Childbirth, I swear

May 30, 2012 at 4:43 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So, the apprentice and I are talking about the upcoming bikini season, and I mentioned that I have a tankini for days when I look at my body and go “omigod, I’ve had a kid, I’m so saggy, yuck.”

If you’re wondering, no, my boobs were never that big, not even when I was pregnant.

“Oh, that won’t happen to me,” she says.

“You don’t know what your body will do when you’re pregnant,” I say.

It’s not all ice cream and posing for generic pregnancy photos, you know.

“No, I won’t get saggy skin.”

“You don’t know that, though.”

“Well, my mom has a bunch of kids and she doesn’t have any stretch marks or anything.”

“Well, yes, but wasn’t your mother much younger than you when she had her kids?”

See, what I’m implying here is that you’re very, very old, because I’m really sick of your “my skin is way more awesome than yours” stance now.

“Yeah, but I lotion my skin every day.”

“That’s nice, but still, if you lose, like, 60 pounds in two months, you’ll still have saggy skin.”

“I lost 30 pounds in a month.”

“I don’t believe you, and also, was 25 pounds of that in one hellish stretch of childbirth?” (Note: portions of this sentence, up to, and including, all of it, may have been spoken only in my mind.)

“Well, good luck,” is what I actually said.