I don’t even know if this is irony:
Driving around for work today, running errands in the removal van (so called because we use it for, you know, removing dead folk from their places of death), with the radio cranked and playing the Bee Gees’ Stayin’ Alive.
My call to the circulation department of my former employer:
Me, after holding for 10 minutes at 7:30 in the morning: Hello, I’m calling because I didn’t get my paper today.
Them: What’s the address? (After I give it to her, the sound of typing.) Well, it doesn’t look like they had any problems delivering that route today.
Me: That’s very interesting. Anyway, I’m calling because I didn’t get my paper today.
Hi, y’all! I’ve got another story published online today. It’s about Martha Mansfield, a 1920s movie actress who died in a terrible accident on the set of her last movie.
There are several movies opening at my local theaters this week.
One is Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, which is cute as a children’s book, but really probably didn’t need to be extended into a full-length movie.
Another is Dracula Untold, which did anyone else know this existed? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? This is seriously the first I’ve heard of it. It sounds also very terrible. Listen to this: “An encounter with a foul demon offers Vlad a deal that would give him superhuman powers and a fighting chance to save his people. But the Faustian bargain comes with a terrible penalty — one that may curse to prince to dwell in darkness for all time, feeding on human blood and destroying everything he holds dear.”
Another is The Judge…
…which stars Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Duvall, and I’m sure is very impressive and wonderful and absolutely not my cup of tea at all, so let’s move on to the last movie:
Meet the Mormons, which has the misfortune of sounding less like the documentary it is and more like a Meet the Parents prequel.
Yea! The Supreme Court has (basically) decided that it’s unconstitutional to deny the right to marry to any two consenting adults!
Now to sit back and watch the hate-filled letters to the editor come pouring into the local newspaper!
So a TV show I’ve been wanting to avoid ever since I first started to see commercials for it is A to Z. It’s about a guy whose name starts with an A, and he falls in love with a girl whose name starts with a Z, and it’s destiny, because she was the girl in a silver dress at a concert he went to. That is exactly the romantic comedy I would not want to see if it was a movie, and that goes even moreso for a TV show, because those tend to keep going and going, long after they should be canceled.
I was happily looking forward to never watching it EVER, but then I got home late from work last night, then I exploded dinner, so then I had to start dinner over, and then by the time I got done cleaning up after dinner, my damn family had turned on the television and it was on and I was too damn tired from wiping hamburger meat off the microwave to do anything other than sit there and stare listlessly at the TV screen.
And there was A to Z, just sucking merrily along.
If you’ve seen any of the previews, it is exactly the show you thought it would be, and I’m not going to go into it right now, suffice to say if romcoms are your thing, you’ll like it, and if you feel the way I do about romcoms, then, for the love of all that’s good, tell your family next time they can clean up after dinner, you’re watching a Lon Chaney movie and that’s that.
But the thing I did want to bring up is this: Katey Sagal, if you owe somebody some money, I’m willing to help you out! I’ll give you some of my money! I’ll petition Sons of Anarchy for your better pay! Whatever it takes! Just, please, stop wasting your god-given voice artist talents on being the narrator for this show.
I feel like there’s been a lot of those recently. Rapture flicks.
Never mind. I guess one’s a TV show.
Well, anyway, this Left Behind has them all beat, and do you know why?
Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage is the answer.
Q. Would a loving God really allow a movie like Annabelle to exist?
A. The world is a cold and hard place, and God wants you to suffer.
I’m so sorry, guys! I tried to watch Gotham, really I did, because I know you count on my opinions to help you make choices about your day-to-day entertainment needs.
But the truth is: I couldn’t even make it to the credits. It was just that terrible. It was so terrible. It was really, really terrible.
So I’ll review the few minutes I watched of Gotham, because it’s either that or, ugh, work. Also, because I forgot Gotham was happening, this is a review of the first few minutes of the second episode, not the series premiere.
Gotham opened up with some very fake-looking buildings scrolling past, like the result of either the cheapest CGI ever, or a kid with some scissors, markers and cardboard. If these are actual buildings somewhere, that architect should be shot, because they just look so phony.
Then we’re in an alley and Catgirl is there. She’s Catgirl because she’s not a woman yet, that’s why.
Anyway, she’s homeless and doing your standard TV homeless routine, when all of a sudden a bus pulls up with, I think, Lili Taylor and that guy who’s in everything hopping out to offer sandwiches to the homeless kids. So of course Lili Taylor and that one guy stab the kids with needles filled with, I don’t know, date-rape drugs or something, except Catgirl because she didn’t want a sandwich, and this old dude, who gets killed by that one guy. Then one of the kids escapes, so that one guy chases him and ends up throwing him through the fakest window ever. All of this happens in front of tons of witnesses, because they are the worst criminals ever, I don’t care how corrupt the Gotham police department is.
Speaking of corrupt police, the next scene is Detective Bland White Guy Who’s An Honest Cop and his partner Donal Logue Who Is So Corrupt He Could Only Be Playing Harvey Bullock. (Side note: I couldn’t remember Harvey Bullock’s name at all, and I was tempted to go through my issues of Gotham Central to find out, but then I got distracted wondering why they didn’t just make Gotham Central into a TV series, because that would be awesome, so then I had to google it).
They show up at the crime scene with the dead old guy, and then they meet up with yet another corrupt cop, and Detective Blandy McBoringPants drops this line:
“You’re not a bad person, but you’re a bad cop.”
Like, ugh, seriously, who is writing this dialogue? Are their parents ashamed of them? I bet their parents are ashamed of them.
Then we head off to the precinct, where the kid who got thrown through the window is waiting for Detective Boring Guy and Donal Logue, and after some threats of violence and the kid proclaiming Gotham doesn’t care about homeless kids, I said, “Oh my god, this just keeps getting more terrible, I am turning off the TV until Brooklyn Nine Nine comes back on,” and then I did.
The other day, I saw the best guy.
He was riding a Gold Wing motorcycle, wearing high-top sneakers with no socks, Bermuda shorts and the best ZZ Top beard, just blowing in the wind.