The Internet thinks I’m a guy now

July 24, 2014 at 10:16 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

I’ve discovered an online tool that determines, through your writing, whether you’re a man or a woman.

(I discovered this tool due to the comments on an online literary magazine I’ve been reading: this one dude always complains when ladies write from a male point of view because their womanly words make it impossible for him to suspend his disbelief because, yuck, they’re getting their femininity all over, and he often cited this online test as a way to tell if you write like a yucky, cootie-infested girl.)

Ugh, ladies, you so nasty.

Ugh, ladies, you so nasty.

Anyway, curiosity got the better of me, and I decided to go ahead and provide some samples from my blog and my unpublished novel that agents just keep rejecting.

"Please stop writing novels, forever." -- literary agents

“Please stop writing novels, forever.” — literary agents who have read my work

And I’m a dude. My most feminine rating was “weak male.” (Which, according to the test, happens to imply that I’m European.)

Oddly enough, this post was hovering between the “weak male” rating and the “weak female” rating, until I added this line.

Yup. I’m a dude.

I guess I'd better start using the other restroom, then.

I guess I’d better start using the other restroom, then.

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He Who Gets Slapped is just, like, the best

July 22, 2014 at 12:50 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

This weekend, I watched 1924′s He Who Gets Slapped. It is one of the best movies ever, and I love it, and here’s a list of reasons why:

1. It’s got Lon Chaney without makeup in it. Or maybe it doesn’t, I don’t know.

This is maybe what Lon Chaney really looked like?

This is maybe what Lon Chaney really looked like?

2. Norma Shearer is just adorable as a horse-riding countess in the circus. Yes, she’s a countess and she rides a horse in the circus.

Time were tough for nobility, but at least she got to wear that awesome tutu.

Time were tough for nobility, but at least she got to wear that awesome tutu.

3. John Gilbert doesn’t have a mustache.

Also, and you can't see them perfectly in this image, but he has the BEST PANTS.

Also, and you can’t see them perfectly in this image, but he has the BEST PANTS.

I just don't enjoy mustaches. Or what years of heavy drinking do to people's faces.

I just don’t enjoy mustaches. Or what years of heavy drinking do to people’s faces.

4. The reason it’s called He Who Gets Slapped is because after various terrible things happen to Lon Chaney, he goes mad, and joins the circus as a clown named HE – Who Gets Slapped. Probably less awkward in the original Russian.

Lon Chaney wants you to know that everything about that last paragraph makes absolute, perfect sense.

Lon Chaney wants you to know that everything about that last paragraph makes absolute, perfect sense.

5. The actress playing Lon Chaney’s duplicitous wife has a very readable face, without overplaying. She’s all, like, subtle about her betrayal, but not so subtle you can’t tell what’s going to happen.

6. Sure, there’s clowns in it, but they’re hardly scary at all, and you know that, underneath the makeup, one of them is Lon Chaney. So that makes it all OK.

Kind of OK.

… Kind of OK.

7. The effects are pretty impressive for 1920s film. God bless those hardworking technicians, who made all my favorite special effects of black-and-white movies possible!

8. It’s kind of surreal and weird, but not so artsy-fartsy that it hurts.

9. It doesn’t have a happy ending. Some movies just don’t need them, and this is one of them.

Spoiler alert: Lon Chaney dies. Er, and also in the movie.

Spoiler alert: Lon Chaney dies.
Er, and also in the movie.

10. Last, but definitely not least, and, in fact, is the absolute best thing of all: Lon Chaney totally murders two guys with a lion. With a lion!

This lion, in fact!

This lion, in fact!

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Let’s Purge again, like we did last summer

July 18, 2014 at 11:26 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

Gosh, it seems like it was just last year that The Purge came out and … oh, it was last year?

Goddammit. Goddamn all of you. This is your fault. You went to see The Purge, and now there’s another one, and it doesn’t even have underfed Ethan Hawke in it, so if there is a third The Purge, you have no one to blame but yourselves.

I still feel like there's a decent bulimia joke to be made here.

I still feel like there’s a decent bulimia joke to be made here.

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Extant is pretty all right, yeah?

July 17, 2014 at 11:06 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , )

Seriously, the longer I continue this blog, the harder it is to right good post titles, I swear.

Extant: A decent show, but could get bad pretty quick?

Extant: A decent show, but could get bad pretty quick?

Anyway, I missed the pilot of Extant, which would have told me that Halle Berry is an astronaut and managed to get pregnant on a solo mission to outer space. Also, I will assume that you’re all bright enough to know that Extant means “to exist.”

Ha, I’m just kidding. Obviously, I didn’t assume that, since I went and defined it, like, immediately.

So, episode 2 of Extant was “Extinct,” because CBS hates when I don’t mix up words all the time. Halle Berry plays an astronaut who got pregnant on a solo mission in outer space (see, I phrased it a bit differently this time, like when a news article says the bullets missed them by only inches and then two paragraphs later says they were missed by the bullets by mere inches, local newspaper). Also, Halle Berry looks AMAZING, like, girlfriend is pushing 50, but looks more like early 30s.

Insert Dorian Gray joke here.

Insert Dorian Gray joke here.

She’s married to Goran Visnjic, whose name I can pronounce but not spell –

"Well, I find THAT hard to believe." -- Ian McKellan McKellen

“Well, I find THAT hard to believe.” — Ian McKellan McKellen

– and they have a creepy android son, who I assume was actually built for the part, because that little boy is absolutely terrifyingly android-y.

"Bleep Bloop Blorp."

“Bleep Bloop Blorp.”

Also, Camryn Manheim is in it, which is nice, and so is that guy who always plays a corrupt official and also the revenge sensei from Revenge.

This time, he seems less about revenge and more about some sort of evil plot. Which, I guess, could be for revenge, but probably actually aliens instead.

This time, he seems less about revenge and more about some sort of evil plot. Which, I guess, could be for revenge, but probably actually aliens instead.

Then there’s another astronaut who went into space and didn’t come back pregnant, because he’s a guy, and this show isn’t that science fiction-y, but there’s a truly creepy bit where he’s being followed around on the spaceship or space station or the Good Ship Bebop or whatever by his dead mother. She doesn’t do anything except say “Mother? No,” in this utterly affectless voice, and reach out to try to touch him, and it’s really quite terrifying.

But then he airlocks her like she’s yesterday’s Cylon model, so it’s okay.

"I'd have done it sooner, but he shows promise." -- President Roslin

“I’d have done it sooner, but he shows promise.” — President Roslin

Oh, also, he apparently faked his death and is possibly crazy now.

Except the corrupt official and the revenge sensei meet regarding the two astronauts and have a very cryptic meeting wherein the corrupt official says, “They’re coming,” and revenge sensei replies: “They’re already here.”

Spooooooky!

But seriously, folks, Extant had me intrigued almost the whole time, and was hardly ever ridiculously bad or boringly bad, and honestly, I’m not sure I couldn’t watch a show where Goran Visnjic is just so smiley and cute, dammit.

"You actually have been spelling my name right. Ian McKellen is ashamed of you." -- Goran  Visnijc

“You actually have been spelling my name right. Ian McKellen is ashamed of you.” — Goran Visnjic

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Um, squeeee very much, thank you!

July 11, 2014 at 1:18 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes!

Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes!

Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes!

I'm so excited, I managed to spell "McKellen" right for once!

I’m so excited, I managed to spell “McKellen” right for once!

 

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Sooo busy!

July 3, 2014 at 9:46 am (Randomosity) ()

It’s been a busy week at work, and all I’ve got time for is this photo of Benedict Cumberbatch to tide me over till next week. I mean: You. This photo of Benedict Cumberbatch to tide you over till next week.

Don't worry, everyone! I still have an obsession!

Don’t worry, everyone! I still have an obsession!

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Snowpiercer looks so good, y’all

June 27, 2014 at 11:31 am (Things I Want) (, )

I want to see Snowpiercer. I want to see Snowpiercer so bad. I want to live in a state that will be getting Snowpiercer, so I could go see it. I want one of you to go and see it and record it on your cell phone and send it to me and I will watch it, out-of-focus, popcorn-crunching and all.

In the future, everyone lives on a train and Captain America has to save the day and it looks SO AWESOME.

In the future, everyone lives on a train and Captain America has to save the day and it looks SO AWESOME.

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Good Lord, how many Transformers movies do we even need?

June 27, 2014 at 9:29 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

The best thing I can say about the new Transformers movie is that they finally got rid of that plagiarizing piece of bad actor Shia LaBeouf.

"The best thing I can say about the new Transformers movie is that they finally got rid of that plagiarizing piece of bad actor Shia LaBeouf." -- Shia LaBeouf

“The best thing I can say about the new Transformers movie is that they finally got rid of that plagiarizing piece of bad actor Shia LaBeouf.” — Shia LaBeouf

The worst thing I can say about the new Transformers movie is that they replaced him with Marky-Mark.

I still have a hard time believing Marky Mark has a legitimate acting career.

I know he’s been an actor forever, but I still have a hard time believing Marky-Mark has a legitimate acting career.

So, basically, I’m telling you a new Transformers movie exists. Do with that information what you will.

Just know that one of your options means I hate you.

Just know that choosing “go to the movie” means I hate you.

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It wasn’t as bad as I hoped

June 26, 2014 at 1:09 pm (Randomosity) (, , , )

Taxi Brooklyn, that is. I was hoping it would be just awful, like my last summer’s best show, whatever that was called, but it was pretty okay.

And also based on a movie I didn't know existed.

And also based on a movie I didn’t know existed.

First off, the cop lady who’s a bad driver has a murdered detective dad and a slutty mom, so she’s got ISSUES, but it’s okay, because she is just so adorable with her little pixie haircut. Then our taxi driver is Mr. Smooth Talker Guy from France with an adorable little boy and a prison record but THIS TIME HE’S INNOCENT (spoiler alert: this time he is totally innocent) and if our lady cop ever needs him, she should just call.

I'm sorry, but, yes, my heart absolutely went "pitter-pat" when he said that.

I’m sorry, but, yes, my heart absolutely went “pitter-pat” when he said that.

Anyway, they spend the whole first episode trying to prove the taxi driver innocent, except our hero the cop lady doesn’t think he is innocent, but then she thinks he is and then she tries to smooth-talk her ex-hubby into not deporting him, and also she’s getting mysterious texts about her murdered daddy. Sadly, despite her cute haircut, she’s kind of a boring character. Luckily, Mr. Handsome Taxi Driver Guy with a French Accent is totally fun and interesting, even if his taxi-driving buddy is a total gay stereotype instead of just a Taxi Driver Who is Gay, which would be, I think, more interesting. Also, there’s a Lady Coroner or Somebody, and then the lady cop’s Godfather Who is Also Her Boss, and I already mentioned The Cheating Ex-Husband Who is Probably FBI.

That's a whole lotta cast.

That’s a whole lotta cast.

So, yeah, it’s not a bad show, but it would probably be better if it were. You know?

C'mon, show! You could've been just so terrible.

C’mon, show! You could’ve been just so terrible.

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Days of Future Past doesn’t even make sense, title-wise

June 22, 2014 at 1:14 pm (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , , , )

I finally saw the new X-Men movie. I know you’re all deeply happy for me, and want to hear all about it. But what can I say that hasn’t been said by reviewers who saw it much, much earlier than I did?

Well, plenty, actually! Here’s some random observations about Days of Future Past.

First off, remember when I saw X-Men: First Class, and I just couldn’t wait to find out what happened to all the cool mutants? Well, it turns out they died offscreen, especially Banshee, because no one wants me or Caleb Landry Jones to be happy.

Holy cow, he is so immensely pretty, I want to put a dress on him.

Except maybe his stylist.

Kitty Pryde’s ability to send people’s consciousness (es?) back to the past is never explained, but it’s probably okay because poor old Shadowcat has some difficulty understanding how time works because she talks about Wolverine’s consciousness flipping back and forth between the “past and the future,” because she clearly forgot she already lives in the future, thus making it the present.

Man, I can't even tell if this is the future or not anymore.

“Man, I can’t even tell if this is the future or not anymore.”

Speaking of Kitty Pryde, I can now understand all the complaints about not having her go back in time like in the original comic that I never read, because holy crap the past is a total sausage fest. (Related story: When I made the mistake of describing the movie in those terms to my mother, she was horrified: “Is that appropriate for your daughter?” “Well, I’d agree that women definitely deserve more representation in the film industry and … oh, you thought it was some sort of porn thing, didn’t you?”) The only lady mutant in the past is Mystique, and all the boys love her, even Magneto, who’s also trying to murder her. Also, I’m not sure she even counts as a lady, because she spends about half the movie disguised as various men.

Pictured here: Apparently not what my mother thinks is a sausage fest.

Man, just look at all that sausage!

Thanks to Wolverine’s trip back to the ’70s, we now know he travels commando. Also, that a naked ass shot must be included in Hugh Jackman’s contract, because his ass is a thing of magnificent beauty that should be shown to all. (Related story: As my daughter and I were discussing Hugh Jackman’s fine, naked ass, we were coming up with synonyms for the word “butt,” including “gluteus maximus,” which led to me saying “And his gluteus certainly is maximus,” which led to my daughter saying she wants to live with her father now because please stop talking mommy.)

"Imma have to hurt you now. I'm sorry, but the chafing makes me so angry."

“Imma have to hurt you now. I’m sorry, but the chafing makes me so angry.”

I was actually surprised when Storm died, even though everybody said that Storm died, I just wasn’t expecting it right then, but as she fell to her doom, I had to wonder: Who wears spike heels in a dystopian future?

I'd tell her to run, but she wouldn't get very far in those heels, anyway.

I’d tell her to run, but she wouldn’t get very far in those heels, anyway.

My daughter and I agreed that Blink was the best mutant in the future, and also that Fan Bingbing is very pretty.

Gosh, just so pretty.

Gosh, just so pretty.

Quicksilver was the best mutant in the past, even if he didn’t realize he was jailbreaking his own dad, and where was his twin sister The Scarlet Witch? The only reference to his parentage was an oblique reference to his mother having known a guy who could manipulate metal back in the day.

You know, the special effects were good, but maybe they could've done a little more work on his ridiculous hair?

You know, the special effects were good, but maybe they could’ve done a little more work on his ridiculous hair?

Peter Dinklage has a beautiful, beautiful voice, and I think someone should make a movie with him and Caleb Landry Jones just talking and being awesome, and maybe throw some ladies in there, all right, Hollywood?

Besides, ladies appreciate a well-dressed man like Mssr. Dinklage here.

Besides, ladies appreciate a well-dressed man like Mssr. Dinklage here.

So there you go. It was a decent movie, and if I think about it too hard, I’ll probably find many, many things wrong with it other than SERIOUSLY CAST SOME WOMEN DAMMIT, but it was perfectly serviceable, and at least Young Magneto did stuff.

Like wearing this fabulous hat.

Like wearing this fabulous hat.

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