So I have some confusion about the new film Red. Like, is it supposed to be based on the comic book or not?
Because I thought that it was because it’s called Red, like the comic book.
But then I thought, maybe that’s wrong because, apparently, RED stands for Retired, Extremely Dangerous?, but in the book, Red was just a code name.
And then I thought, well, maybe it is based on the comic book, because it’s about a retired hitman.
But then I thought, maybe not, because who are all these other retired hitmen? And hitwoman? Because there was only one assassin in the comic book (and his code name was Red.)
Of course, the DC Comics logo is there, so that might indicate that it’s based on the comic book.
Except that it’s called an “action comedy,” and I don’t see what’s so funny about a new FBI director deciding to have a retired hitman killed and then that hitman kills, well, pretty much every other character in the comic book instead. I mean, if that’s the sort of thing that makes you laugh, then I really hope you don’t know where I live.
So maybe it is based on the comic book? Like really, really loosely based on the comic book? Like if they decided not to pay Warren Ellis any royalty money and called the thing Maroon, he wouldn’t really be able to sue them?
I don’t know. But Helen Mirren has a machine gun, so that’s pretty cool.
Gods, why didn’t I think of this before now? I mean, it’s so obvious! The Invisible Man. The Invisible Woman. It’s like it was looking me right in the face and I couldn’t even see it.
Here’s some background: The Invisible Man is a novel by Ralph Ellison that I never read. Also, and more to the point of this blog, The Invisible Man is the titular character in an H.G. Wells science fiction novella. He’s also known as Griffin. Because when you’re invisible you don’t need more than one name, that’s why. The Invisible Woman is Sue Storm, and was created by Stan Lee, just like the universe was.
Now you know, and quoting G.I. Joe is half the battle.
The other half is this fictional character battle!
Physicality. Well, this is hard. They’re both invisible. I mean, Jesus, how am I supposed to judge their looks? Oooooh, I think you’re slightly more invisible? But seriously, folks, once the Invisible Man went invisible, he never went back. Sue Storm, on the other hand, can fade in and out of visibility all the time, and when she fades into it (is that like fading into you?), she’s a hot blonde, because she lives in a comic book, where boobs are eternally perky. Winner? The Invisible Woman.
Better origin? Someday, I want my own origin story that’s much more interesting than “Mommy and Daddy got in the back seat of the car together and, after a few moments of magic, etc., etc.” Until then, please enjoy the origin of Sue Storm, which involves space travel and gamma rays or cosmic storms or something! That’s right, before she was a superhero, she was an astronaut, which is like being a superhero who has to wear diapers. The Invisible Man carries out some sort of scientic procedure to make himself invisible, which is definitely more awesome than anything I did today, but slightly less awesome than space travel and cosmic storms. Winner? The Invisible Woman.
Smacked more bitches up? That is totally a thing I’m going to be saying constantly now. In any case, The Invisible Woman fights for truth, justice and the American way, or whatever the hell it is that superheroes do nowadays, I don’t know. I’m sure she’s smacked up all sorts of bitchy villains. The Invisible Man actually got smacked to death by a bunch of irate villagers he had been tormenting, so my secret plot to have him win a category has not come to fruition. Winner? The Invisible Woman.
Has some sociopathic tendencies? Now, I don’t know much about the Invisible Woman, other than that I just love what Warren Ellis did with her in Planetary, but if she’s on the side of the good guys, she’s probably not a sociopath. (Or if she is, she’s a remarkably patient one.) The Invisible Man is often described as having been driven mad by his invisibility, committing naked crimes willy-nilly (he had to be naked; he didn’t invisibilize his clothes. Yes, that’s a word I just made up. Welcome to the dictionary (eventually), invisibilize!). That theory falls apart when you realize he got the money for his invisibility experiment by stealing it from his father, which led the man to suicide, which means The Invisible Man was a bit of a dick from the get-go. Also a sociopath. Winner? The Invisible Man.
Was in an Alan Moore comic book? I don’t think Alan Moore ever wrote any issues of Fantastic Four, but I’m sure someone who is geekier than I will correct me if I’m wrong. At any rate, Griffin the Invisible Man wins just for being in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when he was never a comic book character to begin with. Winner? The Invisible Man.
Has actual superpowers? The Invisible Man just runs about (nakedly) invisible all the day long. His feet hurt. He’s cold. He’s hungry. If he eats anything, people can totally see it being digested, which is an awesome visual, but not actually. The Invisible Woman can throw invisible force fields or something, I don’t know, but she’ll hurt you. She’ll hurt you good. Winner? The Invisible Woman.
Used to be known by a lamer moniker? I love the word moniker, much like mannikin for little person. Something about the Ms and the Ks, I guess. The Invisible Woman used to be known as The Invisible Girl, and that’s not when she was, like, 7, or something. That’s pretty lame. Winner? The Invisible Girl/Woman.
Wanted to become an invisible tyrant, ruling with an invisible, yet tyrannical, fist? The Invisible Man wanted to create something known as Reign of Terror (First Year of the Invisible Man). I don’t know what Sue Storm’s up to nowadays. Reign of terror? Perhaps. But probably not. Winner? The Invisible Man.
Overall winner? Despite my fondness for sociopaths, The Invisible Woman takes this one. That makes me sad.
Now, I’m not sure I’d actually take the effort to get out and see Kick-Ass this weekend, but I’m pretty sure a lot of folks in my hometown would. However, all they’re getting is Death at a Funeral, which, while it doesn’t look like it will completely suck (because Cyclops is nekkid), is not a movie about people who dress up like superheroes and … well … kick ass.
Why are we only getting Death at a Funeral and not Kick-Ass?
I called Carmike Theaters to find out.
“It could be a limited release,” the girl said.
“It’s not a limited release,” I answered. “It’s opening in 3,000 theaters and Death at a Funeral is only opening in 2,400.”
“Well, they might not be opening it in this city.”
“And why would that be?”
“Yeah, could I please talk to someone who might know the answer to my question?”
So she got a manager. Who told me that Lionsgate and Carmike are having some sort of, I don’t know, thing, and we won’t get it until they come to an agreement about the whatever.
So I immediately googled “Lionsgate” and “Carmike” and all I found was one sentence on a fellow nerd’s blog about them needing to come to an agreement of some sort. Didn’t even have a link to a news article. I found something about “profit sharing,” but then I might have passed out a little. You know, from the big words and stuff. Also, from the way I couldn’t find anything that mentioned both Lionsgate and Carmike.
Anyway, the movie I won’t be seeing this weekend is Kick-Ass, which is fine, I guess, since I already read the comic book and it was basically written like a movie already, but I’d kind of like the option, you know?
(Although, and I have to say this as many times as possible, Mark Millar is no Warren Ellis, dammit. Dear Hollywood: Please make a Global Frequency movie. Love, Lokifire)
(Oh, and also, I won’t be watching Death at a Funeral, ’cause Cyclops just can’t get nekkid enough to make me care.)
Today, I launch a new category on this site, wherein I propose to fictional characters. Yes, I know they’re just make-believe. I love them anyway. No, mom, it’s not my love of fictional characters that keeps me from meaningful relationships, it’s my crippling commitment issues.
Moving right along, let’s start off with a fictional character I’ve already proposed marriage to a couple of times on Hollywood Hates Me: Planetary’s Elijah Snow.
Dear Elijah Snow,
Let’s get married.
I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think I would be perfect for you. Sure, you’re a character in a comic book who is over 100 years old and has superpowers and I’m a real person who is not that old and my only superpower is being snarky, but just hear me out.
We would be perfect together.
Your power is to make things cold? I’m always cold!
You’re a two-dimensional figure? Coincidentally enough, I am also very two-dimensional! (It’s kind of a joke. Work with me here, Elijah Snow.)
You’re 110 years old, but you look quite a bit younger? I totally have a thing for older men! (I also have a thing for younger men, but that’s got naught to do with you, Elijah Snow!)
In addition, you’re fighting to save the world from evil and you also keep archives of your doings! Hey! I love to write. I could totally come along with you on your adventures and write things down. Please protect me from the crossfire, Elijah Snow. You wouldn’t want your lovely bride to die tragically. Or, ooooh! Maybe you do. Maybe I could die tragically as you hold me in your arms and cry, “NOOOOOOOOO!” Except I don’t think you would actually do that, unless Warren Ellis gives the rights to Planetary to a lesser writer.
Also, I think me and Jakita Wagner would get along like a house on fire. That’s a thing old people say, right? “Get along like a house on fire”? Should I stop emphasizing your age here? Is that kind of ruining my argument for our future bliss?
Because I think we could be very happy together. Even if you’re one of the evil incarnations from an alternate universe where you’ve killed Superman. ‘Cause you know what, Elijah Snow? I’ve never really liked Superman. So it’s okay! Let’s get married!
I forgot to mention I enjoy baking. And since I would be married to one of the richest men in the world, I wouldn’t have to work (except for when I follow you on your adventures and write stuff down about it, stuff like, OMG, my sexy silver fox husband was soooo awesome when he saved the world today, and Jakita Wagner’s hair was totally cute!) and I would bake all the time.
I assume, since you’re a superhero and drawn on paper to boot, that dieting isn’t an issue.
And we could have a white wedding! Your hair, my gown, snow! It would be perfect.
Please marry me, Elijah Snow. We would be perfect together.