Proof that Hollywood hates me

February 23, 2017 at 10:13 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. Why Great Wall you guys?

A. Because why not take everything I would love in a modern movie — action, monsters, an attractive Asian cast — and toss a steaming pile of Matt Damon right on in there?

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don't get his appeal AT ALL.

I am sorry, you guys, but I just don’t get his appeal AT ALL.

Advertisements

Permalink 4 Comments

The Boy, a doll, whatever

January 22, 2016 at 10:27 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. So, another haunted doll movie, what?

A. I told you guys that Hollywood hates me.

YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME THAT ALL DOLLS ARE EVIL I ALREADY KNOW THAT IT WON'T STOP STARING WITH ITS DEAD, EVIL EYES GAHHHHHH.

YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME THAT ALL DOLLS ARE EVIL I ALREADY KNOW THAT AND IT WON’T STOP STARING WITH ITS DEAD, EVIL EYES GAHHHHHH.

Permalink 5 Comments

Creepy movies about dolls, why not

October 3, 2014 at 9:43 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. Would a loving God really allow a movie like Annabelle to exist?

A. The world is a cold and hard place, and God wants you to suffer.

THANKS A LOT, GOD.

THANKS A LOT, GOD.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Could the Edge of Tomorrow be the best Tom Cruise movie EVER?

June 6, 2014 at 9:50 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, , )

Q. Why the Edge of Tomorrow?

A. Because if you have to see a Tom Cruise movie, it should be one where he dies over and over and over.

Edge of Tomorrow is a dumb name, but at least it's better than the novel that inspired it.

Edge of Tomorrow is a dumb name, but at least it’s better than the novel that inspired it.

Permalink Leave a Comment

KFC’s new ad campaign

April 19, 2013 at 10:42 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. What does the clown-faced serial killer leaning over your bed in the middle of the night say when you ask him what happened to your pet Peke-a-Poo?

A. “I Ate the Bones!”

"Incidentally, I will also eat your bones. Because I am a serial killing clown."

“Incidentally, I will also eat your bones. Because I am a serial killing clown.”

Permalink 4 Comments

I’m not too taken with Taken 2

October 5, 2012 at 11:49 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. Why a Taken 2?

A. To prove to doubters that even Liam Neeson can’t punch every movie into awesomeness.

But dammit, he’ll try.

Permalink Leave a Comment

The oddest feeling of deja vu, about zombies

September 14, 2012 at 10:18 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. So, another Resident Evil movie for some reason!

A. Right, because, really, people do still watch those.

Can somebody please tell me WHY you still watch those?

Permalink 5 Comments

It’s about time, Hollywood

June 29, 2012 at 7:31 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. So, Magic Mike is a movie about male strippers, apparently.

A. I think it’s nice that they’re letting Channing Tatum’s chest carry a movie.

Free your chest, Channing Tatum, and the rest will follow.

Permalink Leave a Comment

I’m not usually THAT scared of the dark

April 13, 2012 at 1:14 pm (Two-sentence Reviews)

Q. What’s worse than a power failure?

A. A power failure at a funeral home.

Also, you're in a room with a "client," and it's too dark to find your way out.

Permalink Leave a Comment

More Snow Whites than you can shake a stick at!

March 30, 2012 at 4:30 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. So we get two Snow White movies this year, and one has to have Julia Roberts in it?

A. Are you guys sure we needed two Snow White movies?

Or even one?

Permalink 3 Comments

Next page »