Why didn’t I like Once Upon a Time?

October 24, 2011 at 7:11 pm (Randomosity) (Fables, Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Morrison, Once Upon a Time, Robert Carlyle, TV that annoys)

So I went into ABC’s Once Upon a Time with kind of mixed expectations. Like: 1) Everything I’d heard about the show made it sound like a really bad Fables ripoff, but 2) I saw some ads that made it look pretty cool.

Er, cooler than this poster, anyway.

Well, let me tell you folks: Those ads were lying. There were absolutely only three cool bits in the whole thing. 1) Robert Carlyle is Rumplestiltskin (yea!); 2) Prince Charming getting into a swordfight while holding a baby; 3) The special effects as the Queen and Snow White were swallowed up by the curse.

Everybody, look! It's ROBERT CARLYLE! Yea!!!!

So why didn’t I like Once Upon a Time?

Well, first off: Jennifer Morrison as Emma Swan, our heroine who is a badass chick who is Snow White and Prince Charming’s long-lost baby child! I had no problems with her portrayal, and I didn’t hate her on House, and I do think she’s quite pretty, but there is no way in hell I will buy that woman is 28 years old. Like, seriously, if Jennifer Morrison is actually 28, then girlfriend needs to start using sunblock and hydrating more.

Hurry, Jennifer! Find some cover and hide yourself from the cruel, cruel sun, stat!

Then: The adopted child seeks out his birth mother (Emma) because his real mother (the Evil Queen) doesn’t love him. Feh, it would’ve been a lot more interesting, in my opinion, if the Queen had gotten trapped in her own curse and actually forgot herself and ended up loving the kid.

Thank GOD she's got a better stylist in our world.

Also: Snow White going on about how all adopted children wonder “Why would someone give me up?” Speaking as an adopted child myself, the answer to that question is “Because they wanted me to have a better life than they could provide.” Seriously, guys! If your birth mother didn’t love you at all, she didn’t have to give birth. She obviously loved you enough to want you to have a chance at life, and even possibly a good one. (And none of that rant was funny, and I’m sorry, but it pisses me off how people always assume adopted children have abandonment issues! Look, people, my crippling self-esteem problems come from years of being bullied, not from having two mommies who love me!)

And speaking of Snow White: I thought Snow White was supposed to be beautiful. Ginnifer Goodwin is just cute. And with that short haircut, very big-eared and boyish. And round-faced. (I guess I don’t like round faces.)

Although if the show had done her makeup like that, I'd've gone for the whole "fairest in the land" bit.

And speaking of Snow White some more: Of course she loves birds and has one nest on her finger and volunteers in the coma ward. She’s Snow White!

Um, why is Snow White posing in a bird's nest?

Oh, yeah: And Emma has the “superpower” of knowing when people are lying to her. Whatever. Of course she uses that “superpower” to be able to tell that the Evil Queen doesn’t love l’il Henry (Emma’s birth son) after all!

By the way: Red Riding Hood tossing that red scarf over her head was painful, not cute and funny.

Not cute and funny at all.

In conclusion: The whole thing was actually very boring, except for the aforementioned sword fight, which I forgot to mention Prince Charming fought while wearing leather pants. So there’s that.

Those pants probably aren't leather, but I'm sure you can imagine them on this guy. Especially since nothing I could say could prevent you from doing so. Mrow.

Of course: There’s no way you can do “fairy tales in the real world” and escape the inevitable Fables comparisons, unless you guys haven’t gotten round to reading Fables like I keep telling you to. So, anyway, go and read Fables. Especially if you’re thinking about watching this show, because Fables is much, much better.

I'm serious, you guys, it's so good. You should read it. Really, really, you should. So! Good!