American Ninja Warrior something something headlines are hard
So, ever since the Writer’s Strike ended, there’s been an American Gladiators-shaped hole in my life.
*Sniff*
I miss you so much, Hellga and Crush and … the rest of you. … Hercules, maybe?
I mean, everybody was complaining about the Writer’s Strike. “Oh, boo hoo hoo,” they said. “Whatever will happen to our favorite scripted dramas?” they said. “But they’re bringing back American Gladiators!” I said. “So what?” they said. “American Gladiators!” I reiterated, because that was answer enough.
I loved American Gladiators, what with all the ridiculous challenges and the costumes and the superhero-esque names and the way my favorite living pro wrestler was a host!
If he died recently, please don’t tell me. I’m happier this way.
And then: it was gone.
Sure, I managed to get along, but I always felt like something was missing.
(No, Mom, I’m pretty sure it’s not a husband.)
And then: American Ninja Warrior.
Pictured here: Way more ninja than are actually in the program.
My parents saw commercials for it. “You like those,” they said to me.
“Meh,” I said. “Seeing the word ‘American’ before ‘Ninja’ leads me to believe they’ll screw it up somehow.”
Not to mention, after I saw a commercial for American Ninja Warrior, I was all like: “Where’s the warriors? Where’s the ninjary? This is just an obstacle course.”
But, barring anything better to do (hey, I’d already done the yard work, made dinner and baked some truffles. Would do you expect me to do, write a Pulitzer-prize winning novel or something?), I sat down to watch it.
And I fell. Hard.
First off, it’s an obstacle course, sure, but it’s an obstacle course for Parkour experts (“What is Parkour?” said my mom. “It’s like being Spiderman, except without the superpowers,” I told her), all of whom had to submit videos of themselves Parkouring along all awesome-like to be considered for the competition. (As a matter of fact, there was one video of a volunteer firefighter jumping over stuff while wearing a suit that leads me to believe he’d be perfect for the new screenplay I’m writing about a guy who wears a suit and jumps over stuff.) (Oh, and a thing that does annoy me about the show is that it’s really set up for guys, even though they allow women competitors. There was this one awesome lady whose audition video showed her balancing on her elbow and doing, like, midair calisthenics, and she didn’t even clear the second obstacle because of her wee little womanly arms, like it’s a requirement you have to be at least six feet tall to play this game.)
PLUS! Plus so hard, you guys! It had! Evan! “The Rocket!” Dollard!, winner of American Gladiators!
There’s tons of pictures of him looking all ripped and stuff, but this one was so contemplative, I had to use it.
And these guys were trying so hard to defeat this crazy obstacle course and it was all like triumph of the spirit and Go America! and whoooooo!
Yeah, wait’ll you see how patriotic I get when the Olympics start airing.
So I guess what I’m saying is thank God for summer television programming. Thank God for American Ninja Warrior.
Um, guys? I don’t think that’s a real ninja.
We could totally, like, talk about clothes and stuff
So, I know I’m always going on about pretty men, but there’s a whole plethora of awesome television ladies that I consider my best television girlfriends FOREVAH!
Why? Well, because I don’t particularly have any real friends, that’s why.
Anyway, here’s a list. (*sob*)
1. Sarah from Chuck. She’s so pretty. She kicks so much ass. She makes me want to join the CIA and save the world too. Also, she gets to hang out with Chuck and Casey, which would be fun. Not that I’m considering just spending time with her to get their numbers or something.
Awesome hair is also a quality I look for in a best TV friend and you, Sarah, have got it in spades.
2. Tricia Helfer from anything she’s been in. (Except Two and a Half Men, because does she really need the paycheck that badly?!) From her awe-inspiring turn as Six on Battlestar Galactica to her guest spot on Burn Notice to that one episode of Chuck she was on, Tricia Helfer is gorgeous, ass-kicking and seems like she would be really fun to take out for margaritas. Please hang out with me, Tricia Helfer! We could be such great friends!
This was the LEAST SEXY photo of Tricia Helfer I could find, and it's still pretty damn sexy.
3. Jillian from The Biggest Loser. I’m not a big reality TV show fan, but my mother always sucks me into the Loser drama. Also, Jillian is soooo cool, the way she’s mean to all those fatties! Beat me like you beat the fatties, Jillian! I deserve it!
My, Jillian, what giant biceps you have. Seriously. They're huge. I love you.
4. Parker from Leverage. Parker is a pretty blonde thief who is crazy. I would totally pull off a daring daylight heist with her (yes, I am totally all about daring daylight heists at this juncture in time). If she thinks I’d screw it up for her, I would be willing to treat her to some ice cream instead. Call me, Parker!
Parker! You! Are! Just! So! Cute! Ice cream? My treat?
5. Scully from the X-Files. Petite, redheaded, brave, smart, gorgeous. I had a girl-crush on Scully before the word girl-crush existed. I’m too cowardly to fight monsters, but I would be totally willing to listen to her phone calls bitching about that damn Fox Mulder dragging her into another mess.
Dana Scully, launcher of a thousand internet fan fics.
6. Chloe from Smallville. Smallville is a mess. A real tragedy of a show. Not because it’s meant to be a tragedy, but because it could be so much more. That said, there’s one thing worth watching it for, and that’s Chloe Sullivan, who recently gave up on journalism because the Smallvile writers hate her. You can do better, Allison Mack! I love you!
I mean, I know Superman's your best friend and all, but he's still really hung up on that horrid Lana Lang, and I think we really connect, you know?
7. Crush from American Gladiators. She has the. Coolest. Hair. Love the corset-style costume! Also, she’s called Crush because she can crush you like the grape you are. Squish! That’s you! Squish! Not me, though, ’cause we’re friends.
Like grapes, bitches.
8. Lisa Cuddy from House. Oh, Cuddy. You put up with House’s shenanigans like such a trooper! Also, you have a great body and you’re beautiful. Can you give me beauty tips? We could talk about Hugh Laurie together. It would be awesome.
Look, technically, I know you're wayyyy too cool to hang with me, but you seem like the sort who's willing to settle. Friends?
9. “Hot Lips” Houlihan. Squee! That’s what I said when my girl Margaret and Hawkeye Pierce kissed for, like, 10 minutes in the last episode of M*A*S*H. It was the culmination of many childhood dreams for me. Margaret, call me. We’ll go out for some beers.
Yes! I will tell you funny jokes that make you laugh that hard, Margaret!
10. Veronica Mars from Veronica Mars. A scrappy little blonde detective who solved her best friend’s murder, all while being socially isolated at school. The episode where she stood up for a bullied girl by snarking at her own bullies made me realize: the writers of this episode either know the coolest teenagers ever or they totally don’t know any teenagers at all. In any case, I was smitten. Too bad she’s already got the best BFF already: Wallace. That’s okay, though. I am willing to take sloppy best friend seconds.
I would never come between you guys.
Hollywood Hates Me 