On horses and giants and fitting names

June 20, 2017 at 3:44 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , )

My daughter is obsessed with the new Legend of Zelda. And she loves going on side quests, like taming a giant horse. And then she gets to name the giant horse. AND THEN SHE DOESN’T NAME IT FEZZIK, which is what all giant things should be named all the time, forever.

“What’s wrong with Fezzik?”

“Neigh! I’m a giant horse and I should be named Fezzik. Neigh!”

 

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No, really, I hate country music

June 10, 2017 at 9:01 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

Lady: So, are you going to the Garth Brooks concert?

Me: No, I really hate country music.

Lady: But it’s Garth Brooks!

Me: Right. Garth Brooks, the country musician?

Hey, look, it’s not that he’s not good at what he does, it’s that what he does is the most annoying form of music.

 

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Google on haircuts

June 8, 2017 at 10:16 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So it’s been over a year since my terrible, bad, made-me-cry haircut and my hair is growing out and it looks really stupid.

So I googled “best short haircuts for wavy mixed-race hair.”

These haircuts …

… are neither …

.. short …

… nor wavy.

FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE, GOOGLE.

Eh, maybe this’ll work.

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Good ninja, bad name

April 26, 2017 at 10:57 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

This weekend, I got a new ninja plushie!

I don’t have a problem! This is not my bedroom!

“What’s his name?” my daughter said, even though I never name my plushies because I am an adult person and an adult person would never do anything silly like name a plush.

“Uhhh … Shinobu,” I said, suddenly unable to remember the name “Sarutobi Sasuke,” which is what I wanted to say, because at least if I, as an adult person, am going to name an adorable ninja plushie, I want to name it after a cool ninja.

Anyway, now my daughter won’t let me change his name.

“He looks like a Shinobu,” she says.

… He kind of does.

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Not a remake of the Clara Bow flick

March 31, 2017 at 9:10 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

So I guess they’re making an It movie?

But I guess they didn’t cast Tim Curry as Pennywise?

So I guess nobody will actually be scared?

So I guess why are they bothering?

Yes, clowns are scary, but do you know what’s scarier than clowns? Tim Curry. Tim Curry is scarier than clowns.

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No, it’s perfectly rational

March 24, 2017 at 10:03 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

A guy I ran into at my part-time job this weekend revealed to me that he had voted for Trump. He didn’t mind the white supremacists and neo-Nazis advising the president, he said, because at least they’d protect us from the Muslims.

He works at a fast food restaurant, and it is so bad there, he said, that they can no longer just stick the bacon and the hamburger meat together. BECAUSE OF THE MUSLIMS!

I waited for more.

But there wasn’t more. That was all. That was why he hates Muslims.

Seriously, guy, you SUCK.

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Turkeys, dead cats, whatever

March 6, 2017 at 10:53 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

So “Turkeys circling a dead cat” doesn’t sound like a viral video. It’s sounds more like an extended cut by some godawful jam band.

"Man, I love 'Turkeys Circling a Dead Cat.'" "I don't know, man, I prefer the remix: 'Dead Cat Being Circled By Turkeys.'"

“Man, I love ‘Turkeys Circling a Dead Cat.'”
“I don’t know, man, I prefer the remix: ‘Dead Cat Being Circled By Turkeys.'”

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Let me correct this headline for you

March 2, 2017 at 12:28 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

The headline in the newspaper read: “Protestors support suspended host,” but this is more accurate: “Racist not wrong to say racist things, other racists say.”

"Look, it's just that every single member of that other race is bad."

“Look, it’s just that every single member of that other race is bad.”

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Of course you are, Daines

February 14, 2017 at 11:24 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So, after silencing Senator Elizabeth Warren because apparently it’s really, really mean to read a letter from Martin Luther King Jr.’s wife that points out that a racist is indeed a racist, Montana Senator Steve “It’s Short For Steven, But Not That Short” Daines is appealing for campaign donations because he was brave enough to tell a lady to shut up.

I can only imagine the plea for donations goes something like this: “Donate to me, Steve Daines! I’ll keep those uppity women and black people in their places!!”

"Oooh, actually, that's better than what we had. We should hire this chick."

“Oooh, actually, that’s better than what we had. We should hire this chick.”

 

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The answer is obvious, I think

February 13, 2017 at 12:11 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

I keep getting this spam in my work e-mail that says: “What did Trump have that Hillary didn’t?”

And I’m like: “Uh, duh, a penis?”

"She definitely didn't have a penis, it's true." -- This Guy

“She definitely didn’t have a penis, it’s true.” — This Guy

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