Ralphie Parker vs. Ralph Wiggum

December 21, 2010 at 12:21 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (A Christmas Story, Darren McGavin, Ralph Wiggum, Ralphie Parker, The Simpsons)

Well, Christmas is almost here and, to celebrate, we’re having a battle of Ralphs.

One is Ralphie Parker, the hero of A Christmas Story and desirer of “an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.”

The other is Chief Wiggum’s boy.

I love that he manages to smile like that right before Santa kicks him in the face.

Ralph Wiggum, seen here in a traditional pose.

Which Ralph will come out triumphant? And what does this have to do with Christmas? Find out now!

Phsyicality. Ralphie Parker is a blonde, glasses-wearing, blue-eyed cutie-pie.

Especially when you put him in pink bunny pajamas.

Ralph Wiggum is yellow, four-fingered and appears to be balding at the age of 8.

Also, he usually has something stuck in his nose.

Winner? Ralphie.

Shows more taste in his unrequited crushes? Viewers of A Christmas Story will say, “What unrequited crush?” to which I say, “Exactly.” Ralph Wiggum, on the other hand, has loved Lisa Simpson from afar (and a-near) for years, and who doesn’t love Lisa Simpson? Winner? Ralph Wiggum.

Besides, only the classiest of girls wear pearls every day.

More likely to shoot his eye out? Ralphie Parker, despite being warned more than once throughout the course of A Christmas Story, very nearly does shoot out his eye the very first time he uses his brand new BB gun. On the other hand, Ralph Wiggum. Winner? A tie in uncoordination and lack of firearm safety.

Who let Ralph have a gun?

Ralphie, no! You'll shoot your eye out! For reals this time!

Makes you think of Christmas? Ralphie Parker stars in that holiday classic, A Christmas Story, which even has the word “Christmas” in the title. (Also the words “A” and “Story,” but those are less important right now.) When you think of Christmas, it’s hard not to think of Ralphie Parker. And vice versa, I guess. Ralph Wiggum is a tertiary character on the Simpsons, which has had a lot of Christmas episodes. While not as awesome as their Halloween, episodes, they’re still pretty damn good. Winner? I’m sorry, but Ralphie takes this one.

Man, now I really want to watch The Shinning.

Has more interesting friends? Ralphie’s best friends are Flick, the kid who stuck his tongue to a flagpole after being triple-dog-dared, and Schwartz, the kid who triple-dog-dared him. I’m not sure that Ralph Wiggum has any friends that aren’t make-believe. I mean, that’s interesting, but more in a “poor Ralph Wiggum” way. Winner? Ralphie Parker.

It's very disillusioning to me to know that Flick went on to star in loads of "adult films."

Faces indignity after indignity? Ralpie, in the course of A Christmas Story, gets a low grade on his theme paper, learns that his Little Orphan Annie decoder is actually an advertising tool, gets soap put in his mouth and faces the school bully. That’s a lot of indignities for one 9-year-old to bear. On the other hand, Ralph Wiggum. Winner? Ralph Wiggum.

Has a cooler dad? Ralph Wiggum’s dad is Police Chief Wiggum. It’s pretty cool to have a police chief for a dad, even if he is slightly corrupt and mostly stupid.

Also incompetent.

But Ralphie Parker’s dad is Darren McGavin. That’s right. The Night Stalker. Winner? Ralphie Parker.

Sure, it would be cooler to be Batman's kid, but you've got to take what you can get.

Overall winner? Ralphie Parker, because Christmas comes once a year for us all.

God bless us all, every one.