John Wick: A movie starring Keanu Reeves

October 24, 2014 at 2:19 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

John Wick is a movie starring Keanu Reeves. I read a review that said “we’ve missed him on the screen,” except I’m not really sure everybody did, you know?

Why'd they mess up Keanu Reeves' face? His face is his best bit!

Why’d they mess up Keanu Reeves’ face? His face is his best bit!

(Yes, Keanu Reeves fans, you can direct your hatemail to lokifire@YESIHAVEADIFFERENTOPINIONTHANYOU.COM.)

Anyway, in John Wick, Keanu Reeves plays John Wick, a guy whose wife dies and then his dog dies.

Which sounds exactly like the synopsis for this video, except probably without the awesome ending. (You should go watch this video right now. It’s very funny, and Santa Fe is a very nice song. Yes, even you, Keanu Reeves fans.)

"UR OPINONS IS STUPID AND UR STUPID" -- a spelling-challenged Keanu Reeves fan, probably.

“UR OPINONS IS STUPID AND UR STUPID” — a spelling-challenged Keanu Reeves fan, probably.

 

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Snowpiercer! is a movie I finally saw

October 24, 2014 at 10:13 am (Randomosity) (, , , )

Snowpiercer! doesn’t actually have an exclamation point in it, but I’m just so excited.

It's the movie where the earth gets frozen over, and the only people alive are trapped on this train, and Chris Evans is in it, because he is awesome.

It’s the movie where the earth gets frozen over, and the only people alive are trapped on this train, and Chris Evans is in it, because he is awesome.

Sure, I didn’t get to see it on the big screen, because my state would never get an interesting movie that only appeals to a small audience, and also is dragging their heels on gay marriage. (I mean, c’mon! Wyoming is allowing gay marriage now! We’ve been beaten by Wyoming! With any luck, we could at least be less bigoted than, say, Texas?)

Let's beat Texas! Let's beat Texas! (... it's the only state I can recognize the shape immediately, all right?)

Let’s beat Texas! Let’s beat Texas!
(… it’s the only state I can recognize the shape immediately, all right?)

Anyway, though, Snowpiercer!, the movie I saw on the little screen, is really quite cool and good. It’s got, like, a metric shit-ton of great actors in it (and I just want to say to everyone how disappointed I am that nobody can seem to remember that Chris Evans is actually a really good actor; he might be Capt. America, but he’s also a guy who loves small sci-fi flicks, and is wonderful).

Lest you forget, he was in Sunshine.

Lest you forget, he was in Sunshine.

Also, here's a picture of him in this awesome fight scene. With axes!

Also, here’s a picture of him in this awesome fight scene. With axes!

Some people complained that the conceit of the train cars was too weird, but I can see how each separate train car would be its own little universe. Also, it’s kind of a metaphor, so run with it, you know? Some people also complained that Tilda Swinton’s acting choices were a bit off, but I thought it was because her character was supposed to be a bit off. I mean, everybody on the train was nuts; that’s what happens when all of humanity gets trapped on a train that goes round the world every year. So I thought her characterization was just fine, and also enjoyed her terrific dentures. That was great.

"WHAT DENTURES I AM NOT WEARING DENTURES WE MUST MAINTAIN ORDER ON THE TRAIN."

“WHAT DENTURES I AM NOT WEARING DENTURES WE MUST MAINTAIN ORDER ON THE TRAIN.”

Also, the ending. (Note: spoiler alerts abound in this paragraph, so, I guess, close your eyes if you don’t want to know.) The ending is: Chris Evans gets his arm ripped off in a Chekhov’s gun sort of way (he’d been bemoaning have two arms the whole movie, and everybody is like, “why?”, but it’s because everybody else chopped off their arms to help ward off starvation, and he was too cowardly), Kang-ho Song blows up the train…

*Sigh* Oh, Kang-ho Song, you can blow up my train any time.

*Sigh*
Kang-ho Song, you can blow up my train any time.

…and everybody dies, except two kids who wander out into the snow, presumably to freeze to death, but then they see a polar bear, so maybe it’s warm enough for humans to survive.

... At least until the food supply of "corpses on an exploded train" runs out.

… At least until the food supply of “corpses on an exploded train” runs out.

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Is this irony?

October 16, 2014 at 2:27 pm (Randomosity) (, )

I don’t even know if this is irony:

Driving around for work today, running errands in the removal van (so called because we use it for, you know, removing dead folk from their places of death), with the radio cranked and playing the Bee Gees’ Stayin’ Alive.

Ironic, not ironic, that song is awesome.

Ironic, not ironic, that song is awesome.

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Didn’t get mah paper

October 16, 2014 at 11:31 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

My call to the circulation department of my former employer:

Me, after holding for 10 minutes at 7:30 in the morning: Hello, I’m calling because I didn’t get my paper today.

Them: What’s the address? (After I give it to her, the sound of typing.) Well, it doesn’t look like they had any problems delivering that route today.

Me: That’s very interesting. Anyway, I’m calling because I didn’t get my paper today.

"If you'd like, I could make some clacking noises and then say something stupid, too!"

“If you’d like, I could make some clacking noises and then say something stupid, too!”

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Another story

October 11, 2014 at 8:18 am (Randomosity) ()

Hi, y’all! I’ve got another story published online today. It’s about Martha Mansfield, a 1920s movie actress who died in a terrible accident on the set of her last movie.

I don't always write about dead people. Just, like, nine times out of ten.

I don’t always write about dead people. Just, like, nine times out of ten.

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Lots o’ movies, lookin’ terrible

October 10, 2014 at 9:37 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

There are several movies opening at my local theaters this week.

One is Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, which is cute as a children’s book, but really probably didn’t need to be extended into a full-length movie.

Good news! A google search of "Alexander and the Terrible Horrible Etc. movie" will pull up articles and images, so you don't have to type the whole damn thing out.

Good news! A google search of “Alexander and the Terrible Horrible Etc. movie” will pull up articles and images, so you don’t have to type the whole damn thing out.

Another is Dracula Untold, which did anyone else know this existed? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? This is seriously the first I’ve heard of it. It sounds also very terrible. Listen to this: “An encounter with a foul demon offers Vlad a deal that would give him superhuman powers and a fighting chance to save his people. But the Faustian bargain comes with a terrible penalty — one that may curse to prince to dwell in darkness for all time, feeding on human blood and destroying everything he holds dear.”

"Actually, the untold truth is: I'm Batman."

“Actually, the untold truth is: I’m Batman.”

Another is The Judge…

Unrelated, but I assume the kind of people who name a gun "The Judge" are the kind of people who shoot first and ask questions later.

Unrelated, but I assume the kind of people who name a gun “The Judge” are the kind of people who shoot first and ask questions later.

…which stars Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Duvall, and I’m sure is very impressive and wonderful and absolutely not my cup of tea at all, so let’s move on to the last movie:

Meet the Mormons, which has the misfortune of sounding less like the documentary it is and more like a Meet the Parents prequel.

... with an ad campaign that makes it look like a terrible network reality show.

… with an ad campaign that makes it look like a terrible network reality show.

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Yea for equal rights!

October 8, 2014 at 9:49 am (Randomosity)

Yea! The Supreme Court has (basically) decided that it’s unconstitutional to deny the right to marry to any two consenting adults!

First: Yea! Second: Aw, it's sad they don't have a car.

Yea!

Now to sit back and watch the hate-filled letters to the editor come pouring into the local newspaper!

Yea?

Yea?

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A to Z is exactly as terrible as I thought it would be

October 3, 2014 at 10:44 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, , , )

So a TV show I’ve been wanting to avoid ever since I first started to see commercials for it is A to Z. It’s about a guy whose name starts with an A, and he falls in love with a girl whose name starts with a Z, and it’s destiny, because she was the girl in a silver dress at a concert he went to. That is exactly the romantic comedy I would not want to see if it was a movie, and that goes even moreso for a TV show, because those tend to keep going and going, long after they should be canceled.

But with a conceit like using the alphabet, the show can only be 26 episodes long.

But with a conceit like using the alphabet, the show can only be 26 episodes long. Right?

I was happily looking forward to never watching it EVER, but then I got home late from work last night, then I exploded dinner, so then I had to start dinner over, and then by the time I got done cleaning up after dinner, my damn family had turned on the television and it was on and I was too damn tired from wiping hamburger meat off the microwave to do anything other than sit there and stare listlessly at the TV screen.

The lesson is: When defrosting meat, remember to always select the defrost option or there will be trouble.

The lesson is: When defrosting meat, remember to always select the defrost option or there will be trouble.

And there was A to Z, just sucking merrily along.

If you’ve seen any of the previews, it is exactly the show you thought it would be, and I’m not going to go into it right now, suffice to say if romcoms are your thing, you’ll like it, and if you feel the way I do about romcoms, then, for the love of all that’s good, tell your family next time¬†they¬†can clean up after dinner, you’re watching a Lon Chaney movie and that’s that.

See, he's an armless knife thrower, but he really does have arms, but then they get amputated and ... look, just shut up and let me watch this, okay?

See, he’s an armless knife thrower, but he really does have arms, but then they get amputated and … look, just shut up and let me watch this, okay?

But the thing I did want to bring up is this: Katey Sagal, if you owe somebody some money, I’m willing to help you out! I’ll give you some of my money! I’ll petition Sons of Anarchy for your better pay! Whatever it takes! Just, please, stop wasting your god-given voice artist talents on being the narrator for this show.

Please.

... You know what? Katey Sagal, you just do whatever you want, you're so awesome.

… You know what? Katey Sagal, you just do whatever you want, you’re so awesome.

 

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Left Behind is, like, another Rapture flick

October 3, 2014 at 9:49 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

I feel like there’s been a lot of those recently. Rapture flicks.

Never mind. I guess one’s a TV show.

Well, anyway, this Left Behind has them all beat, and do you know why?

Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage is the answer.

Nicolas Cage is always the answer.

Nicolas Cage is always the answer.

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Creepy movies about dolls, why not

October 3, 2014 at 9:43 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend, Two-sentence Reviews) (, )

Q. Would a loving God really allow a movie like Annabelle to exist?

A. The world is a cold and hard place, and God wants you to suffer.

THANKS A LOT, GOD.

THANKS A LOT, GOD.

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