Han and Leia sitting in a tree
Yeah, so, apparently Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher had a torrid affair during the filming of Star Wars, which would be cool, because, like, wow! Han and Leia were really in love, that’s great, but it’s not cool because Harrison Ford was totally married and Carrie Fisher was totally only 19, and now one of my favorite movie romances is ruined!
I usually go *sighhhhh* over this image, but now I kind of go *ewwwww*.
Thank God I have my other favorite movie romance to fall back on.
Please don’t ruin this for me, guys.
A love letter to Indiana Jones
Dear Indiana Jones,
I’ve always loved you since I was a little girl.
Daddy issues, probably.
Actually, I did go through a phase where I wasn’t that into you, but that’s because my brother was going through a phase where he wore khakis and a fedora, carried a whip, and wanted to be an archeologist, and it just felt wrong to love you then.
Like this, but it’s your brother and not some random cosplayer.
But other than that, I have always, always loved you.
(About as much as I love Han Solo.)
Dear Han Solo:
I’ve always loved you since I was a little girl.
Which is why I think we should get married.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl for you. Hell, I think Marion Ravenwood is, like, the perfect girl, full stop. She’s brave, beautiful, can handle alcohol well, and she just seems really like a lot of fun to be around.
And she’s all like: “Eat my smoke, Nazi!”
There’s only one problem with Marion Ravenwood, Indiana. When you procreate with her, you create a Shia LeBeouf.
LOOK AT HIS STUPID HAT! LOOK AT IT!
And that’s terrible. That’s just terrible.
Now I, on the other hand, have a beautiful, talented, non-plagiarizing daughter, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that sort of thing.
Seriously, he is just the worst.
So, let’s get married.
Just you, me and your whip.
We could honeymoon in, oh, I don’t know, Germany? AND FIGHT SOME NAZIS!!!
Announcing the new Han Solo, like I care
So Disney has cast Alden Ehrenreich to play young Han Solo, like anyone cares who they cast to play young Han Solo if they didn’t bother to invent a time machine and bring a confused (but game!) young Harrison Ford to the future.
“Time travel?” he’d say. “Sure, I can work with that.”
Sherlock Holmes vs. Han Solo
In this corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
In the other corner, it’s one of my absolute favorite fictional characters.
OH GOD WHO WILL WIN????
Onward to the battle!
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes isn’t supposed to be handsome, but lately he’s been played by these attractive actors, like Basil Rathbone (lately?) and Benedict Cumberbatch. Han Solo, on the other hand, looks like Harrison Ford. Winner? Han Solo. Because he looks like Harrison Ford.
When I say “I love you” to photos of Han Solo, I like to whisper back to myself: “I know.”
Better sidekick? Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick is the ever-faithful, ever-ignoring-his-clients Dr. John Watson. Han Solo’s sidekick is Chewbacca the Wookiee, whom Spellchecker hates. Chewie is an 8-foot-tall hair monster who rips off people’s arms when he loses at space chess. He says “Ahrrr” a lot. Winner? Han Solo, because Chewbacca is awesome.
Eh, maybe he’s only a 7’6″ hair monster.
Is an interstellar space pilot? Sherlock Holmes lives in the 19th and early 20th century, where space travel was nothing more than a mad pipe dream. Also, he didn’t even know the earth was round, so he’d probably be just terrible at space piloting anyway. Han Solo, however, is an interstellar space pilot. Winner? Han Solo.
I used to have a Millennium Falcon keychain, but I lost it at the grocery store, and then I cried.
Comes back from certain death? Sherlock Holmes was dead for 10 years after being tossed over the edge of the Reichenbach Falls (spoiler alert: he never fell). He came back. Han Solo? … Not so much. Winner? Sherlock Holmes, because suck it, death.
“Pfft. Like the evilest supervillain of my time could ever defeat me.”
Doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? You know who has a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, that’s who. Also, her baby daddy, Han Solo. You know who doesn’t have a damn wiener son who ruins everything? Sherlock Holmes. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Stupid Kylo Ren, ruining everything. Stupid.
Solves more crimes? Han Solo is a smuggler. A smuggler in space! He is definitely not solving any crimes. Committing them, sure. Solving them, not so much. Sherlock Holmes is a genius detective, the likes of which the world has never seen. He solves crimes like *insert cliche here*. He is a crime-solving machine. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
“I certainly do enjoy solving crimes.”
Has a cooler love interest? Sherlock Holmes doesn’t like ladies, or love, or anything except John Watson and cocaine and solving crimes. Han Solo fell for the ultra-badass Princess Leia, who is now a badass general. She is the coolest. Winner? Han Solo.
*Sighhhhhhh*
Has a light saber? Haaah, this is a trick question. Luke Skywalker has a light saber. Han Solo just has a laser gun. Winner? Nobody.
“‘Just’ a laser gun? Really?”
Wears a more iconic costume? True story: When I was in college, I dated a guy who idolized Han Solo , and wore cowboy boots and vests for years of his childhood in an effort to match his hero’s unique style of dress. That’s pretty iconic! Also, a really lame anecdote. But Sherlock Holmes has the deerstalker cap and cape! Winner? It’s a tie.
An iconic tie.
Is winning this fictional character battle? Han Solo, barely.
“Barely’s still winning, sweetcheeks. Barely’s still winning.”
Is that a surprise? Well, Sherlock Holmes always wins these things. But Han Solo is Han Solo, you know?
So he’s going to come out ahead? … Maybe?
Overall winner? I know this is going to be hard to believe, fellow Holmesians, but … Han Solo. Han Solo is the overall winner. I … think I might cry.
I know, Holmes. I can barely stand myself right now.
Er, I mean, congratulations, Han Solo, the guy I wanted to marry when I was a kid!
A Star Wars review for realsies this time
As you’re aware, I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens this weekend. Here are my thoughts, other than “It sucks that Wedge, my second-favorite character, wasn’t in it.”
First off, did you see the new hotshot pilot Poe Dameron? And also the evil General Hux? They were, like, soooo handsome, and I didn’t even realize they were both in Ex Machina, which I also saw and didn’t think either of them were all that good-looking in it, so some kudos are deserved either by the makeup artists of Star Wars (for making them so pretty) or the makeup artists of Ex Machina (for making them so not).
He’s no Wedge, but I guess he’ll do.
Also: *dreamy sighhhhhh*
Secondly, and horrifyingly, did you notice that the two main characters WERE BOTH BORN IN 1992?! Are they even old enough to drive, let alone fly interstellar spaceships? Also, how freaking old am I?
Get off my lawn, you young Jedi Knights!
Thirdly, did anyone else SQUEEEEE when the Millennium Falcon showed up? And then again when Han and Chewie showed up? And then a third time when Princess/General Leia appeared on the screen? And then you didn’t get to squee because Wedge Antilles never showed up, and I think the movie could only have been improved if all the characters went around saying “Where is Wedge?” whenever he wasn’t on screen.
I missed you guys SO MUCH while you were gone!
And what was up with cut-rate Darth Vader taking off his mask and showing off his ugly mug all the time? Doesn’t he realize he’s SO MUCH MORE INTIMIDATING with his mask on?
I mean, not THAT intimidating, but more intimidating than his damn face.
Plus, was anyone else disappointed that they went to the trouble of casting the beautiful Lupita Nyong’o and then had her play a Yoda-esque goggle monster?
GAHHHHHHHHHH.
Anyway, the action sequences were great, the special effects were good, and there were some funny bits, and then something so damned tragic happened, and I’d say I cried like a little girl, but I brought my daughter to the movie with me and she didn’t cry at all.
And then I cried some more, because I’ve raised The Bad Seed.
So, yes, the new Star Wars was a good movie and I liked it, except for that one part, and I never want to see it again.
Damn you for making me cry like that, J.J. Abrams.
Han Solo vs. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace
Two cocky space rogues enter a bar.
One shoots first.
Because badass, that's why.
But seriously, folks, please enjoy this battle between Star Wars’ Han “Han Solo” Solo and Battlestar Galactica’s Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, two of the best interstellar pilots you’re likely to run into in science fiction.
Who shall come out ahead?
Let the battle commence!
Physicality. Now there’s no arguing that Katee Sackhoff is a beautiful woman who cleans up good and has the body of an Olympic athlete, but she’s going up against a young Harrison Ford here.
Definitely cleans up good.
A young Harrison Ford doing Han Solo cosplay. Apologies to the lovely Ms. Sackhoff, but nobody can come back from that. Winner? Han Solo.
L'il Richard voice: Good God, y'all!
More likely to murder a space-robot? Now if there’s one think Kara “Starbuck” Thrace hates, it’s Cylons. Which is robots, for those of you less nerdy than I. And if there’s one thing she enjoys, it’s murdering Cylons. It’s hard to blame her, since Cylons blowed up her home planet and keep bothering her about her special destiny and generally ruining her life and universe.
Also, thanks to those homicidal robots, she has to wear this outfit, like, all the time, when she looks so cute in a dress!
However, Han Solo runs around space with one of the most annoying robots ever made: C3PO, that robot with a hyphen in there somewhere that I can never remember (nor care) where it is. Not murderizing that robot takes the patience of Job. Or possibly Lot. Whichever one of those guys was more patient and also hung out with more robots. (Robots is in the Old Testament, right?) In conclusion, this one’s a tossup, folks. Winner? It’s a tie.
Has a cooler spaceship? I love me some Vipers, I do, but c’mon! The Millennium Falcon. The Millennium Falcon! The Millennium Falcon!! Spaceships don’t get cooler than the Millennium Falcon. It is scientifically impossible. Winner? Han Solo.
If awesome was rocket fuel, this ship would run on awesome.
Has a hotter significant other? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace enjoys playing the field, but deep down, she’s deeply in love with Lee “Apollo” Adama. Except for those times when she’s deeply in love with her husband, Samuel “I’m actually a Cylon” Anders. Han Solo’s significant other is Princess Leia, an interstellar space princess (what do you mean the “interstellar” implies the “space” bit? This is my fictional character battle, and it sounds good that way, so shut up, you!) of such magnificent hotness she had to have her breasts bound by duct tape so as to not further overexcite the males of Star Wars. On the other hand, though, have you seen Apollo and Anders? Winner? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, because of simple math: Two hot guys > one hot princess.
I've chosen to illustrate my point with a photograph of Sam Anders about to shoot you. Because mrow, that's why.
Of course, this kiss is pretty hot too.
Fights overwhelming odds and comes out on top? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace is constantly fighting overwhelming odds and coming out on top, except for that time she died, which was really sad. But then she came back! Which was kind of weird. And then she disappeared when they got to earth, because everyone was dreaming her all along. (Ha, no, seriously, I have no idea what was up with that. That part sucked.) Han Solo also fights overwhelming odds and comes out on top, except for that time he got frozen in carbonite, which was really sad, but makes for a cool Lego set. Also, he got rescued and then got to hook up with a hot princess. Winner? Han Solo.
My kingdom for this Lego set!
(My, er, Lego kingdom.)Tries to have Gaeta executed for no reason other than sheer meanness? Luckily for Alessandro Juliani, he wasn’t old enough to be in the Star Wars movies, because he’d have probably shown up for two seconds and died. That seems to be a thing for him lately. Unfortunately for Felix Gaeta, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace is the queen of grudge-holding and is none too smart, so doesn’t realize that he was actually their mole on the inside and nearly gets my boy Gaeta thrown out an airlock, through sheer stubborn assholery. In case you’re wondering, no, I haven’t forgiven her for that and, no, I never will. Winner? Go to hell, Kara. You’re a Gaeta-attempted-murdering jerk.
I can't forgive anyone who would try to harm a single hair on this man's head. I LOVE his hair.
Has a cooler weapon? Han Solo has a laser gun. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace has a regular gun. Also, their spaceships can shoot, I don’t know, also lasers? Winner? The guy with the laser gun always wins. Han Solo.
Has a cooler boss? Han Solo is subordinate to no man. Hell, even when he joins the resistance, he becomes a general, like, instantaneously. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, however, works for Cmdr. William Adama, a man so awesome he’s even better than Darth Vader. Winner? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace.
Bonus points for hooking up with the boss's son.
Either doomed or saved humanity? At various points in the Battlestar Galactica (re-imagined) saga, it is claimed that Kara “Starbuck” Thrace is either humanity’s savior or its doom. And then she dies. But she comes back, like Jesus! Except imagine Jesus is a bit of a jerk and a drunk. Also a lady. (Oh, crap, I just accidentally encouraged someone to re-imagine the life story of Jesus Christ, didn’t I?)
Please don't make this movie. Please don't make this movie.
And then they find Earth and humanity is either doomed or saved! Han Solo helps battle the evil empire, with the help of his friends the rebels, and thus saves humanity! (Or possibly dooms it, because how are all those people going to get healthcare without the government to help them, evil dictatorship or no?) Winner? Nobody!
Has a better sidekick? You’d think a guy with a name like Solo wouldn’t have a sidekick, because he’d feel compelled to live up to the solitary implications of his last name. Also, George Lucas is none too subtle at naming characters, so you’d doubly expect him to not have a sidekick. But you’d be wrong, because a sidekick he does possess! One of the most awesome sidekicks in the history of sidekickery: Chewbacca the Wookiee. I never know how many vowels that has, I swear. Does Kara “Starbuck” Thrace have a sidekick? No. No, she does not. Probably because everybody’s mad at her for trying to kill Gaeta. Winner? Han Solo.
It takes a special kind of man not to be intimidated by an 8-foot-tall hair monster.
Overall winner? In a sound trouncing, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace loses this battle against Han “Young Harrison Ford” Solo.
Doesn't help that your damn hot husband shot off Gaeta's leg, either, Starbuck.
Hollywood Hates Me 