I know you’ve probably been worried because I haven’t mentioned Say Hi in a while. You probably thought they’d been replaced by Beirut in my heart.
Well, the truth is, I didn’t like the last album very much, so I didn’t have anything to say about it. But Eric Elbogen has returned to his roots with an all-new vampire-themed album, Bleeder’s Digest, which probably isn’t the best album title ever, but is a pretty decent pun, I think.
Anyway, my favorite song on it so far is Teeth Only for You, which manages to be silly and super-romantic, all at once.
So I’m happy you’re back, Say Hi! I promise I won’t stop loving you, unlike all those other things I said I’d always love, but then I didn’t.
Omigod, y’all! I just heard, on a commercial for Lincoln (the cars, not the dead president), Say Hi’s song “Devils.”
You know what that means?
Royalties is what it means! Which in turn means: Eric Elbogen is even more my perfect boy now.
Dear future boyfriend,
First off, I just want to say that you are such a catch! I mean, here you are: a guy who puts up with me! I am so lucky to have you, future boyfriend, and I just want you to know that. I love your (insert adjective here) and the way you (verb). (Note to self: add descriptors once you actually meet future boyfriend.)
But there’s a few things you need to know, and I have incorporated them here into this handy list. It’s a list of things that I will always love more than you.
1. Elijah Snow. No matter how awesome you are, future boyfriend, unless you were trained in the art of detecting at the knee of the best fictional detective ever (Sherlock Holmes), you cannot compare to Elijah Snow.
Ooooh, and also, you would have to never, ever age, and have the power to freeze stuff and then shatter the hell out of it.
2. Speaking of the best fictional detective ever: Sherlock Holmes. It’s true, future boyfriend, that there are not many things in this world that I love more than Sherlock Holmes, and I would have to include you on the list (of things that I do not).
3. Chuck. That show is so cute and I love it (more than you). I hope, if there is a fifth season, it doesn’t suck as bad as the fifth seasons of other shows I used to love, House, I’m looking at you.
4. Eric Elbogen. Unless future boyfriend and Eric Elbogen are one in the same (pardon me while I laugh at my audacity!), there is just no measuring up to a guy who has written a song about playing Ms. Pac-man.
5. Lone Wolf and Cub. No, future boyfriend, you will never be as awesome as one of the best manga series ever, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask to be alone while I read my copies.
6. Spike Spiegel. I shouldn’t have to explain why Spike Spiegel is more awesome than you, should I? Fine: he’s tall, thin, tragic yet always has a snappy comeback, and practices jeet kune do. Also, he has a spaceship and is a bounty hunter. In space. He’s a bounty hunter in space.
7. Cowboy Bebop. Spike Spiegel is a character in the best anime ever, and I will always, always love that anime more than you.
8. “Roslin and Adama.” Bear McCreary wrote one of the world’s most beautiful pieces of music for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, and I just can’t imagine that you could possibly make me feel the way it does.
9. Bulkogi. Man, bulkogi is good. I wish we had a decent Korean joint around here.
10. Japan. Japan is crazy and awesome. You, future boyfriend, might be crazy and awesome too, but are you the birthplace of the ninja? No. No, you are not.
Only eight more days until the new Say Hi album is released. I wonder if it’s available at one minute after midnight, and also if I could manage to stay up that late. (I’m so old!)
Anyway, it is called “Um, Oh Oh,” and it is, like, all I’m going to be talking about for the next week.
(PS: Isn’t that a great photo? Here’s a link to the photographer’s blog.)
So who knew that Ke$ha, that chick who doesn’t even know what an “S” looks like, had a song called Bla Bla Bla?
So that means, now, when I say I like Blah Blah Blah, I’m either going to have to pronounce the “H” somehow or specify that I mean an awesome song by the boy of my dreams, Eric Elbogen, and his awesome band, Say Hi (To Your Mom).
That really pisses me off. Please fall down a well and rot there, Ke$ha.
It’s been a while since I’ve done a Top Ten list. I chalk that up to many things. Most of which include the word “laziness,” so whatever.
This list honors my undying love of Eric Elbogen and his music. At least it’s undying for now. In high school, I wanted to marry the Smashing Pumpkins (yes, all of them), so I might change my mind. But currently, I plan to become a ninja, marry Mssr. Elbogen and train him in the way of the ninja, and then we will commit a series of daring daylight heists. Call me, Eric Elbogen! We could make this work!
By the way, this list of songs by Say Hi that I really love is in no particular order because don’t make me choose.
1. These Fangs from Impeccable Blahs. There’s a definite drum machine vibe to this song, but I don’t mind, because Eric Elbogen is awesome and I love him. I also love the line “I don’t mind if you wanna hide your fangs too.” This is from the album that’s all about vampires, back before they sparkled.
2. Laundry from Discosadness. It would turn me off a little that Eric Elbogen waits until his laundry is dirty enough to give him high-fives before he heads down to the laundromat, but he is Eric Elbogen, and thus, awesome in every way, so it doesn’t bother me. Favorite line: “I put it off, but they were alive. When I’d walk by, they’d give me five.”
3. Northwestern Girls from The Wishes and The Glitch. Eric Elbogen had moved from NYC to Seattle for the making of this album, and he thought all the northwestern girls were really nice and wrote this song about them. Technically speaking, I am also from the northwest, even if I’m a few states over, so this song is also about me. The line I love the most is “It must be in the air here.”
4. November Was White, December Was Grey from Oohs & Aahs. Eric Elbogen hates winter as much as I do! Eric Elbogen hates winter as much as I do! Between this and the geekiness, I sense that we are soul mates. Bestest line? “For these three months, I’ve been inside the house. My pacing’s worn all of the carpet out” would win, but for these words: “I’ll feel better when the winter’s gone.” Gods, it’s so true, Eric Elbogen. It’s so true.
5. Blah Blah Blah from Impeccable Blahs. I believe I have written of my love for this song before. In fact, I’m certain of it. It’s not only about vampires, it also quotes the Borg. Y’all can see why I love this guy, right? Plus, after I listen to it, I run around singing, “I am going to drink your blood. And I just wanna drink your blood.” But my favorite line is (of course): “The trains stop for you and so do the boys when you run your fingers through your hair. But … Resistance Is Futile.”
6. Let’s Talk About Spaceships from Numbers & Mumbles. Eric Elbogen also hates talking about relationships! We are so meant to be!!! The whole song is about him trying to avoid talking to his girlfriend about his relationship, saying things like, “I should’ve paid attention in algebra.” and “Don’t look now, but there’s a spider on the wall behind you.” Actually, those are in the same stanza, and in exactly the opposite order I listed them in. But my favoritest bit is “Let’s talk about spaceships or anything except you and me, OK?”
7. Toil and Trouble from The Wishes and The Glitch. In this song, Eric Elbogen is making a love potion to woo some chick. It’s just because he hasn’t met me yet. “She’s gonna love me, oh yes she will.” Oh, Eric Elbogen, you don’t need a love potion. If your awesome isn’t enough to win her over, she doesn’t deserve you. My favorite line is actually when he says “Oh yeah” repeatedly, not due so much to any clever use of lyrics there, but more for the tone of his voice, which makes me happy.
8. Back Before We Were Brittle from The Wishes and The Glitch. The Wishes and The Glitch might be my favorite Say Hi album. Or Impeccable Blahs. It’s so hard to choose! This song seems to be about superheroes who are a little less powerful these days. Best bit: “Remember when we could save kittens from trees? Or have lunch on skyscrapers. Bring the villains to their knees.” Man, those were great days!
9. Sweet Sweet Heartkiller from Impeccable Blahs. This song makes me think of that episode of Homicide where Kyle Secor’s character hooked up with some chick and I think they had sex in a coffin. Which seems uncomfortable to me, especially since he’s 6’5″. Maybe she just slept in the coffin. I don’t know. Anyway, the chick in this song is actually a vampire, so it makes sense that she sleeps in a coffin, because that is totally a thing that vampires do. Best line? Any time he refers to Ginsu knives: “Her winks cut through me like a Ginsu.” “She bites through necks like a Ginsu.”
10. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh from Oohs & Aahs. I always lose count of the number of “ohs” in the title of this song. Also, it was apparently on an episode of Gossip Girl. Good for it! Lovely line? “If the devil was a girl and she wore a yellow tee, it would be the spitting image, but that’s all right with me.” Although I also appreciate the way “it’s the sound of her verbs,” because I can totally relate to that. Please marry me.
A specific quality I look for in my famous people crushes is “Is this guy prettier than me?” That takes a lot of doing, of course, as anyone who knows me will testify that I am quite the looker. (No photographic evidence will be provided.)
This opening paragraph gives me an excuse to insert a photo of Takeshi Kaneshiro as the perfect example.
But there’s some guys out there who … well, just ain’t pretty. Some of them aren’t even all that tall, which is another trait I look for.
Which gives me an excuse to insert a photo of the 6’5″ Kyle Secor.
Right, right, moving on to shorter, less pretty guys, I present you with a list of 10 of them!
1. Simon Pegg. Yes, we’re all aware that recently, I’ve found Simon Pegg to be very, very hot. But if I’m honest with myself, which, we all have to admit, I rarely am, Simon Pegg is not actually all that hot. Except that he is. It’s like a paradox or oxymoron of some sort. I don’t know.
2. Adam Baldwin. Adam Baldwin is the opposite of pretty. He’s growly, he’s scary, he’s built like a brick …house! And every time he shoots at people or punches them in the face, I giggle like a schoolgirl. A schoolgirl with a gigantic crush on Adam Baldwin.
3. Jackie Earle Haley. Yeah, so, Jackie Earle Haley, huh? Jackie Earle Haley is shorter than me. He’s shorter than me! (By a quarter inch, but still!) And one of the best things about him playing Rorschach was that he was exactly the right shade of ugly. (I mean this as a compliment, Jackie Earle Haley! I love you!) Anyway, he’s mysteriously hot. It’s probably the whole Rorschach thing, I don’t know.
4. Eric Elbogen. (Of Say Hi.) Hey, it’s a musician! His lyrics make me laugh, and he seems to be about as geeky as I am. But he’s no (insert hot musician name here, because I can’t think of any), am I right?
5. Bruce Campbell. Bruce Campbell is hot because he’s Bruce Campbell. That is all.
6. Timothy Omundson. I watch USA’s Psych for two reasons: 1) to see how many pop culture references they can make in one minute; 2) because there’s something about Timothy Omundson that makes me feel all squishy.
7. (Nonpuffy) James Spader. James Spader, in his prime, was geeky, thin and pasty. And soooo sexy, right, ladies? I can’t even watch Boston Legal these days, and not just because it looks like a horrible show.
8. Kyle MacLachlan. One of my very first posts at this here blog was a faceoff between Agents Cooper and Mulder. Mulder came out ahead, but only just. I love you, Coop.
9. Speaking of the X-Files, Mitch Pileggi! Don’t ask me either, but he totally is, all right?
10. Britt Daniel. This Spoon frontman is a musician, much like Eric Elbogen, except he’s skinnier and blonder. I don’t know what that has to do with being a musician, but whatever. What makes him hot? He is the frontman of Spoon. That’s so hot.
Hey! It’s a Top Ten list! (Top Ten is one of my favorite Alan Moore series, by the way, and it makes me sad that he let some other writer take over and RUIN IT.)
1. “But I’m sitting at home, sipping this miso.” From Orange Shirt by Discovery. So a guy from Vampire Weekend and a guy from Ra Ra Riot got together and made an album with three songs that I really like, which is more songs than Vampire Weekend and Ra Ra Riot ever managed to do separately. I’m not quite sure, but I think Orange Shirt is about dating a Japanese girl while you’re living in Japan and she prefers conversing via text rather than face to face. I like the line about miso the best because 1) I can understand it and know I’ve got it right and 2) Miso is so very Japanese!
2. “If you want, I’ll give you eternal life. Well, not so much life, but have you ever seen a good zombie movie?” From what is possibly the best vampire song ever, Blah Blah Blah by Say Hi (To Your Mom). This whole song is awesome. Vampires, Star Trek quotes, a drum machine! I love you, Erik Elbogen!
3. “Isaiah fought, but was easily bested. Burned his body for incurring my wrath.” From The Rake’s Song by The Decemberists. This catchy little ditty is about how the self-called rake murders all his children after his baby machine of a wife dies in childbirth. It’s incredibly disturbing, yet I find myself humming it all the time.
4. “I have five clocks in my life, and only one has the time right. I’ll just unplug it for today.” From Daylight by Matt & Kim. This cheerful song is the perfect remedy to The Rake’s Song. In fact, it’s on my playlist immediately following, so I don’t sit there and suffer the guilty feeling of liking a child-murder song. I’m not sure what Daylight is about, but it’s really fun to listen to. It just seems happy. I like this line particularly, ’cause the guy just really doesn’t want to know what time it is. I wonder why.
5. “It’s twenty seconds to the last call.” From 1901 by Phoenix. Lately, somebody’s been using this song in a television commercial. (Some people consider that sort of thing “selling out,” and let me tell you, if I had written a song and someone wanted to use it in a commercial and pay me money for it, there would be no stopping my path down the road to selling out.) I like songs that reference last call. You’ve got 20 seconds to get your last drinks, people! Get on it! Phoenix is a French band, but their English is quite good.
6. “Yoku Wakanai.” From Yoku Wakanai by Otal. “Wakarimasen” is Japanese for “I don’t understand.” Make sure you pronounce it right, or no one will understand you. “Yoku Wakanai” is Japanese for “I really don’t understand.” (Although, if you buy the song from iTunes, the translation is “It doesn’t understand,” which is just stupid. Stupid, stupid iTunes.) That’s the only lyric in the whole song I can understand, but it’s quite pretty.
7. “It’s the same old covers, the same old lovers that warm us through the night.” From Tokyo Sky by Stellastarr*. Couple things here. 1) I’m always cold, so lyrics about keeping warm make me happy. 2) Frak you guys for the asterisk in your name. What is up with that? “Stellastarr” wasn’t indie-rock enough? Like your music though!
8. “Come down, come quickly. Look at the lights in the big city.” From Coast of Carolina by Telekinesis. This is a close one, what with the line about the smoke coming from the sewers possibly being toxic also being one of my favorites, but this line wins in the end for reminding me of my love of big cities. This song is also in some sort of commercial, but it’s only got the “Nah nah nah-nah-nah-nah-nah” part.
9. “Like that good Hole album, I can live through this.” From Camp Out by An Horse. Live Through This was a really good Hole album, I don’t care how bad Courtney Love sucked then and continues to suck now. Thanks for the reminder, Kate Cooper and Damon Cox! (I also like the line “My hips won’t give anything away.”)
10. “When the spring brings the sun, I’ll finally sleep, I’ll finally feel better when the winter’s gone.” From November was White, December was Grey by my hero, Eric Elbogen. This whole song is about how bad winter sucks and how you’re trapped inside because it’s too godforsaken cold to go outside, and he’s paced so much he’s worn the carpet out and why is it still winter dammit? Even when the weather is temperate to hot, I like this song, but it especially speaks to me now as I suffer through sub-zero temps.
Q. Hey, Eric Elbogen of the excellent band Say Hi, are you in the market for a bodyguard?
A. Because I am totally awesome at throwing myself in front of things and shouting “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”