Days of Future Past doesn’t even make sense, title-wise
I finally saw the new X-Men movie. I know you’re all deeply happy for me, and want to hear all about it. But what can I say that hasn’t been said by reviewers who saw it much, much earlier than I did?
Well, plenty, actually! Here’s some random observations about Days of Future Past.
First off, remember when I saw X-Men: First Class, and I just couldn’t wait to find out what happened to all the cool mutants? Well, it turns out they died offscreen, especially Banshee, because no one wants me or Caleb Landry Jones to be happy.
Except maybe his stylist.
Kitty Pryde’s ability to send people’s consciousness (es?) back to the past is never explained, but it’s probably okay because poor old Shadowcat has some difficulty understanding how time works because she talks about Wolverine’s consciousness flipping back and forth between the “past and the future,” because she clearly forgot she already lives in the future, thus making it the present.
“Man, I can’t even tell if this is the future or not anymore.”
Speaking of Kitty Pryde, I can now understand all the complaints about not having her go back in time like in the original comic that I never read, because holy crap the past is a total sausage fest. (Related story: When I made the mistake of describing the movie in those terms to my mother, she was horrified: “Is that appropriate for your daughter?” “Well, I’d agree that women definitely deserve more representation in the film industry and … oh, you thought it was some sort of porn thing, didn’t you?”) The only lady mutant in the past is Mystique, and all the boys love her, even Magneto, who’s also trying to murder her. Also, I’m not sure she even counts as a lady, because she spends about half the movie disguised as various men.
Man, just look at all that sausage!
Thanks to Wolverine’s trip back to the ’70s, we now know he travels commando. Also, that a naked ass shot must be included in Hugh Jackman’s contract, because his ass is a thing of magnificent beauty that should be shown to all. (Related story: As my daughter and I were discussing Hugh Jackman’s fine, naked ass, we were coming up with synonyms for the word “butt,” including “gluteus maximus,” which led to me saying “And his gluteus certainly is maximus,” which led to my daughter saying she wants to live with her father now because please stop talking mommy.)
“Imma have to hurt you now. I’m sorry, but the chafing makes me so angry.”
I was actually surprised when Storm died, even though everybody said that Storm died, I just wasn’t expecting it right then, but as she fell to her doom, I had to wonder: Who wears spike heels in a dystopian future?
I’d tell her to run, but she wouldn’t get very far in those heels, anyway.
My daughter and I agreed that Blink was the best mutant in the future, and also that Fan Bingbing is very pretty.
Gosh, just so pretty.
Quicksilver was the best mutant in the past, even if he didn’t realize he was jailbreaking his own dad, and where was his twin sister The Scarlet Witch? The only reference to his parentage was an oblique reference to his mother having known a guy who could manipulate metal back in the day.
You know, the special effects were good, but maybe they could’ve done a little more work on his ridiculous hair?
Peter Dinklage has a beautiful, beautiful voice, and I think someone should make a movie with him and Caleb Landry Jones just talking and being awesome, and maybe throw some ladies in there, all right, Hollywood?
Besides, ladies appreciate a well-dressed man like Mssr. Dinklage here.
So there you go. It was a decent movie, and if I think about it too hard, I’ll probably find many, many things wrong with it other than SERIOUSLY CAST SOME WOMEN DAMMIT, but it was perfectly serviceable, and at least Young Magneto did stuff.
Like wearing this fabulous hat.
Hollywood Hates Me 