First off: Was anybody actually nostalgic for Mr. Peabody, the talking dog who travels through time and has adopted a human boy for some reason?
Secondly: Knowing there is a sequel to 300 makes me super irritated because jackasses who don’t know anything about comic books like to tell me 300 was based on historical events, and that I’m stupid for saying it’s based on a comic book.
This story is the girl in your algebra class who had the most beautiful hair and perfect teeth. You wanted to hate her, but mostly, you wanted to be her.
But you can’t, because your hair will never be that perfect and your teeth will never be that white or that straight, and you will never, ever write a sentence as beautiful as this:
I’d trust in your teeth and talons to keep you/me/us safe now and forever from the scratch of chalk on pool cues, and the scuff of the nurses’ shoes in the hospital corridor, and the stuttering of my broken heart.
Just I hate snow.
I hate snow so much.
I hate snow, and I hate shoveling and I hate pushing my car out of snowdrifts.
UGH WHY DID VALENTINE’S DAY HAVE TO FALL ON A FRIDAY?
Now Hollywood has an excuse to put out a bunch of terrible romantic movies that will probably do well because people will feel compelled to go to “date movies” thanks to this monstrosity of a holiday.
Of course, Endless Love is just Nicholas Sparks-lite, starring Alex Pettyfer (whose career choices are really disappointing me, because he is really handsome, and I would very much like to watch him in a movie), so we won’t waste any more time on that.
And then there’s Winter’s Tale, which is apparently based on a 1983 novel I’d never heard of before this week, and features time travel (maybe?), a ridiculous flying horse (absolutely), and Colin Farrell’s caterpillar eyebrows (definitely). It looks silly and bad, and also there’s the line where he tells his romantic interest “you’re beautiful,” and she replies “so are you,” because DOES SHE NOT SEE THE EYEBROWS?
So, anyway, Valentine’s Day is a true horror, and all these movies look also.
Oh, also, the Robocop remake is out. Huh.
The Olympics are happening right now. You probably already knew. Anyway, this year, they are really making me cry. Here’s a list of the ways in which they are doing so.
1. Those damn McDonald’s commercials where they show people getting medals. I hate McDonald’s, but watching Olympics, Special Olympics and Paralympics athletes get medals is so goddamned moving.
2. Canadian mogul skier Alex Bilodeau’s brother Frederic. Frederic was born with cerebral palsy, and Alex Bilodeau is a gold medal-winning athlete, so of course they interviewed him. I held it together pretty well until Alex spoke of his brother saying: “Do you think I would be an athlete if I wasn’t disabled?”
3. The “Thanks Mom” commercials. I’m a mother, and I am amazed at the parents who have the wherewithal to raise an Olympic athlete. Luckily, my child is awesome and independent, because I could barely teach her how to use a spoon. Good work, Olympic parents!
4. Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko having to drop out of the Olympics due to his back injury. I don’t even like Evgeni Plushenko, but I bawled like a baby when he told the reporter: “I’m a normal person, like you. I’m not robot. But … I try.”
5. American skeleton competitor Noelle Pikus-Pace’s miscarriage. She teared up, then I teared up, then probably her husband cried too. So sad!
6. Shaun White taking fourth in the half-pipe. Though I’m a little peeved with him for dropping out of the Slopestyle competition at the last minute (thus taking up a perfectly good spot on the American Olympics team), my heart still broke a little when he didn’t medal in the half-pipe.
7. American figure skater Jeremy Abbott falling during his short program. He took a face dive and was clearly injured. He lay on the ice for what seemed like an eternity, then finally got up and, moved by the crowd’s cheering, finished his damn program.
8.Remembering that Mirai Nagasu won’t be competing in this year’s Olympics. American figure skater Nagasu took third place at the U.S. nationals, ostensibly qualifying for the Olympics team, only to get knocked out by fourth-place finisher Ashley Wagner. Nothing against Wagner, but man do I feel bad for poor Mirai!!
9. American skiers sweeping the medals in the Slopestyle competition. I was so relieved that they beat out that Swede with the dreadlocks and the pants that were 10 sizes too large, I wept a little. Also: Medal Sweep!
10. Bob Costas’s eye infection. Luckily, he’s taking some time off, because whenever his grody eye infection showed up on my television screen, my eyes started watering in sympathy.
One is a hideous squid-like monster.
The other is Cthulhu.
I … think I’ve used that joke before. Anyway, Dr. Zoidberg is a squid-monster from space who lives with the Planetary Express crew in Futurama.
Cthulhu is Lovecraft’s squid-like monster who devours souls or something.
Anyway, which is less horrifying?
Let the battle … begin!
Physicality. Seriously? You want me to decide which of two tentacle-faced horror beasts is more attractive? You, my friend, are one sick puppy. This category’s a wash. Winner? No one.
More popular? Nobody likes Zoidberg. Poor Zoidberg. Cthulhu, as a hideous squid monster from the depths, also doesn’t have friends. This category is also a wash. Winner? Also no one.
More likely to kill you? I think people get sacrificed to Cthulhu. I mean, I don’t know for sure, as I’ve avoided reading books about hideous tentacle monsters, but I suspect that they do. Because if sacrificing people meant keeping the hideous tentacle monster in the sea where it belongs, who wouldn’t sacrifice innocent babes to it, you know? On the other hand, Dr. Zoidberg is a terrible, terrible doctor. You know what this category is? If you answered “a wash,” you are correct, and also into the old-school lingo like me. Winner? No one, still.
Was this a terrible idea? Yes. Yes, it was.
For the tie-breaking question, to decide which of these disgusting, horrible, grotesque creatures is slightly less the things I just said: Wears clothing? Well, that’s just cheating. Dr. Zoidberg has to wear clothing, because who goes to see a naked doctor? Winner? Dr. Zoidberg, barely, because he’s slightly less creepy.
Overall winner? Dr. Zoidberg. Now please, make fictional character battle suggestions in the comments below, because I’m clearly out of ideas.
Glory be! AMC is going to develop a Preacher series!
I’m not sure how I feel about this, because ’90s me definitely wanted to marry Garth Ennis for writing this comic, but 2014 me is like, ehhhhhh….
Is it just me, or does the Lego movie look kind of cute?
I mean, it’s got all these Legos in it, including Lego Batman and Lego Old Dude With A Beard Who Might Be Gandalf Or Something, and they’re adorable!
Also, some of the jokes might be funny!
Also, the movie looks like it hasn’t made the division between boy Legos and girl Legos because WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT LEGOS ARE FOR EVERYONE.
So, is it just me or did Shaun White all of a sudden get really handsome?
Today we’ll be discussing 1953′s Istanbul (Not Constantinople), which I had always mistakenly believed was a They Might Be Giants original. So learn something new every day, I guess.
Our song begins thusly:
Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it’s Turkish delight on a moonlit night
And now that it’s stuck in your head for the next six months, let’s discuss. Despite the peppy, upbeat music, the lyrics are actually rather melancholy. “Istanbul was Constantinople. Now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople.” And Constantinople has “been a long time gone.”
What this song is doing, see, is this song is mourning the passing of Constantinople. Out with the old! In with the new! But what becomes of the old, man? What becomes of the old?
Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople
So if you’ve a date in Constantinople
She’ll be waiting in Istanbul
This stanza rightly points out that your girlfriend lives in Istanbul, not in Constantinople. Because there is no Constantinople anymore. Everything changes, man. Everything.
Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can’t say
People just liked it better that way
This line is silly, because it’s obvious they changed “New Amsterdam” to “New York” because “York” is easier to say than “Amsterdam.”
So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can’t go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That’s nobody’s business but the Turks
Here, our lyrics get even drearier: “So take me back to Constantinople. No, you can’t go back to Constantinople.” Because Constantinople is gone, man, gone. Like dust on the wind, sands in the hourglass, the days of our lives, whatever. We could ask some Turks how they feel about it, but do WE EVEN SPEAK TURKISH?
So there you go. Rather than being a silly song about Istanbul, this is actually a song mourning the passing of Constantinople.