Denise Crosby’s career: the next generation
Was that too much of a stretch for a Star Trek joke? It was, wasn’t it.
Eh, I could've done a play on "Make it so," so really, we all got off lucky.
Anyway, nerds of a certain age will remember Denise Crosby as the taser-wielding Lt. Tasha Yar from Star Trek: The Next Generation. You younger nerds can get off my lawn.
But what happened to Ms. Crosby after she left ST:TNG for greener pastures? Where did she goooooooo?
Well, according to IMDB, Denise Crosby forms part of the extensive Crosby family dynasty, a dynasty of which I was heretofore unaware. (Did I use heretofore correctly? Will anyone know if I didn’t?) The daughter of entertainer Dennis Crosby (yeah, I’ve never heard of him before now either), her first role was as an uncredited party guest in 10.
Sadly, I have no hilarious commentary on the existence of 10.
A year later, she got a role on Days of Our Lives. In 1982, it was on to a role in Trail of the Pink Panther, which I don’t think you should bother watching because Peter Sellers was dead by then.
There's a lot of movies you shouldn't bother watching because Peter Sellers is dead.
The early ’80s also brought loads of fun stuff, like the TV movie Cocaine: One Man’s Seduction, like don’t you feel bad for the people who have to come up with these titles? “Look, Bob, we need to make it clear this is a C-List made-for-TV flick. What’ve ya got?”
I see your coke-addicted Dennis Weaver ...
... And raise you a feathery-haired James Spader.
Of course, you’ve got 1983’s The Man Who Loved Women, which should have been alternately titled Which is Every Guy Except for the Gay Ones and 1985’s Malice in Wonderland (made for TV movie).
The late ’80s brought a guest role on L.A. Law, which was a pretty big deal at the time, and also a role as the wife in Pet Sematary, which I totally didn’t realize was her.
I'll go ahead and just say it was because the headband threw me off.
Also in the late 1980s, she was in Star Trek: The Next Generation, which I already mentioned. She left after 22 episodes, because her character had been kind of pushed to the background, but came back in later years to play her character’s daughter and also alternate reality or time-travel versions of Tasha Yar. I had already stopped watching at that point, so I really don’t remember this at all.
Here's a picture of Tasha Yar, though.
The early ’90s brought a lot of guest roles on TV series I’ve never heard of and don’t feel like listing, except for The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., because it had Bruce Campbell in it.
I will never stop telling you people that Bruce Campbell is a god until he agrees to officiate my wedding. If I ever have a wedding.
She was also in the Red Shoe Diaries, just like David Duchovny and Sheryl Lee!
Young David Duchovny has nice cheekbones.
Later, she had a role on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Diagnosis Murder and Baywatch, which is great. In 1998, she had a role in a movie called Divorce: A Contemporary Western, proving that titles are hard no matter what the genre.
Speaking of David Duchovny, she also had a guest part on the X-Files after it had started sucking, so no wonder I never noticed. She was also on JAG and Judging Amy and Crossing Jordan, but I never saw those shows, so I don’t care.
OK, fine, I watched a few episodes of Crossing Jordan when there was nothing else on, but that is it, I swear.
This is getting a little long here, because apparently Denise Crosby has been working steadily for quiet a while, and I just didn’t notice, so we’ll wrap things up by saying she’s had roles on Dexter, Mad Men, Prison Break and most recently Southland, so I guess if I wanted to know what Denise Crosby was up to lately, I would watch more television.
So there you go. Tasha Yar is not only still acting, she is, in fact, flourishing.
And she looks GREAT.
And I don’t believe Axl was his real name either
So, Guns N’ Roses, right? You remember them? The way they combined the sensitivity of roses with the manliness of guns? And their lead singer was (is?) Axl Rose.
And lately, he’s gotten really, really fat.
Let’s find out why, or at least laugh at him for his metabolism change, eh?
So Axl was born in 1962 as William Bruce Rose Jr., which means I was right about the whole “Axl isn’t his real name” thing, so huzzah for me! Then the tragedy begins. Axl’s dad abandoned the family when l’il Axl was only 2 years old. His mother then met Stephen Bailey and married him, so l’il Axl became known as William Bruce Bailey. Bailey, apparently, was quite abusive, and so when Axl discovered the existence of his birth father, he reclaimed Rose for his own, but went by W. Rose so as not to be identified by a family abandoner.
Axl Rose’s early life is sadder than I thought.
For comparison: Oliver Twist.
Moving right along, Axl dropped out of school and started on the path to a life of crime. Unlike the rest of us, who are either currently in jail or criminal masterminds, his course was changed by the calling of musical stardom. Adopting the name W. Axl Rose after a band he was in, “Axl” or possibly “AXL,” because why would anyone spell axle that way?, Rose headed to LA. Which is weird, because I thought that’s where movie stars ran away to, not rock stars. Rose was in a variety of bands with increasingly ridiculous names, from Rapidfire to Rose to L.A. Guns to Hollywood Rose. I guess I shouldn’t laugh because I like a band called Frightened Rabbit.
Is it just me, or is Frightened Rabbit shorter than you expected too?
Then, in 1985, L.A. Guns and Hollywood Rose merged to become Guns N’ Roses. So that totally explains the name, but not why they didn’t spell out “and” or at least use an ampersand.
But not this one.
In 1987, they released Appetite for Destruction, which catapulted the band’s members to fame: Axl, Slash, the rest of them.
Er, yeah, who WERE the rest of those guys anyway?
Being so very famous and rich, Axl was quoted as saying this in Rolling Stone: “I was looked down on for being a poor kid that doesn’t know shit, and now I’m like, a rich, successful asshole.” (He was more self-aware than anyone had ever realized!)
Anyway, as the years went on, tensions rose and everybody started hating each other and Rose withdrew from the public view. Also, people stopped listening to Guns N’ Roses, except for my friend at work. Hi, friend! The band apparently never really broke up, but that didn’t really matter since Rose never left his mansion in Malibu.
But why would you leave your mansion in Malibu anyway?
Then some more stuff happened, but I don’t really care (worst biographer ever) and then the band released an album in 2008 and went on tour. (On a related note, a thing I’ve learned about Axl Rose is that it doesn’t matter how late he shows up for a concert, he will be pissed if you throw shit at him.)
Actually, the worst biographer ever is the jerk who wrote this book, because who quotes their subject from “Beyond”? Assholes, that’s who.
So apparently what happened to Axl Rose is that he is still the lead singer of Guns N’ Roses and time makes fatties of us all.
Yes, he was thin then, but I still think he should put on a damn shirt or do some crunches.
Hollywood Hates Me 