Published!

September 19, 2014 at 6:26 am (Randomosity)

Hey, everybody! I’ve got a flash fiction on everydayfiction.com. It’s about a boy who died. Check it out if you’re interested.

I’ve got two more stories coming out in the next few months — I’ll let you guys know when they’re published too!

Thanks for reading my blog!

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There were, like, five Spice Girls, right?

September 18, 2014 at 10:41 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , )

So, because my family is obsessed with America’s Got Talent, I know that Scary Spice AKA Mel B is currently alive and doing well, working as a judge on that show. Also I know that one of the Spices married that handsome soccer player. But what about the others? And how many Spice Girls were there? And why does my 10-year-old daughter enjoy Wannabe when it’s such a terrible song?

"Ugh, Mom, why do you gotta be such a LAME-O," I'm pretty sure isn't something 10-year-old girls say nowadays.

“Ugh, Mom, why do you gotta be such a LAME-O,” I’m pretty sure is something 10-year-old girls don’t say nowadays.

Answers to these questions and possibly a couple of others lie just ahead! Huzzah!

According to their Wikipedia entry, which probably hasn’t been edited to the point of falsehood, there were five Spice Girls (for a while, I thought maybe there was only four, because it was Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Married-The-Soccer-Player Spice, Other Spice and was there anyone else?). They are, and I was pretty close on my guesses above, Scary Spice (Melanie Brown), Sporty Spice (Melanie Chisholm), Baby Spice (Emma Bunton), Ginger Spice (Geri Haliwell) and Posh Spice (Victoria Beckham). And that’s already more than I knew about the Spice Girls in the ’90s!

I ... have no idea which one is which.

I … have no idea which one is which.

The group formed in 1994, and their first single was Wannabe, which 10-year-old girls enjoy because it’s catchy and 10-year-old girls like terrible things. They’re credited for being the pioneers paving the way for the teen pop movement of the ’90s, which is just sad, really.

Ha. Like any of them were even teenagers then.

Ha. Like any of them were even teenagers then.

They were really famous for a while, then people stopped wanting to listen to their particular brand of terrible pop music and decided to support other, terrible pop musicians, so the band went on hiatus in 2000.

Between 2007 and 2008, they had a reunion tour and released a Greatest Hits album, which must have just been a bunch of remixes of Wannabe, and in 2012, they reunited again to promote the launch of the Spice Girls Musical, Viva Forever: The Musical, which of course is a thing that exists.

Viva Forever!: Show here, existing.

Viva Forever!: Show here, existing.

Here’s a quick rundown of what became of each individual Spice Girl, of whom there are five:

Sporty Spice is a solo artist who also acts. Wikipedia says she has 12 tattoos, but doesn’t say what they are, so I’m going to assume they’re all unicorns.

Awww!

Awww!

Baby Spice is a solo artist who also acts. Also, she’s going to be a judge on a British talent show.

Ginger Spice is a solo artist who also acts. I’m beginning to sense a trend here. She’s also written two autobiographies, presumably because some stuff happened after she wrote the first one.

Posh Spice is a solo artist who does documentaries and fashion stuff. She doesn’t appear to act, which is a nice change. Wikipedia says she’s really, really rich. Also, she has her own fashion label.

Scary Spice, as previously mentioned, is a judge on America’s Got Talent. She says “off the chain” a lot, which makes little to no sense. She is also a solo artist, and judges a lot of other talent shows. She, too, has written an autobiography, but probably it’s not about how her ex-husband claims her breast implants wrecked their marriage. (Well, and her adultery, too, but that’s not as funny.)

So there you have it. None of the Spice Girls have disappeared into oblivion, unlike so many pop stars before them.

"Why are you looking at me?"

“Why are you looking at me?”

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A love letter to Echo the Ventriloquist

September 17, 2014 at 11:08 am (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

Dear Lon Chaney,

What? There's nothing wrong with having a crush on someone who's been dead for over 90 years. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG, I SAY.

What? There’s nothing wrong with having a crush on someone who’s been dead for over 80 years. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG, I SAY.

I mean:

Dear Echo the Ventriloquist, the main character in the 1925 silent film The Unholy Three,

How’s it going? I’m sure it must be tough for you right now, what with your girlfriend dumping you and your partners in crime getting mauled to death by a a gorilla.

I want you to know: I’m here for you. And by “here,” I mean, “about 90 years in the future, unable to invent a time machine.”

But still! It must have been so hard for you, after you went to all that effort! Although I’m not quite sure why you had to commit to such a convoluted plot: First, you disguise yourself as a harmless little old lady, the strong man as your son or possibly trophy husband, and the dwarf as a toddler. Then you open a bird store and use your ventriloquism skills to convince rich people to buy parrots. Then you deliver the parrots to their houses, which you then rob. And you call yourselves “the unholy three,” because movie titles need to come from somewhere, I guess.

... That's actually a pretty unholy trio, now that I think about it.

… That’s actually a pretty unholy trio, now that I think about it.

In the meantime, you’ve enlisted your pickpocket girlfriend to pose as your granddaughter, and you hire some dude to work at your phony bird store, and I don’t know why any of this was even necessary. Also, why did you insist on bringing that gorilla along? Were you really planning all along to murder your treacherous partners with the gorilla? Was that really your plan?

"Hey, at least I took off the skirt to do robberies, all right?"

“Hey, at least I took off the skirt to do robberies, all right?”

I know it sounds like I’m criticizing you, Echo the Ventriloquist, but I assure you, I’m not. (Well, maybe I am, a little.) The truth is, I love you because of your fondness for overly-difficult schemes. I love you for your willingness to hop into granny-drag. I love you for your forethought of carrying a violent gorilla around with you everywhere you go, just in case your partners in crime turn on you, which of course they will, because who can trust a strongman and a dwarf? I love you for the way you, when the man your pickpocket girlfriend fell in love with (seriously, WHY DID YOU HIRE THAT DUDE TO WORK AT YOUR BIRD STORE?) was charged with the crime your traitorous cohorts committed, figured the best course of action would be to use ventriloquism to save him from the electric chair! That’s so stupid, it’s adorable!

"I really thought ventriloquism would work!"

“I really thought ventriloquism would work!”

Anyway, now that you’ve confessed to the crimes and somehow been forgiven (because that’s totally how the justice system works), and your villainous gang is dead, and your girlfriend has dumped you for the nice guy from the bird store (although what they’ll do for money, I don’t know, since she doesn’t pickpocket any more, and he doesn’t have a job and was recently in prison), and you’ve gone back to the sideshow, I want you to know that I still love you.

But maybe you could get rid of the horrifying dummy?

But maybe you could get rid of the horrifying dummy?

No matter how ridiculous your movie was. (Maybe the talkie remake is better?)

... Never mind.

… Never mind.

 

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Rejection, rejection

September 17, 2014 at 9:53 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

So, lately I’ve been focusing on writing short fiction (which isn’t something I’ve focused on since college), and this weekend, I got TWO REJECTIONS ON THE SAME DAY.

When I voiced my unhappiness to my daughter, I mentioned that I had turned around and submitted one of the rejected stories to another magazine.

“At least you’re following your dreams, Mom,” she said in an attempt to cheer me up. “You believe in your dreams, even if no one else does.”

So, yeah, now I kind of feel like that jerk that shows up on American Idol to suck. Thanks, honey!

So, yeah, now I kind of feel like that jerk that shows up on American Idol to suck. Thanks, honey!

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Digging too deeply: Eye of the Tiger

September 16, 2014 at 10:42 am (I Overanalyze Song Lyrics) (, , , , , )

A song I really dislike right now is that Katy Perry song, Roar. But when she gets to the part where she says she’s got the eye of the tiger, all of a sudden, I’m the star of an ’80s movie. Usually I’m plucky. Probably I’m a dude. There’ll definitely be fighting. And, of course, the soundtrack, will be … Survivor.

The best thing about mullets is getting to laugh at them now that it's not the '80s anymore.

The best thing about mullets is getting to laugh at them now that it’s not the ’80s anymore.

Rising up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I’m back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

This is pretty straightforward. I’ve obviously spent some time in the hospital, probably with a broken spine, but now I’m able to walk again. I’m back on the street, I’m going the distance (like Cake!), and I’ve got the will to survive.

So many times it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

*Sniff* It’s so true! Sometimes I do trade my passion for glory. Then I’ve got all this glory and no passion! That’s why, now that I’m out of the hospital, probably walking with a cane, or maybe one of those walkers that you have to put the split tennis balls on the bottom so they don’t scrape up the floor, I have to keep my dreams alive!

Yup. It's just me and my will to survive.

Yup. It’s just me and my will to survive.

It’s the eye of the tiger
It’s the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
Stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Holy crap, there’s a tiger watching me! And I can’t flee very fast, because of my walker! I feel something, and it might by the thrill of the fight, and rising up to the challenge of my rival, but it’s possibly fear! Because I am being watched with the eye of the tiger!

STOP LOOKING AT MEEEEEE!

STOP LOOKING AT MEEEEEE!

Face to face, out in the heat
Hanging tough, staying hungry
They stack the odds still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive

OK, this doesn’t even make sense. I have no idea what I’m doing here. I was staying hungry, and then I took to the street for the kill with the skill to survive. Can anyone explain that? What is the kill with the skill to survive? Is it some kind of wily deer?

"Probably not." -- this deer

“Probably not.” — this deer

It’s the eye of the tiger
It’s the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
Stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Ohhhh, I guess it’s the eye of the tiger.
Seriously, though, does this make sense?

Rising up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

Wait, I think I’m a boxer? Or I’m in that Stephen King story that was made into a movie? No, the one with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Now I've got my will to survive AND this godawful jumpsuit.

Now I’ve got my will to survive AND this godawful jumpsuit.

It’s the eye of the tiger
It’s the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
Stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger

The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger

Dammit, Katy Perry.

Dammit, Katy Perry.

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I’d prefer to go unpunished, thank you

September 12, 2014 at 10:12 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

I don’t want to see No Good Deed.

I had a clever caption for this, but then the phone rang, and now I haven't.

I had a clever caption for this, but then the phone rang, and now I haven’t.

I don’t care how handsome Idris Elba is, or how authentic Taraji P. Henson is, I don’t want to see No Good Deed.

I mean I do care how handsome Idris Elba is, because the correct answer is "very handsome," just not in relation to this movie.

I mean I do care how handsome Idris Elba is, because the correct answer is “very handsome,” just not in relation to this movie.

It’s a movie about how you be nice to some scary dude and let him use your phone and then he decides to spend the night assaulting you and threatening your children, because NEVER TRUST ANYONE EVER AND DON’T DO NICE THINGS.

Anyway, it all just seems a little too stressful to me, like even if she beats him in the end, I know I never would, because I’m weak, and I’m cowardly, and the cops would never find my body.

... And I don't even know how to use a gun and my hair would never look that nice after a night of terror and ... *sob*

… And I don’t even know how to use a gun and my hair would never look that nice after a night of terror and … *sob*

So, yeah, I’ll be skipping No Good Deed.

But maybe I'll watch this one! Nah, I'm just kidding.

But maybe I’ll watch this one!
Nah, I’m just kidding.

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Stupid dolphins and their stupid sequels

September 12, 2014 at 9:57 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

Somebody decided to make a Dolphin Tale 2, because people love dolphins and uplifting movies about dolphins because they don’t know the real truth about dolphins.

Only jerks bite little girls on the arm.

Only jerks bite little girls on the arm.

Also, this web site exists.

Also, read this.

Now you tell me: Are these actors truly safe?

Now you tell me: Are these actors truly safe?

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Gunter vs. The Penguin

September 9, 2014 at 2:24 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

One is a magical penguin from Adventure Time.

... who plays the keyboards!

… who plays the keyboard!

The other is a guy who looks like a Penguin from the pages of your favorite Batman comics.

Your favorite Batman comics. My favorites are Grant Morrison titles.

Your favorite Batman comics. My favorites are Grant Morrison titles.

Which one’s better? Eh, it’s obviously the magical penguin, because penguins are soooo cute, and magic is really great!

Photographic evidence: Penguins are soooo cute.

Photographic evidence: Penguins are soooo cute.

But let’s try for a semblance of fairness here.

On to the battle!

Physicality. Gunter is a penguin. As previously mentioned, penguins are soooo cute. Cartoon penguins are also extremely cute. Gunter is a magical cartoon penguin, and he is soooo cute! The Penguin, on the other hand, isn’t a penguin at all, but a man who wears tuxedos and/or resembles a penguin. That’s not so cute. Winner? Gunter, the adorable magical cartoon penguin. So cute!

So many Gunters!

So many Gunters!

Eviler? The Penguin is a Batman villain and, as such, is evil. And who can blame him, really, after being born a grotesque freak who resembles a mad penguin — wouldn’t anyone turn their rage on a cruel and unloving God and a cruel and unloving world? Then again, Gunter the adorable magical penguin once met a soul-sucking demon who declared Gunter to be the most evil being he had ever come across. Look, folks, if a soul-sucking demon tells you you’re evil, you are so evil. Winner? Gunter.

Also, he steals jewels.

Also, he steals jewels.

A more dapper dresser? The penguin wears tuxedos. That’s pretty dapper. Gunter usually goes around naked, as penguins do, but once he wore a skirt made of socks. It was really cute. Gunter is really cute.

So cute!

So cute!

Winner? The Penguin.

Dapper!

Dapper!

Has a better arch-nemesis? As a resident of the magical land of Ooo, when Gunter acts up, he gets schooled by Finn the Human and Jake the Dog. I wouldn’t really call them his arch-nemeses, though. The Penguin, like all other Batman villains, has a pretty badass nemesis in Batman. Winner? The Penguin.

Is magical? Gunter the adorable magical penguin is magical! Glory be! Winner? Gunter.

Well, sometimes he's magical.

Well, sometimes he’s magical.

Lives in a post-apocalyptic world? The magical land of Ooo was built upon the crumbling remains of an empire that spanned a continent, and was possibly America. You don’t get much more post-apocalyptic than that. Gunter lives in Ooo, and also the best children’s cartoon ever, you should totally watch it. The Penguin lives in Gotham City, which is maybe New York, maybe not, but definitely pre- to mid-apocalypse rather than post-. Winner? Gunter, the magical penguin, who is totally one of my favorites.

The fun part is counting the weapons of mass destruction in the opening credits sequence.

The fun part is counting the weapons of mass destruction in the opening credits sequence.

Has a cooler attack? Gunter likes pushing glass bottles onto the ground so they break, and also sometimes pecking at you with his hideous penguin beak.

Bad penguin! Bad!

Bad penguin! Bad!

The Penguin likes strapping bombs to penguins, or maybe stabbing you with his umbrella. Winner? The Penguin, I guess, even though murdering penguins is terrible, at least his attack is more terrifying than, you know, breaking glass bottles.

Overall winner? As predicted, Gunter, the adorable magical evil penguin wins it all! Hooray! Hooray for Gunter!

Also, Gunter is probably a lady penguin, because he laid an egg.

Also, Gunter is probably a lady penguin, because he laid an egg.

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So you think you’re dating someone with ice powers: A modern teen’s guide

September 4, 2014 at 10:15 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Man, that’s a long post title.

Anyway, recently, you’ve noticed your significant other seems to be displaying some sort of ice-related powers. First off, that’s really cool! (Ha, ha, get it? Do you get it? It was a joke! Do you get it?) Secondly, which ice-powered superbeing could your significant other be?

Let’s find out, via the power of making a list!

Yea, lists!

Yea!

Yea!

1. Elsa from Frozen. Let’s just get her out of the way, shall we? If you’re dating Elsa from Frozen, you’re dating an icy blonde with anime eyes and an inferiority complex THIS BIG.

She's also got a hot sister, but hands off, you know?

She’s also got a hot sister, but hands off, you know?

2. The Ice King. If you’re dating Adventure Time’s The Ice King, then you’re a princess! Good for you.

And he's a musician ... ladies.

And he’s a musician … ladies.

3. The Snow Queen. More royalty! Just be careful, because, like the Blondie song, she’s got a heart of … wait, what is that song, anyway?

This is a picture of the Snow Queen from Fables. You should read Fables.

This is a picture of the Snow Queen from Fables. You should read Fables.

4. Mr. Freeze. Prepare yourself for cold-related puns or a tragic backstory. It really depends on which continuity you’re in.

"Whatcha doing, honey?" "Oh, just chilling."

“Whatcha doing, honey?”
“Oh, just chilling.”

5. Iceman. The X-Men’s Iceman seems like he would be a nice boy to take home to meet your parents, unless they have some sort of anti-mutant bigotry thing going on.

"Why is your boyfriend naked?" -- Your parents

“Why is your boyfriend naked?” — Your parents

6. Jack Frost. The personification of winter, before Hans Christian Anderson came along and was all: “Winter is obviously a girl, and a mean one, der!”, if you’re dating Jack Frost, and he asks you if you’re chilly, just say no.

Same goes for if he asks: "Do these pants make me look fat?"

Same goes for if he asks: “Do these pants make me look fat?”

7. Storm. Not only does Storm have snow and ice powers, she could also make a balmy day so the two of you could enjoy a relaxing picnic together. That’s nice.

Although leather gets pretty sweaty, so she might stick with snow, thank you very much.

Although leather gets pretty sweaty, so she might stick with snow, thank you very much.

8. Yuki-Onna. Oh, right, the Japanese also think Winter is a lady, but at least she’s beautiful.

Unlike other snow queens, yuki onna is always a brunette.

Unlike other snow queens, yuki onna is always a brunette.

9. Santa Claus. Santa Claus has snow powers, right?

"Sure, baby, sure."

“Sure, baby, sure.”

10. Elijah Snow. Whoa, whoa, buddy. If you’re dating Elijah Snow, you are stepping ALL OVER my territory. That’s just not cool. (It’s a joke, do you get it? Ha ha!) Seriously, though, stay away from my boy Elijah, or I will end you.

I'll always love you, Elijah Snow!

I’ll always love you, Elijah Snow!

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Kind of like a doctor

September 3, 2014 at 10:32 am (Randomosity)

So I was at a street concert the other day, and this good-sized guy (like, twice my body weight, at least) just suddenly keels over and falls down. I’m the only one that saw him go down, so I go running over to help.

“Don’t worry! I’ve got this covered! I work at a funeral home!”

I didn't actually say that. It was more like: "Can you get up? Do you need help? I can't lift you. Do you want me to call for real help?"

I didn’t actually say that. It was more like: “Can you get up? Do you need help? I can’t lift you. Do you want me to call for real help? Here, let me give you this business card, just in case.”

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