A love letter to Jenny Sparks; or, Yes, I have been reading a lot of Warren Ellis lately

March 4, 2011 at 3:07 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , , , )

Dear Jenny Sparks,

I think you’re great. You’ve got that whole unaging thing going on that I think is awesome. (See: Snow, Elijah for more details.)

I still love you best of all, Elijah Snow!

Not to mention that you’re a snarky blonde Brit, which is so hot! And actually, I guess I did just mention it, so never mind that whole “not to mention” thing.

And, like my boy Elijah, you can really rock a white suit.

I mean, Jenny, you had me at “unaging snarky blonde Brit,” but then you had to go and have superpowers too? Oh, Jenny Sparks, you are my perfect girl!

And, because you control electricity, that would be just one less bill for me to worry about. I love you.

Of course, I realize you’re a century baby, and, in fact, you were the spirit of the 20th Century, and, considering it’s now the 21st century (and has been for a decade, give or take), you’re quite dead. And I know there was this ridiculous Mark Millar storyline with a 21st century baby named Jenny Quantum, like, fecking really, Mark Millar? How awful is that? No wonder Ellis made sure to kill you off before he passed the reins over to that guy, Jesus. But the point I was trying to make before I got distracted by how Warren Ellis is superior in every way to Mark Millar is that there is no Jenny Quantum. Because frak you, Millar.

He's smiling 'cause he knows he's still superior to Dixon.

So you’re dead, Jenny Sparks, in addition to fictional, but I think we can work around it. I’m not quite sure how, but it involves all sorts of ridiculous plot twists, so maybe I should stop insulting Mark Millar and ask him to write the story of our epic love instead.

Actually, I think I'll just google more pictures of you.

I mean, hell, in Planetary, they figured out how to make a time machine and bring a fictional character to life, so I could totally combine both and boom! I have traveled back in time to meet you, Jenny Sparks, the A-#1 female superhero character that I love a whole bunch.

Game over indeed, Jenny Sparks.

And then we could get married.

Like Apollo and The Midnighter did. Apparently. Shit, when did this happen?

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Where you at, Warren?

February 28, 2011 at 1:10 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , , )

I remember the late ’90s. Back when a young Brit named Warren Ellis caught the attention of the world with his wicked take on the future, Transmetropolitan.

It was about a journalist in the future, but we now know better. There's no such thing as journalism.

I never actually liked Transmetropolitan, but I can wholeheartedly assure you that I loved/love a lot of his other works: Planetary (yeah, you already knew that, didn’t you), The Authority, Global Frequency, Red, Nextwave, Fell, etc.

What's this? An excuse to use an image of Elijah Snow? Don't mind if I do!

But, damn, it’s been, like, two years since the last issue of Fell came out. What happened to Warren?

It's also been at least that long since I read an issue, so what the hell is this series about?

Before we find that out, let’s learn about his origins! They’re less interesting than, say, Batman’s, but more interesting than, say, mine. He was born in Essex, England, in 1968, and remembers the moon landing as one of his first clear memories. According to an interview, before he began his career writing comic books, he worked some of the “shittiest jobs you can imagine,” a list that fails to include hotel maid, fast food worker and obituary clerk. (That’s right, folks, every career move I’ve made has been lateral.)

In 1990, a six-page short story written by Ellis appeared in a British independent magazine, Deadline. Well, it didn’t appear there like by magic or anything: he submitted it, it was accepted and published. His first ongoing work, Lazarus Churchyard, was published in Blast!, a short-lived magazine (probably due to putting an exclamation point in its name).

By 1994, Ellis was working for Marvel comics, writing a bunch of stuff I don’t really care about but you can google if you like, and then moved to DC, where he worked on Stormwatch, and gave the world Jenny Sparks. God bless that man.

I've got the bitchy part down. I just need to master the hero part, and I can be Jenny for Halloween.

In addition to the stuff I listed, Ellis also wrote a lot of independent titles (yes, even more independent than Fell) and a novel, Crooked Little Vein, that was published in 2007.

I don't want to spoil it for you, but yeah, it's pretty strange.

And, OK, fine, he updates his web site, like, daily, even when he’s in Germany, so it’s not like he’s disappeared off the face of the planet or anything.

So what’s he been up to lately? Well, it appears he’s been working on a web comic called FreakAngels, and also has been writing The Astonishing X-Men, which I guess I would’ve known if I hadn’t thought Whedon was still writing it, so shame on me for being a crappy fan.

Anyway, it appears the answer to my query is that Mssr. Ellis is where he’s always been, and if I’d stalked him more faithfully, I would’ve known that.

Also, I'd've known he looks that cool dressed as the man in black.

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Red: some things need clearing up here

October 13, 2010 at 10:44 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , , , )

So I have some confusion about the new film Red. Like, is it supposed to be based on the comic book or not?

It was three issues of sheer mayhem. There was also some carnage. Well, quite a bit of carnage, actually.

Because I thought that it was because it’s called Red, like the comic book.

And because Bruce Willis looks EXACTLY like the main character. (Because he's bald. It's because he's bald.)

But then I thought, maybe that’s wrong because, apparently, RED stands for Retired, Extremely Dangerous?, but in the book, Red was just a code name.

And then I thought, well, maybe it is based on the comic book, because it’s about a retired hitman.

Ha, ha, you stupid poster, I think you meant "he has people to kill."

But then I thought, maybe not, because who are all these other retired hitmen? And hitwoman? Because there was only one assassin in the comic book (and his code name was Red.)

Well, yes, I know it's Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Helen Mirren, but what I meant was what are they doing in this movie?

Of course, the DC Comics logo is there, so that might indicate that it’s based on the comic book.

Except that it’s called an “action comedy,” and I don’t see what’s so funny about a new FBI director deciding to have a retired hitman killed and then that hitman kills, well, pretty much every other character in the comic book instead. I mean, if that’s the sort of thing that makes you laugh, then I really hope you don’t know where I live.

So maybe it is based on the comic book? Like really, really loosely based on the comic book? Like if they decided not to pay Warren Ellis any royalty money and called the thing Maroon, he wouldn’t really be able to sue them?


I don’t know. But Helen Mirren has a machine gun, so that’s pretty cool.

She still looks elegant, though.

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The Invisible Man vs. The Invisible Woman

July 13, 2010 at 6:29 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , )


Gods, why didn’t I think of this before now? I mean, it’s so obvious! The Invisible Man. The Invisible Woman. It’s like it was looking me right in the face and I couldn’t even see it.

The Invisible Man in his dress suit. Also, I think he’s walking on water. Well, it’s more like he’s standing. Standing on water.

The Invisible Woman isn’t even invisible in this picture, which actually seems like it would be a great copout for artists, like the drawing of a polar bear in a blizzard.

Here’s some background: The Invisible Man is a novel by Ralph Ellison that I never read. Also, and more to the point of this blog, The Invisible Man is the titular character in an H.G. Wells science fiction novella. He’s also known as Griffin. Because when you’re invisible you don’t need more than one name, that’s why. The Invisible Woman is Sue Storm, and was created by Stan Lee, just like the universe was.

Now you know, and quoting G.I. Joe is half the battle.

The other half is this fictional character battle!

Physicality. Well, this is hard. They’re both invisible. I mean, Jesus, how am I supposed to judge their looks? Oooooh, I think you’re slightly more invisible? But seriously, folks, once the Invisible Man went invisible, he never went back. Sue Storm, on the other hand, can fade in and out of visibility all the time, and when she fades into it (is that like fading into you?), she’s a hot blonde, because she lives in a comic book, where boobs are eternally perky. Winner? The Invisible Woman.

Stupid gravity. I wish I was two-dimensional.

Better origin? Someday, I want my own origin story that’s much more interesting than “Mommy and Daddy got in the back seat of the car together and, after a few moments of magic, etc., etc.” Until then, please enjoy the origin of Sue Storm, which involves space travel and gamma rays or cosmic storms or something! That’s right, before she was a superhero, she was an astronaut, which is like being a superhero who has to wear diapers. The Invisible Man carries out some sort of scientic procedure to make himself invisible, which is definitely more awesome than anything I did today, but slightly less awesome than space travel and cosmic storms. Winner? The Invisible Woman.

Mom and Dad didn’t even bother to park near the local nuclear plant. Thanks a lot, jerks.

Smacked more bitches up? That is totally a thing I’m going to be saying constantly now. In any case, The Invisible Woman fights for truth, justice and the American way, or whatever the hell it is that superheroes do nowadays, I don’t know. I’m sure she’s smacked up all sorts of bitchy villains. The Invisible Man actually got smacked to death by a bunch of irate villagers he had been tormenting, so my secret plot to have him win a category has not come to fruition. Winner? The Invisible Woman.

Like any self-respecting angry mob, the good people of Springfield hate being tormented by invisible men.

Has some sociopathic tendencies? Now, I don’t know much about the Invisible Woman, other than that I just love what Warren Ellis did with her in Planetary, but if she’s on the side of the good guys, she’s probably not a sociopath. (Or if she is, she’s a remarkably patient one.) The Invisible Man is often described as having been driven mad by his invisibility, committing naked crimes willy-nilly (he had to be naked; he didn’t invisibilize his clothes. Yes, that’s a word I just made up. Welcome to the dictionary (eventually), invisibilize!). That theory falls apart when you realize he got the money for his invisibility experiment by stealing it from his father, which led the man to suicide, which means The Invisible Man was a bit of a dick from the get-go. Also a sociopath. Winner? The Invisible Man.

Was in an Alan Moore comic book? I don’t think Alan Moore ever wrote any issues of Fantastic Four, but I’m sure someone who is geekier than I will correct me if I’m wrong. At any rate, Griffin the Invisible Man wins just for being in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when he was never a comic book character to begin with. Winner? The Invisible Man.

I cried a little when you were raped and murdered by Mr. Hyde, Hawley Griffin, you magnificent bastard.

Has actual superpowers? The Invisible Man just runs about (nakedly) invisible all the day long. His feet hurt. He’s cold. He’s hungry. If he eats anything, people can totally see it being digested, which is an awesome visual, but not actually. The Invisible Woman can throw invisible force fields or something, I don’t know, but she’ll hurt you. She’ll hurt you good. Winner? The Invisible Woman.

Including the power to be a blonde Latina! Super!

Used to be known by a lamer moniker? I love the word moniker, much like mannikin for little person. Something about the Ms and the Ks, I guess. The Invisible Woman used to be known as The Invisible Girl, and that’s not when she was, like, 7, or something. That’s pretty lame. Winner? The Invisible Girl/Woman.

Wanted to become an invisible tyrant, ruling with an invisible, yet tyrannical, fist? The Invisible Man wanted to create something known as Reign of Terror (First Year of the Invisible Man). I don’t know what Sue Storm’s up to nowadays. Reign of terror? Perhaps. But probably not. Winner? The Invisible Man.

Overall winner? Despite my fondness for sociopaths, The Invisible Woman takes this one. That makes me sad.

I really thought the guy who wanted to start a reign of terror would win.

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Much like Hollywood, the local movie theater chain hates me

April 14, 2010 at 6:33 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

Now, I’m not sure I’d actually take the effort to get out and see Kick-Ass this weekend, but I’m pretty sure a lot of folks in my hometown would. However, all they’re getting is Death at a Funeral, which, while it doesn’t look like it will completely suck (because Cyclops is nekkid), is not a movie about people who dress up like superheroes and … well … kick ass.

Cyclops will not look like this in Death at a Funeral, but on the bright side, he'll get to play "funny" and not "mopey." So that's good.

Why are we only getting Death at a Funeral and not Kick-Ass?

Because no one wants to see a flick where the hero gets his ass handed to him a lot?

Because who cares if this role is just the right amount of cheesy for Nic Cage?

Because it's scary to know that a 10-year-old could hurt you like you've never been hurt before?

Because Carmike Theaters hates us?

I called Carmike Theaters to find out.

“It could be a limited release,” the girl said.

“It’s not a limited release,” I answered. “It’s opening in 3,000 theaters and Death at a Funeral is only opening in 2,400.”

“Well, they might not be opening it in this city.”

“And why would that be?”


“Yeah, could I please talk to someone who might know the answer to my question?”

So she got a manager. Who told me that Lionsgate and Carmike are having some sort of, I don’t know, thing, and we won’t get it until they come to an agreement about the whatever.

So I immediately googled “Lionsgate” and “Carmike” and all I found was one sentence on a fellow nerd’s blog about them needing to come to an agreement of some sort. Didn’t even have a link to a news article. I found something about “profit sharing,” but then I might have passed out a little. You know, from the big words and stuff. Also, from the way I couldn’t find anything that mentioned both Lionsgate and Carmike.

Anyway, the movie I won’t be seeing this weekend is Kick-Ass, which is fine, I guess, since I already read the comic book and it was basically written like a movie already, but I’d kind of like the option, you know?

(Although, and I have to say this as many times as possible, Mark Millar is no Warren Ellis, dammit. Dear Hollywood: Please make a Global Frequency movie. Love, Lokifire)

But don't screw it up. Because I know you would be tempted to screw it up, and I'm telling you: DON'T.

(Oh, and also, I won’t be watching Death at a Funeral, ’cause Cyclops just can’t get nekkid enough to make me care.)

Wait ... no, no, I could totally be wrong about that.

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A love letter to Elijah Snow

January 28, 2010 at 11:50 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

Today, I launch a new category on this site, wherein I propose to fictional characters. Yes, I know they’re just make-believe. I love them anyway. No, mom, it’s not my love of fictional characters that keeps me from meaningful relationships, it’s my crippling commitment issues.

Moving right along, let’s start off with a fictional character I’ve already proposed marriage to a couple of times on Hollywood Hates Me: Planetary’s Elijah Snow.

An image for reference, so you non-Planetary-reading jerks know who I'm talking about.

Dear Elijah Snow,

Let’s get married.

I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think I would be perfect for you. Sure, you’re a character in a comic book who is over 100 years old and has superpowers and I’m a real person who is not that old and my only superpower is being snarky, but just hear me out.

We would be perfect together.

Your power is to make things cold? I’m always cold!

You’re a two-dimensional figure? Coincidentally enough, I am also very two-dimensional! (It’s kind of a joke. Work with me here, Elijah Snow.)

You’re 110 years old, but you look quite a bit younger? I totally have a thing for older men! (I also have a thing for younger men, but that’s got naught to do with you, Elijah Snow!)

In addition, you’re fighting to save the world from evil and you also keep archives of your doings! Hey! I love to write. I could totally come along with you on your adventures and write things down. Please protect me from the crossfire, Elijah Snow. You wouldn’t want your lovely bride to die tragically. Or, ooooh! Maybe you do. Maybe I could die tragically as you hold me in your arms and cry, “NOOOOOOOOO!” Except I don’t think you would actually do that, unless Warren Ellis gives the rights to Planetary to a lesser writer.

Also, I think me and Jakita Wagner would get along like a house on fire. That’s a thing old people say, right? “Get along like a house on fire”? Should I stop emphasizing your age here? Is that kind of ruining my argument for our future bliss?

I mean, yeah, I might be a little intimidated by her awesome beauty and her superpower to kick everything's ass, up to and possibly including Batman's, but I think my admiration could outweigh all that.

Because I think we could be very happy together. Even if you’re one of the evil incarnations from an alternate universe where you’ve killed Superman. ‘Cause you know what, Elijah Snow? I’ve never really liked Superman. So it’s okay! Let’s get married!

I forgot to mention I enjoy baking. And since I would be married to one of the richest men in the world, I wouldn’t have to work (except for when I follow you on your adventures and write stuff down about it, stuff like, OMG, my sexy silver fox husband was soooo awesome when he saved the world today, and Jakita Wagner’s hair was totally cute!) and I would bake all the time.

I assume, since you’re a superhero and drawn on paper to boot, that dieting isn’t an issue.

Because if stuff like that WAS an issue, Elijah Snow, this cover would certainly have had more bleeding on it.

And we could have a white wedding! Your hair, my gown, snow! It would be perfect.

Please marry me, Elijah Snow. We would be perfect together.

Yes, Elijah Snow, for you, I would even honeymoon in Gotham City.

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