It’s been a long time since I posted, but this will be so funny and totally worth it, I swear

November 10, 2020 at 9:08 am (Randomosity) (, , )

So I think the character it would really suck to be is that one guy in the horror movie.

The guy! You know, the guy!

This guy maybe? Man, image searches suck more than I remember!

Imagine this: You’ve been fighting an unimaginable horror for years. Decades even. Sure, you’re looking a little worse for the wear. Your teeth aren’t great. You’ve got crazy hair. Hell, you’ve got total crazy eyes! But, you know, it’s hard to get spa days when you are fighting unspeakable evil.

I was going to make a really clever Trump joke, but then I realized I didn’t want his face on my blog, so pretend there’s a hilarious image and caption here. I’m counting on you!

And you are at the top of your game. You are one badass mo-fi*!

*It’s short for “monster fighter” but also a play on “mofo.” You like it? You can have it, it’s totally a gift. I’ve got plenty of these!

This is you back in your early monster fighting days, you glorious creature!

And then they show up. These kids nowadays with their haircuts and their premarital sex and their wandering off into the dark alone and what even kind of music is that?

You photogenic little bastards, GET OFF MY LAWN.

And they take one look at you and decide you’re suspicious. Hell, you’re probably the weirdo responsible for killing the black guy or the sluttiest girl, whoever’s already dead by now.

But you, being the nice guy you are, explain the situation to them.

Sure, there’s maybe some ranting, possibly a bit of raving, but they have to know what sort of horrific monster they’re facing.

“And I swear to God, he will snap your spine and suck out your spleen while you’re still squirming!”

So, finally, they untie you or shake your hand or whatever the hell, and then boom! These idiots are attacked by the monster you’ve been battling. And the next thing you know, double boom! You’ve been decapitated or disemboweled or some godawful thing, and the kids are like “whoa man, that’s so gnarly,” and then they run away and end up beating the monster, leaving your corpse where it lies, to rot.

And that is the character I think it would suck to be.

Although you do get to have a flamethrower before you die horribly, that’s nice.

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