Just take some melatonin already, you idiot

September 8, 2017 at 10:01 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

So I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. (Well, more trouble than usual, I mean.) To remedy that, I’ve started drinking more.

“I am so relaxed right now!”

Studies say: drinking more doesn’t help you sleep.

I say: To hell with that! I’m different from everybody in your studies! I’m sure I will sleep better after I have all the vodka and the whiskey!

Pictured here: My dinner.

In conclusion, I’m so very sleepy and also out of vodka and whiskey.

Also, for some reason, I have a headache and my stomach hurts? Weird, huh?


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Countdown to Japan

July 26, 2017 at 3:10 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

So it’s less than a week till my daughter and I leave for Japan, and my mother is getting a little cranky.

“I’d’ve gone if you’d invited me,” she said.

“Uh, yeah, that’s what we were afraid of,” I said.

Ha, ha, in your face, Mom, enjoy your time NOT in Japan!

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Another perfectly reasonable question – daughter version

July 18, 2017 at 10:13 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

“Why do you say you would die for me, but then run away and leave me behind when the wasps come?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, I’m too busy running from all these wasps!”

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Specialized spam….

July 6, 2017 at 1:46 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

I was going to keep going with the whole “sp” sounds there, but then I couldn’t think of anything except “sputter” and “Spartan,” so an ellipsis it is.

Anyway, today I’ll be complaining about the spam at work, because I get spam from spambots who clearly think I’m a bigoted Trump-loving Republican who hates Megyn Kelly (one out of four ain’t bad, I guess).

But the weird thing is our main inbox is clearly a diabetic dude with erectile dysfunction.

“The diabetes is probably causing your inbox’s erectile dysfunction.” — Thus sayeth the spambot.

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On horses and giants and fitting names

June 20, 2017 at 3:44 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , )

My daughter is obsessed with the new Legend of Zelda. And she loves going on side quests, like taming a giant horse. And then she gets to name the giant horse. AND THEN SHE DOESN’T NAME IT FEZZIK, which is what all giant things should be named all the time, forever.

“What’s wrong with Fezzik?”

“Neigh! I’m a giant horse and I should be named Fezzik. Neigh!”


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No, really, I hate country music

June 10, 2017 at 9:01 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

Lady: So, are you going to the Garth Brooks concert?

Me: No, I really hate country music.

Lady: But it’s Garth Brooks!

Me: Right. Garth Brooks, the country musician?

Hey, look, it’s not that he’s not good at what he does, it’s that what he does is the most annoying form of music.


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Google on haircuts

June 8, 2017 at 10:16 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So it’s been over a year since my terrible, bad, made-me-cry haircut and my hair is growing out and it looks really stupid.

So I googled “best short haircuts for wavy mixed-race hair.”

These haircuts …

… are neither …

.. short …

… nor wavy.


Eh, maybe this’ll work.

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Good ninja, bad name

April 26, 2017 at 10:57 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

This weekend, I got a new ninja plushie!

I don’t have a problem! This is not my bedroom!

“What’s his name?” my daughter said, even though I never name my plushies because I am an adult person and an adult person would never do anything silly like name a plush.

“Uhhh … Shinobu,” I said, suddenly unable to remember the name “Sarutobi Sasuke,” which is what I wanted to say, because at least if I, as an adult person, am going to name an adorable ninja plushie, I want to name it after a cool ninja.

Anyway, now my daughter won’t let me change his name.

“He looks like a Shinobu,” she says.

… He kind of does.

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Not a remake of the Clara Bow flick

March 31, 2017 at 9:10 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

So I guess they’re making an It movie?

But I guess they didn’t cast Tim Curry as Pennywise?

So I guess nobody will actually be scared?

So I guess why are they bothering?

Yes, clowns are scary, but do you know what’s scarier than clowns? Tim Curry. Tim Curry is scarier than clowns.

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No, it’s perfectly rational

March 24, 2017 at 10:03 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

A guy I ran into at my part-time job this weekend revealed to me that he had voted for Trump. He didn’t mind the white supremacists and neo-Nazis advising the president, he said, because at least they’d protect us from the Muslims.

He works at a fast food restaurant, and it is so bad there, he said, that they can no longer just stick the bacon and the hamburger meat together. BECAUSE OF THE MUSLIMS!

I waited for more.

But there wasn’t more. That was all. That was why he hates Muslims.

Seriously, guy, you SUCK.

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