So I guess I didn’t realize it was already opening weekend for X-Men: Days of Future Past, because didn’t Godzilla just open last weekend? That seems like a lot of geek properties all at once, like, jeez, maybe space it out so we can save up our movie-going money, ’cause movies are expensive.
Anyway, it already is opening weekend, because if you’re going to spend a holiday weekend with your family, you might as well spend it at the movies, where you don’t have to talk with them.
Especially because holy cats look at all the mutants and Wolverine is time-traveling for some reason (truth-telling time here: I love comic books, but I’ve never been big on the superhero ones, so I didn’t even know it was supposed to be Kitty Pryde doing the time-traveling until I read complaints on other blogs) and Michael Fassbender is saying things and so is Ian McKellen, and also Patrick Stewart and the guy who plays young Patrick Stewart is there and — oooh, is that Blink? It is! It is Blink! — and Sentinels blowing shit up but good!
Anyway, don’t bother me this weekend, I’ve got some immense geeking out to do.
What with all the mutants out there, it’s hard to tell which one you’re dating. It could be anyone, really. But it’s probably Wolverine, because, man, does that guy get around.
But how can you be certain to a passably certain extent?
By checking out this handy-dandy guide, that’s how.
1. Is your boyfriend short and hairy?
But not too short and hairy.
2. Does he sometimes look like Hugh Jackman?
Who doesn’t want to date the Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
3. Does he still carry a torch for his old girlfriend?
Except she wasn’t really his girlfriend because she was engaged to this other guy, and then she died, and then she came back and … it’s complicated, okay?
4. Does he suffer from amnesia?
Not anterograde amnesia though. Just regular old retrograde amnesia?
5. Sometimes, when he’s alone in the bathroom, do you hear a sound like “Snikt”?
“What’s that, honey?” “Nothing! Leave me alone!”
6. Does he have a mutant healing power?
Also, he doesn’t age, like Elijah Snow, except less awesome?
7. How ’bout an adamantium skeleton? Has he got one of those?
“Dammit, I told the airport security already that I’ve emptied everything out of my pockets.”
8. Does he sometimes talk about his old girlfriend, the weather goddess chick?
Wolverine dated Storm, right?
9. When he goes places, like other comic book titles, does it automatically make them sell better?
Everybody loves Wolverine.
10. Last but not least, does he suffer a fatal weakness in battles against Magneto?
Unless it’s one of those times when adamantium is a magical metal that Magneto can’t affect?
So, last night, I dreamed that I was hanging out with Wolverine and we went out on this covert assassination mission and I woke up all disappointed, like: My friends never invite me out on covert assasination missions.
Dear Wolverine (Hugh Jackman version),
I love you.
Well, not really in the romantic sense, or the “got to know him and thought he was really neat” sense. More in the “holy shit, look at those arms!” sense.
So, I guess, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman version), what I’m saying is I lust after you. Especially your arms, because they are amazing. Your arms are like if the best-written poetry in the world was hot. Maybe that simile doesn’t work for you. It probably shouldn’t because it’s completely nonsensical, but everything else I thought of was beyond sacriligeous and I figure, why tempt God more than I already have, you know?
Anyway, Wolverine, I just want you to know I have watched nearly every movie you’ve been in, even the third X-Men movie, because the first two were really good and I didn’t realize that the third would be such a steaming pile. I didn’t watch that prequel, though, despite the trailers showing you murdering the hell out of a helicopter.
It’s not because I don’t love you. It’s just that I don’t love you quite that much, I guess.
Also, like I said before, it’s less love and more lust, so you can see why I didn’t want to submit myself to the pain.
(Although I do think Liev Schreiber is awesome.)
(And helicopter murder is also awesome.)
(Well, not in real life, because there’s probably innocent people in there, but it makes for a cool effect in a movie.)
Also, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman version), thanks to my viewing of three out of four of your films and my scant knowledge of your comic book counterpart, I am aware that every woman you love comes to a bad end.
And I just want you to know that that’s okay. I mean, you read that thing above about me tempting God, right? I’m pretty much guaranteed a bad end as it is, so I might as well go out in style.
(Was that too subtle? I hope it wasn’t too subtle.)
Just think about it, that’s all I’m saying.
In honor of Heroes’ Claire bellyflopping even further into BORING at the season finale, I introduce this fictional character battle.
It’s got Wolverine in it, so I expect this site to rocket to popularity, because Wolverine makes things do that.
Sure, one’s a grizzled Canadian with a leather suit and adamantium claws and one’s a cheerleader who’s dabbled in lesbianism, but they do have one thing in common. Angst. Oh, wait, two things: Angst and the ability to heal from any sort of injury, up to and including ones that cause immediate and utter death.
Let’s get down to it, then.
Physicality. Cheerleader Claire is a cute and perky blonde cheerleader. Some people are into that sort of thing. Wolverine has crazy hair and is short. Except in the movies, where he is portrayed by Hugh Jackman, which means Wolverine wins. Winner? The Hugh Jackman version of Wolverine.
Makes things popular by their very presence? You wanna sell a Marvel comic book? Slap Wolverine on the cover. All he has to do is play a game of pool with Doop and boom! You’re set. Cheerleader Claire, on the other hand, had to resort to experimenting with lesbianism to get people to watch her crappy, crappy show. Winner? Wolverine.
Is a badass killer type? As far as I know, Cheerleader Claire hasn’t killed anybody. I don’t know because I only watched the first five or six episodes of Heroes, and skipped most of the Peter bits, because he is a damn wiener. So maybe Cheerleader Claire was murdering all sorts of people in those bits or since then, but I’m pretty sure not. Wolverine, on the other hand, is an assassin trying to make good. Usually by killing people, which kind of defeats the purpose. But they’re bad people! But purpose defeated. Anyway, winner? Wolverine.
Looks good in a cheerleader uniform? Let’s just assume this category is a gimme for Cheerleader Claire, because a Google search of “Wolverine cheerleader” only found me a picture of a stupid mascot that might or might not be an actual wolverine. In any case, it doesn’t look particularly good in its uniform. Winner? Cheerleader Claire.
Survived their own death? Yes, as a matter of fact. Clair had a thing sticking in her brain. Lead pipe, piece of dead tree, I don’t know. As soon as that came out, she closed up her open chest (autopsy, you know), and took off. Wolverine gets killed, like, every other issue of X-Men, and he’s just fine by the next. Winner? It’s a tie.
Hangs out with cooler people? As mopey as the damned X-Men are, they are nowhere near as mopey as the heroes in Heroes. Seriously, why do all these super-powered people have to be so angst-y??? Wah! I have an awesome superpower! Why is life so hard? Stop whining, you whiny little bitch superheroes. Winner? Wolverine, but only because that damn wiener Peter Petrelli is the whiniest wiener that ever whined. Or wienered. I hate you so much, Peter.
Has daddy issues? Hey! You know who has daddy issues? Cheerleader Claire does! Cheerleader Claire has daddy issues all over the place. She has them left and she has them right. So many daddy issues! Wolverine doesn’t even have one daddy, let alone two of them, like Claire does. Poor Wolverine. He must be so lonely. Winner? Cheerleader Claire.
Uses their healing power for good? Wolverine is trying to redeem himself for the whole super-assassin thing, so he hangs out with the goodiest goody superheroes known to Marvel comics. He does good deeds all over the place, like fighting Magneto, a guy who controls magnetism, with his adamantium (read as: metal) claws. Wolverine is not all that bright. Claire? Claire gets rescued a lot and recently belly-flopped from the top of a ferris wheel or something, I don’t know. I guess it’s good to reveal your superpowers to the world? Because they won’t want to dissect you or anything? Winner? It’s Wolverine. Claire’s pretty useless.
And, just because I hate Heroes SO MUCH, the final category is: Has adamantium claws? Wolverine has adamantium claws! He uses them for snikt! Cheerleader Claire has no claws, adamantium or otherwise, and thus does not snikt. Winner? Wolverine!
Overall winner? You bet your sweet caboose it’s Wolverine. What kind of geek would I be if Cheerleader Claire had a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this battle? A poor geek. A very, very poor geek indeed.
As a child, I played a game called “Superheroes” a lot. Basically, it involved my brother and I running around and hitting each other and saying, “No, I have lightning powers” or “No, I can phase through walls.”
The basic rule was: we weren’t supposed to have the same superpower as anybody else playing. This became problematic when our friends came over, because all the good powers got used up pretty fast. (Another rule was: you can’t be Superman, because that’s major unfair.)
Here’s some lame powers that if Stan Lee came up and was like, “Hey! Superpowers! You want some?”, I would have to be all: “No thank you, Mr. Stan Lee, a god among men, sir.”
1. Mind-reading. Sure, every X-man who can read your mind also has some telekinetic abilities as well, but before Jean Grey went all Dark Phoenix on our asses, she could do what? Bend spoons? And, if you’re the unfortunate X-man who can do naught but mind-read, you’re going to know the rest of your more ass-kicking teammates are thinking about how incredibly lame you are, and possibly how those pants emphasize your fat ass.
2. Time travel. There’s nothing wrong with traveling in time. In theory. But you put it into practice and what have you got? Hiro from Heroes, that’s what you’ve got! Always traveling to the past to try to fix things and making them lamer. Also traveling to the future to try to fix things and making them lamer. He might as well just stay in the present and be satisfied making it lame. Or start using his samurai sword! Jeez! Wait, what was my point here? Oh, yeah, my point was this: What good does it do you to be able to travel in time if you can’t do anything useful once you get to where you’re going, like fire laser beams from your eyes or something?
3. Invulnerability. Now, everybody wants to be Wolverine when they grow up. I mean, how cool is that? You’re a short Canadian with some supra-nasty hair, but the hot chicks still dig you, am I right, Storm and Jean Grey? Plus you’ve got the whole snikt! factor going. What could be better??! Errr, can you ever, you know, die? Wolverine’s been beat up pretty good and probably laying there with his legs in one pile and his torso in another and wishing for death, but he knows eventually, he’s going to have to drag his tattered remains back over to those legs and try to hook together. Plus, he’s lost everyone he ever loved because he is an unaging, undying freak. Thank god for that amnesia, or he’d be the mopiest X-man ever.
4. Whatever that power is that Dazzler has. Look, I don’t care how pretty the sparkly lights are that you make with your synth-crap music, if your superpower requires your supermoniker to be “Dazzler,” you have been saddled with the lamest power of all.
5. Having giant wings. Sure, you can fly like the birds and all, but where the hell do you store those things? Also, are you any good in a fight now that you have ginormous wings? No, you are not. In fact, you’re a big, fat, winged target for the other supers with far, far superior superpowers. Frak you, giant wings.
6. Turning your body into ice. I’ve already given Iceman a hard time for this, and, really, kid should take a lesson from the far superior Elijah Snow on how to use his powers, but why, why, WHY would you want to turn your body into ice? It’s like, hey! What’s more breakable than the human body? Ooooh, ice! I know, I’ll turn into that!
7. X-ray vision. This power would be all right when combined with several other powers, such as super-strength to punch the hell out of the wall you just x-ray visioned through or the power of super-thievery, but on its own? Ooooh, I can see through stuff. Ooooh. (The “Oooohs” are sarcastic.)
8. Shrinking. Batman never said, “Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, so I shall shrink down to actual bat-size to fight them.” You know why he never said that? ‘Cause that’s stupid. Ant-man, Atom-man and the rest of you, sure you can get into places that the rest of your super-powered friends can’t, but those places aren’t very awesome anyway, plus, now a rat can kick your ass. So lame.
9. Invisibility. First off, you’ve got the whole “scientifically speaking, you’d actually be blind while you’re invisible,” but what does science have to do with superpowers? Nothing. So, anyway, you’re invisible. Now what? Are you stronger? Faster? Shooting laser beams from your eyes?? No? In fact, you’re more likely to get hit by friendly fire now that your teammates can’t see you? How useful! I mean, c’mon, they didn’t give Sue Storm the ability to make force fields somehow because being invisible is so awesome.
10. Being Aqua-man. Hey! Guys! Wanna fight me?! Come get me! Yeah! Come in the water! Where the sea creatures do my bidding! Come on! What are you, chicken? You’re chicken, aren’t you? You know, we call dolphins the “chicken of the sea”! Or is that tuna? Anyway, c’mon! Let’s go! Just hop in the water! We’ll fight! I’ll whomp you good! Just hop in the water! Hey! No! Stop walking away! Stop! Walking! Away!