Man, that’s a long post title.
Anyway, recently, you’ve noticed your significant other seems to be displaying some sort of ice-related powers. First off, that’s really cool! (Ha, ha, get it? Do you get it? It was a joke! Do you get it?) Secondly, which ice-powered superbeing could your significant other be?
Let’s find out, via the power of making a list!
1. Elsa from Frozen. Let’s just get her out of the way, shall we? If you’re dating Elsa from Frozen, you’re dating an icy blonde with anime eyes and an inferiority complex THIS BIG.
2. The Ice King. If you’re dating Adventure Time’s The Ice King, then you’re a princess! Good for you.
3. The Snow Queen. More royalty! Just be careful, because, like the Blondie song, she’s got a heart of … wait, what is that song, anyway?
4. Mr. Freeze. Prepare yourself for cold-related puns or a tragic backstory. It really depends on which continuity you’re in.
5. Iceman. The X-Men’s Iceman seems like he would be a nice boy to take home to meet your parents, unless they have some sort of anti-mutant bigotry thing going on.
6. Jack Frost. The personification of winter, before Hans Christian Anderson came along and was all: “Winter is obviously a girl, and a mean one, der!”, if you’re dating Jack Frost, and he asks you if you’re chilly, just say no.
7. Storm. Not only does Storm have snow and ice powers, she could also make a balmy day so the two of you could enjoy a relaxing picnic together. That’s nice.
8. Yuki-Onna. Oh, right, the Japanese also think Winter is a lady, but at least she’s beautiful.
9. Santa Claus. Santa Claus has snow powers, right?
10. Elijah Snow. Whoa, whoa, buddy. If you’re dating Elijah Snow, you are stepping ALL OVER my territory. That’s just not cool. (It’s a joke, do you get it? Ha ha!) Seriously, though, stay away from my boy Elijah, or I will end you.
So I guess I didn’t realize it was already opening weekend for X-Men: Days of Future Past, because didn’t Godzilla just open last weekend? That seems like a lot of geek properties all at once, like, jeez, maybe space it out so we can save up our movie-going money, ’cause movies are expensive.
Anyway, it already is opening weekend, because if you’re going to spend a holiday weekend with your family, you might as well spend it at the movies, where you don’t have to talk with them.
Especially because holy cats look at all the mutants and Wolverine is time-traveling for some reason (truth-telling time here: I love comic books, but I’ve never been big on the superhero ones, so I didn’t even know it was supposed to be Kitty Pryde doing the time-traveling until I read complaints on other blogs) and Michael Fassbender is saying things and so is Ian McKellen, and also Patrick Stewart and the guy who plays young Patrick Stewart is there and — oooh, is that Blink? It is! It is Blink! — and Sentinels blowing shit up but good!
Anyway, don’t bother me this weekend, I’ve got some immense geeking out to do.
Guys, I know it’s hard out there in the dating world, what with all the ladies dating the vampires and werewolves and what-have-you. And what have you got for mythical creatures? Ha! Mermaids, if you’re lucky.
But the good news is: you have found a girl. She seems nice, doesn’t she? But lately, you’ve noticed, she’s acting a bit … well … mutated.
So perhaps you’re dating a mutant?
Let’s find out.
1. Does your special lady friend have the power to read your mind and also turn her body into diamond-like substance, rendering her almost impossible to harm?
That doesn’t seem fair, you know. Maybe if she wasn’t hogging all the superpowers, there’d be more left for the rest of us.
2. Can she walk through walls?
Not in a ghosty way, more like in a telephase-y kind of way?
3. When you kiss, does she absorb your life energy?
Possibly sending you into a coma, depending on said kiss’s intensity?
4. Can she control the elements of nature?
And does she have a kind of stupid name?
5. Does she sometimes get possessed by something called the Phoenix Force and then try to destroy the universe or something?
Also, did she kill you in the third X-Men movie and you immediately rebounded to Superman’s ex-girlfriend?
6. Do people keep asking you why you’re two- and three-timing your girlfriend, and where did all those hot ladies come from anyway, and what do they see in you?
“Guys, she’s a shapeshifter,” you protest, and they roll their eyes?
7. Does she have a band, sometimes roller-skates, likes disco and pretty lights?
And does she have a ridiculously bad superhero name?
8. Speaking of pretty lights, can she create plasma explosions?
Also, did she later lose her mutant powers and get turned into a vampire and … really? Gods, no wonder I don’t read any X-Men series.
9. Is she scarlet and also a witch?
You could do worse.
10. Does she only have one eye and live in the future?
Stop dating her! She and Phillip J. Fry are meant to be together, dammit!
So, to answer your question: Yes, without a doubt, you are absolutely dating a mutant.
What with all the mutants out there, it’s hard to tell which one you’re dating. It could be anyone, really. But it’s probably Wolverine, because, man, does that guy get around.
But how can you be certain to a passably certain extent?
By checking out this handy-dandy guide, that’s how.
1. Is your boyfriend short and hairy?
But not too short and hairy.
2. Does he sometimes look like Hugh Jackman?
Who doesn’t want to date the Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
3. Does he still carry a torch for his old girlfriend?
Except she wasn’t really his girlfriend because she was engaged to this other guy, and then she died, and then she came back and … it’s complicated, okay?
4. Does he suffer from amnesia?
Not anterograde amnesia though. Just regular old retrograde amnesia?
5. Sometimes, when he’s alone in the bathroom, do you hear a sound like “Snikt”?
“What’s that, honey?” “Nothing! Leave me alone!”
6. Does he have a mutant healing power?
Also, he doesn’t age, like Elijah Snow, except less awesome?
7. How ’bout an adamantium skeleton? Has he got one of those?
“Dammit, I told the airport security already that I’ve emptied everything out of my pockets.”
8. Does he sometimes talk about his old girlfriend, the weather goddess chick?
Wolverine dated Storm, right?
9. When he goes places, like other comic book titles, does it automatically make them sell better?
Everybody loves Wolverine.
10. Last but not least, does he suffer a fatal weakness in battles against Magneto?
Unless it’s one of those times when adamantium is a magical metal that Magneto can’t affect?
Look, I know you think you’re my second choice, and it’s true. I do love Young Magneto more than you. But since my last post featured so many pictures of Michael Fassbender, I felt you deserved the spotlight. Also, the Internet was running out of good pictures of him, so there was that.
But don’t get me wrong: I do love you.
Sure, you’re, like, a decade too young for me, and you’re a ginger, if that’s still an insult, but I still love you.
I mean, Jesus, your voice.
It’s got this, like, crazy husky thing going on. I could seriously listen to you talk for hours, especially if you were talking about that time you used to hang out with Magneto, back when he was young.
Plus, you’re tall, which is a … you know, plus.
Oooh, and you have the superpower of screaming and somehow that makes you fly. That’s pretty cool, albeit probably a bit annoying in practice.
Anyway, you’re welcome to marry me if your mom will let you.
And if she’s not cool with that, maybe we could be pen pals?
Since nobody took me up on my offer to go to X-Men: First Class on their dime, I ended up not seeing it until this weekend. And it was so good, squeeeeee, you know, you already saw it, but wow!
Like, my favorite things were Magneto and the way he totally kept superpowering people to death. Also Magneto and the way he climbed out of water in a black suit and was dripping wet. In addition, Magneto and the way he … did stuff. In conclusion, I want to have Michael Fassbender’s babies now, very much.
Outside of my enduring love for Erik Lensherr and his superpower of being the best mutant ever, I also very much enjoyed Banshee, who was totally adorable and had such a deep voice for such a skinny kid, and Havok, who (if I remember correctly, and I don’t guarantee that I do) is totally Cyclops’s older brother!
I was not so much a fan of the ladies, but I figure Mystique needs some time to grow into her awesomeness and stop saying “Mutant and Proud,” because that is really annoying, thankyouverymuch. I’m not sure what could improve Moira MacTaggert or Angel, but Emma Frost was about what I expected, which is just fine.
But that doesn’t matter, because did I mention that scene where Magneto stabs the Nazi in the hand and then magnetics another Nazi to death, then stabs some other guy with the knife, then magnetics the knife out of him and stabs the Nazi in the hand again and then shoots that guy? Because I meant to mention that scene if I didn’t.
And also the scene where he rips that ship to shreds with the anchor?
Also where he pulls the submarine out of the water?
Plus, thanks to X-Men: First Class, I finally know that Sebastian Shaw has the power of energy absorption, like that guy in Stormwatch. Except that guy was Russian and not Kevin Bacon.
I also learned that Charles Xavier has been a prissy little bitch, but that I don’t mind it as much when it’s coming from Jean-Luc Picard.
In conclusion, I totally will forgive this movie for killing off the guy whose superpower was “adapting to survive” as long as there is a second movie that will explain what happened to all these super-awesome mutants and also has more scenes of Michael Fassbender doing situps or something.
I know, I know. You’d think this would be a battle between Gandalf and that one wizard from the Harry Potter books who looks a lot like him because everybody is always comparing the two. And I suppose it would be, except what is that wizard’s name anyway?
Also: Two Ian McKellans! You can’t go wrong with that.
On to the battle!
Physicality. Gandalf is a wizard in the Lord of the Rings who looks pretty much the way you’d expect a wizard to do, with the bonus of being portrayed by Ian McKellan.
Magneto is a master of magnetism, who, like many a robot before him, hates puny humans. Also, he has the bonus of being portrayed by Ian McKellan. Both these guys look like Ian McKellan, so it’s a tie, right? Not so fast, friend! Magneto was played by that one guy in the prequel, who was hot, but not so hot, apparently, that I can remember his name. Still, he was pretty hot.
More powerful? Magneto, as mentioned previously, is a master of magnetism. Which means blah blah blah science, he is practically all powerful. Also, he can kick Wolverine’s ass a lot, which is funny. Also, he has a cool (?) helmet that blocks Professor X’s mind control.
On the other hand, Gandalf is a powerful wizard. At first he’s a grey wizard, but then, after a battle against a flame monster, he becomes a white wizard somehow. (What? Yes, I didn’t read the books, as a matter of fact, why do you ask?) White wizards are something something magic, so he’s all powerful too. Although he doesn’t have the nifty helmet.
Winner? Gandalf, because magic beats science any day. Well, except in reality, but reality can go to hell.
Has a cooler entourage? It’s not like people (read as: mutants and wizards) as powerful as Magneto and Gandalf really have a lot of friends. No, they have followers. And who follows Magneto? Well, in the first X-Men movie, you’ve got Mystique, Sabretooth and Toad. Bonus points for Toad being played by Ray Park, a god among men.
In the second movie, it’s mostly Mystique, but then Johnny Whatsisname hooks up with them, so that’s cool, I guess. In the third movie, let’s pretend I had a stroke and never saw it.
Gandalf is part of a fellowship, some might say. The fellowship includes some hobbits, an extremely pretty elf with the superpower of arrowing you right in the brains…
…some human guy with a magic sword or something (What? Why, yes, I did kind of zone out during the movies, why do you ask?) and a dwarf. Bonus points for the dwarf being played by Jonathan Rhys Davies, a king among men.
Winner? The guy with all the mutants on his side: Magneto.
Fights a greater evil? Gandalf and his fellowship must face off against the mighty Sauron, who is so evil he manifests as a giant, hideous eye floating in the sky. That’s pretty evil, I guess. On the other hand, Magneto is the great evil that must be defeated in the X-Men movies and comic books. So, uh, winner? Gandalf.
Better costume? Gandalf’s costume is the traditional wizard garb of a flowing cloak and magic staff (or walking cane, I guess. I totally didn’t see the third movie at all). Magneto’s costume is the traditional evil villain garb of smashing black with a dandy cape. Also, he’s got that helmet.
Doesn’t murder any hobbits? You know, for an all-powerful being forced to spend so much time with those annoying little hobbits, Gandalf sure kills way less of them than you would think. The total is none, as far as I can tell, but if he goes on some sort of hobbit-murdering spree in the third movie, I’m sure someone will correct me in the comments. And insult my parentage. Magneto also doesn’t kill any hobbits, but he does kill a bunch of humans, so we’ll give this one to Gandalf. Winner? Gandalf.
Doesn’t have to deal with any hideous little henchmen? Sure, some people might think it’s hideous the way Toad uses his tongue for … well, everything, but those people have forgotten that he’s played by Ray Park and Ray Park wins at everything. Then you’ve got the third X-Men movie, which doesn’t exist. Moving right along, Gandalf has to put up with Gollum, one of the most hideous pieces of CGI ever put to film. Winner? Magneto.
Has better hair? Man, I’ll bet it takes Gandalf hours to comb all the tangles out. Winner? Gandalf.
The tiebreaker: Has a cooler means of transportation? Gandalf rides on a magical white horse, which is cool, because how does he keep that thing from getting dirty? (Magic, right?) On the other hand, Magneto uses the power of magnetism to fly, which I’m sure is totally scientifically possible.
Overall winner? Magneto, but it might have been Gandalf if I cared more about the source material.
Sometimes, it’s nice when a faltering franchise rewards us by putting out a new movie that looks HOLY CRAP COMPLETELY AWESOME.
I mean, did you see the way Michael Fassbender was doing stuff? Things and stuff?
(Seriously, I think you could put Michael Fassbender in a movie extolling the virtues of quilting and wearing traveling pants, and I would be tempted to watch it, because have you seen that man? Such screen presence! Such physical beauty!)
Oooh, oooh, and then there’s Beast and Emma Frost and Charles Xavier and Banshee and some other X-Men that I really can’t remember their names but they look really cool, and I don’t know, maybe it’s ’cause it’s set in the ’60s, but doesn’t this movie seem really classy to you guys too?
And I love how it makes it pretty clear that, yeah, Professor X is a dick, and he knows it and everyone knows it, and it’s OK because he’s totally got superpowers.
Also, the special effects are just gorgeous, and the action sequences, and just everything! I have to see this movie.
Dear James Marsden,
You are so talented and cute and funny, and you make me so sad. Why do you make me so sad?
Let’s look at your resume, shall we?
X-Men: The Last Stand?
I mean, sure, there’s some winners in there, like X-Men and X2 and Enchanted, but then you do a voice part in Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore?
(Why is this post mostly questions?)
James Marsden, what I am saying, sir, is this: Please stop starring in movies like Hop, which is a Russell Brand vehicle for some reason, because someone apparently wants that stringy-haired Brit to be famous. More famous? (Like, Arthur? What the hell is up with that?)
(Why can’t I stop phrasing things in the form of questions today? Am I channeling Alex Trebek?)
To continue, James Marsden, I implore you to be in films that are worthy of 1) your looks; 2) your comedic timing; 3) your looks again; 4) your acting ability; and 5) definitely your looks some more.
I’m trying to think of some good suggestions right now, but nothing is coming to me.
Just not the new Wonder Woman television series, OK?
Thanks for your consideration.
(Oh, and in case you were wondering, I’m not seeing Hop.)