So I’ve been looking for the perfect notification alert. The one that encapsulates, you know, me. My essence.
I started with Gunter’s “wenk wenk” from Adventure Time.
I tried the opening from Cowboy Bebop’s Tank!. (No, the exclamation point is really in the song title.)
I gave the Knights Who say “Ni” saying “Ni!” a go.
Anyway, now I’ve got the sound of Pacman dying.
Real princesses are boring, unless you’re into the monarchy, I guess. But fictional princesses are awesome! Especially Adventure Time princesses, because they have princesses for everything! Anyway, you might be dating a fictional princess! Let’s find out, shall we?
Here’s a list of princesses you could possibly be dating:
1. Princess Leia. Princess Leia is the best princess of all, because she is an outer space princess. Unfortunately for you, unless you’re Han Solo, you’re not dating her.
2. Princess Bubblegum. Princess Bubblegum is pretty cool, if you’re into despots and whatever. Also 1000-year-old ladies.
3. Lumpy Space Princess. The best thing about Lumpy Space Princess is that she floats, and is purple. The worst thing about Lumpy Space Princess is everything else, but especially her terrible, terrible personality.
4. Snow White. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a glass coffin, Snow White’s your girl.
5. Sleeping Beauty. If you woke your princess with a kiss after espying her sleeping in a castle surrounded by thorns (which I’m not quite sure how you managed to do), then you’re dating Sleeping Beauty.
6. Muscle Princess. Muscle Princess is very muscular. That’s cool.
7. Cinderella. Cinderella seems like a nice girl. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.
8. Breakfast Princess. Breakfast Princess (I assume) lives in the Breakfast Kingdom, where you shall never have to eat another bowl of cold, soggy cereal again. As God is my witness!
9. Slime Princess. Slime Princess is a princess of slime. There’s really not much else to say about her.
10. Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman is an Amazon Princess! She might actually be cooler than Princess Leia, except she doesn’t have a laser gun. But she doesn’t need a laser gun, because she has super powers! But laser guns are really cool.
Anyway, there you have it! A list of fictional princesses you could be dating, maybe! I hope you crazy kids work it out.
So there’s going to be two new Ghostbusters movies, which is something, I guess, but why can’t we just be satisfied with the Ghostbusters movie we have (there is only one), and make different funny movies?
Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, because I’ve been thinking about Ghostbusters (because there’s going to be two new Ghostbusters movies, which we totally don’t need), and I realized that Slimer…
…has a lot in common with Adventure Time’s Lumpy Space Princess.
I’m sure I like one of them better than the other, though, and I’m sure you’re all excited to find out who and why.
On to the battle!
Physicality. Slimer is a lumpy, green, legless glob of ectoplasmic goo. Lumpy Space Princess is a lumpy, purple, legless glob of mystery goo. I like purple. Winner? Lumpy Space Princess.
Has more repulsive eating habits? Slimer is first discovered haunting a hotel, chowing down at a food cart. His manners are atrocious. I mean, food is getting everywhere, he’s making all these awful sounds. It’s disgusting. Lumpy Space Princess (also known as LSP, probably because it’s easier to say and type) ran away from home to become a hobo, living in the woods and sucking baked beans right out of the can and fighting raccoons for pieces of garbage chicken legs. Winner? It’s a tie, you disgusting creatures!
Has better friends? Slimer is a hideous ghost, and no one likes him. LSP is a hideous floating space princess thing, but her best friend is Turtle Princess…
… and sometimes she hangs out with some of the other movers and shakers in the Adventure Time universe. Winner? LSP!
Wreaks more havoc? As a hideous ghost, Slimer haunts a hotel and pukes ectoplasm all over my third-favorite ghostbuster, Peter Venkman. The ghostbusters wreck up the place pretty bad trying to contain him, but that’s more on them than Slimer. Lumpy Space Princess nearly turned Jake the Dog into a Lumpy Space Person, accidentally trapped a romantic interest in a pocket of time, terrified a village of very tiny people and ate all their crops, nearly let the Lich back out into the world and pissed off a bunch of wolves one time. Winner? Lumpy Space Princess.
More easily defeated? Sure, it took the ghostbusters a while to capture Slimer, but to be fair, it was their first ghostbusting job, and they were unfamiliar with the equipment. Lumpy Space Princess, on the other hand, runs rampant throughout the Land of Ooo to this very day. Winner? Slimer.
Overall winner? Lumpy Space Princess, because they’d better not remake Adventure Time. That would be terrible.
Because they both have pink hair, and because I haven’t done a fictional character battle in ages, that’s why.
Anyway, Princess Bubblegum is a character in Adventure Time, one of the best cartoons ever, and Strawberry Shortcake, I think, was in a cartoon in the ’80s, and then again later, but mostly existed to sell scented dolls to little girls.
Which one is better?
Need I even ask?
On to the battle!
Physicality. Princess Bubblegum is a tall willowy sort who is made out of bubblegum. Strawberry Shortcake is short, kind of stout, and possibly made out of strawberry shortcake, or else why would she smell like that? Winner? Princess Bubblegum.
Rules a land of living confectioneries? Princess Bubblegum is the ruler of the Candy Kingdom, a kingdom she created by making people out of candy and somehow giving them life. She’s basically a god. Strawberry Shortcake lives in a world populated by living cupcakes and stuff, I think. I don’t know. I only pinked her because they both have pink hair. Anyway, the winner by a technicality is Princess Bubblegum, because she is absolutely a princess.
Might have dated a lovely lady vampire? Princess Bubblegum might have dated Marceline the Vampire Queen. In fact, she probably did. And if she didn’t, maybe she should, because they would make a totally cute couple. Strawberry Shortcake has never met a lovely lady vampire, let alone dated one. Winner? Princess Bubblegum.
Smells like strawberry shortcake? I feel kind of bad for Strawberry Shortcake as she endures this rout. Here’s a gimme category for her.
Sells more merchandise? And another, because there are seriously not enough Adventure Time toys, I want all of them!! Winner? Strawberry Shortcake.
Has issues with power? Princess Bubblegum is a benevolent dictator. Sometimes she does bad things, but it’s for the good of her people. Like when she created an immortal sphinx that went mad or when she brought about a zombie apocalypse (twice) or when she had the robots that used to guard the candy kingdom destroyed or maybe I should just stop now, because she’s not coming across all that well. Strawberry Shortcake is not a power-mad despot, and god bless her for it. Winner? Princess Bubblegum.
Overall winner, because it’s time for lunch? Princess Bubblegum.
One is a magical penguin from Adventure Time.
The other is a guy who looks like a Penguin from the pages of your favorite Batman comics.
Which one’s better? Eh, it’s obviously the magical penguin, because penguins are soooo cute, and magic is really great!
But let’s try for a semblance of fairness here.
On to the battle!
Physicality. Gunter is a penguin. As previously mentioned, penguins are soooo cute. Cartoon penguins are also extremely cute. Gunter is a magical cartoon penguin, and he is soooo cute! The Penguin, on the other hand, isn’t a penguin at all, but a man who wears tuxedos and/or resembles a penguin. That’s not so cute. Winner? Gunter, the adorable magical cartoon penguin. So cute!
Eviler? The Penguin is a Batman villain and, as such, is evil. And who can blame him, really, after being born a grotesque freak who resembles a mad penguin — wouldn’t anyone turn their rage on a cruel and unloving God and a cruel and unloving world? Then again, Gunter the adorable magical penguin once met a soul-sucking demon who declared Gunter to be the most evil being he had ever come across. Look, folks, if a soul-sucking demon tells you you’re evil, you are so evil. Winner? Gunter.
A more dapper dresser? The penguin wears tuxedos. That’s pretty dapper. Gunter usually goes around naked, as penguins do, but once he wore a skirt made of socks. It was really cute. Gunter is really cute.
Winner? The Penguin.
Has a better arch-nemesis? As a resident of the magical land of Ooo, when Gunter acts up, he gets schooled by Finn the Human and Jake the Dog. I wouldn’t really call them his arch-nemeses, though. The Penguin, like all other Batman villains, has a pretty badass nemesis in Batman. Winner? The Penguin.
Is magical? Gunter the adorable magical penguin is magical! Glory be! Winner? Gunter.
Lives in a post-apocalyptic world? The magical land of Ooo was built upon the crumbling remains of an empire that spanned a continent, and was possibly America. You don’t get much more post-apocalyptic than that. Gunter lives in Ooo, and also the best children’s cartoon ever, you should totally watch it. The Penguin lives in Gotham City, which is maybe New York, maybe not, but definitely pre- to mid-apocalypse rather than post-. Winner? Gunter, the magical penguin, who is totally one of my favorites.
Has a cooler attack? Gunter likes pushing glass bottles onto the ground so they break, and also sometimes pecking at you with his hideous penguin beak.
The Penguin likes strapping bombs to penguins, or maybe stabbing you with his umbrella. Winner? The Penguin, I guess, even though murdering penguins is terrible, at least his attack is more terrifying than, you know, breaking glass bottles.
Overall winner? As predicted, Gunter, the adorable magical evil penguin wins it all! Hooray! Hooray for Gunter!
Man, that’s a long post title.
Anyway, recently, you’ve noticed your significant other seems to be displaying some sort of ice-related powers. First off, that’s really cool! (Ha, ha, get it? Do you get it? It was a joke! Do you get it?) Secondly, which ice-powered superbeing could your significant other be?
Let’s find out, via the power of making a list!
1. Elsa from Frozen. Let’s just get her out of the way, shall we? If you’re dating Elsa from Frozen, you’re dating an icy blonde with anime eyes and an inferiority complex THIS BIG.
2. The Ice King. If you’re dating Adventure Time’s The Ice King, then you’re a princess! Good for you.
3. The Snow Queen. More royalty! Just be careful, because, like the Blondie song, she’s got a heart of … wait, what is that song, anyway?
4. Mr. Freeze. Prepare yourself for cold-related puns or a tragic backstory. It really depends on which continuity you’re in.
5. Iceman. The X-Men’s Iceman seems like he would be a nice boy to take home to meet your parents, unless they have some sort of anti-mutant bigotry thing going on.
6. Jack Frost. The personification of winter, before Hans Christian Anderson came along and was all: “Winter is obviously a girl, and a mean one, der!”, if you’re dating Jack Frost, and he asks you if you’re chilly, just say no.
7. Storm. Not only does Storm have snow and ice powers, she could also make a balmy day so the two of you could enjoy a relaxing picnic together. That’s nice.
8. Yuki-Onna. Oh, right, the Japanese also think Winter is a lady, but at least she’s beautiful.
9. Santa Claus. Santa Claus has snow powers, right?
10. Elijah Snow. Whoa, whoa, buddy. If you’re dating Elijah Snow, you are stepping ALL OVER my territory. That’s just not cool. (It’s a joke, do you get it? Ha ha!) Seriously, though, stay away from my boy Elijah, or I will end you.
Elsa is an orphan queen who has snow powers somehow. I’d call her the Snow Queen, but Frozen really isn’t anything at all like the Hans Christian Anderson story it’s supposedly based on, so doing so would be silly. She stars in a really popular Disney movie that has women actively doing something for once instead of just sitting around waiting for men to save them, so I kind of forgive them for completely changing the fairy tale.
The Ice King is a wizard with powers over snow. He is a character in one of the best cartoons ever, Adventure Time, which I don’t know why you’re not all watching it right now, all the time, because it’s just wonderful, and you totally should.
So: Elsa. The Ice King. In a battle, which is more a list of things and then I say which one is better at that thing. Whatever. Let’s rock!
Physicality. You know who’s pretty? Frozen’s Elsa is pretty. She’s got big sparkly eyes and long silver hair and the whole Disney animation thing going for her. The Ice King is … not so pretty. Not so pretty at all. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.
Has a big scruffy beard? Like the gentlemen from ZZ Top, the Ice King has a big scruffy beard. Elsa is a pretty lady, so she doesn’t. Winner? The Ice King.
Has a catchy theme song that just everybody is singing nowadays? A song you can’t escape right now is Let it Go, which I thought was pretty the first time, when Idina Menzel was singing it, because oh my god her voice, but have gotten more and more sick of every time I’ve heard it since. The Ice King sings sometimes, but he doesn’t have a very good voice and, also, does anybody even remember that song he sang with Marceline the Vampire Queen? Winner? Elsa from Frozen.
Is a tragic character? Elsa from Frozen is apparently a walking metaphor for coming out of the closet. She’s different from everyone else, and she must keep her differentness hidden, or else the world would fear and hate her. Also, her parents die in a shipwreck, because Disney hates parents unless they’re buying Disney merchandise for their children. Eventually, Elsa’s differentness is revealed, and she is reviled (I chose that for the slant rhyme. You’re welcome.), and she runs off to become fabulous. But then her sister tracks her down and brings her home and everything’s all right with the power of love. The Ice King is really Simon Petrikov, who was cursed with snow powers by a … erm, is there a synonym for cursed that would make sense in this context? … cursed crown, his own true self lost under layers of sheer and utter crazy. Also, he survived the apocalypse. That’s tragic. Winner? The Ice King, because love hasn’t conquered all for him…. Yet.
Has a better sidekick? Elsa from Frozen has a stupid talking snowman. I hate that guy. The Ice King, on the other hand, has various penguins named variations of Gunter. They are so cute, and also evil. Cute little evil penguins. Winner? The Ice King.
Has cooler ice powers? Elsa’s ice powers form a cool castle. The Ice King’s ice powers also form a cool castle. Elsa’s ice powers bring winter to her kingdom. The Ice King’s ice powers can also do that. Elsa’s ice powers transform her boring dress into a gorgeous, slinky gown. The Ice King’s powers … don’t so much. Winner? Elsa from Frozen, by one slinky dress.
Has better friends? Elsa’s best friend is her sister Anna, who is secretly Veronica Mars. That’s really awesome. The Ice King’s best friends are Finn and Jake, which would be super awesome, because Finn is an adventuring human (the last of his kind) and Jake is a magical talking dog, but they don’t really like the Ice King very much because he’s just so crazy. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.
Can fly? Elsa can’t fly. The Ice King can, though, using his big scruffy beard as, like, wings. Somehow. Winner? The Ice King.
Now that it’s a tie, let’s move on to the tie-breaking question, which is this:
Protects and shelters a small child in a post-apocalyptic world? Now that’s just cheating.
I know, but I’m just so sick of Let it Go. Very well, then. Winner? The Ice King.
Overall winner? The Ice King, unless he starts singing Let it Go, in which case, I will be so mad, you just don’t even know.
Dear Simon Petrikov,
I would like you to know that, in this world, there is nothing that makes my heart pitter-pat like a tragic character. And, MAN, are you a tragic character.
(Also, you have ice powers, and we’ve already determined that as a quality I seek in my perfect man.)
But back to the tragedy! Oh, so much tragedy!
You were a normal, everyday archeologist, finding magical artifacts here and there. But then, one day, you found the magical artifact that changed your life! Oh! The abject tragedy! Oh! How I regret not having a thesaurus at work!
The crown! The terrible, horrible, wonderful crown! It gave you ice powers and drove you mad! You lost your fiancee, Betty! You lost your job as an archeologist! On the bright side, though, you did survive the apocalypse without undergoing a horrible mutation, which is more than you can say for most of humanity.
In addition to being a tragic figure, Simon Petrikov, you’re a pretty nice guy. You befriend a small little girl (my kingdom! My kingdom for a thesaurus!) and help her after the apocalypse, and before she turns into a vampire!
You like Cheers and know the theme song by heart! That’s so great!
Anyway, Simon Petrikov, what I’m trying to tell you is I adore you. I dote upon you. I care for you. I don’t need a damn thesaurus, Simon Petrikov! I love you!
So if you can’t find a princess willing to marry you — which I’m willing to bet that you won’t, because now that you’ve gone all mad with ice powers, you’re kind of creepy — look me up. I have a cheap plastic crown that I’m willing to cosplay in.
I don’t really enjoy eating fast food, but I know someone who does, so every once in a while, I treat that little someone to a Happy Meal (TM) from McDonald’s (probably also (TM), but maybe (R) or (C)).
So last night, I ordered a kids meal for my little someone and, joy of joys, McDonald’s currently has Adventure Time toys (none of the lady characters FOR SOME REASON, but that’s a whole other story), so I said to the manager working the register: “We’d like an Adventure Time toy with that Happy Meal, please.”
Two seconds later, she looked up at me and asked: “Would you like a boy toy or a girl toy?”
“Well, since girls like Adventure Time, I assume the Adventure Time toy I requested is a GIRL TOY.”
“Uhhhh,” said the manager.
“ANYWAY, I would like the ADVENTURE TIME toy, which can be played with by GIRLS AND BOYS alike.”
Later, the receipt said I’d chosen a “truck toy,” so I guess trucks like Adventure Time too.
Dear Finn (the human),
Omigod you are so cute I love you SQUEEEEEE!
I apologize for the squeeing and the lack of punctuation, but it’s just that you are so cute omigod I just love you.
Now, I know there are plenty of competitors for your (oh so adorable) hand, like all those princesses you keep rescuing, and possibly that vampire girl and maybe some ladies I’m not thinking of right now. But I don’t think they love you the way I do, which is a way that involves ever so much squeeing.
(Although, now that I think about it, the Hot Dog Princess does seem like the type who would squee all over the place.)
Anyway, Finn, I love you because you are just SO CUTE with your little short pants and your cute little animal hat (what kind of animal is that? A white beaver?) and your fluffy blond hair that’s hiding under your cute little animal hat and also, you don’t have a nose.
Also, I adore your pure heart and your courage and your love for your friends. And how your roommate/best friend is a talking, magical dog. That’s just CUTE.
I also love it when you stab monsters with your sword, or kick them in the shins, and I think my favorite thing about you of all is when you get impotently angry and start screaming and flailing and nothing happens, just like in the real world.
Oh, Finn, I just love you SO MUCH.
And if you ever get sick of hanging out with princesses and magic dogs and zombies, and just want to kick it with another human, let me know.
I’ll be waiting!