Sherlock Series 4 started yesterday! But I didn’t see it, because PBS has decided to stop working on my television, and I didn’t get around to streaming the new episode in a totally legal manner, so I decided to review last year’s Christmas special instead.
I probably should have reviewed last year’s Christmas special last year, but why don’t you get a blog and I’ll tell you how to run it.
Anyway, the Sherlock Christmas Special is called “The Abominable Bride” or somesuch, because I can’t be arsed to look it up. It’s set in Victorian England, because Holmes has gotten his hands on a time machine. Alternately, he did a lot of drugs and is in his mind palace, which is a conceit that is really beginning to wear on me.
So in Victorian England, Holmes and Watson are trying to solve the case of the suicidal bride who kills her husband after she’s already dead. Along the way, we meet the Victorian England versions of our favorite Sherlock characters. Lestrade has some incredible mutton chops. Molly Hooper, the cute morgue girl, is disguised as a dude, and Holmes totally can’t tell that she’s not a dude, because he is the worst Best Detective Ever ever.
Mrs. Hudson is Mrs. Hudson is a retro dress, and John’s Annoying Wife is still there.
The dead bride keeps killing dudes, which is spooooooky, except it turns out it’s a conspiracy of ladies, and then that whole plot line of STOP IGNORING WOMEN DAMMIT gets totally dropped.
Then Moriarty shows up and is annoying, and then he and Holmes fight on a waterfall, because why not beat The Final Problem like a dead horse, and then Holmes jumps off the waterfall and it’s totally the end of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and then we’re back in London and sexism is solved, forever.
So I dreamed I was on this romantic date with John Constantine from Hellblazer.
When I woke up, I was all like, “Huh — what? Like I’ve got some sort of thing for unpleasant British men in trenchcoats?”
Anyway, even after the demons attacked us, it was still the best date I’ve been on in quite a while.
Good news, everybody! Sherlock is over its second-episode slump, pulling out a Series 3 second episode that — dare I say it — was even better than the first episode!
It had the greatest best man speech ever and a cool murder mystery and Sherlock didn’t hook up with the horny bridesmaid, so everything was OK in the end.
But sadness because there’s only one episode left.
Yea Sherlock Series 3 premiered in Europe yesterday and thanks to the magic of illegal downloads on the Internet, I have watched “The Empty Hearse.” Disappointingly, there were no empty hearses in the episode, outside of a group of conspiracy theorists calling themselves such, but I guess not every television show can have shoutouts to my profession.
(I work at a funeral home, if you forgot, so every time someone dies on TV, they are speaking directly to me.)
Anyhow, to SPOILERS ALERT all over the place, “The Empty Hearse” opens with an explanation of Holmes’s faked death so ridiculous that I screamed “STOP KISSING MOLLY EWWWWW NOOOOOOO!”
Luckily, shortly after I found a paper bag to breathe into, it was revealed that the whole scenario was completely made up and hadn’t happened at all.
Then some Serbians capture some hairy shirtless guy and they’re torturing him, and I was like, “Hmmmm, those slightly-sloped shoulders look familiar. Haven’t I seen them in Sherlock Series 2 Episode 1?” And it was Benedict Cumberbatch, shirtless, and I had to find another paper bag to breathe in because BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, SHIRTLESS.
(I just got so many hits to this post, you don’t even know.)
Then John Watson and his ridiculous mustache show up, and there’s this cute bit where Holmes tries to reveal himself to Watson and it doesn’t work at first, and then it does, and then I was like, “Punch him, Watson, punch him!”, but Watson settled for a nice throttling instead. Ooooh, and then he headbutted him.
And then Holmes teams up with Molly, and I was all like, “NOOOOOO STOP HANGING OUT WITH MOLLY YOU ARE HURTING MY IMAGINATION,” and then it turns out Molly is engaged or something, so it was all okay.
And then some bad guy kidnaps Watson and Holmes commandeers a motorcycle to rescue him, with Watson’s fiancee Mary holding onto his waist, which is totally my Sherlock Holmes fantasy, except I’m driving the motorcycle and he’s holding onto my waist, and we cruise through the streets of London together and fight crime and everyone tells me how pretty my hair looks.
Later, they save Watson and then reveal how Holmes really faked his death! He was in on it with Moriarty! And then they kissed, which I totally called.
Except that’s also a fakeout!
And then there’s a guy that disappears from a subway train in London! And an underground network! And Mycroft Holmes being so cute and uptight, you just want to pinch his little cheeks!
And then the Holmes Srs., whom I thought were an aunt and an uncle, and not the folks! And then a bomb! And then Holmes explains how he really faked his death, which is actually just as implausible as the fakeouts!
Then we meet Molly’s new boyfriend, who is Sherlock’s long-lost fraternal twin brother, and then Holmes puts on a deerstalker cap and then I smoked a cigarette because it was just that good.
Anyway, welcome back, Sherlock! I’m glad it didn’t take you 10 years to return!
Yea finally I can get a Sherlock Holmes figurine that looks like Benedict Cumberbatch.
Except it’s creepy and I don’t like it, so here’s a picture of a cute Sherlock toy that makes me happy.
So I’ve decided that some movies should be re-made so as to accommodate my new fetish: Watching Benedict Cumberbatch hurt people.
Here is a list of those movies, in no particular order:
Because Benedict Cumberbatch already killed Robocop with his bare hands, and they’re planning on remaking it anyway, so why not, you know?
2. Terminator 2
The original Terminator would be OK too, but I really think of Benedict Cumberbatch as a liquid metal type of emotionless android rather than an old-school Schwarzenegger-type.
I don’t know much about Taken, except that Liam Neeson hurts a lot of people in it, so I would be fine with a shot-for-shot remake of Benedict Cumberbatch doing the same.
4. The Bourne movies
I know even less about the Bourne movies than I do about Taken, except that Matt Damon is not as attractive as Benedict Cumberbatch.
Not that I think The Thing needed to be remade, because it didn’t and it doesn’t, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Benedict Cumberbatch kill aliens with a flamethrower.
6. Sherlock Holmes
Both the first one and the other one, not that I think they’re good movies, but Benedict Cumberbatch makes a wonderful Sherlock Holmes and I wuv him.
Because, unlike Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t look permanently teenaged, so I could totally buy him as a masked avenger.
Hah, no, I’m kidding. Versus is practically perfect in every way.
9. The Matrix
10. Star Trek: Into Darkness
OK, I know this movie was just released, and also that Benedict Cumberbatch is actually in it, but now is the time for the producers to remedy their grievous error and re-insert the shower scene.
Dear The Future,
I love you!
You don’t realize how awful it is, living here in the 1990s, and liking things like Japanese cartoons and indie rock bands and Sherlock Holmes and nobody in Britain is making a brilliant series starring my perfect man about him! I mean, every store I go to has (at most) three anime titles and they’re on a shelf marked “Japanamation” because someone once thought that would be a clever portmanteau, little realizing how absolutely wrong they were.
And don’t get me started, The Future, on how hard it is to find decent music in the 1990s. It’s like if I don’t like (insert popular song from the 1990s), then I have to go to the local record store, special order The Wrens newest album and then wait 15 years for them to record another!
It’s hard living in the 1990s, The Future! And that’s why I love you.
Because you’re coming in to save me, with your iTunes and your Amazon and your eBay and your YouTube. Everything I could possibly want or care about is right at my fingertips! Also, that thing I said earlier about Sherlock Holmes!
You have everything, The Future, except for hoverboards and flying cars, and I want you to know that’s OK. It’s not true love without a bit of disappointment here and there. And it’s not like I want you to change, but if you want to change (and get me some hoverboards and flying cars), then that would be OK too.
Thanks for everything, The Future. I mean it.
So, it looks like Season 3 of the BBC’s Sherlock probably won’t start airing until 2014 because Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are all of a sudden the boys everyone wants starring in their movies. Which is understandable, because they’re both awesome and I love them, but WHYYYYYYY with the waiting for Sherlock???
I AM TOO STUPID TO FIGURE OUT HOW HOLMES FAKED HIS DEATH I NEED ANSWERS NOW GAAHHHHHH.
Because do I really have to explain?
On to the battle!
(Seriously, I don’t think I really have to explain.)
Physicality. If you put Benedict Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg in a room together and told me I could only have one of them, I would curl up on the floor in the fetal position and weep, unable to choose. In the end, though, I’d remember how much I love really tall men, and take the modern-day Sherlock home with me. (I’d put him on my collectibles shelf, of course.) Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch, by virtue of being taller than Simon Pegg. Er, I mean, Sherlock Holmes.
Loves his work more than anything else, except for one special person? Sherlock Holmes lives for the thrill of solving crimes, the more interesting the better. He doesn’t much care for the human race (like, who does, right, bunch of 50 Shades of Grey-loving bastards that they are anyway), except for his bestest buddy of all: Dr. John “Hobbit” Watson. Sgt. Nicholas Angel doesn’t exactly live for the thrill of solving crime, but he sure enjoys everything being all neat and orderly and, you know, solved. He got dumped by his fiancee because he loved his job more than her, and was destined to a life of lonely police work until he met that one special person, Danny Butterman. Winner? It’s a tie.
Is more badass? Until Sherlock Holmes bends a fire poker with his bare hands on Sherlock, I wait with bated breath for an action sequence better than the ones in the second episode of Season 1. On the other hand, Sgt. Nicholas Angel can do flips over fences and all sorts of wonderful stuff and I love him soooooo much! Winner? It’s a tie
Now please enjoy one of my favorite movie scenes ever:
Knows how to drive? I have seen no evidence that Sherlock Holmes knows how to drive, what with most incarnations of him living before there were such things as “cars,” and his most current incarnation taking cabs everywhere (I mean, if they even call them cabs in London, right? Ha, ha, ha, those funny Brits). Sgt. Nicholas Angel, though, can drive, and often does so. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.
Flips his coat lapel up frequently? You know who does such a thing frequently? Sherlock Holmes frequently does such a thing. I’m not sure Sgt. Nicholas Angel’s coat even has lapels. This doesn’t seem fair at all. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Defeats an evil cabal of town elders? Unfortunately for Sherlock Holmes, London is much too large to be under the control of an evil cabal of town leaders, which is a shame, because I think he’d have fun with that. Sgt. Nicholas Angel, however, SPOILER ALERT I guess, totally does defeat an evil cabal of town elders. And then the jail explodes. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.
Is a bit, shall we say, nit-picky? Sherlock Holmes once traveled all the way to, I don’t know, Belarus or someplace, to correct a criminal on the proper tense of death by hanging. However, Sgt. Nicholas Angel carries two pens with him at all times, God I love him, and insists on calling cops police officers and does all sorts of stuff by the book, because he is the best and I love him. Winner? It’s a tie.
Faked his own death? Sherlock Holmes faked the hell out of his own death, what with pretending he’d died in a plummet from Reichenbach Falls and all, fooling the world, his own best friend, and all of Arthur Conan Doyle’s readers. Mostly this is because Sir Doyle really did kill off Holmes, and retconned him back into existence, but faked his own death it is! Sgt. Nicholas Angel didn’t actually fake his own death, but he pretended to be dead when Danny stabbed him, so that kind of counts, right? Winner? It’s a tie!
The ultimate, tie-breaking question: Who has a cuter sidekick/BFF? Awww, jeez, this is rough. I mean, Dr. John Watson is so Martin Freeman-y, what with the cute blonde hair and that face — but Danny Butterman is the adorable Nick Frost, who is just so cute and I love him and I can’t decide!!! Winner? It’s a tie-ish?
Um, overall winner? Hah, I’m just kidding. The winner is Sherlock Holmes, because he always wins these things.
So, I’m sure you’ve all been waiting and wondering: “When is Lokifire going to complain about the upcoming CBS series, Elementary, which takes Sherlock Holmes and puts him in modern times?”
Yes, I know, it sounds really familiar, doesn’t it?
Like, someone at CBS saw that the BBC’S Sherlock was big and successful and wonderful and thought, “Hey! I can ruin that!”
And, you know? I can’t fault them for that. I mean, Sherlock Holmes and Watson and all their acquaintances (I was going to say friends, but Holmes only has one friend and Watson … well … also seems to have only one friend) are trapped in public domain hell, so it’s not like Sir Arthur Conan Doyle can come back from the dead as some sort of malevolent zombie (is there any other kind?) and say: “Get your hands off my property! Also, braaaaains.”
So, anybody and everybody is free to do whatever they want with Sherlock Holmes. (See: Ritchie, Guy.) And if they want to set the action in the modern day, well, fine. It’s not like the BBC has a copyright on the present or anything.
And they’ve cast Sickboy as Sherlock Holmes! I totally forgot Sickboy existed after Trainspotting. (Coincidentally enough, my obsession with Irvine Welsh ended shortly thereafter as well. [I could only take so much Scottish dialect, people.]) Apparently, he was on Dexter or something, but I can’t bring myself to watch a show about a serial killer and his friends who swear a lot, so I didn’t know that. (And you don’t need to tell me how awesome and wonderful Dexter is, and how I would love it. People have told me already, and I believe them, but it’s just not for me. Thanks for the recommendation, though!) So, yeah, it’s nice that Sickboy is getting (more) work, even if I don’t really care that he is.
And what’s this? Watson’s a lady? How terribly clever, CBS. And modern! Because ladies can be sidekicks nowadays! Huzzah! Sadly, though, as awesome as Lucy Liu is (and she is awesome), you’ve just opened yourself up to a whole world of no gay couple jokes. People are just going to think they’re a regular couple, and that isn’t clever at all.
In fact, CBS, that sounds exactly like every other procedural drama you’ve got going on.
Which is why I hate you.
Because, yes, a brilliant detective solving crimes from week to week does sound like the perfect recipe for a procedural drama, and I’m sure it will be exactly that — a perfect procedural drama — which is why it’s going to suck. Because Holmes is much more than that.
He’s a damned icon. He’s the epitome of all detectives, anywhere, ever, and he deserves better than a weekly procedural on CBS.
Also, I just want you to know I’m not going to complain about the title, because, although Holmes never once did say “Elementary, my dear Watson,” in any Sherlock Holmes story, he did proclaim things were “elementary,” and besides, what else were they going to call it?