Joe Camel vs. The Marlboro Man

January 25, 2010 at 6:23 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (Joe Camel, Monkeys will kill us all, The Marlboro Man)

It’s a battle of cancer-stick-smoking icons!

Why is Joe Camel so ripped? Do camels even have arms? I hate you so much, advertising companies.

Marlboro: 'Cause there's nothing safer than smoking while roping cattle. Nothing.

Technically, the Marlboro Man was more like a model than a character, but he kind of embodied this whole cigarette-smokin’ spirit of the west thing, and, whatever, you know? It sounded funny in my head.

On to the action! (Note: Actually, words rather than actions follow.)

Physicality. Joe Camel was a cartoon camel who smoked cigarettes. The Marlboro Man, as previously asserted, was a model. You know what models’ jobs are? To look good. That’s what models’ jobs are. (Unless, I suppose, they are the models who are in the “before” pictures, but that’s a whole ‘nother thing here.) Plus, he had this whole rugged cowboy thing going on, and the chicks are mightily into that, or so I’m told by my cowboy-loving friends. Winner? The Marlboro Man.

Ha, ha, I'm using a crotch shot to illustrate my point.

More likely to make your kids believe smoking is cool? That depends on what kind of kids you raised. Do your children listen to talking cartoon camels who are supposed to be cool? Then your children are assholes. Gods! Who listens to talking camels? I blame you, parents, for your children’s failings. You suck. On the other hand, every kid wants to grow up to be a cowboy! With cancer! Winner? The Marlboro Man.

Probably had dirty sex scenes embedded into his/its flesh? Can you really call a camel a “him”? I mean, it doesn’t feel right. Sure, there’s male camels and there’s female camels, but they all seem rather “it”-ish to me. Anyway, we can’t know for sure what kind of tattoos The Marlboro Man had (or maybe we could, if we weren’t too lazy to do any research, but I think we all know that sooooooo lazy), but we do know that there was a big hullabaloo (is that how you spell that word? Wait, no, here’s a better question: is that word much, much too lame to use?) about the dirty stuff that had been drawn into the Camel on the Camel cigarette packages. That camel was Joe Camel. Winner? Joe Camel.

It's kind of hard to see them, though.

Snappier dresser? You know, I’m really sounding old today, what with the whole “hullabaloo” and “snappy dresser” thing. What’s the lingo that today’s hip young cigarette smokers are using? Anyone? Moving right along, where you stand on the whole “snappy dresser” issue depends on whether your preferences run toward cowboy chic or “camels dressed in the current fashions.” Whatever. I can’t in good conscience give this category to a cartoon camel. Winner? The Marlboro Man.

Didn’t die of cancer? Joe Camel was a cartoon camel, and is thus immune to nature’s laws. In fact, to this day, Joe Camel resides in the cartoon countryside, smokin’ cartoon cigarettes and doin’ cartoon lady camels and drivin’ cartoon Ferraris. Life is just one big cartoon for you, isn’t it, Joe Camel? On the other hand, several Marlboro Men got cancer (specifically lung cancer) and died, which proves that method acting is the worst acting of all. Winner? Joe Camel.

Has a lamer anti-smoking counterpart? Joe Camel has been re-imagined (like Battlestar Galactica! Only lame!) as Joe Chemo, “a camel who wishes he’d never smoked cigarettes.” And seriously, if you think about, what sort of sick bastard makes a camel smoke cigarettes? I mean, they’re not like monkeys, right? Not that I think making monkeys smoke cigarettes is okay, but there’s a whole portion of society that’s into that sort of thing. And putting them in little tiny people clothing.

Prepare for the monkey uprising! (Yes, I know that's probably a chimpanzee. Go to hell.)

The Marlboro Man has no such counterpart, just a bunch of depressing ads featuring real-life dying Marlboro men advocating against cigarettes. I feel sad on the inside right now. Winner? The Marlboro Man.

Overall winner? The Marlboro Man, but it’s mostly because of my strong aversion to camels. Gods, I hate those things.

Seriously, how did God make an animal uglier than the llama?