Mr. Holmes: A review, belatedly
Mr. Holmes finally showed up in my town this weekend, and I was so excited! So I dragged my daughter to the movie (it was PG, after all), and we got some popcorn, watched some terrible, terrible trailers, and then we watched the movie.
As to be expected, Ian McKellen was brilliant.
“Elementary, my dear Lokifire.”
The little boy playing Roger was brilliant.
And so adorable, I just wanted to mommy-pinch the HELL out of his round widdle cheeks.
The movie was … sad.
I mean, for one thing, Ian McKellen doesn’t defeat anyone at fisticuffs!
I went in expecting it to be a film based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s writings (of which there were, indeed, a few about Holmes as an elderly man), but it turned out the movie was based on a novel by some other guy, which is what happens when your popular character hits the public domain, I guess.
“Huzzah! Now any old hack can write about me!”
Anyway, it’s a story about Holmes trying to remember his last case (which ended in failure), dealing with his memory loss and learning to love. So it’s not really about Sherlock Holmes at all. It’s about some old guy who used to be a detective, and now he raises bees and he thinks this kid is awesome.
“Hey, kid, I think you’re awesome. Let’s always be friends.”
But Ian McKellen was brilliant.
He even sold the bit where he’s sad because this lady kills herself and her awesome hat, like, *pfft*, Holmes would care about anyone’s death, whatever.
The movie I’m STILL not seeing this weekend
Last weekend, Mr. Holmes opened.
But not here. Not in my town.
So I gave it another week, just in case.
AND IT’S STILL NOT HERE!
What kind of cruel and unloving god won’t let me go see Sir Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes????
The Hobbit is making me so confused
So I guess I’d kind of forgotten the second Hobbit movie already came out, and that the new one was the third one, because … well, why are there three Hobbit movies anyway? I mean, I love Martin Freeman almost as much as anybody, and I definitely love Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice (and face, and fashion sense) more than is healthy, but I wouldn’t have minded them only being in one Hobbit flick. That would be A-OK with me.
Because I live in the 1950s.
Anyway, I’d blocked the previous Hobbit movie completely out of my memory because of trauma or boredom or something, so I thought this one was the second one and not the third one, but it turns out it’s the third one and not the second one. That’s really all I have to say about that, except I read this strange review where the writer claimed people were complaining about Peter Jackson cutting storylines and characters, and I was like, “Wait, aren’t people complaining because he’s adding storylines and characters, thus making what should only rightfully be one movie into three movies?”
Oh, God, I forgot Ian McKellan is in these. Also, how to spell McKellen.
Right. So, there’s a third Hobbit movie. I didn’t see the first two, either. I guess I should get out more. Do you guys have any good recommendations? And don’t say A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night, because my stupid town isn’t going to get it, because my stupid town hates black and white films written in Farsi about vampires.
My stupid town should care more about what I want.
Extant is pretty all right, yeah?
Seriously, the longer I continue this blog, the harder it is to write good post titles, I swear.
Extant: A decent show, but could get bad pretty quick?
Anyway, I missed the pilot of Extant, which would have told me that Halle Berry is an astronaut and managed to get pregnant on a solo mission to outer space. Also, I will assume that you’re all bright enough to know that Extant means “to exist.”
Ha, I’m just kidding. Obviously, I didn’t assume that, since I went and defined it, like, immediately.
So, episode 2 of Extant was “Extinct,” because CBS hates when I don’t mix up words all the time. Halle Berry plays an astronaut who got pregnant on a solo mission in outer space (see, I phrased it a bit differently this time, like when a news article says the bullets missed them by only inches and then two paragraphs later says they were missed by the bullets by mere inches, local newspaper). Also, Halle Berry looks AMAZING, like, girlfriend is pushing 50, but looks more like early 30s.
Insert Dorian Gray joke here.
She’s married to Goran Visnjic, whose name I can pronounce but not spell —
“Well, I find THAT hard to believe.” — Ian McKellan McKellen
— and they have a creepy android son, who I assume was actually built for the part, because that little boy is absolutely terrifyingly android-y.
“Bleep Bloop Blorp.”
Also, Camryn Manheim is in it, which is nice, and so is that guy who always plays a corrupt official and also the revenge sensei from Revenge.
This time, he seems less about revenge and more about some sort of evil plot. Which, I guess, could be for revenge, but probably actually aliens instead.
Then there’s another astronaut who went into space and didn’t come back pregnant, because he’s a guy, and this show isn’t that science fiction-y, but there’s a truly creepy bit where he’s being followed around on the spaceship or space station or the Good Ship Bebop or whatever by his dead mother. She doesn’t do anything except say “Mother? No,” in this utterly affectless voice, and reach out to try to touch him, and it’s really quite terrifying.
But then he airlocks her like she’s yesterday’s Cylon model, so it’s okay.
“I’d have done it sooner, but he shows promise.” — President Roslin
Oh, also, he apparently faked his death and is possibly crazy now.
Except the corrupt official and the revenge sensei meet regarding the two astronauts and have a very cryptic meeting wherein the corrupt official says, “They’re coming,” and revenge sensei replies: “They’re already here.”
Spooooooky!
But seriously, folks, Extant had me intrigued almost the whole time, and was hardly ever ridiculously bad or boringly bad, and honestly, I’m not sure I couldn’t watch a show where Goran Visnjic is just so smiley and cute, dammit.
“You actually have been spelling my name right. Ian McKellen is ashamed of you.” — Goran Visnjic
Um, squeeee very much, thank you!
Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes!
Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes!
Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes!
I’m so excited, I managed to spell “McKellen” right for once!
Mutants and time travel and young Magneto, oh my!
Wow.
So I guess I didn’t realize it was already opening weekend for X-Men: Days of Future Past, because didn’t Godzilla just open last weekend? That seems like a lot of geek properties all at once, like, jeez, maybe space it out so we can save up our movie-going money, ’cause movies are expensive.
Ha, and they’re standing in the shape of an X because people who design movie posters are all like: “Subtlety? I eat subtlety for breakfast.”
Anyway, it already is opening weekend, because if you’re going to spend a holiday weekend with your family, you might as well spend it at the movies, where you don’t have to talk with them.
“Sooo … you guys hate being around me as much as I hate being around you? That’s good to know.”
Especially because holy cats look at all the mutants and Wolverine is time-traveling for some reason (truth-telling time here: I love comic books, but I’ve never been big on the superhero ones, so I didn’t even know it was supposed to be Kitty Pryde doing the time-traveling until I read complaints on other blogs) and Michael Fassbender is saying things and so is Ian McKellen, and also Patrick Stewart and the guy who plays young Patrick Stewart is there and — oooh, is that Blink? It is! It is Blink! — and Sentinels blowing shit up but good!
I do know enough about superhero comics to know that Blink’s like a lady Nightcrawler.
Anyway, don’t bother me this weekend, I’ve got some immense geeking out to do.
Also some deep, girlish sighing.
Fables fantasy casting
So recently, I saw that Disney was going to cast Amanda Seyfried as Cinderella, and I was like, “That’s perfect! She’d be great as the princess turned ass-kicking spy for the fables!” And then I realized it was for a Disney movie and not a Fables movie, and that’s when I remembered again how much I hate Disney.
So, to cheer myself up, I am making a list of my dream cast for a Fables movie, or TV show, or play, whatever.
(For those of you who don’t know what Fables is, please check out the excellent comic book by Bill Willingham stat, it is so good, I mean it.)
1. Getting it out of the way: Amanda Seyfried as Cinderella. I think this role perfectly encapsulates my dream of Amanda Seyfried roles. It’s got the princess thing that Hollywood insists on putting her into, and it’s got the ass-kickery that I want for her.
Plus, wouldn't Ms. Seyfried look just delicious in that dress?
2. Ron Perlman as Beast. OK, for one, the guy’s already played Beauty’s Beast, so there’s that. For another, I was thinking of casting him as Bigby, but then I thought he just didn’t quite fit my image of Bigby, and then I thought, “duh, Beast!” So there you go.
Plus, I swear Mike Mignola wrote Hellboy daydreaming about Ron Perlman.
3. Grace Park as Snow White. She’s so pretty, and she kicks ass 12 ways from Sunday. (I don’t know if that’s a saying, but I’m going to pretend it is.)
Here you go, fanboys.
4. Cillian Murphy as Prince Charming. Mostly for the cheekbones, but also for those insanely blue eyes.
Besides, he kind of seems like royalty already.
5. Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Bigby Wolf. He’s grizzled yet sexy, and I think he and Grace Park would make a really cute couple.
Also, he would make a cute couple with me. We'd be adorable. So cute.
6. Zac Efron as Pinnochio. Mostly because he’s really short, but also because I think this boy potentially has some acting chops now that he’s breaking away from Disney. I could be wrong, though, or distracted by his blue, blue eyes. (I guess I have a weakness for blue eyes.)
Also, since I have a hard time believing they make boys that pretty, I could get behind the idea that he is carved from a block of magical wood.
7. Tricia Helfer as Briar Rose/Sleeping Beauty. Unfortunately, Sleeping Beauty doesn’t get to kick much ass, but she does get to sleep a lot, and I think Tricia Helfer deserves a break because she guest stars in everything. Mostly, though, it’s because she is just so gorgeous.
Yup. Gorgeous.
8. Takeshi Kaneshiro as Mowgli. I know he’s the wrong race, but it just doesn’t seem right to me to have a dream cast and not include Takeshi Kaneshiro as the guy who’s shirtless a lot.
Because he's made of perfect.
9. Ian McKellen as Gepetto. I just think Ian McKellan is awesome, and I think he could handle both aspects of Gepetto’s personality: the kindly old father figure and the SPOILER ALERT. (I’m actually not even going to spoil this, because you should really read the books. Although, I guess by implying it’s something cool, I am kind of spoiling it, but not totally.)
Why, I'm just a harmless little HUMAN-KILLING MUTANT, SUCKERS!
10. Maggie Smith as Frau Totenkinder. I love Maggie Smith. There’s something so inherently bitchy about her characters. I think she could make the switch to witch easily. (Yeah, I rhymed that on purpose. Yeah, I hate myself a little.)
Conveniently enough, here she is in a witch's hat.
Hollywood Hates Me 