Why didn’t I like Once Upon a Time?

October 24, 2011 at 7:11 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , )

So I went into ABC’s Once Upon a Time with kind of mixed expectations. Like: 1) Everything I’d heard about the show made it sound like a really bad Fables ripoff, but 2) I saw some ads that made it look pretty cool.

Er, cooler than this poster, anyway.

Well, let me tell you folks: Those ads were lying. There were absolutely only three cool bits in the whole thing. 1) Robert Carlyle is Rumplestiltskin (yea!); 2) Prince Charming getting into a swordfight while holding a baby; 3) The special effects as the Queen and Snow White were swallowed up by the curse.

Everybody, look! It's ROBERT CARLYLE! Yea!!!!

So why didn’t I like Once Upon a Time?

Well, first off: Jennifer Morrison as Emma Swan, our heroine who is a badass chick who is Snow White and Prince Charming’s long-lost baby child! I had no problems with her portrayal, and I didn’t hate her on House, and I do think she’s quite pretty, but there is no way in hell I will buy that woman is 28 years old. Like, seriously, if Jennifer Morrison is actually 28, then girlfriend needs to start using sunblock and hydrating more.

Hurry, Jennifer! Find some cover and hide yourself from the cruel, cruel sun, stat!

Then: The adopted child seeks out his birth mother (Emma) because his real mother (the Evil Queen) doesn’t love him. Feh, it would’ve been a lot more interesting, in my opinion, if the Queen had gotten trapped in her own curse and actually forgot herself and ended up loving the kid.

Thank GOD she's got a better stylist in our world.

Also: Snow White going on about how all adopted children wonder “Why would someone give me up?” Speaking as an adopted child myself, the answer to that question is “Because they wanted me to have a better life than they could provide.” Seriously, guys! If your birth mother didn’t love you at all, she didn’t have to give birth. She obviously loved you enough to want you to have a chance at life, and even possibly a good one. (And none of that rant was funny, and I’m sorry, but it pisses me off how people always assume adopted children have abandonment issues! Look, people, my crippling self-esteem problems come from years of being bullied, not from having two mommies who love me!)

And speaking of Snow White: I thought Snow White was supposed to be beautiful. Ginnifer Goodwin is just cute. And with that short haircut, very big-eared and boyish. And round-faced. (I guess I don’t like round faces.)

Although if the show had done her makeup like that, I'd've gone for the whole "fairest in the land" bit.

And speaking of Snow White some more: Of course she loves birds and has one nest on her finger and volunteers in the coma ward. She’s Snow White!

Um, why is Snow White posing in a bird's nest?

Oh, yeah: And Emma has the “superpower” of knowing when people are lying to her. Whatever. Of course she uses that “superpower” to be able to tell that the Evil Queen doesn’t love l’il Henry (Emma’s birth son) after all!

By the way: Red Riding Hood tossing that red scarf over her head was painful, not cute and funny.

Not cute and funny at all.

In conclusion: The whole thing was actually very boring, except for the aforementioned sword fight, which I forgot to mention Prince Charming fought while wearing leather pants. So there’s that.

Those pants probably aren't leather, but I'm sure you can imagine them on this guy. Especially since nothing I could say could prevent you from doing so. Mrow.

Of course: There’s no way you can do “fairy tales in the real world” and escape the inevitable Fables comparisons, unless you guys haven’t gotten round to reading Fables like I keep telling you to. So, anyway, go and read Fables. Especially if you’re thinking about watching this show, because Fables is much, much better.

I'm serious, you guys, it's so good. You should read it. Really, really, you should. So! Good!



  1. Travis Bierwagen said,

    I find it funny that there was a FABLES pilot pitched for the 2010-11 television season and nobody bit. Then for the 2011-12 season we get ABC’s ONCE UPON A TIME and NBC’s GRIMM.

    It’s like they dug the concept… but didn’t want to pay to co-opt the comic book.

    • lokifire said,

      Oh, no, I’m sure it’s a complete coincidence.

  2. Jamin said,

    I’m not normally a fan of round faces either, and i normally *despise* button noses, but Ginnifer Goodwin is downright adorable in that picture. Though i suppose maybe her nose is not quite a “button nose”, so maybe that’s it.

    • lokifire said,

      I know! It’s a great photo. It’s too bad her styling isn’t anything like that in the show.

  3. Adele said,

    Your comment about Jennifer Morrison made me laugh. I thought the same when she said she is 28 O________o The actress is like 40, isn´t she? She could be easily playing a 35 years old but a twenty something just makes me lol.

    • lokifire said,

      She’s actually only 32, according to IMDb.
      Girlfriend looks haggard.

  4. Dreamer_22 said,

    I like once upon a time! Its not the best t.v. show out there but its good.
    Its better than the reality t.v. shows out there. (And whats wrong with people with round face?) I think that snow white is beautiful, not in the Media type of view but in a very pretty normal looking girl!!!!
    But yea… people learn what real beauty is not anorexia.

    • lokifire said,

      Hey, I said she was cute. She’s just not the fairest in the land.

    • wahoowa said,

      I totally agree! You don’t have to have the stereotypical oval face in order to be beautiful. I think she is a good example of a healthy beautiful woman.

  5. Felicity said,

    Robert Carlyle…oh yum

  6. Nocturnal said,

    Well, I have a round-face, and am insecure about it, so that little comment about round faces is pretty offensive. There are many good ways of expressing your opinion without the use of offensive content. But I do agree on Snow’s hairstyle… 😡

  7. archeyangel said,

    Isn’t it funny to find out that Regina actually DID love Henry, eh? And not even from the curse.

    • lokifire said,

      Did she? That’s good! I gave up after a couple episodes, but I’m glad his real mom loved him. Just pisses me off when stupid TV is always like “Oh, the adoptive parent can never love the child as much as the birth parent.” Bull. Pookie.

  8. Hannah said,

    I mostly hated the show because Emma would’ve had no legal right to even speak to Henry as his mother because it was a CLOSED adoption and her pretending to have a claim to being Henry’s mother is illegal and she should be in jail right now.

    • Pearl said,

      Because shows about fairy land characters have to hold up to the legal tenets of real life? LOL

      • lokifire said,

        The part set in the “real world” probably should, don’t you think?

  9. Ma said,

    I simply don’t like Emma, the character and the actress.

  10. En said,

    I’m liking it so far, I don’t like Emma, she just’s just annoying most of the time, “my son! my son!” *always so angry at regina who is actually doing a good job on being a mother, well it is faulty, the point is she won’t let anything bad happen to him* and I don’t know anything about adoption laws but yeah, something feels wrong about that. but i guess it’s because shit happened to her and she’s not a very good decision maker

  11. Lauren said,

    i really love once upon a time because for some reason it makes me happy when i watch it, but i agree with a few of your points and think your writing is funny. Thanks for the article.

    • lokifire said,

      I’m glad you can enjoy both things! Thanks for your comment.

  12. wahoowa said,

    You seem kind of rude

    • lokifire said,

      Oh yeah? If I was so rude, would I do this?
      (Now imagine me making a rude gesture.)
      Gosh! I guess you’re right!

      • Katya said,

        You may be rude, but also hilarious:D
        P.S. please don’t make the most stereotypical thing by answering rude:) i am expecting it

      • lokifire said,

        Pshaw! Why would I answer rudely to someone who both complimented AND insulted me? That’s silly. You’re lovely.

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