Misery loves youth, or something

August 22, 2014 at 9:44 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

When I was a kid, I remember just loving the young adult section of the local library. Specifically, the tragedies, or almost-tragedies, which almost always had titles like, “Six Months to Live,” or “I Want to Live” or “Please Don’t Let Me Die Now, God!” (Note: Only one of these titles is probably made up.)

Ha! Yes, it was the version with THIS EXACT COVER.

Ha! Yes, it was the version with THIS EXACT COVER.

So it looks like fifth-grade me has a ton of disposable income, because, holy cow, looking at all the depressing teen movies we’ve had lately: The Hunger Games? Filled with child death. The Fault in Our Stars? It’s about cancer patients who are teenagers. If I Stay?

Not the same thing as this, at all.

Not the same thing as this, at all.

If I Stay? Wait, what the hebubba is that about?

Well, it’s about a teen girl who — get this — is in a COMA! So she’s practically dead ALL ALONG. Man, fifth-grade me would love this book and this movie and would probably also love the love interest, teen-boy-who-is-a-rock-musician and is probably super-sensitive and kind. Fifth-grade me would think THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER.

"I wish I was in a coma too." -- fifth-grade me

“I wish I was in a coma too.” — fifth-grade me

Gods, fifth-grade me. You sucked.

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God bless the Internet, I guess

August 14, 2014 at 9:21 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

It’s awfully convenient that people can take to social media to attack Robin Williams’ grieving daughter.¬†Back in the old days, if you wanted to harass a grieving family, you had to mail them a letter or, god forbid, repeatedly drive by their house.

But seriously, people, stop being dicks.

 

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More movies I’m not seeing this weekend: A brief list

August 8, 2014 at 10:55 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

1. I’m not going to see Step Up: All In. I didn’t see the first 12 or 20 Step Ups, and I see no reason to make an exception to my apathy.

Not even if their feet ARE on fire.

Not even if their feet ARE on fire.

2. The Hundred-Foot Journey doesn’t look like my thing at all. “Oh, that looks like a good movie,” said my mother when she saw the trailer. “No, it doesn’t,” I replied.

My mother and I have, figuratively, nothing in common.

My mother and I have, figuratively, nothing in common.

3. Into the Storm looks just godawful. I’m not a fan of disaster movies, anyway — like, seriously, there’s enough disasters that happen in the real world, all the time, and I don’t enjoy movies about them — but this one looks even more bad than the rest.

I know it doesn't seem possible, but I have reason to suspect this might be the worst disaster movie of the year.

I know it doesn’t seem possible, but I have reason to suspect this might be the worst disaster movie of the year.

 

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Turtles, who are also teenaged, mutant and ninja

August 7, 2014 at 10:43 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

The truth is that I never liked the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Partly because my brother liked them and partly because it was just too stupid: Mutant turtles who are teenaged ninja? Are you kidding me?

And they're named after classical painters, because, yeah, prepubescent boys are going to know who they are.

And they’re named after classical painters, because, yeah, prepubescent boys are going to know who they are.

Which is how I think the new Michael Bay film feels. Have you noticed in the ads that the “Teenage Mutant” is really tiny, and that they only say “Ninja Turtles” aloud? It’s like the trailers are embarrassed: “Omigod, I’m a movie about teenage turtles who are also mutant ninja. I DON’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW!”

"Ninja Turtles is cool, though."

“Ninja Turtles is cool, though.”

And that’s sad, because, dammit, if you’re going to be a movie about Ninja turtles who are teenaged mutants, then you should own it. You should revel in it. You should be like: “DAMMIT YES I AM A MOVIE ABOUT TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES LOOK AT ME!!!”

"Or look at Megan Fox. Whatever."

“Or look at Megan Fox. Whatever.”

 

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What could have been….

August 1, 2014 at 1:43 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I wanted to see Guardians of the Galaxy, not so much because I’m familiar with the comic book, but because SPACE RACCOON WITH A GUN, until I discovered that H. Jon Benjamin had been considered for the part of Rocket Raccoon.

It would have been beautiful. Beautiful!

It would have been beautiful. Beautiful!

Now I can never go, because every time I hear Bradley Cooper’s voice come out of Rocket Raccoon’s mouth, I would cry out: “That could have been H. Jon Benjamin!”

I can't believe we live in a world where this man's voice isn't coming out of the mouth of a space raccoon with a gun.

I can’t believe we live in a world where this man’s voice isn’t coming out of the mouth of a space raccoon with a gun.

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Some songs are pretty dumb

July 31, 2014 at 9:31 am (Top Ten) ()

I was at the dentist this morning for a cleaning (no cavities! Whoooo!), and they had satellite radio playing, and I heard this song, which is possibly the stupidest song I’ve ever heard, using sea battle as a metaphor for love. Actually, as a simile, I guess, because he says “we love like battleships.” He goes on to say: “Boom, ba-boom, boom, ba-boom, boom, boom.”

Also he says this.

Also he says this.

Because this is seriously the stupidest song ever.

Anyway, here’s a list of other stupid things that could be used as a metaphor for love, but probably not as stupid as battleships, because, MY GOD, this song is so stupid.

And it was really hard to listen to at the dentist, because laughing hurts when there's dental tools in your mouth.

And it was really hard to listen to at the dentist, because laughing hurts when there’s dental tools in your mouth.

1. Dental work, why not. “Our love is like the popcorn kernel stuck in my gums that flossing won’t get out.”

2. Collecting stamps. “I love you like that rare upside-down print butterfly from 1943. Baby.”

3. Checkers. “I jump you, you jump me, I’m the king of your heart. Also: Baby.”

4. Stir-frying. “You love me like noodles frying in the wok, and then I put some green peppers in there. Oh, yeah.”

5. Ancient Edo. “Baby, it’s all like bushido and samurai when I look at you, and maybe some ninja too.”

6. Jump-roping. “Let’s just recycle that checkers lyric mostly, all right?”

7. Life-guarding. “You’re like the girl drowning in the ocean, and I’m like the lifeguard, jumping in to rescue you, because that’s love, baby, that’s love.”

8. The Karate Kid. “Wax on, wax off, love, love, love.”

9. A carnival. “Sometimes we’re the ferris wheel, kissing up on top. Other times, we’re the roller coaster, because, you know, love has its ups and downs.”

10. Bass drums. Boom, ba-boom, boom, ba-boom, boom, boom.”

I'm not kidding, you guys. Those are really the words.

I’m not kidding, you guys. Those are really the words.

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There’s robots in my house now

July 25, 2014 at 11:15 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

My mother bought my daughter a Furby Boom.

“You can have it, as long as you keep that thing away from me,” I told my daughter.

“Oh, your mother just has some strange ideas,” my mother said.

But I don’t think it’s strange to have a healthy dose of fear about a robot monster that adapts and learns, and also has multiple personalities.

There is nothing cute about you at all, you hideous beast.

There is nothing cute about you at all, you hideous beast.

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Lucy is driving me nuts

July 25, 2014 at 10:31 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

Lucy might be a good flick, I guess. It’s got Scarlett Johansson doing her sexy badass thing, which people are definitely into, so that’s promising.

I mean, she's not my cup of tea, but some people are into hot blondes with awesome figures, I suppose.

I mean, she’s not my cup of tea, but some people are into hot blondes with awesome figures, I suppose.

But why — WHY — couldn’t at some point someone working on the movie itself pointed out that “people only use 10 percent of their brains” is a bunch of hooey and, thus, the entire premise of the movie is INCREDIBLY FLAWED, which makes it, just, beyond stupid.

It's like picking your nose and then saying we only use 10 percent of our fingers.

It’s like picking your nose and then saying we only use 10 percent of our fingers.

Every time I see the trailer, when I hear Morgan Freeman say, “People only use 10 percent of their brains,” I scream: “NO THAT IS INCORRECT AND IF AN IDIOT LIKE ME KNOWS IT THEN A SCIENTIST SHOULD DEFINITELY KNOW IT THIS WHOLE PREMISE IS FLAWED AAAAGGGGHHHHHHH.”

Even the stupid poster is saying it GAHHHHH.

Even the stupid poster is saying it GAHHHHH.

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The Internet thinks I’m a guy now

July 24, 2014 at 10:16 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

I’ve discovered an online tool that determines, through your writing, whether you’re a man or a woman.

(I discovered this tool due to the comments on an online literary magazine I’ve been reading: this one dude always complains when ladies write from a male point of view because their womanly words make it impossible for him to suspend his disbelief because, yuck, they’re getting their femininity all over, and he often cited this online test as a way to tell if you write like a yucky, cootie-infested girl.)

Ugh, ladies, you so nasty.

Ugh, ladies, you so nasty.

Anyway, curiosity got the better of me, and I decided to go ahead and provide some samples from my blog and my unpublished novel that agents just keep rejecting.

"Please stop writing novels, forever." -- literary agents

“Please stop writing novels, forever.” — literary agents who have read my work

And I’m a dude. My most feminine rating was “weak male.” (Which, according to the test, happens to imply that I’m European.)

Oddly enough, this post was hovering between the “weak male” rating and the “weak female” rating, until I added this line.

Yup. I’m a dude.

I guess I'd better start using the other restroom, then.

I guess I’d better start using the other restroom, then.

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He Who Gets Slapped is just, like, the best

July 22, 2014 at 12:50 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

This weekend, I watched 1924’s He Who Gets Slapped. It is one of the best movies ever, and I love it, and here’s a list of reasons why:

1. It’s got Lon Chaney without makeup in it. Or maybe it doesn’t, I don’t know.

This is maybe what Lon Chaney really looked like?

This is maybe what Lon Chaney really looked like?

2. Norma Shearer is just adorable as a horse-riding countess in the circus. Yes, she’s a countess and she rides a horse in the circus.

Time were tough for nobility, but at least she got to wear that awesome tutu.

Time were tough for nobility, but at least she got to wear that awesome tutu.

3. John Gilbert doesn’t have a mustache.

Also, and you can't see them perfectly in this image, but he has the BEST PANTS.

Also, and you can’t see them perfectly in this image, but he has the BEST PANTS.

I just don't enjoy mustaches. Or what years of heavy drinking do to people's faces.

I just don’t enjoy mustaches. Or what years of heavy drinking do to people’s faces.

4. The reason it’s called He Who Gets Slapped is because after various terrible things happen to Lon Chaney, he goes mad, and joins the circus as a clown named HE – Who Gets Slapped. Probably less awkward in the original Russian.

Lon Chaney wants you to know that everything about that last paragraph makes absolute, perfect sense.

Lon Chaney wants you to know that everything about that last paragraph makes absolute, perfect sense.

5. The actress playing Lon Chaney’s duplicitous wife has a very readable face, without overplaying. She’s all, like, subtle about her betrayal, but not so subtle you can’t tell what’s going to happen.

6. Sure, there’s clowns in it, but they’re hardly scary at all, and you know that, underneath the makeup, one of them is Lon Chaney. So that makes it all OK.

Kind of OK.

… Kind of OK.

7. The effects are pretty impressive for 1920s film. God bless those hardworking technicians, who made all my favorite special effects of black-and-white movies possible!

8. It’s kind of surreal and weird, but not so artsy-fartsy that it hurts.

9. It doesn’t have a happy ending. Some movies just don’t need them, and this is one of them.

Spoiler alert: Lon Chaney dies. Er, and also in the movie.

Spoiler alert: Lon Chaney dies.
Er, and also in the movie.

10. Last, but definitely not least, and, in fact, is the absolute best thing of all: Lon Chaney totally murders two guys with a lion. With a lion!

This lion, in fact!

This lion, in fact!

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