Gillian Anderson’s on the market, y’all!
… And she’s none too picky about gender!
Does this mean my dreams of a date with Scully could finally be realized???
Is it okay if we talk about Buster Keaton movies a lot, Agent Scully? I hope it’s okay if we talk about Buster Keaton movies a lot.
So you think you need photos of Buster Keaton: a gallery
I love Buster Keaton, and you all should too.
Here’s 10 pictures of him that are really great.
1. Buster Keaton looks good in a kitten hat.
I can’t decide who’s cuter.
2. Buster Keaton looks good in a swimsuit.
I want to go swimming so bad right now.
3. Buster didn’t need no stinkin’ chairs.
He took his calls by balancing on the wall, like all good people do.
4. He was a man of many talents.
Pictured here, playing the … ruler?
5. He’d bring you flowers.
She loves me. She loves me not. Don’t be silly, Buster. She’d do anything for you!
6. He directed most of his own films.
But not this one, because MGM ruined him.
7. Buster Keaton looked good with a puppy in his pants.
Is that a puppy in your pocket or are you just …. No, wait, that’s a puppy.
8. He cleans up good.
His hair is just so tously!
9. He loves animals and animals love him.
I love how they have, basically, the same expression on their faces.
10. He loves Lon Chaney as much as we do.
Also, I could write epic poetry about those arms.
Damn Swedish singers and their unpronounceable names
I don’t like listening to Lykke Li, because how do you say her name?
Is it Leaky?
Like-Key?
Lick?
And that’s just assuming Li is pronounced Lee!
“What am I listening to? L- L — Oh … nothing.”
(Seriously, though, Lykke Li is very talented and I enjoy her music very much, but HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE HER NAME?)
(Oh, and shut up, I already saw that the wikipedia entry has a pronunciation, but what the hell are those symbols, anyway?
Vital statistics are pretty boring
Part of my job is inputting vital statistics for death certificates. Because I live in Eastern Montana, the answer for race is, 9.9 times out of 10, white. (If you’ve never been to Eastern Montana, bring your sunglasses — it’s pasty out here.)
Today, though, I got to input a lady’s ancestry of English, Irish and Scottish.
She was, quite possibly, the whitest person OF ALL.
Bob Belcher vs. Sterling Malory Archer
It’s a battle of veritable cartoon giants! Mostly because I wanted to use the word “veritable”!
In one corner, you’ve got restaurateur Bob Belcher. In the other corner, you’ve got superspy Sterling Archer. What could these two gents possibly have in common?
Outside of gorgeous voices, not bloody much.
I would just like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to H. Jon Benjamin.
I mean, one guy runs a restaurant and one guy’s an international man of mystery! They have, almost literally, nothing in common!
Anyway, on to the possibly lopsided battle!
Physicality. Bob Belcher has a glorious, glorious mustache. I like using the word glorious to describe facial hair. Maybe you could tell. He’s a tad overweight and going a bit bald in back, and he seems pretty hairy. Sterling Archer has a strong jawline, jet-black hair and a cartoon physique to kill for. He would be the most attractive cartoon man ever, except Spike Spiegel exists. Winner? Spike Spiegel, because he’s the handsomest cartoon ever, and I will always love him.
I would like to take this opportunity to pledge my undying love to Spike Spiegel.
Look, folks, I have a lot of undying love to give, all right?Better cook? Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. He makes burgers. Not just any burgers. Super gourmet burgers, with puns. Archer has a heroin-addicted houseboy (houseoldman?) to cook for him. Winner? Bob Belcher.
I hear they’re coming out with a cookbook. I can’t wait!
Better spy? Sterling Malory Archer (codename: Duchess) is the world’s most dangerous spy. Mostly due to friendly fire incidents, but still. Bob Belcher runs a burger restaurant. Winner? Sterling Archer.
Sterling Archer, pictured here: Probably … spying?
Runs a burger restaurant? This one time, Sterling Archer got amnesia from the trauma of his mother getting married, and he ran away and changed his name to Bob and ran a burger restaurant. True story! Winner? It’s a tie!
Here’s my “pix or it didn’t happen” pic.
Better dressed? Bob Belcher mostly wears an apron, but he cleans up okay for nights out with the lady. (The lady would be Linda Belcher, his wife, obviously.)
I felt like this post needed another picture of Bob Belcher, but the man seriously never dresses up.
Sterling Archer has, like, 20 black turtlenecks of varying shades of black, and also a bunch of fancy spy clothes. Winner? Sterling Archer.
Here’s Sterling Archer, lookin’ good in a suit, about to shoot, oh, I don’t know, let’s say … Brett?
Better parent? Bob Belcher, unlike his spiritual successor, Homer Simpson, is not a moron. Also, he never strangles his children for comedic effect. Also, his three kids all seem relatively well-adjusted and like they actually love their parents and *sniff* I wish I was a Belcher!!! Sterling Archer recently discovered he’s the birth father of former flame and current coworker Lana Kane’s adorable daughter. He’s doing his best, but the thing is, Sterling Archer is a horrible, terrible, selfish, awful person. Winner? Bob Belcher.
Although he does have his son dress up in a burger costume, which one could argue — successfully, I believe — would be considered child abuse.
It’s a tie! Thanks to dark horse Spike Spiegel winning a category out of nowhere, yes. Yes, it is. On to the tiebreaker!
Better backup in a fight? Sure, this category seems like a gimme for Sterling Archer, what with his fancy spy training and his underwear gun and his complete and utter disregard for his own life, but he’s an awful, terrible, horrible, selfish person. Bob Belcher is no Krav Maga-trained superman, and he’s even pooped his pants in a fight, but God bless ‘im, that man would have your back. Winner? Nah, sorry, Bob, but this goes to Archer. You pooped your pants in a fight! How could anyone count on you?
Overall winner? Sterling Archer, by a sexy black turtleneck.
And he knows it, too.
Why did I like The Last Man on Earth?
It’s like, wow, all of a sudden Fox has all the good sitcoms. I don’t even know how that happened.
Does anyone know how it happened?
Now they’ve got The Last Man on Earth, which I’ll pretend not to know was written by the 21 Jump Street and 22 Jump Street guys, and just focus on it was very funny. And sad. And funny. And sad.
The Last Man on Earth is one of those titles that tells you everything you need to know. Will Forte is the last man on earth, and he and his glorious beard are struggling through an existential crisis. As you would. He traverses America in a bus to seek out other survivors, shouting hello over a loudspeaker in various languages (which leads to the inspired joke: “Chinese hello,” he yells), until he winds up in Tucson, Arizona, alone.
Except for his glorious beard.
He makes a margarita pool (for bathing in, for drinking, for whatever). He makes a toilet pool (despite the apocalypse being conveniently unmessy — like, there are no dead bodies anywhere — there’s no longer running water). He befriends a variety of balls (um, like footballs and pool balls and stuff, not like — you’re dirty). He gives up on life.
“No, Will Forte, I can understand if you don’t want to go on. I’m a terrible friend.” — The Volleyball
Then he meets Kristen Schaal, who doesn’t even wear pink bunny ears or do any of the things her cartoon alter egos would do, so I’m like, jeez, what the hell, Kristen?
Seriously, Kristen Schaal, what the hell?
And unlike Will Forte, who has gone slacker-nuts, she’s gone tightly-wound-nuts, which has, I guess, annoyed some feminists, because they feel like she’s a stereotype of a nagging woman. However, my 11-year-old daughter turned to me when Kristen Schaal was insisting that Will Forte park in the lot, and not in the handicapped zone, and definitely not inside the store, and said: “That’s how she’s handling it, huh?”, which means 1) my 11-year-old is really smart and 2) did nobody notice Will Forte was also acting a bit stereotypical?
Really? You didn’t catch that?
Anyway, the hour-long premiere ends with Forte proposing to Schaal (and this after he called her a turd!) because, I think, he’d really, really like to have some sex with a lady.
And who wouldn’t, am I right, folks?
So it’s funny, and it’s sad, and I’d really like to see more episodes, but not too many, because it will probably be really hard to sustain the premise, but just enough that it ends perfectly. That’s not too much to ask, right?
I’m sure everything will turn out just fine.
Hollywood Hates Me 