The thing about the Hunger Games is I can’t get worked up about them one way or another, like I’m not going to see the movies because I have this thing about children being murdered (I hate it, if you were wondering), but I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to see them (because who doesn’t want to watch movies with Donald Sutherland in them), so I’m, I guess, ambivalent, and probably shouldn’t have wasted this precious Internet space with a post.
Because they both have pink hair, and because I haven’t done a fictional character battle in ages, that’s why.
Anyway, Princess Bubblegum is a character in Adventure Time, one of the best cartoons ever, and Strawberry Shortcake, I think, was in a cartoon in the ’80s, and then again later, but mostly existed to sell scented dolls to little girls.
Which one is better?
Need I even ask?
On to the battle!
Physicality. Princess Bubblegum is a tall willowy sort who is made out of bubblegum. Strawberry Shortcake is short, kind of stout, and possibly made out of strawberry shortcake, or else why would she smell like that? Winner? Princess Bubblegum.
Rules a land of living confectioneries? Princess Bubblegum is the ruler of the Candy Kingdom, a kingdom she created by making people out of candy and somehow giving them life. She’s basically a god. Strawberry Shortcake lives in a world populated by living cupcakes and stuff, I think. I don’t know. I only pinked her because they both have pink hair. Anyway, the winner by a technicality is Princess Bubblegum, because she is absolutely a princess.
Might have dated a lovely lady vampire? Princess Bubblegum might have dated Marceline the Vampire Queen. In fact, she probably did. And if she didn’t, maybe she should, because they would make a totally cute couple. Strawberry Shortcake has never met a lovely lady vampire, let alone dated one. Winner? Princess Bubblegum.
Smells like strawberry shortcake? I feel kind of bad for Strawberry Shortcake as she endures this rout. Here’s a gimme category for her.
Sells more merchandise? And another, because there are seriously not enough Adventure Time toys, I want all of them!! Winner? Strawberry Shortcake.
Has issues with power? Princess Bubblegum is a benevolent dictator. Sometimes she does bad things, but it’s for the good of her people. Like when she created an immortal sphinx that went mad or when she brought about a zombie apocalypse (twice) or when she had the robots that used to guard the candy kingdom destroyed or maybe I should just stop now, because she’s not coming across all that well. Strawberry Shortcake is not a power-mad despot, and god bless her for it. Winner? Princess Bubblegum.
Overall winner, because it’s time for lunch? Princess Bubblegum.
Finally! The gay marriage ban has been lifted in my state! Suck it, bigots!
(She shouted, maturely.)
So I dreamed I was on this romantic date with John Constantine from Hellblazer.
When I woke up, I was all like, “Huh — what? Like I’ve got some sort of thing for unpleasant British men in trenchcoats?”
Anyway, even after the demons attacked us, it was still the best date I’ve been on in quite a while.
I haven’t been able to think of a single funny thing all week, and I apologize.
To cheer everyone up, here’s a photo of a Robo hamster:
Yeah, so, Benedict Cumberbatch is totally engaged and all and, to celebrate, here’s a photo of an attractive celebrity.
Because I’m nothing if not fickle, that’s why.
After having to listen to small children sing Feliz Navidad repeatedly, I made the mistake of complaining that I dislike the song to a woman I know.
“It just means ‘Merry Christmas’ in Spanish,” she replied, horrified.
“THAT’S what it means? And all along, I had no idea that this song, often played at Christmas, had anything to do with Christmas, despite my being able to speak Spanish, if not fluently, at least well enough to know when I’m being called a pubic hair. Thank you so much for telling me. This changes everything, especially the way the insipid melody and the moronic lyrics irritate me. I love this song now! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU,” is what I didn’t say.
You want to dress up for Halloween, but you don’t know if you’ll be mistaken for a horrible, horrible bigot? Well, here’s a handy guide to help you figure out is your costume racist or not.
1. You’re going as a sexy Indian. That’s, yeah, kind of racist.
2. You’re going in a sheet with eyeholes cut out. There’s two kinds of sheets with eyeholes cut out.
Choose the good kind.
3. You’re going in blackface. Please don’t go in blackface. It doesn’t matter how you intend it, blackface has a terrible, terrible history, and you’ll be wearing all that history on your face.
4. You’re going as a sexy Geisha. I’ll admit I love Geisha costumes, because real kimono are just too hard for me to put on properly. But is it racist? Let’s just say it’s appropriating another culture. Do it with respect.
5. You’re going as a superhero. Probably not racist, but it kind of depends on the superhero.
6. You’re going as a sexy gangster. Gangsters weren’t really that sexy. They had all sorts of dental problems, and didn’t shower much from being on the run. That said? Not so racist.
7. You’re going in a sombrero. I guess I understand if you have a sombrero just hanging around the house and you’re like, what else am I going to do with it, but for God’s sake, don’t go all-out stereotype, and you should be okay.
8. You’re going to wear a turban. Why would you do that? You’re terrible.
9. You’re going as Elsa from Frozen. Not racist, but maybe pick something else, because there are already millions of 5-year-old girls wearing your costume.
10. You’re going as Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. Not racist, but you’re dressed up as a pedophile serial killer so, you know, there’s that.
I want someone to write a sci-fi show that I enjoy, because they will obviously hire Bear McCreary to do the music for it, because I just don’t want to watch The Walking Dead and Constantine.
On Friday, I watched Constantine.
I have two nice things to say about it: 1) It was better than Gotham. 2) At least John Constantine was blonde, British and wearing a trench coat.
So you see? I can be nice.
But I don’t wanna anymore, so here’s all the things that were terrible about it.
Like, I know it’s sad that the girl who was supposed to play the female lead got fired, because it’s sad when people lose their jobs, but it’s kind of less sad when they’re not very good at their jobs and, well, she kind of wasn’t so good. I’m sorry that’s so wishy-washy. I do feel bad for her, but … maybe it was just the character?
Anyway, the special effects weren’t great, except for this bit with Harold Perrineau As An Angel and some raindrops, but what was really bad was the only story. Like, John Constantine has gotten himself put in a mental hospital, where they try to cure him of being an exorcist, except he really is an exorcist, so it’s kind of ridiculous. And I’ll admit right now that I only really followed Hellblazer when Brian Azzarello was writing it (I didn’t even enjoy the Garth Ennis run, and I love Garth Ennis), so if this was a real plotline from the comic book, well — maybe it played out better on the page?
So, right, John Constantine gets a message from a dead guy, who possesses some girl at the mental hospital, because she’s LEFT ALL ALONE IN A GIANT ROOM AT A MENTAL HOSPITAL THAT NEVER HAPPENS TV, GOD, and off he goes to have adventures. Kind of boring adventures. Oh, and we learn he’s tormented because he let a little girl get sentenced to hell, like, how bad was that little girl, right?
John Constantine’s boring adventures involve the actress who isn’t the female lead anymore because she got fired, and they’re barely worth mentioning, except if you’re possessed by a demon or an angel, you have to wear terrible contacts, and Chaz shows up, which is good news, and then there’s this bit thrown in at the end where they’re all like: Oh, right, so we fired that one chick, now we have to write a scene explaining why the character never shows up anymore, when everything else in this episode was leading up to her hanging round all the time, and then John Constantine is in an alleyway with a bunch of guys with guns and his hands are on fire…
…and then there’s some lady who was clearly working for Vertigo, because all she’s drawing is Hellblazer covers.
And then it’s over, and you’re all like, well, that wasn’t worth a whole hour of my Friday, but then you’re like, but what else was I going to do anyway, it’s not like I go anywhere anymore, and then you think maybe you should sign up on a dating web site like your brother wants you to.