Of sailors and boredom

December 11, 2015 at 10:33 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

So, a long time ago, Herman Melville wrote this famous novel about a whale and obsession and sailors and all that and called it Moby Dick, as if it couldn’t be more obviously about penises.

"Heh. Penises."

“Heh. Penises.”

Anyhoo, it’s one of the great man vs. nature stories filled with metaphor and brilliance and it just bores me to tears, I’m sorry, I can’t stand it.

I do, however, love W. Francis McBeth's band piece, "Of Sailors and Whales," from whence I stole this post title.

I do, however, love W. Francis McBeth’s band piece, “Of Sailors and Whales,” from whence I stole this post title.

And now it’s a movie! Except it’s a movie about the true story of Moby Dick, and it stars Thor (I think?) and Cillian Murphy (I’m positive), and there’s a lady whose only line is to tell her husband to come back safely, because this movie couldn’t be more obviously about penises.

"Nuh-uh, it's about whales!"

“Nuh-uh, it’s about whales!”

The gist of the plot seems to be that a whale attacks their ship because whales are jerks, and then they try to survive on lifeboats while the whale continues to try to murder them, because whales are SUPER-jerks, and for some reason, another sailor points his gun at Probably Thor and tells him to admit he’s afraid and he says: “I will not.” But seriously, dude, it’s okay to be afraid of the Murder Whale, jeez. It’s not like people are going to think you’re less of a man or whatever.

Man, whales are such dicks.

Man, whales are such dicks.

And if you want to kiss your second mate, Cillian Murphy, well — no one could blame you for that either.

He's just SO BEAUTIFUL.

He’s just SO BEAUTIFUL.

So there you have it. A movie about whales. Definitely whales.

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I finally saw Inception!

May 23, 2013 at 10:14 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

And I know that you’re all so proud of me.

It was a great sacrifice, and I deserve all the praise you care to heap upon me.

It was a great sacrifice, and I deserve all the praise you care to heap upon me.

Of course, it wasn’t quite as exciting to watch as it might have been if I’d seen it back when it came out, or even back before Pete Postlethwaite (God rest your talented soul, sir!!) died, or even before I read multiple articles telling me exactly what happened. (On a related note, if you’ve been spoiled for The Sixth Sense, it turns out it’s kind of a boring movie.)

I mean, it's so obvious that he's a ghost all along when somebody already told you.

I mean, it’s so obvious that he’s a ghost all along when somebody already told you.

But the special effects were awesome and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, despite appearing eternally 15, actually pulls off a suit quite well.

Also, I think he can fly.

Also, I think he can fly.

Cillian Murphy was great and beautiful, as always, and Leonardo DiCaprio was puffy but awesome (seriously, despite him not being my type at all, I’ve admired his acting ability ever since The Basketball Diaries, so now you know that I am well and truly old), and Shadowcat had the name Ariadne for some reason (like, maybe her fictional parents were as into Greek mythology as I am?).

A photo of Cillian Murphy, because Cillian Murphy has cheekbones that could kill, that's why.

A photo of Cillian Murphy, because Cillian Murphy has cheekbones that could kill, that’s why.

However, I know you didn’t come here to hear my opinions on the actor’s talents/good looks. You came here to find out the answer to the eternal question: Was it all a dream?

Yes. Yes, it was.

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Resisting urge to pun: In Time is a movie that opens this weekend

October 28, 2011 at 11:39 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Reviews haven’t been too kind to In Time, calling it a Logan’s Run imitation and other such things. But I’ve never seen Logan’s Run, which I completely meant to do that one time when I was watching Soylent Green and stuff, but didn’t. I can’t remember why not. I’m still planning to getting around to it someday!

You and Clockwork Orange, I swear.

Anyway, my point is that I personally can’t compare the In Time trailer to Logan’s Run, because I’ve got nothing to go on except people die young and Logan runs. (Unless it’s one of those movies where the name has nothing to do with the movie, I guess. Then I know even less than that.)

In Time stars Justin Timberlake, who I think was a pop star once, and is bothering me less and less as a leading-man type.

Like in this scene, where he's apparently channeling James Bond.

It’s also got Amanda Seyfried with just the cutest little bob!

SUCH a cute bob!

And, most importantly, and the thing that is convincing me this is a film I need to see: it’s got Cillian Murphy.

“Cillian Murphy’s in a movie?” I said when I saw the cast list. “I love him in those.”

I also love him in photographs. His cheekbones could rule the world.

Also, he seems to be shooting at the hero a lot, which makes this my favorite kind of Cillian Murphy movie: One wherein he is a badass.

Leather. Gun. Bad ASS.

In Time also seems to star Olivia Wilde, whose fame I just don’t get still. She’s beautiful, but I think she’s just a terrible actress. Is she getting better or something? Or are they just casting her to type: Beautiful, incredibly wooden woman who has only one facial expression?

I don't know. Does "At least she's not Megan Fox" sound more like a compliment or an insult?

But ignoring Olivia Wilde for the moment, the plot of the movie seems to be that people in the future (alternate universe? different world?) don’t have money. They have time. Everybody stops aging at 25, which doesn’t explain Cillian Murphy, but I don’t care because he’s beautiful at any age (so far, anyway), and rich people can live basically forever. Although I think they can get killed by accidents and murder and stuff, or else why would Cillian Murphy be shooting at Justin Timberlake? (I guess it could be because he just likes to hurt people and watch them not die, actually.) Justin Timberlake is poor, so he’s going to die at 26, which is the cutoff for some reason, but then the guy from Chuck and White Collar gives him all his time and dies instead, so newly-immortal Justin Timberlake goes all Robin Hood and hooks up with Amanda Seyfried, as we all would do, given the means.

I know I'd trade places with Justin Timberlake in this poster in a heartbeat.

The trailer makes it look pretty fun, like chase scene after chase scene with a few Amanda Seyfried gettin’ naked scenes thrown in and Cillian Murphy shooting stuff just to spice things up. So … maybe it’s worth your checking out? I mean, Cillian Murphy is in it, and I love when he’s in movies and stuff.

And in leather trenchcoats. I love him in leather trenchcoats.

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You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine

August 2, 2011 at 9:34 am (Randomosity) (, , , )

I recently re-watched the great outer space flick Sunshine and I noticed a thing I had never noticed before.

That this scene was never in the movie!

The guy who plays Mace is Captain America!

See?

Admittedly, probably the reason I never noticed that the first time I watched it was because he hadn’t been cast as Captain America yet, and also I was too busy gazing at Cillian Murphy.

It's one of my hobbies.

The point of this point is that Chris Evans is really handsome.

That is all.

 

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The Scarecrow vs. The Scarecrow

August 1, 2011 at 5:11 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

Lately, I’ve been neglecting to fill this blog with photographs of Cillian Murphy. I shall now remedy the situation by having his character in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight face off against a scarecrow of a different color: The scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.

Cillian Murphy! (This has nothing to do with the Scarecrow. I just enjoy looking at him.)

As far as background, both characters go by “Scarecrow,” but only one is played by Cillian Murphy. For convenience sake, let’s call The Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz Scarecrow (W) and The Scarecrow from Batman Scarecrow (B).

Let’s get to battlin’.

Physicality. Scarecrow (W) is a scarecrow. Scarecrow (B) was played by Cillian Murphy in the movies that I thought got kind of boring, but everybody else really seemed to like a lot. Winner? Cillian Murphy.

I like that he's smiling in this picture. Also, I like that it's a picture of Cillian Murphy.

Is evil? If there’s one thing the folks in the DC Universe are good at, it’s giving Batman some awfully wicked foes to fight. (I didn’t say they’re always good at it.) Scarecrow (B) is one of those foes, who likes to spray his victims with some kind of fear gas that I would know more about if Two-Face wasn’t my favorite Batman villain. Scarecrow (W) Seems like a nice enough guy. Then again, he is a scarecrow. But not a scarecrow with fear gas. Winner? Scarecrow (B).

Awwww, but he's so cute here.

Lives in a magical land filled with wonder? Scarecrow (B) lives in Gotham City, which I think is the penal colony version of New York City. So it’s filled with something, all right. Just not wonder. Scarecrow (W) lives in Oz, where nobody ever dies (except when L. Frank Baum forgets that rule and someone dies) and no one grows old (see last paranthesis) and there is magic and wonder all over the place. Winner? Scarecrow (W).

Like, you know, talking scarecrows.

Faces a greater adversary? I’ve been using the word “foe” a lot, eh? Adversary it is. Scarecrow (W) has to face off against a powerful evil witch. That seems like it would be troublesome, but it turns out she’s like those stupid aliens in that stupid movie and stupid stupid M. Night Shyamalan. Anyway, she’s totally defeated when someone splashes water on her, which, gosh, is even easier than sucker punching somebody.

"Sure, Helen, I'd love to stop by for a visit, but it's raining. And you know how rain kills me!"

Scarecrow (B) has to fight Batman. Well, he doesn’t have to, but he’s crazy and a villain, so he does. And we all know there’s no tougher opponent than Batman. Winner? Scarecrow (B).

Inserted for your pleasure: A gratuitous photo of Batman.

Has brains? Scarecrow (B) has brains. Scarecrow (W) gets bilked out of his rightful brains by a phony wizard, who doesn’t even open the head of one of the witch’s flying monkeys and scoop a bowl out for the poor bastard. Winner? Scarecrow (B).

The Internet had more pictures of monkey brains than I would have imagined. I'm back from throwing up now.

Has better friends? Scarecrow (W) befriends a little girl named Dorothy, a cowardly lion named The Cowardly Lion and the tin man named the Tin Man. Oz was a very literal place.

Literally a PRISON, that is. Ha ha ha ha ... sighhhh.

Anyway, they all go on adventures, murder a witch and become the bestest of friends. Scarecrow (B) is a sociopath. Some sociopaths have friends, maybe, but they’re probably thinking that any moment they’re going to get stabbed in the eye, so I’ll bet they’re not the kind of friends who help someone move. Winner? Scarecrow (W).

"Well, gosh, Jonathan, I'd help you move, but I'm catsitting for the Joker right now."

Ends up ruling a kingdom? Scarecrow (B), like so many of Batman’s enemies, ends up in Arkham Asylum a lot. Which isn’t so much a kingdom as a mental instution that is also haunted. Also, he doesn’t really rule it so much as rot in a cell. On the other hand, Scarecrow (W) ends up ruling, I don’t know, the Winkies or some damn body. Winner? Scarecrow (W).

Didn’t get ruined by the live-action movies, like my favorite villain, Two-Face, did? Hey, you can’t go wrong when you cast Cillian Murphy as anybody. He’s brilliant. Ummmm, and Scarecrow (W) wasn’t ruined by the movie either, but I’m still going with: Winner? Scarecrow (B).

He's a tragic figure, dammit! Why can't anyone get that right?

Overall winner? Gotham City’s terror at night: Jonathan Crane.

Oh, right, I could've called him that instead of Scarecrow (B). Well, too late now.

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So, exactly how long is Cillian Murphy in Inception, anyway?

July 14, 2010 at 5:47 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , )

Because my desire to see this film is entirely dependent on that one piece of information. If the answer is “Not very long at all,” then I definitely don’t want to see it. If the answer is, “Actually, he’s the star, I don’t know why they wasted all that time in the trailer on Leonardo DiCaprio, to whom time is doing no great favors, looks-wise,” then I might maybe could want to see it.

Yup, that’s where things stand. Balanced on the sharp, sharp ridges of Murphy’s awesome cheekbones.

(Gods, they’re awesome, aren’t they?)

I could, and wholly intend to, write odes to the perfection of Cillian Murphy's cheekbones.

Sure, the special effects are pretty stunning, which is good, because if you’re setting a movie in dreams, they had better be, because whose dreams follow the law of gravity? Or is it laws of gravity? Whatever.

Oh, if you guys didn’t know, Inception is the new movie from Christopher “Memento” Nolan “The Dark Knight” … um … Nolan again.

Nice use of slant rhyme there, poster.

It’s about people who break into dreams for some reason. I didn’t actually follow much of the trailer, actually, because I was like, omigod, it’s MICHAEL CAINE I love that guy and where’d he go?

Don't tease me with Sir Michael and then take him away, damn you!

Why is Ellen Page there instead?

Here's a picture of Ellen Page. I think she played Shadowcat once.

What happened to Cillian Murphy and his cheekbones?

What did I say about TEASING me, you sonsuvbitches!

Why can’t I believe that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is older than 19?

He's going to be one of those guys who looks like he's 12 forever, isn't he.

So I wasn’t actually following boring, boring and slightly flabby Leonardo DiCaprio very closely.

Or would "puffy" be more apt?

And I apologize for that. Really, I do. I truly intended to go into this anti-review knowing what this movie was about.

But how can you stick Cillian Murphy in a trailer AND NOT LET ME KNOW HOW LONG HE’S IN THE FILM?

It’s just not fair.

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Shaun (of the Dead) vs. Jim

December 29, 2009 at 3:25 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , )

Who the hell is Jim, you say? Does Jim even have a last name, you say? Probably he does, but no one bothered to tell the Internet what it was!

(Jim is Cillian Murphy’s character in 28 Days Later, another great zombie flick.)

Yup. Those're zombies, Shaun. Zombies.

I know it's the apocalypse and you just got out of a month-long coma, but that's no reason to abandon basic hair maintenance.

Sure, Shaun and Jim both faced zombies and came out triumphant, but what if they had to go up against each other? (And more zombies, because wouldn’t that be a great crossover??)

Let the epic battle begin!

Physicality. Well, we all know that there’s a soft spot in my heart for the mysteriously hot Simon Pegg, but here’s the thing. There’s nothing mysterious about Cillian Murphy’s hotness. His cheekbones could cut glass. His eyes are like, I don’t know, this real pretty color, like the sky or something, whatever. (In fact, his IMDB page describes his Trade Mark — which should really be one word — as “Bright blue eyes and prominent cheekbones.” Thank God I’m not the only one who noticed.) They’re both pretty short, though, which makes me sad, but I’ll get over it. Also, in 28 Days Later, Jim was completely nude in the hospital for some reason. (Seriously, is that some sort of British thing? “Hey, let’s strip the coma guy! Shit, are those zombies?!”) Winner? Jim.

Searching for photos of Cillian Murphy is almost as fun as searching for photos of Takeshi Kaneshiro.

 

Although I do like how pensive Simon Pegg looks in this photo.

Cooler weaponry? Shaun had a cricket bat. Mallet? Shaun had a wooden object used in the playing of cricket and he bashed zombies repeatedly about the head with said object. Later, he used a Winchester rifle that he got at the Winchester bar. Also, he used a tetherball pole. (Oooh, and records. He also used records. Not “Purple Rain,” though, God bless ‘im.) Jim had some sort of, I don’t know, baseball bat or something? (Of course, being British too, he probably also had the cricket thing, but what do I know?) Later, he used his bare hands and even a zombie as a weapon (against some remarkably crappy humans, not other zombies). Winner? Shaun, because that bit with the tetherball pole was sooooo funny.

Die, you zombie bastards, die!

Gets the girl? Yes! Shaun ends up with Liz, the girlfriend who dumped him just as the zombie outbreak begins. Jim hooks up with Selena, who is a crazy gorgeous chick/badass zombie killer. Winner? I’m going to have to go with Shaun here, because I can’t actually imagine Selena and Jim’s relationship lasting once the threat of imminent death was past.

Suffers tragic losses in the course of the zombie invasion? Shaun loses his stepfather, right after the man gives a heartfelt confession about having always loved his stepson. Then his mom gets bit by zombies and he has to shoot her in the face. Then his girlfriend’s flatmates get eaten by zombies. Then his best friend gets bit by zombies, and then I started crying and couldn’t stop. Gimme a second here. *sob* Jim wakes from a coma to find that his parents committed suicide to avoid turning into zombies (in this zombie flick, interestingly enough, the infected are living creatures, not walking undead). Really, those were the only people he was close to. Everyone else around him who dies are just people he met after the apocalypse. Winner? Shaun. *sob*

Not Ed! NOOOOOOO!

Bigger badass? God, did you see the way Shaun was fighting those zombies with the cricket thing? Wasn’t that cool? And the way he lit that bar counter on fire? And the way he took a dart to the head? Pretty badass, right? Hey, hey, did you see the way Jim beat that infected kid to death with his baseball bat or whatever? And then the way he killed all those soldiers who were going to rape his female companions? That was a pretty awesome sequence, wasn’t it? I mean, Jim was actually scarier than the zombies. Winner? I love Shaun (obviously), but the win here has to go to Jim, because, damn, he was one hell of a badass when he killed all those soldiers.

Lived to fight another day? You’d think this would be a tie, wouldn’t you? Well, you clearly haven’t seen the alternate (original) ending of 28 Days Later, which features Jim’s tragic demise in a hospital (bookending the movie neatly, I suppose). In that ending, he died. Winner? Shaun.

You've got some red on you.

Fought scarier zombies? For a while there, Shaun and his buddy Ed thought the zombie in their yard was a drunk chick. They even took photos of her and stuff. You know, before it became painfully apparent that she was undead. (And let that be a lesson to you, folks. Always assume the creepy person in your yard is a zombie until proven otherwise! Be prepared! Zombie apocalypse!) Jim, however, had to face the first fast-moving zombies. They were, like, the Usain Bolt of zombies! Zoom! Really fast! Winner? Jim.

Better soundtrack? All right, 28 Days Later had some neat songs, like that one song by Granddaddy and that other song that played over the ending credits and also that mix of “Ave Maria.” But Shaun of the Dead had The Smiths and Peter Cetera! Plus loads of other fun and/or good songs! Winner? Shaun!

Overall winner? Looks like Shaun comes out triumphant here, people. Cillian Murphy’s Jim was awesome, but he’s no Shaun (of the Dead).

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Because I’m feeling bad about using creepy pictures

August 21, 2009 at 6:09 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , )

Since my last two posts had Madonna’s nasty arms and a scary bunny costume (Eric Elbogen is totally cute though, and I want to hug him or whatever), I figured now was about the time for a nice picture (or three).

Thus, a top ten list! It shall be … let’s see … the top ten crushworthiest actors in Lokifire’s humble opinion, which we all know isn’t that humble, otherwise she wouldn’t keep telling people about it.

I want to go swimming now. Really, really bad.

I want to go swimming now. Really, really bad.

1. Takeshi Kaneshiro. He’s part Japanese, part Taiwanese, and all male model turned actor. I love male models turned actors. Why? Because they are the prettiest actors of all.

2. Cillian Murphy. Cillian’s cheekbones could cut glass, and if there’s one thing we look for in men, it’s glass-cutting ability. Also, this guy can actually, you know, act, so he’s got a leg up on some of the other gents in this list, without getting too yaoi on everyone.

Coherent thought processes ... failing .... "Mrow" is all that's left.

Coherent thought processes ... failing .... "Mrow" is all that's left.

3. Hugh Laurie. Mr. Laurie is funny, British, tall and funny. Also, he’s one of those guys who got handsomer as he aged, which is great!

4. Jeffrey Donovan. He plays a spy on TV, and also, he is hot.

5. Tak Sakaguchi. Another actor from across the seas, who is also a stuntman, who is also one of the prettiest men I have ever seen. I have nothing but respect for Sakaguchi-sama. Except lust. I also have that.

6. Zac Efron. I know you think I’m edging into pedophilia here, and perhaps I am, but I’m pretty sure he’s at least 18, and also, he has some of the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. And such floppy hair! I just want to! Tousle! It!

7. Kenichi Matsuyama. Look! Another model turned actor! Also, he played L, who is my favorite detective ever, except for Sherlock Holmes, and we already discussed that.

Because I couldn't squeeze him in between Mssr. Kaneshiro and Laurie, here is Cillian Murphy and those cheekbones he should register as weapons.

Because I couldn't squeeze him in between Mssr. Kaneshiro and Laurie, here is Cillian Murphy and those cheekbones he should register as weapons.

8. Kyle Secor. One of my most enduring crushes. From that first moment I saw Homocide: Life on the Streets and they hadn’t made his character a murderous bisexual yet to when he showed up on Veronica Mars, I never stopped loving him. Unlike the people who ran his various fan sites, as they are all apparently defunct, and that makes me cry for the fate of all Kyle Secor lovers out there (and I don’t mean, you know, lovers lovers, or Lokifire would be the happiest girl on the planet).

9. Alessandro Juliani. One of the happiest days of my life was the day I discovered that my favorite character from Battlestar Galactica, Felix Gaeta, would also be voicing L in the Death Note anime dubs. Also, you should hear him sing, because he has a voice that, to get all over the top on y’all, could make angels cry. Or girls named Angel. Or something.

10. Chuck. OK, the actor is Zachary Levi, but he always seems to have this scraggly beard when he’s not filming the show.

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