H. Jon Benjamin has a sexy, sexy voice

April 16, 2014 at 9:15 am (Things I Want) (, , )

I want to get H. Jon Benjamin in a room alone and make him say things to me.

It wouldn’t have to be quotes from Archer or Bob’s Burgers. Just, you know, words.

Any words.

"Listen, Crazy Lady, I've already dialed 911 and the cops are on the way."

“Listen, Crazy Lady, I’ve already dialed 911 and the cops are on the way.”

Almost any words.

 

Permalink Leave a Comment

L-O-L-A, you’ve got me on my knees

April 8, 2014 at 9:49 am (Randomosity)

So I had the radio on the other day, and the local classic rock/pop station played Lola, and then followed it up with Layla.

... And then the deejay leaned back in his chair and was like, "Damn, I'm good."

… And then the deejay leaned back in his chair and was like, “Damn, I’m good.”

Permalink Leave a Comment

Thanks for all the memories, Mickey!

April 7, 2014 at 9:29 am (Randomosity) (, )

In honor of Mickey Rooney’s death, I would just like to remind everyone that he was once married to Ava Gardner.

Ladies and gentleman, introducing Young Mickey Rooney.

Ladies and gentleman, introducing Young Mickey Rooney.

AVA GARDNER.

And this is the smoking hot Ava Gardner.

And this is the smoking hot Ava Gardner.

I’d say there’s hope for us average people yet, but only if we become staggeringly famous movie stars will we be able to wed people way out of our leagues.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Now there’s another Captain America movie

April 4, 2014 at 9:51 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I’d been thinking about seeing The Winter Soldier because I enjoy Chris Evans’ face and also his physique, but then it turns out he’s not retiring from acting so now I don’t have to go.

Thanks, you Adonis.

Thanks, you Adonis.

I'm not super-familiar with the story because I find Captain America so very boring, but the Winter Soldier is totally Bucky, right?

I’m not super-familiar with the story because I find Captain America so very boring, but the Winter Soldier is totally Bucky, right?

Permalink Leave a Comment

A love letter to Edward Scissorhands

April 1, 2014 at 11:49 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

Dear Edward Scissorhands,

Let’s get married. I would make a wonderful Mrs. Scissorhands for a multitude of reasons.

Most of them are "You have Johnny Depp's face."

Most of them are “You have Johnny Depp’s face.”

Firstly, I think your facial scars are cool. They make you look kind of, you know, dangerous. Like the way your scissorhands make you look kind of dangerous. Dangerous!

Er, maybe that's too much danger.

Er, maybe that’s too much danger.

Secondly, I hate doing yardwork and you seem to enjoy trimming hedges and the like, so you could do the yardwork and I could not, and we could be cute together when the neighbors come over for a barbecue.

Sometimes we'd do hamburgers, Edward.

Sometimes we’d do hamburgers, Edward.

Thirdly, I would never make you cut my hair. Unless you wanted to. But don’t do anything crazy with it, because I really hate styling my hair.

Actually, yeah. Please never cut my hair, ever.

Actually, yeah. Please never cut my hair, ever.

Fourthly, I have never dated the rich, popular jock, so I would never ask you to break into his house, thus setting off a chain of events that will end in tragedy.

Fifthly, even if I did set off a chain of events that end in tragedy, I would do it with more panache than Winona Ryder, because I seriously could never understand her popularity, she’s pretty terrible.

Partly I never liked her because of my old boyfriend's obsession with her, but partly I've never liked her because she's just a mediocre actress.

Partly I never liked her because of my old boyfriend’s obsession with her, but partly I’ve never liked her because she’s just a mediocre actress.

Sixthly, I think the last name Scissorhands really suits me, and if you won’t marry me, perhaps I should consider getting my name legally changed. Except I can’t remember how to make a cursive capital S, so maybe that’s a bad idea.

Oh, there it is.

Oh, there it is.

But still, we should get married.

But, uh, let's not have any kids, all right?

But, uh, let’s not have any kids, all right?

Permalink Leave a Comment

Ugh it is snowing again

March 21, 2014 at 10:09 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

Huzzah. We’re on track to beat the record for snowiest winter ever. And it’s supposedly spring. Huzzah.

I'm beginning to envy the dead.

I’m beginning to envy the dead.

Permalink 2 Comments

Teddy Dunn is maybe in Witness Protection?

March 18, 2014 at 11:30 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , )

Now that the Veronica Mars movie has come out (and I can’t see it!), I’ve been pretty excited about all things Veronica Mars. I’ve been forcing my daughter to watch Season 1 (“But, Mom, I want to go outside and play, and be active, not sit here watching television and maybe we’ll play video games later,” she doesn’t say), and wondering why Kristen Bell isn’t more famous (I mean, she’s pretty famous, but I think she could stand to be more famous, because she is beautiful and talented and awesome), and also wondering: Hey, what happened to that guy that played her ex-boyfriend/potential half-brother, Duncan Kane? I mean, sure, he’s no Jason Dohring, but he did have pretty eyes.

I actually kind of bought him as Kyle Secor's son, because his face is also very nice.

Also his face and body were very pleasant, yes.

So what happened to Teddy Dunn? Why isn’t he even making a cameo appearance in the Veronica Mars movie? Did he piss off Kristen Bell? Did he witness a mob slaying?

... It seems like putting a mask on the witness only makes it easier for hired assassins to know who to aim for.

Hey, guys? Not to tell you how to do your job, but it seems like putting a mask on the witness only makes it easier for hired assassins to know who to aim for.

Let’s see what we can find out.

First off, you must know (by which I mean you deserve to know, not that you know already) that his full name is actually Edward Wilkes Dunn, which is way more dignified than Teddy. He was born in Australia, but raised in North Carolina. He became interested in acting in high school, and first showed up on television/movie screens in 2004, when he was but a wee lad of 24, with a guest role on Gilmore Girls and a role in The Manchurian Candidate, which was a remake of The Manchurian Candidate. I haven’t seen either. (I add that because I know you care.)

What can I say? I've never been a big Sinatra fan.

What can I say? I’ve never been a big Sinatra fan.

Also in 2004, Edward Wilkes “Teddy” Dunn debuted in Veronica Mars as Veronica’s dead-eyed ex-boyfriend, in what was either a brilliant performance of a kid on way too many anti-depressants or some seriously uninspired acting. It’s really kind of hard to tell, but the only thing you really need to know is that you should be on Team Logan/Veronica, or Team Wallace/Veronica, Although Wallace Probably Deserves Better. Team Duncan/Veronica is, like, so meh.

BFF to the nth degree!

BFF forever! That’s, like, two eternities!

Teddy Dunn split from Veronica Mars before the mediocre third season, fleeing halfway through the second season, after being relegated to a terrible coma baby plot that made me cry because Veronica Mars used to be awesome. After that, he laid low for a couple of years before appearing in 2008′s Jumper, which is about teens with telepathic abilities, and not someone on the window ledge of a skyscraper. That same year, he had a guest role on CSI:NY, a show that needs more initials, and then in 2009, he appeared in Kill Theory, a horror movie you’ve never heard of, and A Good Funeral, which I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have bothered mentioning, except IT WAS THE LAST THING HE EVER APPEARED IN.

It's just so hard to believe this could be a career killer.

It’s just so hard to believe this could be a career killer.

Of course, it’s probably hard to make time for acting when you’re a lawyer. Because he is. Like, totally, a lawyer now. Which seems like it would make his fictional father very happy. Also, I kind of exaggerated. He’s a law clerk. That’s still cool, though.

"I, ah, don't really need your approval, random Internet chick."

“I, ah, don’t really need your approval, random Internet chick.”

Anyway, Law Clerk Dunn apparently didn’t have the time or inclination to be in the Veronica Mars movie, which is fine and good, because we couldn’t have seen it anyway.

That certainly IS a mystery, eh, Veronica?

Stupid limited release.

Permalink 2 Comments

I didn’t even know we were called Marshmallows

March 13, 2014 at 6:48 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) ()

I’ll admit it. I didn’t help fund the Kickstarter for a Veronica Mars movie. Partly because seasons 2 and 3 were so godawful, but partly because of course now that the movie has been made and is being released WHY WOULD THEY SHOW IT IN MY TOWN?

That certainly IS a mystery, eh, Veronica?

That certainly IS a mystery, eh, Veronica?

I mean, we’re getting the new Tyler Perry movie, but Veronica Mars? Why would we get the Veronica Mars movie that’s crazy what was I thinking?

Dammit.

Dammit.

 

Permalink 1 Comment

I guess this shouldn’t surprise me

March 13, 2014 at 10:44 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So, I was reading an article today about some 16-year-old boy at one of the local high schools doing a study on hate crimes in our town, and he was surprised to learn that “it wasn’t just the Jewish community that was targeted, but also other races and people of different sexual orientations.”

Like, wow, it must be nice to grow up as a straight, white American male, I guess.

"I've never been discriminated against, so I didn't realize that it happened to people who aren't like me."

“I’ve never been discriminated against, so I didn’t realize that it happened to people who aren’t like me.” — Privileged Teenager

Permalink 2 Comments

Elsa from Frozen vs. The Ice King

March 13, 2014 at 10:29 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , , , , , , )

Elsa is an orphan queen who has snow powers somehow. I’d call her the Snow Queen, but Frozen really isn’t anything at all like the Hans Christian Anderson story it’s supposedly based on, so doing so would be silly. She stars in a really popular Disney movie that has women actively doing something for once instead of just sitting around waiting for men to save them, so I kind of forgive them for completely changing the fairy tale.

At least it doesn't have the heavy-handed Christian symbolism that the original had, I guess.

At least it doesn’t have the heavy-handed Christian symbolism that the original had, I guess.

The Ice King is a wizard with powers over snow. He is a character in one of the best cartoons ever, Adventure Time, which I don’t know why you’re not all watching it right now, all the time, because it’s just wonderful, and you totally should.

I mean, it's got snowmen hordes and everything!

I mean, it’s got snowmen hordes and everything!

So: Elsa. The Ice King. In a battle, which is more a list of things and then I say which one is better at that thing. Whatever. Let’s rock!

Physicality. You know who’s pretty? Frozen’s Elsa is pretty. She’s got big sparkly eyes and long silver hair and the whole Disney animation thing going for her. The Ice King is … not so pretty. Not so pretty at all. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Pretty and contemplative.

Pretty and contemplative.

Has a big scruffy beard? Like the gentlemen from ZZ Top, the Ice King has a big scruffy beard. Elsa is a pretty lady, so she doesn’t. Winner? The Ice King.

You don't know how long I've been waiting to use an image of ZZ Top on this blog.

You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to use an image of ZZ Top on this blog.

Has a catchy theme song that just everybody is singing nowadays? A song you can’t escape right now is Let it Go, which I thought was pretty the first time, when Idina Menzel was singing it, because oh my god her voice, but have gotten more and more sick of every time I’ve heard it since. The Ice King sings sometimes, but he doesn’t have a very good voice and, also, does anybody even remember that song he sang with Marceline the Vampire Queen? Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Man, I get teary just thinking about this episode.

Man, I get teary just thinking about this episode.

Is a tragic character? Elsa from Frozen is apparently a walking metaphor for coming out of the closet. She’s different from everyone else, and she must keep her differentness hidden, or else the world would fear and hate her. Also, her parents die in a shipwreck, because Disney hates parents unless they’re buying Disney merchandise for their children. Eventually, Elsa’s differentness is revealed, and she is reviled (I chose that for the slant rhyme. You’re welcome.), and she runs off to become fabulous. But then her sister tracks her down and brings her home and everything’s all right with the power of love. The Ice King is really Simon Petrikov, who was cursed with snow powers by a … erm, is there a synonym for cursed that would make sense in this context? … cursed crown, his own true self lost under layers of sheer and utter crazy. Also, he survived the apocalypse. That’s tragic. Winner? The Ice King, because love hasn’t conquered all for him…. Yet.

Get on it, love. I just want poor Simon to be happy.

Get on it, love. I just want poor Simon to be happy.

Has a better sidekick? Elsa from Frozen has a stupid talking snowman. I hate that guy. The Ice King, on the other hand, has various penguins named variations of Gunter. They are so cute, and also evil. Cute little evil penguins. Winner? The Ice King.

Awwww!

Awwww!

Has cooler ice powers? Elsa’s ice powers form a cool castle. The Ice King’s ice powers also form a cool castle. Elsa’s ice powers bring winter to her kingdom. The Ice King’s ice powers can also do that. Elsa’s ice powers transform her boring dress into a gorgeous, slinky gown. The Ice King’s powers … don’t so much. Winner? Elsa from Frozen, by one slinky dress.

I told you she got fabulous.

I told you she got fabulous.

Has better friends? Elsa’s best friend is her sister Anna, who is secretly Veronica Mars. That’s really awesome. The Ice King’s best friends are Finn and Jake, which would be super awesome, because Finn is an adventuring human (the last of his kind) and Jake is a magical talking dog, but they don’t really like the Ice King very much because he’s just so crazy. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

I wish Veronica Mars was my friend, but only if she doesn't have to solve my gruesome murder.

I wish Veronica Mars was my friend, but only if she doesn’t have to solve my gruesome murder.

Can fly? Elsa can’t fly. The Ice King can, though, using his big scruffy beard as, like, wings. Somehow. Winner? The Ice King.

Science says this shouldn't work.

Science says this shouldn’t work.

Now that it’s a tie, let’s move on to the tie-breaking question, which is this:

Protects and shelters a small child in a post-apocalyptic world? Now that’s just cheating.

You know perfectly well that the Ice King sheltered young Marceline after the apocalypse and before she became a vampire, and that Elsa did nothing of the sort.

You know perfectly well that the Ice King sheltered young Marceline after the apocalypse and before she became a vampire, and that Elsa did nothing of the sort.

I know, but I’m just so sick of Let it Go. Very well, then. Winner? The Ice King.

Overall winner? The Ice King, unless he starts singing Let it Go, in which case, I will be so mad, you just don’t even know.

I ... should have seen this coming.

I … should have seen this coming.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Next page »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 78 other followers