There’s robots in my house now

July 25, 2014 at 11:15 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) (, )

My mother bought my daughter a Furby Boom.

“You can have it, as long as you keep that thing away from me,” I told my daughter.

“Oh, your mother just has some strange ideas,” my mother said.

But I don’t think it’s strange to have a healthy dose of fear about a robot monster that adapts and learns, and also has multiple personalities.

There is nothing cute about you at all, you hideous beast.

There is nothing cute about you at all, you hideous beast.

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Lucy is driving me nuts

July 25, 2014 at 10:31 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

Lucy might be a good flick, I guess. It’s got Scarlett Johansson doing her sexy badass thing, which people are definitely into, so that’s promising.

I mean, she's not my cup of tea, but some people are into hot blondes with awesome figures, I suppose.

I mean, she’s not my cup of tea, but some people are into hot blondes with awesome figures, I suppose.

But why — WHY — couldn’t at some point someone working on the movie itself pointed out that “people only use 10 percent of their brains” is a bunch of hooey and, thus, the entire premise of the movie is INCREDIBLY FLAWED, which makes it, just, beyond stupid.

It's like picking your nose and then saying we only use 10 percent of our fingers.

It’s like picking your nose and then saying we only use 10 percent of our fingers.

Every time I see the trailer, when I hear Morgan Freeman say, “People only use 10 percent of their brains,” I scream: “NO THAT IS INCORRECT AND IF AN IDIOT LIKE ME KNOWS IT THEN A SCIENTIST SHOULD DEFINITELY KNOW IT THIS WHOLE PREMISE IS FLAWED AAAAGGGGHHHHHHH.”

Even the stupid poster is saying it GAHHHHH.

Even the stupid poster is saying it GAHHHHH.

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The Internet thinks I’m a guy now

July 24, 2014 at 10:16 am (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now)

I’ve discovered an online tool that determines, through your writing, whether you’re a man or a woman.

(I discovered this tool due to the comments on an online literary magazine I’ve been reading: this one dude always complains when ladies write from a male point of view because their womanly words make it impossible for him to suspend his disbelief because, yuck, they’re getting their femininity all over, and he often cited this online test as a way to tell if you write like a yucky, cootie-infested girl.)

Ugh, ladies, you so nasty.

Ugh, ladies, you so nasty.

Anyway, curiosity got the better of me, and I decided to go ahead and provide some samples from my blog and my unpublished novel that agents just keep rejecting.

"Please stop writing novels, forever." -- literary agents

“Please stop writing novels, forever.” — literary agents who have read my work

And I’m a dude. My most feminine rating was “weak male.” (Which, according to the test, happens to imply that I’m European.)

Oddly enough, this post was hovering between the “weak male” rating and the “weak female” rating, until I added this line.

Yup. I’m a dude.

I guess I'd better start using the other restroom, then.

I guess I’d better start using the other restroom, then.

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He Who Gets Slapped is just, like, the best

July 22, 2014 at 12:50 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

This weekend, I watched 1924′s He Who Gets Slapped. It is one of the best movies ever, and I love it, and here’s a list of reasons why:

1. It’s got Lon Chaney without makeup in it. Or maybe it doesn’t, I don’t know.

This is maybe what Lon Chaney really looked like?

This is maybe what Lon Chaney really looked like?

2. Norma Shearer is just adorable as a horse-riding countess in the circus. Yes, she’s a countess and she rides a horse in the circus.

Time were tough for nobility, but at least she got to wear that awesome tutu.

Time were tough for nobility, but at least she got to wear that awesome tutu.

3. John Gilbert doesn’t have a mustache.

Also, and you can't see them perfectly in this image, but he has the BEST PANTS.

Also, and you can’t see them perfectly in this image, but he has the BEST PANTS.

I just don't enjoy mustaches. Or what years of heavy drinking do to people's faces.

I just don’t enjoy mustaches. Or what years of heavy drinking do to people’s faces.

4. The reason it’s called He Who Gets Slapped is because after various terrible things happen to Lon Chaney, he goes mad, and joins the circus as a clown named HE – Who Gets Slapped. Probably less awkward in the original Russian.

Lon Chaney wants you to know that everything about that last paragraph makes absolute, perfect sense.

Lon Chaney wants you to know that everything about that last paragraph makes absolute, perfect sense.

5. The actress playing Lon Chaney’s duplicitous wife has a very readable face, without overplaying. She’s all, like, subtle about her betrayal, but not so subtle you can’t tell what’s going to happen.

6. Sure, there’s clowns in it, but they’re hardly scary at all, and you know that, underneath the makeup, one of them is Lon Chaney. So that makes it all OK.

Kind of OK.

… Kind of OK.

7. The effects are pretty impressive for 1920s film. God bless those hardworking technicians, who made all my favorite special effects of black-and-white movies possible!

8. It’s kind of surreal and weird, but not so artsy-fartsy that it hurts.

9. It doesn’t have a happy ending. Some movies just don’t need them, and this is one of them.

Spoiler alert: Lon Chaney dies. Er, and also in the movie.

Spoiler alert: Lon Chaney dies.
Er, and also in the movie.

10. Last, but definitely not least, and, in fact, is the absolute best thing of all: Lon Chaney totally murders two guys with a lion. With a lion!

This lion, in fact!

This lion, in fact!

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Let’s Purge again, like we did last summer

July 18, 2014 at 11:26 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

Gosh, it seems like it was just last year that The Purge came out and … oh, it was last year?

Goddammit. Goddamn all of you. This is your fault. You went to see The Purge, and now there’s another one, and it doesn’t even have underfed Ethan Hawke in it, so if there is a third The Purge, you have no one to blame but yourselves.

I still feel like there's a decent bulimia joke to be made here.

I still feel like there’s a decent bulimia joke to be made here.

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Extant is pretty all right, yeah?

July 17, 2014 at 11:06 am (Randomosity) (, , , , , , , )

Seriously, the longer I continue this blog, the harder it is to right good post titles, I swear.

Extant: A decent show, but could get bad pretty quick?

Extant: A decent show, but could get bad pretty quick?

Anyway, I missed the pilot of Extant, which would have told me that Halle Berry is an astronaut and managed to get pregnant on a solo mission to outer space. Also, I will assume that you’re all bright enough to know that Extant means “to exist.”

Ha, I’m just kidding. Obviously, I didn’t assume that, since I went and defined it, like, immediately.

So, episode 2 of Extant was “Extinct,” because CBS hates when I don’t mix up words all the time. Halle Berry plays an astronaut who got pregnant on a solo mission in outer space (see, I phrased it a bit differently this time, like when a news article says the bullets missed them by only inches and then two paragraphs later says they were missed by the bullets by mere inches, local newspaper). Also, Halle Berry looks AMAZING, like, girlfriend is pushing 50, but looks more like early 30s.

Insert Dorian Gray joke here.

Insert Dorian Gray joke here.

She’s married to Goran Visnjic, whose name I can pronounce but not spell –

"Well, I find THAT hard to believe." -- Ian McKellan McKellen

“Well, I find THAT hard to believe.” — Ian McKellan McKellen

– and they have a creepy android son, who I assume was actually built for the part, because that little boy is absolutely terrifyingly android-y.

"Bleep Bloop Blorp."

“Bleep Bloop Blorp.”

Also, Camryn Manheim is in it, which is nice, and so is that guy who always plays a corrupt official and also the revenge sensei from Revenge.

This time, he seems less about revenge and more about some sort of evil plot. Which, I guess, could be for revenge, but probably actually aliens instead.

This time, he seems less about revenge and more about some sort of evil plot. Which, I guess, could be for revenge, but probably actually aliens instead.

Then there’s another astronaut who went into space and didn’t come back pregnant, because he’s a guy, and this show isn’t that science fiction-y, but there’s a truly creepy bit where he’s being followed around on the spaceship or space station or the Good Ship Bebop or whatever by his dead mother. She doesn’t do anything except say “Mother? No,” in this utterly affectless voice, and reach out to try to touch him, and it’s really quite terrifying.

But then he airlocks her like she’s yesterday’s Cylon model, so it’s okay.

"I'd have done it sooner, but he shows promise." -- President Roslin

“I’d have done it sooner, but he shows promise.” — President Roslin

Oh, also, he apparently faked his death and is possibly crazy now.

Except the corrupt official and the revenge sensei meet regarding the two astronauts and have a very cryptic meeting wherein the corrupt official says, “They’re coming,” and revenge sensei replies: “They’re already here.”

Spooooooky!

But seriously, folks, Extant had me intrigued almost the whole time, and was hardly ever ridiculously bad or boringly bad, and honestly, I’m not sure I couldn’t watch a show where Goran Visnjic is just so smiley and cute, dammit.

"You actually have been spelling my name right. Ian McKellen is ashamed of you." -- Goran  Visnijc

“You actually have been spelling my name right. Ian McKellen is ashamed of you.” — Goran Visnjic

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Um, squeeee very much, thank you!

July 11, 2014 at 1:18 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes!

Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes!

Ian McKellen as Sherlock Holmes!

I'm so excited, I managed to spell "McKellen" right for once!

I’m so excited, I managed to spell “McKellen” right for once!

 

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Sooo busy!

July 3, 2014 at 9:46 am (Randomosity) ()

It’s been a busy week at work, and all I’ve got time for is this photo of Benedict Cumberbatch to tide me over till next week. I mean: You. This photo of Benedict Cumberbatch to tide you over till next week.

Don't worry, everyone! I still have an obsession!

Don’t worry, everyone! I still have an obsession!

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Snowpiercer looks so good, y’all

June 27, 2014 at 11:31 am (Things I Want) (, )

I want to see Snowpiercer. I want to see Snowpiercer so bad. I want to live in a state that will be getting Snowpiercer, so I could go see it. I want one of you to go and see it and record it on your cell phone and send it to me and I will watch it, out-of-focus, popcorn-crunching and all.

In the future, everyone lives on a train and Captain America has to save the day and it looks SO AWESOME.

In the future, everyone lives on a train and Captain America has to save the day and it looks SO AWESOME.

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Good Lord, how many Transformers movies do we even need?

June 27, 2014 at 9:29 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

The best thing I can say about the new Transformers movie is that they finally got rid of that plagiarizing piece of bad actor Shia LaBeouf.

"The best thing I can say about the new Transformers movie is that they finally got rid of that plagiarizing piece of bad actor Shia LaBeouf." -- Shia LaBeouf

“The best thing I can say about the new Transformers movie is that they finally got rid of that plagiarizing piece of bad actor Shia LaBeouf.” — Shia LaBeouf

The worst thing I can say about the new Transformers movie is that they replaced him with Marky-Mark.

I still have a hard time believing Marky Mark has a legitimate acting career.

I know he’s been an actor forever, but I still have a hard time believing Marky-Mark has a legitimate acting career.

So, basically, I’m telling you a new Transformers movie exists. Do with that information what you will.

Just know that one of your options means I hate you.

Just know that choosing “go to the movie” means I hate you.

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