You want to dress up for Halloween, but you don’t know if you’ll be mistaken for a horrible, horrible bigot? Well, here’s a handy guide to help you figure out is your costume racist or not.
1. You’re going as a sexy Indian. That’s, yeah, kind of racist.
2. You’re going in a sheet with eyeholes cut out. There’s two kinds of sheets with eyeholes cut out.
Choose the good kind.
3. You’re going in blackface. Please don’t go in blackface. It doesn’t matter how you intend it, blackface has a terrible, terrible history, and you’ll be wearing all that history on your face.
4. You’re going as a sexy Geisha. I’ll admit I love Geisha costumes, because real kimono are just too hard for me to put on properly. But is it racist? Let’s just say it’s appropriating another culture. Do it with respect.
5. You’re going as a superhero. Probably not racist, but it kind of depends on the superhero.
6. You’re going as a sexy gangster. Gangsters weren’t really that sexy. They had all sorts of dental problems, and didn’t shower much from being on the run. That said? Not so racist.
7. You’re going in a sombrero. I guess I understand if you have a sombrero just hanging around the house and you’re like, what else am I going to do with it, but for God’s sake, don’t go all-out stereotype, and you should be okay.
8. You’re going to wear a turban. Why would you do that? You’re terrible.
9. You’re going as Elsa from Frozen. Not racist, but maybe pick something else, because there are already millions of 5-year-old girls wearing your costume.
10. You’re going as Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. Not racist, but you’re dressed up as a pedophile serial killer so, you know, there’s that.
I want someone to write a sci-fi show that I enjoy, because they will obviously hire Bear McCreary to do the music for it, because I just don’t want to watch The Walking Dead and Constantine.
On Friday, I watched Constantine.
I have two nice things to say about it: 1) It was better than Gotham. 2) At least John Constantine was blonde, British and wearing a trench coat.
So you see? I can be nice.
But I don’t wanna anymore, so here’s all the things that were terrible about it.
Like, I know it’s sad that the girl who was supposed to play the female lead got fired, because it’s sad when people lose their jobs, but it’s kind of less sad when they’re not very good at their jobs and, well, she kind of wasn’t so good. I’m sorry that’s so wishy-washy. I do feel bad for her, but … maybe it was just the character?
Anyway, the special effects weren’t great, except for this bit with Harold Perrineau As An Angel and some raindrops, but what was really bad was the only story. Like, John Constantine has gotten himself put in a mental hospital, where they try to cure him of being an exorcist, except he really is an exorcist, so it’s kind of ridiculous. And I’ll admit right now that I only really followed Hellblazer when Brian Azzarello was writing it (I didn’t even enjoy the Garth Ennis run, and I love Garth Ennis), so if this was a real plotline from the comic book, well — maybe it played out better on the page?
So, right, John Constantine gets a message from a dead guy, who possesses some girl at the mental hospital, because she’s LEFT ALL ALONE IN A GIANT ROOM AT A MENTAL HOSPITAL THAT NEVER HAPPENS TV, GOD, and off he goes to have adventures. Kind of boring adventures. Oh, and we learn he’s tormented because he let a little girl get sentenced to hell, like, how bad was that little girl, right?
John Constantine’s boring adventures involve the actress who isn’t the female lead anymore because she got fired, and they’re barely worth mentioning, except if you’re possessed by a demon or an angel, you have to wear terrible contacts, and Chaz shows up, which is good news, and then there’s this bit thrown in at the end where they’re all like: Oh, right, so we fired that one chick, now we have to write a scene explaining why the character never shows up anymore, when everything else in this episode was leading up to her hanging round all the time, and then John Constantine is in an alleyway with a bunch of guys with guns and his hands are on fire…
…and then there’s some lady who was clearly working for Vertigo, because all she’s drawing is Hellblazer covers.
And then it’s over, and you’re all like, well, that wasn’t worth a whole hour of my Friday, but then you’re like, but what else was I going to do anyway, it’s not like I go anywhere anymore, and then you think maybe you should sign up on a dating web site like your brother wants you to.
John Wick is a movie starring Keanu Reeves. I read a review that said “we’ve missed him on the screen,” except I’m not really sure everybody did, you know?
(Yes, Keanu Reeves fans, you can direct your hatemail to lokifire@YESIHAVEADIFFERENTOPINIONTHANYOU.COM.)
Anyway, in John Wick, Keanu Reeves plays John Wick, a guy whose wife dies and then his dog dies.
Which sounds exactly like the synopsis for this video, except probably without the awesome ending. (You should go watch this video right now. It’s very funny, and Santa Fe is a very nice song. Yes, even you, Keanu Reeves fans.)
Snowpiercer! doesn’t actually have an exclamation point in it, but I’m just so excited.
Sure, I didn’t get to see it on the big screen, because my state would never get an interesting movie that only appeals to a small audience, and also is dragging their heels on gay marriage. (I mean, c’mon! Wyoming is allowing gay marriage now! We’ve been beaten by Wyoming! With any luck, we could at least be less bigoted than, say, Texas?)
Anyway, though, Snowpiercer!, the movie I saw on the little screen, is really quite cool and good. It’s got, like, a metric shit-ton of great actors in it (and I just want to say to everyone how disappointed I am that nobody can seem to remember that Chris Evans is actually a really good actor; he might be Capt. America, but he’s also a guy who loves small sci-fi flicks, and is wonderful).
Some people complained that the conceit of the train cars was too weird, but I can see how each separate train car would be its own little universe. Also, it’s kind of a metaphor, so run with it, you know? Some people also complained that Tilda Swinton’s acting choices were a bit off, but I thought it was because her character was supposed to be a bit off. I mean, everybody on the train was nuts; that’s what happens when all of humanity gets trapped on a train that goes round the world every year. So I thought her characterization was just fine, and also enjoyed her terrific dentures. That was great.
Also, the ending. (Note: spoiler alerts abound in this paragraph, so, I guess, close your eyes if you don’t want to know.) The ending is: Chris Evans gets his arm ripped off in a Chekhov’s gun sort of way (he’d been bemoaning have two arms the whole movie, and everybody is like, “why?”, but it’s because everybody else chopped off their arms to help ward off starvation, and he was too cowardly), Kang-ho Song blows up the train…
…and everybody dies, except two kids who wander out into the snow, presumably to freeze to death, but then they see a polar bear, so maybe it’s warm enough for humans to survive.
I don’t even know if this is irony:
Driving around for work today, running errands in the removal van (so called because we use it for, you know, removing dead folk from their places of death), with the radio cranked and playing the Bee Gees’ Stayin’ Alive.
My call to the circulation department of my former employer:
Me, after holding for 10 minutes at 7:30 in the morning: Hello, I’m calling because I didn’t get my paper today.
Them: What’s the address? (After I give it to her, the sound of typing.) Well, it doesn’t look like they had any problems delivering that route today.
Me: That’s very interesting. Anyway, I’m calling because I didn’t get my paper today.
Hi, y’all! I’ve got another story published online today. It’s about Martha Mansfield, a 1920s movie actress who died in a terrible accident on the set of her last movie.
There are several movies opening at my local theaters this week.
One is Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, which is cute as a children’s book, but really probably didn’t need to be extended into a full-length movie.
Another is Dracula Untold, which did anyone else know this existed? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? This is seriously the first I’ve heard of it. It sounds also very terrible. Listen to this: “An encounter with a foul demon offers Vlad a deal that would give him superhuman powers and a fighting chance to save his people. But the Faustian bargain comes with a terrible penalty — one that may curse to prince to dwell in darkness for all time, feeding on human blood and destroying everything he holds dear.”
Another is The Judge…
…which stars Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Duvall, and I’m sure is very impressive and wonderful and absolutely not my cup of tea at all, so let’s move on to the last movie:
Meet the Mormons, which has the misfortune of sounding less like the documentary it is and more like a Meet the Parents prequel.
Yea! The Supreme Court has (basically) decided that it’s unconstitutional to deny the right to marry to any two consenting adults!
Now to sit back and watch the hate-filled letters to the editor come pouring into the local newspaper!