A love letter to Chess

February 1, 2011 at 3:55 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (James Frain, The Cape, TV that annoys)

Dear Chess, also known as Peter Fleming, also known as the best character on The Cape, the show I am only watching because he is on it,

I love you.

Still hate those ridiculous contact lenses, though.

Why do I love you? Because you are the best character on The Cape, even better than Rollo the dwarf strongman and Lollipop the dead raccoon. (No! Lollipop! WHHHYYYY? Couldn’t they afford the animal trainer anymore?)

I think they should write more scenes where Rollo hurts The Cape. Those are good scenes.

You are even better than Ruvi the hypnotist, whose name I keep hearing as “Ruby,” and wondering which chick that is, and you are certainly a much better character than boring, boring Orwell and too dumb to live Vince Faraday, also known as “The Cape,” that guy we are rooting for to get thrown off a building, finally.

Seriously, you are the dumbest superhero ever, I swear to god I should probably stop laughing at you because you have some sort of brain injury.

Sure, Chess, you’re not the most original villain out there. I don’t blame you for that. You’re trapped in a universe of poorly-written dialogue, cliches and plotholes. That’s not your fault. You’re doing your best. And by “your best,” I mean, “redeeming this show.”

And looking hot in suits.

(Well, almost redeeming it. It’s still pretty awful, and if things don’t improve, I don’t care how much I love you, I am cutting it loose.)

But, Chess, I do love you. I want you to know that. The way you flirt with chicks who are trying to murderize you. That’s great. The way you look good in cowboy hats and hang underneath trains, cutting their brake lines (which somehow makes the train stop, don’t ask me, I don’t live in a comic book TV show).

And I don't even LIKE cowboys.

The way you’re apparently being written as having disassociative identy disorder all of a sudden. (On a related note, I wish it was still called multiple personality disorder, because that was easier to spell.)

Chess, I love you so much that I don’t even mind that you’ve taken your supervillain moniker from one of the most boring of all the board games. (Better than Battleship, I suppose.)

I suppose it goes without saying, but both are infinitely better than checkers, the boringest board game that ever bored.

If you ever want to escape the poorly written horror of an existence you’re living, call me! I could write beautiful fan fiction for you!

It'll be CLASSY fan fiction, I swear.