Digging too Deeply: Rough Boy
Hi, I’m not dead!
I know, you thought I was dead, but really I was just dealing with personal issues, major surgery and severe depression. It was really fun and I’m glad all this stuff happened at the same time because it means nothing bad will happen in my life, ever again.
Ever again.
Feel free to pity the hell out of me in the comments below.
So to celebrate my return to blogging (probably as intermittently as before, I am so sorry to my faithful readers), I thought I’d talk a little about a band one of my college boyfriends tried to ruin for me.
ZZ Top.
Now those are some sharp-dressed men, amiright?
Good ol’ ZZ Top, with the gimungous beards and the sunglasses and the way they’ve looked exactly the same for, like, four decades. Good ol’ ZZ Top with Velcro Fly, AWESOME.
*makes the drum line sounds with her mouth*
And stupid ol’ college boyfriend, saying, “Oh come ON, literally ALL of their songs are about sex! Every single one has an overt sex reference! It’s RIGHT THERE.”
Well, stupid ol’ college boyfriend, here’s a little somethin’ for you: Rough Boy. It’s an unrequited love song! Where’s the overt sexual reference in that, HUH?
Let’s take a look at it, shall we?
“What in the world’s come all over me?”
…
Dammit.
“It’s the opening lyric, woman, how did you not notice?”
Digging too deeply: Song 2
Lately, I’ve been overanalyzing song lyrics to modern pop songs, which is like shooting fish in a barrel with an AK-47, and also the fish are really big and suicidal.
What I’m saying is modern pop songs aren’t all that complicated, lyrically. (Except for when they make references oldies like me don’t understand, you damn kids, get OFF my lawn.)
I swear to God, I’ll get the hose!
So today I thought I’d dig into a pop song from the ’90s, which is no longer modern, because I am SO OLD. Today’s pick is Blur’s Song 2, which is called Song 2 because it was the second song on the CD, like, ha! What the hell is a CD anyway, right?
Well, this doesn’t seem right, does it?
Anyway, here goes:
I got my head checked
By a jumbo jet
It wasn’t easy
But nothing is
No
Things start off a little, shall we say, obscurely, with Damon Albarn talking about what sounds like a therapy session with a large airplane. He declares that said therapy session wasn’t easy, which I can’t imagine it was. I mean, therapy is hard enough without having a jet for a therapist, you know?
“I wish you were a jumbo jet.”
Then it’s on to the chorus:
Woo-hoo
When I feel heavy-metal
And I’m pins and I’m needles
Well, I lie and I’m easy
All the time but I am never sure
Why I need you
Pleased to meet you
All right, I think I’m getting it now. Sometimes Damon Albarn feels “heavy metal,” like maybe he’s a poser in the ’90s Brit-pop scene, and he’s on pins and needles because he’s afraid everyone’s going to find out about his lie! Also, he’s saying he’s easy, which means I need to build me a time machine and hook up with some ’90s-era Damon Albarn.
NO ONE WOULD BLAME ME!
I got my head down
When I was young
It’s not my problem
It’s not my problem
This … makes even less sense than the first verse. And down doesn’t even rhyme with young! I always thought he was saying he got his head “done” when he was young, in keeping with the therapy theme, but now I don’t know what to think.
Now I don’t know what to think.
Woo-hoo
When I feel heavy-metal
And I’m pins and I’m needles
Well, I lie and I’m easy
All the time but I am never sure
Why I need you
Pleased to meet you
And we’re back to the chorus, wherein it’s clear I have managed to build a time machine, because Damon Albarn is all like, “Hey, nice to meet you!” And I’m like, “Nice to meet you also, ’90s-era Damon Albarn.” And he’s like: “’90s era?” And I’m like: “Nothing to do with disrupting the space-time continuum, that’s for sure!”
“I … don’t believe you.”
Anyway, the song ends like this:
Yeah yeah
Yeah yeah
Yeah yeah
Oh yeah
So, in conclusion, Song 2 makes absolutely no sense, and I don’t really have a time machine.
“It wouldn’t matter if you did. I’m too good for you in any era.”
Digging too Deeply: Me Too
Lately, my daughter has been listening to a lot of terrible pop music. I assume it’s her father’s influence, because I only like things that are good, like Battlefield Baseball and the scene in Evil Dead 2 where you can see the rope holding up Bruce Campbell.
I also really like the part where he traps his possessed hand under a bucket and weights it down with a copy of Hemingway’s “A Farewell to Arms.”
Anyway, the song my daughter likes now is this total earworm by Meghan Trainor, Me Too, so I thought, hey, while it’s stuck in my head for the rest of my life, why not analyze the lyrics, huh?
We should also probably analyze the mind of the person who came up with those costumes.
So we’ll do just that.
Who’s that sexy thing I see over there?
That’s me, standin’ in the mirror
What’s that icy thing hangin’ ’round my neck?
That’s gold, show me some respect
This is an odd little beginning, because I think Meghan Trainor is looking at herself in the mirror while wearing a gold necklace, and she is talking to herself. And she is disrespecting herself while doing so.
“Bitch, why ya gotta be disrespectin’ me?”
I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uh
Yes, she is definitely alone.
Just me and my giraffe hoody, against the world!
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
And here, she’s speaking to a hypothetical “you,” telling them that she understands their desire to be her, because she is awesome. So awesome that she has to say she would wanna be herself too SIX TIMES.
“I should really probably fire my stylist, though.”
I walk in like a dime piece
I go straight to V.I.P.
I never pay for my drinks
My entourage behind me
My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise
So bless me, baby, achoo
And even if they tried to
They can’t do it like I do
Here, I had to turn to Google, because I am an old person, and when I saw “dime piece,” I thought it meant “dime bag,” and we were talking weed all of a sudden. But it turns out that a dime piece is just a really sexy woman. So Meghan Trainor (who, you might remember, is conversing with a reflection of herself) asserts here that she walks into places like one fine piece of tail (see? old person talk, right there.), heading straight to the important person section, where her drinks are all free (or at least billed to her accountant), with an entourage behind her.
For your viewing pleasure: These. A thing that exists.
Then I think she has a seizure or something, because the next section is a bit of a mess: “My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise, So bless me, baby, achoo.” What the hell does that even mean?
“Sometimes even I sneeze too?”
Then she reminds us that she is awesome, and we should all be so lucky as to be her:
I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uhIf I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
Again, SIX TIMES.
Meghan Trainor then invites us to turn the bass up …
(Turn the bass up)
Turn the bass up
(Turn the bass up)
Let’s go!
… which seems like a good idea, because these lyrics are seriously just the worst.
Although it might just be a callback to her earlier, equally annoying song.
The song wraps up with this sentiment once again:
I thank God every day
That I woke up feelin’ this way
And I can’t help lovin’ myself
And I don’t need nobody else, nuh uhIf I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
I’d wanna be me too
That’s TWELVE TIMES. TWELVE TIMES that Meghan Trainor says she’d want to be herself too, were she someone else. You know what that’s called? That’s called overcompensation. So Meghan Trainor isn’t really saying “you should aspire to be me, because I am awesome,” she is saying “my life is terrible ever since I sold out to The Man, I’m so lonely and my self-esteem is suffering, please won’t someone see this as the cry for help that it is?”
Either that, or she’s actually saying: “I’m too famous to bother memorizing lyrics, so let’s just go with this, okay?”
You know, she looks, just, so tired. It’s probably the first one. Poor Meghan Trainor.
Digging too Deeply: Adele’s Hello
This song is unavoidable. I literally can’t avoid it. I don’t listen to the radio, I cover my ears in public, and I have still heard this song. It’s seeped into my consciousness. It’s always there.
Although I always think it’s going to be a cover song at first.
So let’s analyze the hell out of what it means, shall we?
(I mean, shall me? Just me. I’m the only one here.)
Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing
Aw, poor Adele. She wants to get in touch with an old love interest, because the wounds are still raw, even after all these years. That’s sad, and kind of “please don’t call me anymore, Adele, seriously, it’s been years.”
Um, Adele? That’s not how phones work.
Hello, can you hear me?
I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feetThere’s such a difference between us
And a million miles
So Adele is, like the Mamas and the Papas, California Dreamin’. That’s such a good song. But Adele is actually in California, so she’s dreaming about being young and free (she says), but then she stops making sense, because does anybody understand what she means by “before the world fell at our feet”? That makes it sound like the world was all like, “I love you guys!” and did all sorts of nice stuff for them. So why would they break up?
Also, how is there a million miles between Adele and this ex? The earth’s circumference is only 24,901 miles, so that’s not even physically possible, unless…..
And check me out with the geometry all up in here!
Hello from the other side
Ha! I knew it! Adele’s dead! She’s dead and she’s calling from beyond the grave!
“The call is coming from INSIDE the graveyard!”
(And I know I said she was calling from California before, but California is clearly a metaphor for heaven. Duh.)
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter. It clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore
See, here, she goes on to say that she must have called “a thousand times.” The only people who do that are creepy stalkers or the dearly departed, who can’t get through to their loved ones from heaven! And Adele isn’t a creepy stalker, right? She’s not the sort of person who would keep calling someone who clearly doesn’t want to talk to her, right? So she’s clearly calling to apologize for her death, which broke her loved one’s heart.
“Look, I’m Adele. I don’t need to resort to being a creepy stalker. People creepily stalk ME.”
Hello, how are you?
It’s so typical of me to talk about myself. I’m sorry
I hope that you’re well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?
See, “that town where nothing ever happened” is totally a metaphor for “life on earth,” and Adele’s all like, “Jeez, when are you going to die too and we can hang out, it’s super great and you’ll love it, I swear.”
“That’s right, honey, just go straight into the light.”
And it’s no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time
“I’m just calling to tell you that you have cancer and you’ll be seeing me soon.”
So hello from the other side (other side)
I must have called a thousand times (thousand times)
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outside (outside)
At least I can say that I’ve tried (I’ve tried)
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter. It clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore.
Or, you know what? Adele, seriously, stop calling this poor person.
“Dammit, Adele, I’ve tried asking you nicely.”
Digging too deeply: Spiderman Theme
The important thing to remember about Peter Parker (also known as The Amazing Spiderman) is that one time his Uncle Ben told him, “With great power comes great responsibility,” and also that one time his Uncle Ben got murdered, and it was totally Peter Parker’s fault.
The takeaway here is always trip any criminals who happen to be running past you.
Anyway, without further ado, here’s what the Spiderman Theme really means.
Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider can.
Spins a web, any size.
Catches thieves- just like flies.
Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.
The theme song opens by telling us that Spiderman does whatever a spider can, especially fighting crime, because spiders do that all the time.
Gah! It’s a spider! Quick, smash it good!
Is he strong? Listen, bud.
He’s got radioactive blood.
Can he swing, from a thread?
Take a look overhead.
Hey, there! There goes the Spiderman!
The theme song goes on to query, “Is Spiderman strong?” The answer is: “Listen, bud. He’s got radioactive blood.” That’s an interesting way of dodging a simple yes-or-no question, but it tells us more than the lyricist really intends I think: “He’s got radioactive blood.” You know who else has radioactive blood? People who have been exposed to atomic bombs. This includes not only The Incredible Hulk, but also a lot of cancer patients. Which explains why Spiderman can swing from a thread — due to his debilitating illness, he’s obviously not very heavy.
Atomic bombs: ruining jokes since 1945.
In the chill of night, at the scene of a crime,
like a streak of light,
he arrives, just in time!
Spiders do that, right? Arrive like streaks of light, just in time?
“Oh, I do. Constantly.”
Spiderman, Spiderman,
friendly neighborhood Spiderman.
Wealth and fame? He’s ignored.
Action is his reward.
Look out! There goes the Spiderman!
This verse gives us some insight into Spiderman’s psyche: “Wealth and fame? He’s ignored. Action is his reward.” What this is telling us is that Spiderman is an adrenaline junkie.
“I’m SPIDERMAAAAAANNNN!!!!”
Spiderman, Spiderman,
friendly neighborhood Spiderman.
Wealth and fame? He’s ignored
(He’s Ignored)
Action is his reward.
Look out! (LOOK OUT!)
Here comes the Spiderman!
We got it the first time, Spiderman theme.
Here’s a gratuitous photo of JK Simmons, because we love him.
In the chill of night, at the scene of a crime,
like a streak of light,
he arrives, just in time!
Does Spidey not fight crime in the heat of the day?
“Nah, that radioactive blood makes it tough to be outdoors in the heat.”
Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider can.
Spins a web, any size.
Catches thieves- just like flies.
Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.
Look out! It’s Spiderman!
Gah! It’s a spiderman! Quick, smash it good!
Spiderman, Spiderman,
friendly neighborhood Spiderman.
Wealth and fame? He’s ignored.
Action is his reward.
Look out!
Here comes the Spiderman!!!!!!!!
I want you to know that I didn’t add all those exclamation points; they were in the original lyrics. I think that’s just lovely.
And what we’ve learned about the Spiderman theme today is that it’s a song about a guy who gotten bitten by a radioactive spider and fights crime. So, basically, with the Spiderman theme, what you see is what you get.
… Sometimes I’m ashamed I like comic books.
Digging too deeply: Eye of the Tiger
A song I really dislike right now is that Katy Perry song, Roar. But when she gets to the part where she says she’s got the eye of the tiger, all of a sudden, I’m the star of an ’80s movie. Usually I’m plucky. Probably I’m a dude. There’ll definitely be fighting. And, of course, the soundtrack, will be … Survivor.
The best thing about mullets is getting to laugh at them now that it’s not the ’80s anymore.
Rising up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I’m back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
This is pretty straightforward. I’ve obviously spent some time in the hospital, probably with a broken spine, but now I’m able to walk again. I’m back on the street, I’m going the distance (like Cake!), and I’ve got the will to survive.
So many times it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive
*Sniff* It’s so true! Sometimes I do trade my passion for glory. Then I’ve got all this glory and no passion! That’s why, now that I’m out of the hospital, probably walking with a cane, or maybe one of those walkers that you have to put the split tennis balls on the bottom so they don’t scrape up the floor, I have to keep my dreams alive!
Yup. It’s just me and my will to survive.
It’s the eye of the tiger
It’s the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
Stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger
Holy crap, there’s a tiger watching me! And I can’t flee very fast, because of my walker! I feel something, and it might by the thrill of the fight, and rising up to the challenge of my rival, but it’s possibly fear! Because I am being watched with the eye of the tiger!
STOP LOOKING AT MEEEEEE!
Face to face, out in the heat
Hanging tough, staying hungry
They stack the odds still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive
OK, this doesn’t even make sense. I have no idea what I’m doing here. I was staying hungry, and then I took to the street for the kill with the skill to survive. Can anyone explain that? What is the kill with the skill to survive? Is it some kind of wily deer?
“Probably not.” — this deer
It’s the eye of the tiger
It’s the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
Stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger
Ohhhh, I guess it’s the eye of the tiger.
Seriously, though, does this make sense?
Rising up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive
Wait, I think I’m a boxer? Or I’m in that Stephen King story that was made into a movie? No, the one with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Now I’ve got my will to survive AND this godawful jumpsuit.
It’s the eye of the tiger
It’s the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
Stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tigerDammit, Katy Perry.
Digging too Deeply: December, 1963
In honor of me recently learning this song I hate is by the Four Seasons, here’s an analysis of December, 1963 (Oh What a Night).
Because it might as well be stuck in your head too.
Frankie starts off by introducing us to a very special night that he remembers:
Oh, what a night
Late December, back in ’63
What a very special time for me
As I remember, what a night
Sadly, the night didn’t stick out so much that he remembers the date, other than “late December,” so … any time after the 19th, maybe? What is wrong with our lyricist that he can’t remember the date of this “very special time”? Does he have that thing I have, where I’d be useless as an alibi witness, ’cause things happened last week or maybe two years ago, how am I supposed to remember that? Or does he have a drinking problem?
Actually, my issue with dates is probably also caused by a drinking problem.
Oh, what a night
You know, I didn’t even know her name
But I was never gonna be the same
What a lady, what a night
Well, I guess back in 1963, people didn’t realize where STDs come from, so why bother learning her name? Especially if, with your drinking problem, you know you’ll just forget it anyway.
Oh, I
I got a funny feeling when she walked in the room
Hey, my
As I recall, it ended much too soon
Is premature ejaculation a symptom of alcoholism? I think it is.
Oh, what a night
Hypnotizing, mesmerizing me
She was everything I dreamed she’d be
Sweet surrender, what a night
OK, they definitely had sex here.
And I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder
Spinning my head around and taking my body under
Oh, what a night
… Or they were taken by a riptide to their watery doom?
“Oh, God, if only we’d brought this infographic when we decided to have sex in the ocean!”
Oh, I
Got a funny feeling when she walked in the room
Hey, my
As I recall, it ended much too soon
Yeah, maybe not too brag about the impotence so much, eh?
“I’m sorry, baby, it’s just … I can’t perform with all these white walls and white sheets and why are we both wearing white pajamas?”
Oh, what a night
Why’d it take so long to see the light?
Seemed so wrong, but now it seems so right
What a lady, what a night
This last bit is a little odd: “Seemed so wrong, but now it seems so right,” because usually regret happens after you realize something that felt good was actually a terrible idea. I guess that’s what a drinking problem will do to you, though: “So I met some chick and we had sex in the ocean and we nearly drowned, and it was awful, but now that I’ve had a few mojitos, I think I would very much like to do it again.”
“Now nothing is a bad idea!”
Oh, I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder
Spinning my head around and taking my body under
Oh, what a night (Do do do do do, do do do do)
Oh, what a night (Do do do do do, do do do do)
Oh, what a night (Do do do do do, do do do do)
Oh, what a night (Do do do do do, do do do do)
Oh, what a night (Do do do do do, do do do do)
Oh, what a night (Do do do do do, do do do do)
Oh, what a night (Do do do do do, do do do do)
I’ve got nothing to say to this except DAMMIT I WILL NEVER GET THIS SONG OUT OF MY HEAD I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID BIOPIC, CLINT EASTWOOD.
Clint Eastwood: “Meh. Well, you’re a liberal anyway.”
Digging too Deeply: Istanbul (Not Constantinople)
Today we’ll be discussing 1953’s Istanbul (Not Constantinople), which I had always mistakenly believed was a They Might Be Giants original. So learn something new every day, I guess.
I did not learn, however, why the Four Clearly Middle-Aged Dudes called themselves The Four Lads.
Our song begins thusly:
Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it’s Turkish delight on a moonlit night
Turkish Delight is a candy, according to the Internet, but it’s probably also a sex act.
And now that it’s stuck in your head for the next six months, let’s discuss. Despite the peppy, upbeat music, the lyrics are actually rather melancholy. “Istanbul was Constantinople. Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople.” And Constantinople has “been a long time gone.”
Pictured here: An empire that’s been a long time gone.
What this song is doing, see, is this song is mourning the passing of Constantinople. Out with the old! In with the new! But what becomes of the old, man? What becomes of the old?
Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople
So if you’ve a date in Constantinople
She’ll be waiting in Istanbul
This stanza rightly points out that your girlfriend lives in Istanbul, not in Constantinople. Because there is no Constantinople anymore. Everything changes, man. Everything.
Shut up, Sign. I know! I KNOW!
Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can’t say
People just liked it better that way
This line is silly, because it’s obvious they changed “New Amsterdam” to “New York” because “York” is easier to say than “Amsterdam.”
Also so people wouldn’t mix it up with the vodka.
So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can’t go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That’s nobody’s business but the Turks
Here, our lyrics get even drearier: “So take me back to Constantinople. No, you can’t go back to Constantinople.” Because Constantinople is gone, man, gone. Like dust on the wind, sands in the hourglass, the days of our lives, whatever. We could ask some Turks how they feel about it, but do WE EVEN SPEAK TURKISH?
Actually, do the people of Turkey even speak Turkish?
So there you go. Rather than being a silly song about Istanbul, this is actually a song mourning the passing of Constantinople.
Good night, sweet emperor.
Digging too Deeply: The Boys of Summer
By popular request (“popular” means “one person,” right?), here comes an analysis of Don Henley’s The Boys of Summer. You know you can’t wait to learn what this song really means.
Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer’s out of reach
Our first verse opens in September. Everybody’s gone back to school, except our singer. Possibly he’s a dropout, possibly he’s too old for school. All he knows is that, man, it was great when everybody was back in town for the summer, hanging out at the beach and on the road.
“Stop looking so happy. I really miss you guys!”
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I’m driving by your house
Though I know you’re not home
“Guys? Hello?”
Here, it becomes clear that our singer is the only person left in a vacation town. Or a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Probably the latter. Why else would all the streets be deserted? Shouldn’t someone else be left in this town? No! Because they’re all dead! Dead in the robot apocalypse, of which our singer is the only survivor!
But I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your
Sunglasses on baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
The chorus comes back in, reminiscing about summer, back when everybody was still alive and tanning and wearing sunglasses. The interesting line in the chorus is “I can tell you my love for you will still be strong after the boys of summer have gone.” This line implies one of two things: 1) he loves baseball so much he was ignoring his significant other during the baseball season; or 2) he loves boys so much he was ignoring his significant other while they were running around, all tanned and shirtless and stuff. Most people think it’s baseball, but why can’t it be both? Gay baseball!
“Why else do you think we joined the baseball team?”
I never will forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream
Remember how you made me crazy
Remember how I made you scream
Now I don’t understand
What happened to our love
But babe I’m gonna get you back
I’m gonna show you what I’m made of
Our singer continues to reminisce about life before the end of the world as we know it, revealing here that he might have been viewing the past through rose-colored glasses. “Remember how you made me crazy? Remember how I made you scream?” Sounds like it wasn’t all sunshine and tanned skins for these crazy kids.
After admitting their relationship wasn’t always perfect, our singer vows to get his love back, and “show you what I’m made of.” This implies one of two things: 1) My apocalypse theory was wrong; or 2) the much more likely option: his significant other has been taken hostage by robots.
Terminators: The real boys of summer.
I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
I see you walking real slow
Smiling at everyone
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
The chorus comes back. This time he sees his lover walking real slow and smiling at everyone instead of wearing sunglasses. It’s nice he’s got his hallucinations to get him through this difficult time.
Out on the road today
I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said:
“Don’t look back, you can never look back”
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go, but:
Our third verse reveals our singer has started his epic journey to find his lost love. He says he sees a “deadhead sticker on a Cadillac,” which is our first hint that there might be other survivors in this wasteland. Either that, or it’s the empty husk of a car, which is why a little voice inside his head tells him “don’t look back” and he admits “those days are gone forever.”
Because he’s the only man left alive.
Yorick? Is that you?
I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got the top pulled down
Radio on baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
Bye, boys!
I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got your hair slicked back and those
Wayfarers on, baby
I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone
The song ends with a couple more variations on the chorus. The singer really loves baseball, or boys, or boys who love baseball. Perhaps, even more than his lover, that is what he misses the most.
Image searches for “Boys of Summer” are decidedly homoerotic.
Because this is obviously a song about the apocalypse.
Digging too deeply: Love You Like a Love Song
Today, I start a new feature on this blog. The reason for this new feature is because lately I’ve realized I never go anywhere or do anything or watch much on TV (except for Brooklyn Nine Nine, which is pretty funny), so there’s no pop culture stuff for me to make fun of.
Except pop music.
Gods, there’s pop music everywhere.
So I’ve decided to check out the lyrics to songs, (over)analyze them and share the process with you all. I’m sure this is a completely original idea that nobody else on the Internet is doing (mostly because I refuse to check), and that you will love it.
You. Will. Love. It.
And so we begin with that modern classic: Selena Gomez’s “Love You Like a Love Song.”
She looks like a drunken disco ball in a field here.
It’s been said and done
Every beautiful thought’s been already sung
And I guess right now here’s another one
So your melody will play on and on, with the best of ’em
You are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible
A sinful, miracle, lyrical
You’ve saved my life again
And I want you to know baby
So, right from the start here, Selena Gomez is lamenting that “every beautiful thought’s been already sung,” that it’s all been “said and done.”
What we have, folks, is a classic case of … crap. What’s that word when you don’t think you’ll ever measure up to what Mommy wanted for you? Anyway, this singer is deeply, deeply in love, but she knows that she just doesn’t have the vocabulary to express her feelings. And when she does try to use her own words she comes up with nonsense like “A sinful, miracle, lyrical,” which is nice because it rhymes, but is terrible because MOMMY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU IF YOU WRITE LYRICS LIKE THAT.
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, babyAnd I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat
By the time we hit the chorus, it seems like our lyricist has given up on trying to impress Mommy and her lover, and just hopes she can get her emotions across if she uses the word “love” repeatedly, and also hits the second syllable of “repeat” repeatedly. It’s safe to assume, at this point, that our singer has a learning disability, but she really enjoys love songs.
And hula hooping!
(As an aside, the chorus repeats itself a SECOND TIME, but I won’t even make you read the lyrics a second time because they’re just that terrible.)
Constantly, boy you play through my mind like a symphony
There’s no way to describe what you do to me
You just do to me, what you do
And it feels like I’ve been rescued
I’ve been set free
I am hypnotized by your destiny
You are magical, lyrical, beautiful
You are… And I want you to know baby
The second verse swoops in and we see now that our singer has, in addition to a learning disability and probable Mommy issues, Damsel-in-Distress Syndrome. “It feels like I’ve been rescued,” she claims. “I’ve been set free.” Set free from what, she doesn’t say. We can only assume it’s a loveless life, her mother, or that he’s been tutoring her in his free time, and she’s finally getting passing grades in school. She continues on that she is “hypnotized by (his) destiny,” which seems nonsensical, but implies that she can see the future and in the future, they are happy together forever. She goes on to say “You are … And I want you to know baby,” which then leads into the chorus again, causing the critical thinker to wonder: what IS he? She wants him to know, but she can’t bring herself to say it. It’s mysterious! It’s a mystery!
We’re skipping the chorus and moving right into the bridge!
No one compares
You stand alone, to every record I own
Music to my heart that’s what you are
A song that goes on and on
The bridge shows us a girl who either lives in the 1950s or is a hipster, because she’s still listening to records. She wants her lover to know he’s better than “every record (she) own(s),” which is a nice sentiment, but probably makes him wonder why she doesn’t have an MP3 player.
And why she’s dressed like a crazed Mozart.
And then, the kicker: She describes her lover as “a song that goes on and on” before cleverly moving back into the chorus, which is one of the most repetitive pieces of music (?) you’ll ever experience in your life. Reminding him that she “love(s) (him) like a love song.” And that she keeps “hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat.”
Basically, this song is a brilliant analysis of the condition of a teenaged girl with some form of language disorder trying to express her feelings to her lover, trying to free herself from the bonds of a disapproving mother and trying to impress us with her record collection.
Truly, a classic for the ages.
Pictured here: Classic.
Hollywood Hates Me 