Sherlock Series 4 started yesterday! But I didn’t see it, because PBS has decided to stop working on my television, and I didn’t get around to streaming the new episode in a totally legal manner, so I decided to review last year’s Christmas special instead.
I probably should have reviewed last year’s Christmas special last year, but why don’t you get a blog and I’ll tell you how to run it.
Anyway, the Sherlock Christmas Special is called “The Abominable Bride” or somesuch, because I can’t be arsed to look it up. It’s set in Victorian England, because Holmes has gotten his hands on a time machine. Alternately, he did a lot of drugs and is in his mind palace, which is a conceit that is really beginning to wear on me.
So in Victorian England, Holmes and Watson are trying to solve the case of the suicidal bride who kills her husband after she’s already dead. Along the way, we meet the Victorian England versions of our favorite Sherlock characters. Lestrade has some incredible mutton chops. Molly Hooper, the cute morgue girl, is disguised as a dude, and Holmes totally can’t tell that she’s not a dude, because he is the worst Best Detective Ever ever.
Mrs. Hudson is Mrs. Hudson is a retro dress, and John’s Annoying Wife is still there.
The dead bride keeps killing dudes, which is spooooooky, except it turns out it’s a conspiracy of ladies, and then that whole plot line of STOP IGNORING WOMEN DAMMIT gets totally dropped.
Then Moriarty shows up and is annoying, and then he and Holmes fight on a waterfall, because why not beat The Final Problem like a dead horse, and then Holmes jumps off the waterfall and it’s totally the end of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and then we’re back in London and sexism is solved, forever.
It’s been a bad week, obviously, but last night a friend and I went to the movies to forget our troubles and also, in my case, to ogle Benedict Cumberbatch.
That’s right, we saw Doctor Strange! It was great!
Oh, you wonder how the movie itself was? Well, way too much backstory, for one thing. Some hokey CGI work for another. Really obvious dialogue and story/character beats (there’s one character that Dr. Strange asks, “Do you ever laugh?” and you know he’s going to laugh at the end of the movie, and then he does, and it’s like, “Yeah, duh.”)
The middle part drags and the end drags and also the beginning drags, and there’s this romantic subplot that maybe people who don’t want to marry Benedict Cumberbatch when they grow up might be interested in, but I don’t think so.
In this corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
In the other corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
OH GOD WHO WILL WIN????
Onward to the battle!
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be handsome, but lately he’s been played by these attractive actors, like Basil Rathbone (lately?) and Benedict Cumberbatch. Han Solo, on the other hand, looks like Harrison Ford. Winner? Han Solo. Because he looks like Harrison Ford.
Better sidekick? Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick is the ever-faithful, ever-ignoring-his-clients Dr. John Watson. Han Solo’s sidekick is Chewbacca the Wookiee, whom Spellchecker hates. Chewie is an 8-foot-tall hair monster who rips off people’s arms when he loses at space chess. He says “Ahrrr” a lot. Winner? Han Solo, because Chewbacca is awesome.
Is an interstellar space pilot? Sherlock Holmes lives in the 19th and early 20th century, where space travel was nothing more than a mad pipe dream. Also, he didn’t even know the earth was round, so he’d probably be just terrible at space piloting anyway. Han Solo, however, is an interstellar space pilot. Winner? Han Solo.
Comes back from certain death? Sherlock Holmes was dead for 10 years after being tossed over the edge of the Reichenbach Falls (spoiler alert: he never fell). He came back. Han Solo? … Not so much. Winner? Sherlock Holmes, because suck it, death.
Doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? You know who has a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, that’s who. Also, her baby daddy, Han Solo. You know who doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Sherlock Holmes. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Solves more crimes? Han Solo is a smuggler. A smuggler in space! He is definitely not solving any crimes. Committing them, sure. Solving them, not so much. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective, the likes of which the world has never seen. He solves crimes like *insert cliche here*. He is a crime-solving machine. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a cooler love interest? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t like ladies, or love, or anything except John Watson and cocaine and solving crimes. Han Solo fell for the ultra-badass Princess Leia, who is now a badass general. She is the coolest. Winner? Han Solo.
Has a light saber? Haaah, this is a trick question. Luke Skywalker has a light saber. Han Solo just has a laser gun. Winner? Nobody.
Wears a more iconic costume? True story: When I was in college, I dated a guy who idolized Han Solo , and wore cowboy boots and vests for years of his childhood in an effort to match his hero’s unique style of dress. That’s pretty iconic! Also, a really lame anecdote. But Sherlock Holmes has the deerstalker cap and cape! Winner? It’s a tie.
Is winning this fictional character battle? Han Solo, barely.
Is that a surprise? Well, Sherlock Holmes always wins these things. But Han Solo is Han Solo, you know?
So he’s going to come out ahead? … Maybe?
Overall winner? I know this is going to be hard to believe, fellow Holmesians, but … Han Solo. Han Solo is the overall winner. I … think I might cry.
I know you all already knew that Benedict Cumberbatch will be playing Dr. Strange in the movies. And I know you’ve probably already seen the pictures from Entertainment Weekly.
And you know I don’t care, because I have an excuse to have a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch here, so ha!
Anyway, I was going to link to that time I interviewed him, but my former employer’s web site must’ve eaten the article, so whatever. Please enjoy this picture of J.K. Simmons, because he’s wonderful.
Leggings with pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch all over them.
I love biographies. I just finished a Bonnie and Clyde biography, and I’m currently reading a Gloria Swanson biography, and when I’m done with that, I’m reading up on Fattie Arbuckle.
I don’t, however, enjoy biopics.
It’s through no fault of their own, I’m sure. There’s probably plenty of people who would rather watch a fictionalized account of someone’s life than read a well-researched book. And I’m hardly blaming them for that at all.
My point is: The Imitation Game is a bit of a biopic, and it looks kind of boring, and I still don’t like Keira Knightley, and getting to look at Benedict Cumberbatch just isn’t enough to make me want to watch this.
Anyway, the movie looks like weird genius gets enlisted to save the world (or at least England), alienates a bunch of people, but then it turns out they love him anyway because he’s so wonderful, and then he does save the world (or at least England), and then he and Keira Knightley probably kiss, or maybe he does come out and say that he prefers boys, I don’t know, but it’s a happy ending for all, until Turing commits suicide at age 41.
So I guess I’d kind of forgotten the second Hobbit movie already came out, and that the new one was the third one, because … well, why are there three Hobbit movies anyway? I mean, I love Martin Freeman almost as much as anybody, and I definitely love Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice (and face, and fashion sense) more than is healthy, but I wouldn’t have minded them only being in one Hobbit flick. That would be A-OK with me.
Anyway, I’d blocked the previous Hobbit movie completely out of my memory because of trauma or boredom or something, so I thought this one was the second one and not the third one, but it turns out it’s the third one and not the second one. That’s really all I have to say about that, except I read this strange review where the writer claimed people were complaining about Peter Jackson cutting storylines and characters, and I was like, “Wait, aren’t people complaining because he’s adding storylines and characters, thus making what should only rightfully be one movie into three movies?”
Right. So, there’s a third Hobbit movie. I didn’t see the first two, either. I guess I should get out more. Do you guys have any good recommendations? And don’t say A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night, because my stupid town isn’t going to get it, because my stupid town hates black and white films written in Farsi about vampires.
So I dreamed I was on this romantic date with John Constantine from Hellblazer.
When I woke up, I was all like, “Huh — what? Like I’ve got some sort of thing for unpleasant British men in trenchcoats?”
Anyway, even after the demons attacked us, it was still the best date I’ve been on in quite a while.
Yeah, so, Benedict Cumberbatch is totally engaged and all and, to celebrate, here’s a photo of an attractive celebrity.
Because I’m nothing if not fickle, that’s why.