Hey, guess what’s opening this weekend?!
ZOMMMMMBIIIIIESSSSS!
That’s right, it’s Zombieland! Zombieland is a movie about (I assume) a land filled with zombies and Woody Harrelson. I’m just kidding. I’m not assuming that. I know it from the trailer.
I also know from the trailer that an older lady kills a zombie by having a piano fall on its head, which is the most awesome thing I have ever seen, except for the Dead Snow Trailer part where the Nazi zombies are attacking to the Ode to Joy.
In conclusion, zombies, zombies, zombies.
Zombies!
Seriously, the only way I won’t see this movie is if I receive some sort of tragic brain injury in the course of the week and end up with the guy from Memento amnesia and I can’t make new memories. Please, please, let my tragic brain injury occur after I see this movie, so it will be one of my last happy memories, please.
Rambo vs. Ogami Itto
Hey, did you know that Rambo‘s first name was John? I never knew that! I just always assumed that when he came out of the womb, his parents took one look at him and shook their heads, knowing he would be too awesome for whatever first name they might want to give him, and thus just called him “Rambo” from the get-go.
Ogami Itto, on the other hand, is also known as “Lone Wolf and Cub” in the supra-excellent manga “Lone Wolf and Cub,” and that name totally fits him because he is a lone wolf/assassin, with a cub (Ogami Daigoro, his 3-year-old son).
What do Rambo and Lone Wolf and Cub have in common?
I think it’s obvious. They are unstoppable killing machines.
I'm sure his enemies were intimidated by the sight of his awesome chest alone, and some of them probably just keeled over dead then and there.
Daigoro! is! just! so! cute! Who's a cute widdle assassin's child? You are! You are!!
But which killing machine is the unstoppable-est of all?
Let the battle (Note: not an actual battle; there would be far too much carnage) begin!
Physicality already: John (hee!) Rambo is a young Sylvester Stallone. He’s also an older Sylvester Stallone. Hermm. Ogami Itto is a samurai in the peak of his bloom (or something), and has these crazy eyebrows (for which I blame artist Goseki Kojima, ’cause he drew everyone with those eyebrows). Winner? Ogami Itto, because he is Japanese, and I think we all know Lokifire has a weakness for Japanese men and if we don’t all know that, we haven’t been reading this blog for very long now, have we?
Body count: Whoooo! This is a tough one! Piles and piles and piles of bodies in both cases. I mean, throw either of these guys into the jungle or something with an entire ninja clan and you know who’s coming out alive! Not the ninja! But, in the end, Ogami Itto destroyed three different clans, as well as performed various assassinations, won multiple duels against other samurai, butchered police and bounty hunters and basically halved the population of Tokugawa-era Japan. Winner? Ogami Itto, but this is open to some debate.
Weapon of choice? For Itto, it’s the sword. He was a samurai after all. For Rambo? Whatever he can bloody well lay his hands on. Winner? Well, I love Ogami Itto and katana very much, but Rambo did get to use a rocket launcher on occasion. Rambo.
Traumatized a small child? You’d think the obvious answer would be Ogami Itto for dragging his 3-year-old son Daigoro around Japan on various assassinations, but you’d be wrong. Dead wrong. (Well, maybe not dead wrong, but I felt this post needed that phrase at least once. Now it has it twice! Huzzah!) Daigoro is a precocious little cutie-pie who helps his father fight the Yagyu clan as a true samurai would: with a stick of dynamite. (Hey, he was only 4 years old at the time! Cut him some slack! By the way, I’m not mixing up my ages here. Daigoro had a birthday in the course of the manga.) In any case, he avenged his father’s (spoiler alert!) tragic, tragic, tragic death at the hands of Yagyu Retsudo with a piece of a spear he found lying on the ground. Not something a traumatized kid would do, am I right? OK, fine, kid was messed up from the get-go. Winner? Ogami Itto.
Survived to star in countless (I mentioned I’m too lazy to count stuff like that, right?) sequels? As I felt I was being biased in the favor of Ogami Itto, whom I liken unto the gods themselves, I thought I owed Rambo a gimme. Winner? Rambo.
Exemplified the spirit of bushido? Well, now, this doesn’t seem fair, either, does it? I mean, bushido is a Japanese word. However, it means “the way of the warrior,” which both of these men followed devoutly. Rambo lost his way a bit, but he came ’round in the end. Winner? We’ll call this one a tie.
Coolest nickname? As the assassin Lone Wolf and Cub, Ogami Itto got to say this a lot: “Assassin! Lone Wolf and Cub! I come for your life!” The name Rambo is cool and all, but, man, you wouldn’t believe how often I use Ogami Itto’s catchphrase in my daily life! (Or perhaps you would, as it is never, but I would like the opportunity to say it more often.) Winner? Lone Wolf and Cub aka Ogami Itto.
Overall winner? The answer is a resounding Ogami Itto, because he stabbed a lot of people and was a samurai among samurai, even as a masterless ronin. And unlike Rambo, he had the good sense to die and stay that way, and not star in a series of sequels unto an age that was truly innapropriate for the character.
Things I regret saying to you in my inebriated state
Hi. Um. So…. Last night sure was fun, eh? I just wanted to apologize for a few things, including (I think) getting vomit on your jeans. It was a good time, though, right?
Anyway, here are some things that I may (or may not) have said to you last night (it was last night, right?) that I deeply and wholeheartedly regret:
1. “You are sooooo hot.” I am very sorry that I objectified you in such a manner. You’re not actually hot. I mean, no one in their right mind would ever say that you were, and for implying so, I apologize.
2. “We should get together sometime and play naked Twister.” I don’t know why I said that. I don’t actually enjoy playing Twister.
Right foot red, left hand green, who's got time for that shit, you know?
3. “Can I buy you a drink?” Really, you’re the one who should be buying me drinks for spending time with you at all, and I’m sorry that I implied the opposite could be true.
4. “Let’s dance!” You dance like a decapitated chicken, and I should have saved you the embarrassment of being seen on a public dance floor. I am so, so sorry.
5. “I love you, man!” It goes without saying that I don’t actually love you, man.
6. “Let’s do shots!” We shouldn’t have done shots. I apologize for doing shots. I also apologize for following up the shots by puking on your jeans. I hope they wash out easily.
Drinking out of all of these in the space of 15 minutes was a horrible, horrible mistake, and one I deeply regret.
7. “No, no, you can drive my car.” I realize I shouldn’t drive while drunk, but I should have insisted we call a taxi. I don’t want you behind the wheel of my vehicle. You are the worst driver I have ever met. This was a glaring error in judgment on my part, and I apologize again.
8. “Can I sleep in your bed?” We both know that I said “sleep,” but I meant “have steamy hot sex with you.” In either case, a horrible, horrible mistake on my part, because there is no other situation, ever, in which I would be caught dead in bed with you, and possibly not even when I’m dead. I’m not sure that made sense, but basically, I’m asking you, if I die, will you please make sure and put my corpse somewhere other than your bed, because that is the last place I would want to be found.
There's actually nothing wrong with your bed, except its misfortune of being owned by you.
9. “You are sooooo awesome.” You’re not particularly awesome. I regret leading you to believe that you are.
10. “Let’s do this again sometime.” Let’s never do this again. In fact, I’ve deleted you from my contacts and ask that you do the same. If we meet on the street, can you pretend not to know me? I can guarantee that I will pretend not to know you. In fact, I won’t even be pretending. I don’t know you. And, again, I just wanted to let you know how much I regret our evening together. Thank you.
Go to hell, Disco
ABBA, you are everything bad about the '70s wrapped up in one big piece of tin foil, and for the love of God, put on some clothes!!!
Q. So, Lokifire, I hear you got to see part of Mamma Mia this weekend.
A. That’s more of a statement than a question, and I can’t get the ABBA out of my head and death, at this point, might be a mercy.
The origin of Whatserella’s name (sucks)
I’m not sure if anyone is actually reading these things, but I vow to continue writing my supernatural teen romance until I lose interest in it.
On to the merriment.
“Your name is Whatserella, huh?” said the mysterious boy from her calculus class, who had done that cool thing with his eyes and she was still wiping off the whatever-eyeball-goop is called from her sweater. I don’t know why she was wearing a sweater her first day of school, since it was probably still August or something.
“Yeah,” said Whatserella softly and a little bit ashamedly.
“It’s — ahhhhhhhh — interesting,” said the mysterious guy, who actually said the word ahhhhhhh and didn’t just make an exhaling sound or something. “How’d you get it?”
“The author named me.”
Google thinks you are a pair of shoes, Whatserella. But they are pretty cute shoes, you have to admit.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“And she couldn’t come up with something better?”
“It’s because she doesn’t care,” sniffed Whatserella pathetically. “She doesn’t live vicariously through me like some other authors whom she has too much pride to link to now.” (Not now, though.)
“Well, at least you have a name,” said the guy who was mysterious and also a delicious Bulgarian demon.
“Yeah,” sniffed Whatserella. “That’s something.”
“I mean, and you have this interesting story to tell people about it.”
Whatserella sniffed again. She was openly crying or something, because she was a sensitive teenager, and really, the name Whatserella does suck big dong, and I should feel bad about doing this to her, but I don’t.
Go to hell, Whatserella. Go to hell and live there with your nameless Bulgarian demon boyfriend.
I will defeat thee, Google!
I'm not stalking you, Eric Elbogen. But if I were, it would be for purely comedic purposes. I love you, Eric Elbogen.
Q. So, I noticed you haven’t written about Eric Elbogen from Say Hi lately.
A. I didn’t want him to think I was stalking him.
Akira vs. Godzilla
It was pointed out to me that perhaps, just perhaps, mind you, the previous matchup of Akira and his military training and Carrie and her telekinesis brought on by the travails of puberty was just a bit unfair.
Some recommendations for a different matchup were made, but I decided to go with Godzilla instead, because it’s always funnier to pick Godzilla than childsize Drew Barrymore.
If not, I will destroy Tokyo.
Seriously, Google, I love Kaneda as much as the next guy, but does it have to be THIS hard to find a picture of Akira himself?
Let the battle of destructive forces of nature begin!
Physicality: As mentioned previously, Akira is a cute little cutie who cutes (and destroys the world). Godzilla is a giant monster. Incidentally, Godzilla’s Japanese name, Gojira, is a combination of gorira and kujira (gorilla and whale, respectively). Also incidentally, Gojira sounds a lot like Godzilla to American ears, hence the bastardization of his name. The winner? Hey, Akira’s cute, but who isn’t impressed by a hideous giant monster? Godzilla.
Destroyed Tokyo? Akira destroyed the city once as a small child, then again thirty years later as a small child (still) and then again some indeterminate amount of time later. Admittedly, Tetsuo lent a helping hand the second and third times, but that’s hard work for a kid who looks about 6 or 7. On the other hand, Godzilla’s been in more movies than I can count (I have a learning disability) (Editor’s note: Lokifire’s learning disability is called “too lazy to do the work.”), and I can only assume (Editor’s note: see my last note) that he destroys Tokyo in all those movies. The winner by a landslide, possibly literally: Godzilla!
Trapped: For Akira, the military locked him in a seven-layer chamber for about 30 years. It was kept at Absolute Zero. I just capitalized Absolute Zero for no particular reason. Godzilla was trapped under the sea, with all the singing sea creatures. The winner? Akira, because Absolute Zero is really, really cold, and it really, really should have killed him dead.
Hangs out with Kanedaaaaaa? I really like Kaneda. Akira wins again! (On a related note, I’ve read Akira over a dozen times, and I never really realized that Kaneda was his family name and that his name is Shotaro, which, no wonder they all call him Kaneda. Jeez.)
Hey, have I ever mentioned that Kaneda goes up against TWO powerful psychics with nothing but a laser gun and he wins? I'd put him in a battle, but no other character has that much awesome.
Name recognition with millions of Japanese and a few thousand geeky Americans? This? Is a tie. Ask the right person, and the words “Godzilla” and “Akira” are only synonymous with “destruction of Tokyo.”
A parable for their time? Godzilla was brought into being through nuclear radiation. Akira was the product of a crazed military, trying to create weapons (or something. They’re the military, I assume weapons, but maybe they were trying to create an army of psychic housekeepers). These fears are both rational and likely to affect our lives at any minute. In fact, we might have the most to fear from irradiated telekinetics. My. God.
Forced into a realllllly bad Hollywood remake? The winner (or loser, as the case may be): Godzilla. Although there are horrible, horrible rumors floating around that Akira may be made as a live-action film, and I’m sure Hollywood will find some way to shoehorn Keanu Reeves into the film. (Note: if he is cast as Kaneda, I intend to murder every Hollywood exec I can find, because isn’t it bad enough you bastards want to cast him as Spike Spiegel? Must you ruin every great Japanese anime/manga character? Must you??!!!)
Hollywood, you are a cruel mistress.
The tiebreaker? Technically, Godzilla just won by winning that last category, but since it’s such a craptacular category to be the victor of, we shall have one final, tie-breaking face-off. Why I am stalling, you ask? Is it because I couldn’t think of a tiebreaker, you ask? Hey, I could put this post on hold for three days and you wouldn’t know I couldn’t … fine, I’m having trouble thinking of a tiebreaker….
OK, here’s the tiebreaker for reals: Ultimate, tragic death? Akira (*sniff*) dies when his powers collide with Tetsuo’s (I think? Seriously, things get a little weird toward the end of Akira, and I’m always like, man, that’s so cool, what just happened?), and he has a vision of all his little psychic friends and, awwwwww! Godzilla apparently died at some point of a nuclear meltdown (huh?), but his son (double huh?) quickly took over the reigns of horrible, mutant monster. Winner? Akira!
Overall winner: What can I say? I’ve got a deep-seated fondness for that little city-destroying sweetie-pie. Akira, you win again.
I have learned a new thing
Happy National Punctuation Day to all! I hope, in honor of this momentous day, you are all punctuating like mad! Like mad, I say!!
And, also to honor National Punctuation Day, which I did not dress up like a comma for (nay, nor even like an exclamation point!), I felt required to learn something. And that something was the meaning of that little squiggly thing: ~. Awesomely, according to its wikipedia entry, it is colloquially known as the “squiggly.”
I picked this tilde because it was glowing.
Officially, it is called the tilde, and it is the thing that goes over “n”s to make them sound awesome. Unless you highlight the n and then use the squiggly key, which makes the n go away and the squiggly appear in its place. So it’s really a useless key on your keyboard, and you should just use the “insert symbol” function instead.
Everyone knows that zombies are better than vampires
Except for a few teens who are still going through their goth phase, that is.
Gaaaaaah! It's Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt! Gaaaaah!
But has anyone quantified the many ways in which zombies are better than vampires? They probably have. But I’m going to do it too.
Gaaaaah for reals this time!
1. Zombies don’t care about appearances. Not since the early 1900s have vampires been portrayed as walking corpses clad in their death shrouds. Today’s vampire only sucks the blood of the beautiful and wears a lot of velvet. Snobs.
2. Zombies don’t whine. Really, ever since Anne Rice’s masterpiece (?) “Interview with the Vampire,” the whiny, emo-vamp has been a staple of literature, theater and cinema. Zombies are too busy thinking about braaaains and where to get their next braaaaaains to get all mopey on us. For that, we salute you, zombies.
3. Zombies splatter when you shoot them. Vampires have to be staked instead of shot, which is all well and fine, but not as cool as an exploding head.
4. Zombies don’t start lame-ass rock bands. Sure, there was that early-rock band The Zombies, but I’m pretty (well, relatively) sure those guys were all humans. Vampires, on the other hand, like to rock. Emo-style.
5. Zombies work together as a team. Now except for the second awesome half of the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez collaboration “From Dusk Till Dawn,” you hardly ever see vampires put aside their differences, do a little team-building exercise and get down to the important business of devouring humans. Zombies, on the other hands, are all about teamwork.
6. Zombies, like the boy next door your mom wants you to date, aren’t complicated. A zombie won’t try to seduce you or set you against your friends. No, a zombie is simple in his desires and won’t stop until he’s gotten them. Also, he won’t stop until after he’s gotten them, because braaaaains are just that delicious.
Hell, maybe the boy next door IS a zombie. He's always going on about how he loves you for your braaaains.
7. Zombies are easier to dress as for Halloween. Sure, you think it’s easy to be Count Dracula, just throw on a cape and some fangs and you’re good to go, right? Wrong, wonder bread. You’ve got to wear those fangs all night or you’re just another weirdo in a cape. The lisping is horrendous! The drooling! Also, if you’re wearing your favorite football jersey under that cape, all the other vampires are going to laugh at you. Zombie? Just slap on some fake blood, tear your shirt a bit and make sure your main topic of conversation is braaaaains and you’re good to go.
8. Zombies, like you, enjoy the benefits of sunlight. Not like those damn vampires, who either burst into flames in the light of day or — worse — sparkle.
9. Zombies don’t need permission to get into your house. They do, however, need to re-master basic human behaviors, such as doorknob-turning skills. On the bright side, they can walk through glass windows without complaint.
10. Zombies improved Pride and Prejudice. No vampire could say that about the works of Jane Austen.
Actually, JANE AUSTEN can't say that about the works of Jane Austen.
I would never actually do this
Although she does look happier with her meatloaf than I ever do with mine ....
Q. As much as you love punctuation and National Punctuation Day, would you cook a meatloaf in the shape of a punctuation mark?
A. I am tempted, but in the end, meatloaf should only be shaped like meatloaf or possibly meat muffins.
Hollywood Hates Me 