And I know that you’re all so proud of me.
Of course, it wasn’t quite as exciting to watch as it might have been if I’d seen it back when it came out, or even back before Pete Postlethwaite (God rest your talented soul, sir!!) died, or even before I read multiple articles telling me exactly what happened. (On a related note, if you’ve been spoiled for The Sixth Sense, it turns out it’s kind of a boring movie.)
But the special effects were awesome and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, despite appearing eternally 15, actually pulls off a suit quite well.
Cillian Murphy was great and beautiful, as always, and Leonardo DiCaprio was puffy but awesome (seriously, despite him not being my type at all, I’ve admired his acting ability ever since The Basketball Diaries, so now you know that I am well and truly old), and Shadowcat had the name Ariadne for some reason (like, maybe her fictional parents were as into Greek mythology as I am?).
However, I know you didn’t come here to hear my opinions on the actor’s talents/good looks. You came here to find out the answer to the eternal question: Was it all a dream?
Yes. Yes, it was.
Hey, guys! Some movie opens this weekend and the modern Sherlock Holmes is a bad guy in it and I want to see it sooooo bad because is there anything hotter than a villainous Benedict Cumberbatch?
Seriously, though, the new Star Trek movie looks really awesome in certain spots, like the parts that have my TV boyfriend, Evil Sherlock Holmes, and also the parts that have Simon Pegg because SQUEEEE SIMON PEGG!
Wait, that wasn’t very serious at all.
The trailer, which I linked to above for your clicking pleasure, is all overwrought with oh my god what will New Captain Kirk do and his obsession will kill us all and it’s like who can get behind a guy with eyebrows like that, you know?
And then Evil Holmes swoops in all awesomely, and I totally can’t go see this movie in the theaters because I’ll be rooting for the terrorist to win, which makes me profoundly unAmerican, I guess.
But you guys tell me how it is, and then tell me when the Internet makes a version that cuts out all the non-Benedict Cumberbatch scenes, and I’ll watch that one.
The Internet: So, yeah, that <3? That’s a heart! It means love!
Me: Wait, what?
The Internet: You know, love! We love this thing that we found on the Internet!
Me: And it’s a heart, you say?
The Internet: Of course it’s a heart! It’s got the two curves, the pointy end thing …. Why? What did you think it was?
Me: … Oh, nothing.
The Internet: Come on, you can tell us.
Me: Well, it’s got this pointy thing and then two dangly round things, and ….
The Internet: And we thought we had a dirty mind.
I used to think that we’d all be killed off in a zombie apocalypse, but it’s become clear that our desire for technology has far outpaced our necromancy skills. Which means that robots is going to kill us all, just like Bender says.
Here’s a list of how, and why.
1. The Cars that Can Park Themselves. Because once cars can park themselves, it’s one short stop to killing/enslaving humanity.
2.Vacuum cleaner robots. Because vacuum cleaner robots, that’s why.
3. That creepy baby robot that Japan made because Japan hates everything that is good and holy, ever. Yeah, that’s pretty much all I have to say about that.
4. Our increasing reliance on smartphones. You know that’s what they want.
5.The gigantic robot spiders. Seriously, really, Japan?
6. The Japanese robot actroid, because it now has “no fear of crowds.” STOP MAKING ME PICK YOU, JAPAN.
7. The Japanese robot suit because it was created by Cyberdyne BECAUSE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, JAPAN?
8. Shiri, because a robot that is a butt that is called “butt (shiri)” probably wants nothing more than revenge for being brought into the world. Goddammit, Japan, WHY?
9. CB2. Because CB2 haunts my dreams.
10. Oh, and good news: Ropits, the car that can DRIVE ITSELF THEY’RE COMING FOR US OH GOD.
So I was in a restaurant the other night and they had some satellite radio station playing some pretty terrible “modern rock.” (They did play Jane’s Addiction’s “Been Caught Stealing,” which was nice, though.)
Anyhow, one song was about drinking alcohol, and how drinking alcohol is awesome, and being drunk is super-awesome. And it contained such inspired gems as this line about whiskey: “That shit makes me batshit crazy.”
So, yeah. Perhaps less drinking and more hitting the thesaurus is in order?
I know you’re awfully young to be thinking about marriage (also fictional, and a cartoon), but I wanted to submit my application for your hand now, before any other potential suitors come along.
You see, Louise, I believe you’ll grow to be a fine (albeit mad as a hatter) young woman. And I think I could spend the rest of my life with you. Who wouldn’t love an agent of chaos such as yourself? I chose the online handle “lokifire” for a reason (it’s because just plain old “Loki” was already taken). Your unbridled avarice, your passion for hurting as many people as possible. It’s all so attractive!
Plus the bunny ears.
I love the bunny ears.
So, Louise Belcher, I want you to know: I’ll wait for you.
Yours (in about a decade),
(P.S. I hope it doesn’t hurt my case that I’m a female.)
Q. What does the clown-faced serial killer leaning over your bed in the middle of the night say when you ask him what happened to your pet Peke-a-Poo?
What’s better than watching one car, slightly bigger than another, run over the smaller one?
But this fictional character battle between two sentient cars comes mighty damn close, I’m sure. (You did know that Christine and KITT were cars, right?)
Let’s get this battle on the road!
Physicality. Christine is a 1958 Plymouth Fury. That’s pretty hot.
KITT is a 1982 Pontiac Trans Am. (For the sake of argument, we’re going to pretend the attempted Knight Rider reboot doesn’t exist, because, GAH, it was terrible.) That’s pretty hot too.
But not as hot as a 1958 Plymouth Fury. Damn, girl. Winner? Christine.
Can talk? KITT can talk, because he is a talking car. Actually, I think KITT is a computer program that can talk that was installed in a car, but Knight Rider was on when I was, like, an infant, so I’m not too clear on the details except for MAGIC TALKING CAR WHOOOOOO. Christine can’t talk, which is probably good, because can you imagine the terrible things she would say? Winner? KITT.
Will straight-up murder you? Since my parents let me watch Knight Rider as a wee child, I can only assume that the violence was pretty PG-rated, like maybe Michael Knight punched a few guys once in a while, or someone tried to run KITT off the road as he made some sort of clever quip because MAGIC TALKING CAR WHOOOOO. Christine, on the other hand, is the main car-acter (Haaaaa, seriously, though, that was terrible. Never allow me to do that again) in a Stephen King novel, which means OF COURSE SHE WILL STRAIGHT-UP MURDER YOU. Winner? Christine.
Has a cooler owner? I’m not sure if Michael Knight owned KITT or stole him or borrowed him or what, because I was a small child and he was A MAN WHO DIDN’T EXIST. But for our purposes here, we’ll call him an “owner,” why not. Anyway, together, he and KITT the MAGIC TALKING CAR WHOOOOO fought crimes (or possibly committed crimes) and wore a lot of black. Also, he probably had some 1980s style sunglasses, because of course he did. That’s pretty cool.
Christine’s owner was an evil old man and then, later, a zit-faced teenager who got haunted by the evil old man. That’s not very cool at all. Winner? KITT.
Can magically repair itself? I realize I’ve been referring to KITT and Christine as him and her, because one’s a boy car and the other’s a lady car, but they’re technically machines. And machines shouldn’t be able to repair themselves. I mean, I don’t think they can. Who knows what scientists have gotten up to nowadays, other than inventing monstrosities that shouldn’t be.
But with magic, whooo! Anything’s possible. Especially when you live in a Stephen King novel. Winner? Christine.
Welp, I’ve run out of categories. Yup. Also, the boss is due back soon.
Overall winner? Christine, because I don’t want the haunted car mad at me.
Now, I know a lot of Evil Dead fans are up in arms about the Evil Dead remake.
But the thing they don’t remember is that there are three movies in the Evil Dead series and the best, by far, is Evil Dead 2. (Shut up, Army of Darkness lovers. It’s good! It’s just not as good as Evil Dead 2, which is one of the best movies ever.)
So who cares if there’s a completely unnecessary Evil Dead remake? Everything’s got completely unnecessary remakes nowadays. Hell! Even Psycho has a prequel television series, like: Fecking seriously? A Psycho prequel television series? And before Psycho had a wholly unnecessary prequel television series, it had a wholly unnecessary remake that was supposed to be an “homage” to the original Hitchcock film.
The important thing to keep in mind is that the existence of the Evil Dead remake is like the existence of that ridiculously useless The Thing prequel. They’re both stupid and useless and, unless you’re in some sort of hostage situation, no one is forcing you to watch them EVER.
Also, you still need to remember that Evil Dead 2 is the best one, and save your anger for when they remake that.
My daughter thinks my blog should have more photos of Robo Hamsters and, because I haven’t been feeling very funny lately (possibly because I work at a funeral home and there are just so many dead people here), I have decided to heed her advice:
Also, please know that if you would like to buy my affection, giving me a Robo Hamster (plus cage, bedding and food) would be a good place to start.
It’s actually short for “Roborovski,” not “Robot.”