Proof that Hollywood hates me
Q. Why Great Wall you guys?
A. Because why not take everything I would love in a modern movie — action, monsters, an attractive Asian cast — and toss a steaming pile of Matt Damon right on in there?
I am sorry, you guys, but I just don’t get his appeal AT ALL.
The Boy, a doll, whatever
Q. So, another haunted doll movie, what?
A. I told you guys that Hollywood hates me.
YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME THAT ALL DOLLS ARE EVIL I ALREADY KNOW THAT AND IT WON’T STOP STARING WITH ITS DEAD, EVIL EYES GAHHHHHH.
Creepy movies about dolls, why not
Q. Would a loving God really allow a movie like Annabelle to exist?
A. The world is a cold and hard place, and God wants you to suffer.
THANKS A LOT, GOD.
Could the Edge of Tomorrow be the best Tom Cruise movie EVER?
Q. Why the Edge of Tomorrow?
A. Because if you have to see a Tom Cruise movie, it should be one where he dies over and over and over.
Edge of Tomorrow is a dumb name, but at least it’s better than the novel that inspired it.
KFC’s new ad campaign
Q. What does the clown-faced serial killer leaning over your bed in the middle of the night say when you ask him what happened to your pet Peke-a-Poo?
“Incidentally, I will also eat your bones. Because I am a serial killing clown.”
I’m not too taken with Taken 2
Q. Why a Taken 2?
A. To prove to doubters that even Liam Neeson can’t punch every movie into awesomeness.
But dammit, he’ll try.
The oddest feeling of deja vu, about zombies
Q. So, another Resident Evil movie for some reason!
A. Right, because, really, people do still watch those.
Can somebody please tell me WHY you still watch those?
It’s about time, Hollywood
Q. So, Magic Mike is a movie about male strippers, apparently.
A. I think it’s nice that they’re letting Channing Tatum’s chest carry a movie.
Free your chest, Channing Tatum, and the rest will follow.
I’m not usually THAT scared of the dark
Q. What’s worse than a power failure?
A. A power failure at a funeral home.
Also, you're in a room with a "client," and it's too dark to find your way out.
More Snow Whites than you can shake a stick at!
Q. So we get two Snow White movies this year, and one has to have Julia Roberts in it?
A. Are you guys sure we needed two Snow White movies?
Or even one?
Hollywood Hates Me 