R. Dorothy Wayneright vs. Robin

October 20, 2016 at 10:12 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , )

In one corner, we have the best lady android ever, R. Dorothy Wayneright. She is the sidekick of the Japanese Batman, who wears nice suits and pilots a giant robot, making him even more awesome than regular Batman.

You guys, giant robots are SO AWESOME.

You guys, giant robots are SO AWESOME.

In the other corner, we have Robin, who is the sidekick of regular Batman, who is actually pretty awesome, even if he doesn’t pilot a giant robot.

Despite this image, Batman is still awesome.

Despite this image, Batman is still awesome.

Who shall win? Let’s find out, why not.

Physicality. Robin is an athletic teenage boy or young man in his early 20s, depending on your source. I mean, sure, who doesn’t like athletic young men, amiright? R. Dorothy Wayneright is a robot designed to look like a young woman with a really cute pageboy. Winner? I’m a sucker for girls with cute pageboys. R. Dorothy Wayneright.

I wish my hair looked cute in a pageboy.

I wish my hair looked cute in a pageboy.

Is a fighting machine? Robin has been trained to be a fighting machine by Batman, the fightiest of all the fighting superheroes. On the other hand, R. Dorothy Wayneright is actually a machine. Winner? R. Dorothy Wayneright.

Also: She'll cut you. She'll cut you good.

Also: She’ll cut you. She’ll cut you good.

Lives in a post-apocalyptic world, or possibly a Matrix-esque simulation? Robin lives in, like, our world, except physics is insane there, which must be nice, because people can fly and whatever. R. Dorothy Wayneright lives in Paradigm City, where everybody lost their memories 40 years ago, after some sort of apocalyptic scenario, or else everything is just a Matrix-esque simulation and life is only a fleeting dream. Winner? R. Dorothy Wayneright.

Sadly, nobody has superpowers. Happily, there are giant robots.

Sadly, nobody has superpowers. Happily, there are giant robots.

Has a better code name? Dick Grayson’s code name is Robin, which is a pretty, pretty bird. R. Dorothy Wayneright’s code name is R. Dorothy Wayneright, because awesome lady androids don’t need code names, that why. Winner? R. Dorothy Wayneright.

You look into her cold dead eyes and tell her she needs a code name, why not.

You look into her cold dead eyes and tell her she needs a code name, why not.

This battle is seeming pretty lopsided. Yeah, I’m rewatching The Big O, and I remembered how much I love R. Dorothy Wayneright, and I never have liked Robin, but I haven’t had any good blog ideas lately, so I thought, hey! Why not?

I really enjoy noir-ish anime featuring giant robots, Japanese Batman and the best lady android ever.

I really enjoy noir-ish anime featuring giant robots, Japanese Batman and the best lady android ever.

So should we just call it then? Yes. Yes, we should.

Overall winner? R. Dorothy Wayneright, the best lady android ever!

I'm still sorry about that, Caprica Six.

I’m still sorry about that, Caprica Six.

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Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie Griffin

August 18, 2016 at 3:04 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

So here it is, the epic battle you’ve all been waiting for (now that April Ross and Kerri Walsh Jennings took the bronze in beach volleyball, that is): Dora the Explorer vs. Stewie from Family Guy!

“What?” you’re saying. Or possibly “WTF” if you’re one of those hip young kids nowadays. “What could Dora the Explorer and Stewie from Family Guy possibly have in common?”

Well, I’ll tell you. Their heads are both shaped like footballs.

Now that you've seen it ...

Now that you’ve seen it …

... you can't unsee it!

… you can’t unsee it!

So, on that exceedingly flimsy basis: On to the battle!

Physicality. Dora the Explorer is a cartoon girl with a head shaped like a football. Stewie from Family Guy is a creepy cartoon baby with a head shaped like a football. Who is more attractive? Well, you’ll notice I used the word “creepy” to describe one of them. The winner is the one who isn’t creepy. Winner? Dora the Explorer.

It probably helps that she has hair to disguise that football-shaped gourd of hers.

It probably helps that she has hair to disguise that football-shaped gourd of hers.

Goes on marvelous adventures? Dora the Explorer goes on marvelous adventures. Stewie from Family Guy, I don’t know, makes the same jokes over and over? (I, ah, don’t watch Family Guy. I kind of hate it. Probably this won’t go well for the creepy football-shaped head baby from Family Guy). Winner? Dora the Explorer.

"Oh, such adventures I had when I was a child, little ones. Now come sit round Granny's lap and let me tell you all about it."

“Oh, such adventures I had when I was a child, little ones. Now come sit round Granny’s lap and let me tell you all about it.”

Is friends with a talking animal? Well, isn’t this a coincidence! Dora the Explorer’s best friend is a talking monkey. Stewie from Family Guy’s best friend is a talking dog. What is up with cartoons, right? Winner? It’s a tie.

I suppose I could've said "Talking animal with a drinking problem" and just given Stewie this category, but I didn't wanna.

I suppose I could’ve said “Talking animal with a drinking problem” and just given Stewie this category, but I didn’t wanna.

Is more homicidal? Stewie the creepy awful murder baby from Family Guy wants to kill his mom, unless they’re done with that joke.

I suspect they're not done with that joke.

I suspect they’re not done with that joke.

Dora the Explorer wants to teach kids colors and shapes and things like that. She seems nice. Winner? Stewie from Family Guy.

Evil little creepy little awful murder baby that he is.

Evil little creepy little awful murder baby that he is.

Knows how to use a map? You’d think it would be Dora the Explorer, right? But this is a trick question, because Dora has a map that flies and sings! (I think? It’s been a while since my kid was young enough to watch this show.) Anyway, whatever magical things Dora the Explorer’s map does, it’s not something a real map would do. But what of Stewie from Family Guy, you ask? Eh, he probably uses GPS. Winner? Nobody.

"No, kids, you're ALL winners! Don't do drugs."

“No, kids, you’re ALL winners! Don’t do drugs.”

Overall winner in this fictional character battle that shows I’m desperately running out of ideas and need to be exposed to more characters from pop culture, STAT? Dora the Explorer, but only because I hate Family Guy so much.

The Parents Television Council agrees with me, though probably not because of how derivative and annoying it is.

The Parents Television Council agrees with me, though probably not because of how derivative and annoying it is.

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Veronica Mars vs. Liv Moore

May 5, 2016 at 10:20 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , )

The titular blondes of two Rob Thomas series (hey, iZombie is titular enough, plus I hardly ever get to use the word “titular,” so file it under creative license, durnit), Veronica Mars and Liv Moore have several things in common. Like being blonde or something. Snarky, maybe.

Veronica Mars: titular.

Veronica Mars: titular.

iZombie: Slightly less titular.

iZombie: Slightly less titular.

Anyway, which one do I prefer?

We’ll find out … in this fictional character battle!

Physicality. Veronica Mars is cute as a button and, despite her shortness, has legs that go on for days. Liv Moore is also cute as a button, working the whole goth girl thing. Winner? Despite my love of Kristen Bell, I have to say that I’m kind of into Liv’s pastiness. Liv Moore.

Blonde goths have more fun, or something.

Blonde goths have more fun, or something.

Punnier name? Veronica Mars is a cool name. It just rolls right off the tongue. But Olivia “Liv” Moore began living more (ha! so punny!) once she became a zombie. Winner? Liv Moore.

"I've never felt so alive! Also: BRAAAAAAINS."

“I’ve never felt so alive! Also: BRAAAAAAINS.”

Solves more crimes? Veronica Mars is an amateur detective who solves literally TONS of crimes (not literally). She even solves her best friend’s murder! Liv Moore is an assistant medical examiner who helps the police solve murders. Winner? It’s a tie!

Solves more crimes using plain old detective work? The truth is, Liv Moore helps solve crimes through the power of being a zombie. That’s right! She gets psychic flashes and memories from the brains of murder victims she’s eaten! While handy, that’s totally cheating. Veronica Mars has never eaten another human’s brain in her life. As far as I know. Winner? Veronica Mars.

"Hello. I'm here to solve crimes and have awesome hair."

“Hello. I’m here to solve crimes and have awesome hair.”

Better new best friend? After Veronica Mars’ first best friend Lilly Kane is brutally murdered, Veronica Mars befriends the awesome Wallace Fennel, and they become BFF for double-ever. After Liv Moore turns into a zombie, she ditches her old life to work in the morgue, where she befriends Ravi Chakrabarti, the most wonderful person to ever exist. He’s British, he’s tall, he loves Star Wars — oh, and he’s totally down with Liv’s zombieness and is working on a cure. Also, he saves her life a couple of times. Also, he prevents the zombie apocalypse a lot. Winner? Liv Moore.

He doesn't even need hair this good.

He doesn’t even need hair this good.

Better old best friend? Lilly Kane, Veronica Mars’ first best friend, was a super-cool girl who did what she wanted, when she wanted, who she wanted. Which ultimately led to her getting her brains bashed in, but was probably a lot of fun up till that point. Liv Moore’s first best friend is Peyton Charles, who is probably the hottest person in the universe. She’s a DA, she can drink everybody under the table and, once she finds out about Liv’s zombieism, she’s eventually pretty cool with it. Winner? Liv Moore.

Peyton is so hot, y'all.

Peyton is so hot, y’all.

Better love interest? Veronica Mars’ was in love with her best friend’s brother, Blandguy Kane, whose name I always struggle to remember. Luckily, she came to her senses and hooked up with bad boy Logan Echolls, because they are soul mates (unless he tries to come between her and BFF Wallace, in which case he should be kicked straight to the curbside). Logan is bad because he’s tortured, man. He’s, like, sensitive, but so bad. Liv Moore’s ex-fiance is Major Lillywhite, which is an even dumber name than Liv Moore, and do you suppose she would have taken his last name if they had gotten married? Then she’d be Liv Lillywhite, which is just too much alliteration! And I love alliteration, because it’s easy! Liv has experimented with dating some dude zombies, but it never seemed to work out, so she’s probably destined to be with Major. Winner? Veronica Mars, because who doesn’t love a sensitive bad boy?

So sensitive! So bad! *Sighhhh*

So sensitive! So bad!
*Sighhhh*

Bigger badass? Veronica Mars will tazer the hell out of you if she has to. For a tiny little person, she’s also pretty good at hand to hand combat. And when worst comes to worst, she’s always got Backup — her dog, who will rip your throat out with his adorable teeth. However, Liv Moore will literally eat your brains if she has to. She is a zombie. Winner? Liv Moore.

Overall winner? Liv Moore, because apparently I like zombies more than teen girl detectives. Who knew, right?

I mean, other than all my previous posts about zombies, of course.

I mean, other than all my previous posts about zombies, of course.

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Sherlock Holmes vs. Han Solo

January 27, 2016 at 10:54 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , , , )

In this corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.

In the other corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.

OH GOD WHO WILL WIN????

Onward to the battle!

Physicality. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be handsome, but lately he’s been played by these attractive actors, like Basil Rathbone (lately?) and Benedict Cumberbatch. Han Solo, on the other hand, looks like Harrison Ford. Winner? Han Solo. Because he looks like Harrison Ford.

When I say "I love you" to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: "I know."

When I say “I love you” to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: “I know.”

Better sidekick? Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick is the ever-faithful, ever-ignoring-his-clients Dr. John Watson. Han Solo’s sidekick is Chewbacca the Wookiee, whom Spellchecker hates. Chewie is an 8-foot-tall hair monster who rips off people’s arms when he loses at space chess. He says “Ahrrr” a lot. Winner? Han Solo, because Chewbacca is awesome.

Eh, maybe he's only a 7'6" hair monster.

Eh, maybe he’s only a 7’6″ hair monster.

Is an interstellar space pilot? Sherlock Holmes lives in the 19th and early 20th century, where space travel was nothing more than a mad pipe dream. Also, he didn’t even know the earth was round, so he’d probably be just terrible at space piloting anyway. Han Solo, however, is an interstellar space pilot. Winner? Han Solo.

I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.

I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.

Comes back from certain death? Sherlock Holmes was dead for 10 years after being tossed over the edge of the Reichenbach Falls (spoiler alert: he never fell). He came back. Han Solo? … Not so much. Winner? Sherlock Holmes, because suck it, death.

"Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me."

“Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me.”

Doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? You know who has a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, that’s who. Also, her baby daddy, Han Solo. You know who doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Sherlock Holmes. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.

Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.

Solves more crimes? Han Solo is a smuggler. A smuggler in space! He is definitely not solving any crimes. Committing them, sure. Solving them, not so much. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective, the likes of which the world has never seen. He solves crimes like *insert cliche here*. He is a crime-solving machine. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.

"I certainly do enjoy solving crimes."

“I certainly do enjoy solving crimes.”

Has a cooler love interest? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t like ladies, or love, or anything except John Watson and cocaine and solving crimes. Han Solo fell for the ultra-badass Princess Leia, who is now a badass general. She is the coolest. Winner? Han Solo.

*Sighhhhhhh*

*Sighhhhhhh*

Has a light saber? Haaah, this is a trick question. Luke Skywalker has a light saber. Han Solo just has a laser gun. Winner? Nobody.

"'Just' a laser gun? Really?"

“‘Just’ a laser gun? Really?”

Wears a more iconic costume? True story: When I was in college, I dated a guy who idolized Han Solo , and wore cowboy boots and vests for years of his childhood in an effort to match his hero’s unique style of dress. That’s pretty iconic! Also, a really lame anecdote. But Sherlock Holmes has the deerstalker cap and cape! Winner? It’s a tie.

An iconic tie.

An iconic tie.

Is winning this fictional character battle? Han Solo, barely.

"Barely's still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely's still winning."

“Barely’s still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely’s still winning.”

Is that a surprise? Well, Sherlock Holmes always wins these things. But Han Solo is Han Solo, you know?

So he’s going to come out ahead? … Maybe?

Overall winner? I know this is going to be hard to believe, fellow Holmesians, but … Han Solo. Han Solo is the overall winner. I … think I might cry.

I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now. Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!

I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now.
Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!

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Atticus Finch vs. Matt Murdock

July 16, 2015 at 10:21 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

With all the to-do about the new Harper Lee novel that I won’t be reading, I’ve been thinking a lot about famous fictional lawyer Atticus Finch. You know who else is a famous fictional lawyer? Daredevil! Also known as Matt Murdock!

Up until doing an image search, I forgot Netflix's Daredevil existed.

Up until doing an image search, I forgot Netflix’s Daredevil existed.

Which one of these famous fictional lawyers is all-around better person (ignoring the fact that Atticus Finch turns into a racist in Go Set a Watchman, because I’m pretty sure that book was never meant to be published)? And which one do I just plain old like better, because I’m biased against certain fictional characters?

Let’s find out!

Physicality. Atticus Finch, in To Kill a Mockingbird, is a 50-year-old man who is dignified and wears glasses. Matt Murdock also wears glasses, because he is blind, which is his superpower somehow. Winner? It’s a tie.

Was portrayed in the movies by one of the most attractive men ever to exist? Atticus Finch was portrayed by Gregory Peck.

Here's a picture of Gregory Peck. With sideburns.

Here’s a picture of Gregory Peck.
With sideburns.

Matt Murdock was not portrayed by Gregory Peck. Winner? Atticus Finch.

Has adorable little kids that halt a lynching? Atticus Finch is the proud papa of Jem and Scout Finch, whom you should not name your children after, because those are silly nicknames, not their actual names. Jem and Scout prevent a lynching through the power of being adorable kids. I don’t think Matt Murdock has kids. Maybe he does. I don’t know. Whatever. Winner? Atticus Finch.

They're so cute, I never want to lynch anyone ever again!

They’re so cute, I never want to lynch anyone ever again!

Is a superhero? Atticus Finch is a southern man in the 1930s who defends a black man convicted of rape. Matt Murdock is Daredevil, a guy whose blindness gave him superpowers. Sometimes, superhero origin stories really strain the limits of belief. Winner? It’s a tie!

Is blind? Atticus Finch has to wear glasses, and he can barely see out of one eye. But he’s not blind. Matt Murdock, on the other hand, is blind, which gives him superpowers. I can’t emphasize enough how silly that is. Winner? Matt Murdock.

"I shall defeat evil through the power of BLINDNESS!"

“I shall defeat evil through the power of BLINDNESS!”

Saves more lives? Atticus Finch is a good lawyer, but the 1930s South was pretty racist. His client, Tom Robinson, is convicted of rape and shot to death trying to escape prison. Matt Murdock is a superhero. He saves all sorts of lives, all the time. Winner? Matt Murdock.

Looks better in red? Atticus Finch probably doesn’t even wear red. It was the 1930s, after all, and red wasn’t invented until 1942. Matt Murdock, when in costume as Daredevil, wears head-to-toe red for these two reasons: 1) DareDEVIL; 2) blindness. Winner? Nobody, because nobody looks good in red.

I'm actually familiar with Daredevil's origin, but being blind is still a silly superpower.

I’m actually familiar with Daredevil’s origin, but being blind is still a silly superpower.

Now we’re tied! It’s probably because I actually have no biases, at all, toward anything, and am a perfect human being.

Like Atticus Finch!

Like Atticus Finch!

Probably not. You’re right! It was all so I could have a highly loaded-in-one-character’s-favor tie-breaking question!!!!

Saves his neighborhood from a rabid dog, through the power of having really good aim? Atticus Finch, conveniently enough, totally saves his neighborhood from a rabid dog, through the power of having really good aim. He wins! He’s the winner! Atticus! Atticus!

"I was shouting Attica! Attica!"

I was shouting Attica! Attica!

Overall winner? The guy who was played by Gregory Peck in the movies, obviously, because have you seen Gregory Peck?

What's that? You say you have, because you've been reading this blog post? Well, here's another picture of Gregory Peck, anyway.

What’s that? You say you have, because you’ve been reading this blog post?
Well, here’s another picture of Gregory Peck, anyway.

 

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Slimer vs. Lumpy Space Princess

July 3, 2015 at 10:46 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , )

So there’s going to be two new Ghostbusters movies, which is something, I guess, but why can’t we just be satisfied with the Ghostbusters movie we have (there is only one), and make different funny movies?

“You’re right! We should remake The General!” — Hollywood

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, because I’ve been thinking about Ghostbusters (because there’s going to be two new Ghostbusters movies, which we totally don’t need), and I realized that Slimer…

This guy here.

This guy here.

…has a lot in common with Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess.

This guy here.

This guy here.

I’m sure I like one of them better than the other, though, and I’m sure you’re all excited to find out who and why.

On to the battle!

Physicality. Slimer is a lumpy, green, legless glob of ectoplasmic goo. Lumpy Space Princess is a lumpy, purple, legless glob of mystery goo. I like purple. Winner? Lumpy Space Princess.

Although I have to admit, she cleans up bad.

Although I have to admit, she cleans up bad.

Has more repulsive eating habits? Slimer is first discovered haunting a hotel, chowing down at a food cart. His manners are atrocious. I mean, food is getting everywhere, he’s making all these awful sounds. It’s disgusting. Lumpy Space Princess (also known as LSP, probably because it’s easier to say and type) ran away from home to become a hobo, living in the woods and sucking baked beans right out of the can and fighting raccoons for pieces of garbage chicken legs. Winner? It’s a tie, you disgusting creatures!

These cheesecakes are adorable, though.

These cheesecakes are adorable, though.

Has better friends? Slimer is a hideous ghost, and no one likes him. LSP is a hideous floating space princess thing, but her best friend is Turtle Princess…

“Hey, Girl.”

… and sometimes she hangs out with some of the other movers and shakers in the Adventure Time universe. Winner? LSP!

Wreaks more havoc? As a hideous ghost, Slimer haunts a hotel and pukes ectoplasm all over my third-favorite ghostbuster, Peter Venkman. The ghostbusters wreck up the place pretty bad trying to contain him, but that’s more on them than Slimer. Lumpy Space Princess nearly turned Jake the Dog into a Lumpy Space Person, accidentally trapped a romantic interest in a pocket of time, terrified a village of very tiny people and ate all their crops, nearly let the Lich back out into the world and pissed off a bunch of wolves one time. Winner? Lumpy Space Princess.

This image of a pug dressed as Lumpy Space Princess came up during an image search, and I couldn't not use it, you know?

This image of a pug dressed as Lumpy Space Princess came up during an image search, and I couldn’t not use it, you know?

More easily defeated? Sure, it took the ghostbusters a while to capture Slimer, but to be fair, it was their first ghostbusting job, and they were unfamiliar with the equipment. Lumpy Space Princess, on the other hand, runs rampant throughout the Land of Ooo to this very day. Winner? Slimer.

Ray, you know I love you, but work on that aim, okay?

Ray, you know I love you, but work on that aim, okay?

Overall winner? Lumpy Space Princess, because they’d better not remake Adventure Time. That would be terrible.

“Eh, we’ll at least wait until it’s done airing.” — Hollywood

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Bob Belcher vs. Sterling Malory Archer

March 9, 2015 at 10:44 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , )

It’s a battle of veritable cartoon giants! Mostly because I wanted to use the word “veritable”!

In one corner, you’ve got restaurateur Bob Belcher. In the other corner, you’ve got superspy Sterling Archer. What could these two gents possibly have in common?

Outside of gorgeous voices, not bloody much.

I would just like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to H. Jon Benjamin.

I would just like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to H. Jon Benjamin.

I mean, one guy runs a restaurant and one guy’s an international man of mystery! They have, almost literally, nothing in common!

Anyway, on to the possibly lopsided battle!

Physicality. Bob Belcher has a glorious, glorious mustache. I like using the word glorious to describe facial hair. Maybe you could tell. He’s a tad overweight and going a bit bald in back, and he seems pretty hairy. Sterling Archer has a strong jawline, jet-black hair and a cartoon physique to kill for. He would be the most attractive cartoon man ever, except Spike Spiegel exists. Winner? Spike Spiegel, because he’s the handsomest cartoon ever, and I will always love him.

I would like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to Spike Spiegel. Look, folks, I have a lot of undying love to give, all right?

I would like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to Spike Spiegel.
Look, folks, I have a lot of undying love to give, all right?

Better cook? Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. He makes burgers. Not just any burgers. Super gourmet burgers, with puns. Archer has a heroin-addicted houseboy (houseoldman?) to cook for him. Winner? Bob Belcher.

I hear they're coming out with a cookbook. I can't wait!

I hear they’re coming out with a cookbook. I can’t wait!

Better spy? Sterling Malory Archer (codename: Duchess) is the world’s most dangerous spy. Mostly due to friendly fire incidents, but still. Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. Winner? Sterling Archer.

Sterling Archer, pictured here: Probably spying?

Sterling Archer, pictured here: Probably … spying?

Runs a burger restaurant? This one time, Sterling Archer got amnesia from the trauma of his mother getting married, and he ran away and changed his name to Bob and ran a burger restaurant. True story! Winner? It’s a tie!

Here's my "pic or it didn't happen" pic.

Here’s my “pix or it didn’t happen” pic.

Better dressed? Bob Belcher mostly wears an apron, but he cleans up okay for nights out with the lady. (The lady would be Linda Belcher, his wife, obviously.)

I felt like this post needed another picture of Bob Belcher, but the man seriously never dresses up.

I felt like this post needed another picture of Bob Belcher, but the man seriously never dresses up.

Sterling Archer has, like, 20 black turtlenecks of varying shades of black, and also a bunch of fancy spy clothes. Winner? Sterling Archer.

Here's Sterling Archer, lookin' good in a suit, about to shoot, oh, I don't know, let's say ... Brett?

Here’s Sterling Archer, lookin’ good in a suit, about to shoot, oh, I don’t know, let’s say … Brett?

Better parent? Bob Belcher, unlike his spiritual successor, Homer Simpson, is not a moron. Also, he never strangles his children for comedic effect. Also, his three kids all seem relatively well-adjusted and like they actually love their parents and *sniff* I wish I was a Belcher!!! Sterling Archer recently discovered he’s the birth father of former flame and current coworker Lana Kane’s adorable daughter. He’s doing his best, but the thing is, Sterling Archer is a horrible, terrible, selfish, awful person. Winner? Bob Belcher.

Although he does have his son dress up in a burger costume, which one could argue -- successfully, I believe -- would be considered child abuse.

Although he does have his son dress up in a burger costume, which one could argue — successfully, I believe — would be considered child abuse.

It’s a tie! Thanks to dark horse Spike Spiegel winning a category out of nowhere, yes. Yes, it is. On to the tiebreaker!

Better backup in a fight? Sure, this category seems like a gimme for Sterling Archer, what with his fancy spy training and his underwear gun and his complete and utter disregard for his own life, but he’s an awful, terrible, horrible, selfish person. Bob Belcher is no Krav Maga-trained superman, and he’s even pooped his pants in a fight, but God bless ‘im, that man would have your back. Winner? Nah, sorry, Bob, but this goes to Archer. You pooped your pants in a fight! How could anyone count on you?

Overall winner? Sterling Archer, by a sexy black turtleneck.

And he knows it, too.

And he knows it, too.

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Princess Bubblegum vs. Strawberry Shortcake

November 20, 2014 at 1:07 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

Because they both have pink hair, and because I haven’t done a fictional character battle in ages, that’s why.

Anyway, Princess Bubblegum is a character in Adventure Time, one of the best cartoons ever, and Strawberry Shortcake, I think, was in a cartoon in the ’80s, and then again later, but mostly existed to sell scented dolls to little girls.

Princess Bubblegum is ... not like Disney princesses.

Princess Bubblegum is … not like Disney princesses.

Looks like Strawberry Shortcake's had some work done.

Looks like Strawberry Shortcake’s had some work done.

Which one is better?

Need I even ask?

On to the battle!

Physicality. Princess Bubblegum is a tall willowy sort who is made out of bubblegum. Strawberry Shortcake is short, kind of stout, and possibly made out of strawberry shortcake, or else why would she smell like that? Winner? Princess Bubblegum.

Also, her cosplayers are just like awwww.

Also, her cosplayers are just like awwww.

Rules a land of living confectioneries? Princess Bubblegum is the ruler of the Candy Kingdom, a kingdom she created by making people out of candy and somehow giving them life. She’s basically a god. Strawberry Shortcake lives in a world populated by living cupcakes and stuff, I think. I don’t know. I only pinked her because they both have pink hair. Anyway, the winner by a technicality is Princess Bubblegum, because she is absolutely a princess.

I can only assume everyone living in the Candy Kingdom has diabetes.

I can only assume everyone living in the Candy Kingdom has diabetes.

Might have dated a lovely lady vampire? Princess Bubblegum might have dated Marceline the Vampire Queen. In fact, she probably did. And if she didn’t, maybe she should, because they would make a totally cute couple. Strawberry Shortcake has never met a lovely lady vampire, let alone dated one. Winner? Princess Bubblegum.

See? Freaking adorable!

See? Fecking adorable!

Smells like strawberry shortcake? I feel kind of bad for Strawberry Shortcake as she endures this rout. Here’s a gimme category for her.

Technically, she smells like the plastic version of strawberry shortcake, but close enough.

Technically, she smells like the plastic version of strawberry shortcake, but close enough.

Sells more merchandise? And another, because there are seriously not enough Adventure Time toys, I want all of them!! Winner? Strawberry Shortcake.

Pictured here: My bedroom, soon.

Pictured here: My bedroom, soon.

Has issues with power? Princess Bubblegum is a benevolent dictator. Sometimes she does bad things, but it’s for the good of her people. Like when she created an immortal sphinx that went mad or when she brought about a zombie apocalypse (twice) or when she had the robots that used to guard the candy kingdom destroyed or maybe I should just stop now, because she’s not coming across all that well. Strawberry Shortcake is not a power-mad despot, and god bless her for it. Winner? Princess Bubblegum.

She's mad with power! And also mad with being turned into a zombie.

She’s mad with power! And also mad with being turned into a zombie.

Overall winner, because it’s time for lunch? Princess Bubblegum.

What? I'm hungry!

What? I’m hungry!

 

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Gunter vs. The Penguin

September 9, 2014 at 2:24 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

One is a magical penguin from Adventure Time.

... who plays the keyboards!

… who plays the keyboard!

The other is a guy who looks like a Penguin from the pages of your favorite Batman comics.

Your favorite Batman comics. My favorites are Grant Morrison titles.

Your favorite Batman comics. My favorites are Grant Morrison titles.

Which one’s better? Eh, it’s obviously the magical penguin, because penguins are soooo cute, and magic is really great!

Photographic evidence: Penguins are soooo cute.

Photographic evidence: Penguins are soooo cute.

But let’s try for a semblance of fairness here.

On to the battle!

Physicality. Gunter is a penguin. As previously mentioned, penguins are soooo cute. Cartoon penguins are also extremely cute. Gunter is a magical cartoon penguin, and he is soooo cute! The Penguin, on the other hand, isn’t a penguin at all, but a man who wears tuxedos and/or resembles a penguin. That’s not so cute. Winner? Gunter, the adorable magical cartoon penguin. So cute!

So many Gunters!

So many Gunters!

Eviler? The Penguin is a Batman villain and, as such, is evil. And who can blame him, really, after being born a grotesque freak who resembles a mad penguin — wouldn’t anyone turn their rage on a cruel and unloving God and a cruel and unloving world? Then again, Gunter the adorable magical penguin once met a soul-sucking demon who declared Gunter to be the most evil being he had ever come across. Look, folks, if a soul-sucking demon tells you you’re evil, you are so evil. Winner? Gunter.

Also, he steals jewels.

Also, he steals jewels.

A more dapper dresser? The penguin wears tuxedos. That’s pretty dapper. Gunter usually goes around naked, as penguins do, but once he wore a skirt made of socks. It was really cute. Gunter is really cute.

So cute!

So cute!

Winner? The Penguin.

Dapper!

Dapper!

Has a better arch-nemesis? As a resident of the magical land of Ooo, when Gunter acts up, he gets schooled by Finn the Human and Jake the Dog. I wouldn’t really call them his arch-nemeses, though. The Penguin, like all other Batman villains, has a pretty badass nemesis in Batman. Winner? The Penguin.

Is magical? Gunter the adorable magical penguin is magical! Glory be! Winner? Gunter.

Well, sometimes he's magical.

Well, sometimes he’s magical.

Lives in a post-apocalyptic world? The magical land of Ooo was built upon the crumbling remains of an empire that spanned a continent, and was possibly America. You don’t get much more post-apocalyptic than that. Gunter lives in Ooo, and also the best children’s cartoon ever, you should totally watch it. The Penguin lives in Gotham City, which is maybe New York, maybe not, but definitely pre- to mid-apocalypse rather than post-. Winner? Gunter, the magical penguin, who is totally one of my favorites.

The fun part is counting the weapons of mass destruction in the opening credits sequence.

The fun part is counting the weapons of mass destruction in the opening credits sequence.

Has a cooler attack? Gunter likes pushing glass bottles onto the ground so they break, and also sometimes pecking at you with his hideous penguin beak.

Bad penguin! Bad!

Bad penguin! Bad!

The Penguin likes strapping bombs to penguins, or maybe stabbing you with his umbrella. Winner? The Penguin, I guess, even though murdering penguins is terrible, at least his attack is more terrifying than, you know, breaking glass bottles.

Overall winner? As predicted, Gunter, the adorable magical evil penguin wins it all! Hooray! Hooray for Gunter!

Also, Gunter is probably a lady penguin, because he laid an egg.

Also, Gunter is probably a lady penguin, because he laid an egg.

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Elsa from Frozen vs. The Ice King

March 13, 2014 at 10:29 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , , )

Elsa is an orphan queen who has snow powers somehow. I’d call her the Snow Queen, but Frozen really isn’t anything at all like the Hans Christian Anderson story it’s supposedly based on, so doing so would be silly. She stars in a really popular Disney movie that has women actively doing something for once instead of just sitting around waiting for men to save them, so I kind of forgive them for completely changing the fairy tale.

At least it doesn't have the heavy-handed Christian symbolism that the original had, I guess.

At least it doesn’t have the heavy-handed Christian symbolism that the original had, I guess.

The Ice King is a wizard with powers over snow. He is a character in one of the best cartoons ever, Adventure Time, which I don’t know why you’re not all watching it right now, all the time, because it’s just wonderful, and you totally should.

I mean, it's got snowmen hordes and everything!

I mean, it’s got snowmen hordes and everything!

So: Elsa. The Ice King. In a battle, which is more a list of things and then I say which one is better at that thing. Whatever. Let’s rock!

Physicality. You know who’s pretty? Frozen’s Elsa is pretty. She’s got big sparkly eyes and long silver hair and the whole Disney animation thing going for her. The Ice King is … not so pretty. Not so pretty at all. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Pretty and contemplative.

Pretty and contemplative.

Has a big scruffy beard? Like the gentlemen from ZZ Top, the Ice King has a big scruffy beard. Elsa is a pretty lady, so she doesn’t. Winner? The Ice King.

You don't know how long I've been waiting to use an image of ZZ Top on this blog.

You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to use an image of ZZ Top on this blog.

Has a catchy theme song that just everybody is singing nowadays? A song you can’t escape right now is Let it Go, which I thought was pretty the first time, when Idina Menzel was singing it, because oh my god her voice, but have gotten more and more sick of every time I’ve heard it since. The Ice King sings sometimes, but he doesn’t have a very good voice and, also, does anybody even remember that song he sang with Marceline the Vampire Queen? Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Man, I get teary just thinking about this episode.

Man, I get teary just thinking about this episode.

Is a tragic character? Elsa from Frozen is apparently a walking metaphor for coming out of the closet. She’s different from everyone else, and she must keep her differentness hidden, or else the world would fear and hate her. Also, her parents die in a shipwreck, because Disney hates parents unless they’re buying Disney merchandise for their children. Eventually, Elsa’s differentness is revealed, and she is reviled (I chose that for the slant rhyme. You’re welcome.), and she runs off to become fabulous. But then her sister tracks her down and brings her home and everything’s all right with the power of love. The Ice King is really Simon Petrikov, who was cursed with snow powers by a … erm, is there a synonym for cursed that would make sense in this context? … cursed crown, his own true self lost under layers of sheer and utter crazy. Also, he survived the apocalypse. That’s tragic. Winner? The Ice King, because love hasn’t conquered all for him…. Yet.

Get on it, love. I just want poor Simon to be happy.

Get on it, love. I just want poor Simon to be happy.

Has a better sidekick? Elsa from Frozen has a stupid talking snowman. I hate that guy. The Ice King, on the other hand, has various penguins named variations of Gunter. They are so cute, and also evil. Cute little evil penguins. Winner? The Ice King.

Awwww!

Awwww!

Has cooler ice powers? Elsa’s ice powers form a cool castle. The Ice King’s ice powers also form a cool castle. Elsa’s ice powers bring winter to her kingdom. The Ice King’s ice powers can also do that. Elsa’s ice powers transform her boring dress into a gorgeous, slinky gown. The Ice King’s powers … don’t so much. Winner? Elsa from Frozen, by one slinky dress.

I told you she got fabulous.

I told you she got fabulous.

Has better friends? Elsa’s best friend is her sister Anna, who is secretly Veronica Mars. That’s really awesome. The Ice King’s best friends are Finn and Jake, which would be super awesome, because Finn is an adventuring human (the last of his kind) and Jake is a magical talking dog, but they don’t really like the Ice King very much because he’s just so crazy. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

I wish Veronica Mars was my friend, but only if she doesn't have to solve my gruesome murder.

I wish Veronica Mars was my friend, but only if she doesn’t have to solve my gruesome murder.

Can fly? Elsa can’t fly. The Ice King can, though, using his big scruffy beard as, like, wings. Somehow. Winner? The Ice King.

Science says this shouldn't work.

Science says this shouldn’t work.

Now that it’s a tie, let’s move on to the tie-breaking question, which is this:

Protects and shelters a small child in a post-apocalyptic world? Now that’s just cheating.

You know perfectly well that the Ice King sheltered young Marceline after the apocalypse and before she became a vampire, and that Elsa did nothing of the sort.

You know perfectly well that the Ice King sheltered young Marceline after the apocalypse and before she became a vampire, and that Elsa did nothing of the sort.

I know, but I’m just so sick of Let it Go. Very well, then. Winner? The Ice King.

Overall winner? The Ice King, unless he starts singing Let it Go, in which case, I will be so mad, you just don’t even know.

I ... should have seen this coming.

I … should have seen this coming.

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