over
So I finally finished re-watching every episode of Twin Peaks, even the really, really crappy ones at the end.
Although David Duchovny's turn as a transvestite was worth tuning in for.
And when it was all over, one thing stuck in my craw.
Why did they let Shelly Johnson compete in the Miss Twin Peaks pageant?
"Because she's hot" is too obvious. Shut up.
Shelly Johnson is the wife of Leo Johnson, which makes her a married woman, which makes her a Mrs., which makes her ineligible! If it was open to married women, shouldn’t they call it the Ms. Twin Peaks pageant?
And I know that shouldn’t bother me so much, especially when there are far more major annoyances to consider, like: why did they throw Heather Graham into the show at the last minute as a love interest for Dale Cooper?
Damn Coop's stupid honor, Kyle Maclachlan, you could've had this!
Seriously: why?
I mean, who could fake chemistry with THAT, Christ!
Why did Billy Zane’s character tuck his sweater into his pants (that were hooked with a belt)?
But now, my lifelong aversion to Billy Zane is finally explained!
Why was Sheriff Truman so easily satisfied with someone calling an attempt on his life a result of “sexual jealousy”?
Just because Coop says it doesn't mean it's true, Harry.
Why did Windom Earle suck so bad?
It was all the chess, wasn't it.
Why did the “man from another place” have such a horrible, horrible combover?
It's even worse in closeup.
How did Killer BOB possess Cooper?
An ex-boyfriend once told me it was because Coop faced the Black Lodge with imperfect courage, but there's a reason we broke up and it's because Agent Cooper is always perfect.
WHY DID I KEEP WATCHING THIS SHOW AFTER IT STARTED SUCKING, JESUS!
Get rid of Ray Wise and you get rid of the fun, say I.
Dana Ashbrook: up for a Twin Peaks reunion show?
So, trying out an experiment on this here blog. There’s a lot of actors/one-hit wonders/famous people that I’ve been wondering what became of them. Especially since I started re-watching Twin Peaks, because that show was apparently the death knell for a lot of actors. (Or was it? Pretty sure it was.)
Who killed ... our careers?
In these posts, I will address “Whatever Happened to …” so and so through some creative use of googling. (By creative, I mean typing in their names and reading some stuff about them. Possibly on wikipedia, which is always truthful because the general public edits it.) But hopefully, it will be more entertaining than reading their imdb page, because I aim to please. Myself, mostly, but hopefully my tens of readers as well.
So, let’s kick things off with our boy Dana Ashbrook, most famously known as Bobby Briggs on Twin Peaks.
Bobby's hairstyle has aged surprisingly well.
Dana Ashbrook’s career began in 1978, when he starred in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! as “Boy on Boat.” I guess “starred” might be too strong a word.
"Aaargh!..." indeed.
Anyway, he went on to be featured in shows like Cagney & Lacey, Knots Landing and 21 Jump Street, before landing the plum role of “Guy who makes out with Madchen Amick a lot” on Twin Peaks.
I'll bet that was rough.
After that, I thought he died or something, but it turns out he’s been keeping himself busy doing a bunch of things I don’t actually care about. He starred as Clyde in a TV movie version of Bonnie & Clyde, and he was on episodes of The Pretender (remember that show? Yeah, me neither.) and Charmed, and apparently had a recurring role on Dawson’s Creek.
Thanks, show, for bringing us Katie Holmes. Yes, show, that's sarcasm.
And of course he’s been on an episode of Law & Order: SVU, because who hasn’t at this point?
Also, he’s been playing “Jimmy” in the television series Crash, which I think was based on the movie Crash, but not the one about people who got aroused by car wrecks.
I'd probably watch it if it was the sex-filled one.
Also, imdb says: “In his spare time, he plays basketball and tennis. He is also an accomplished harmonica player.” So there’s that.
Nothin' sexier than playing the harmonica. Nope.
In conclusion, Dana Ashbrook is not dead, and is probably making a pretty decent living as an actor. Now you know, and I like quoting G.I. Joe. And rhyming. I like rhyming too.
See why I like men with good cheekbones? Their faces hold up over time.
Hollywood Hates Me 