A love letter to Bert (from Mary Poppins)
Dear Bert,
Look, I know you’re enamored of a woman who’s practically perfect in every way, and I want you to know that I can’t measure up to that.
See, it’s a joke because measuring tape! Get it?
But, you know, neither can you. I mean, Bert! She’s practically perfect in every way. Can you imagine having to put up with that every day?
“Mary, did you leave your dirty socks in the living room?”
“You know very well I didn’t, Bert, because I’m practically perfect in every way. If there are dirty socks in the living room, they’re either yours, or they belong to that little hussy from down the way!”
I know that was a pretty specific example, but lately people have been leaving their dirty socks in my living room and I’d really like them to knock it off, sweetheart, I know you read this blog and Mommy loves you, but please pick up your socks.
I know it’s nasty, but maybe if you just tossed them in the hamper in the first place…?
Anyway, because Mary Poppins is practically perfect in every way and also looks like a young Julie Andrews, I really don’t blame you for loving her. I also love her, and would like to invite you two over for dinner on my ceiling, except imagine that “dinner on my ceiling” is a euphemism, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Yeah, I was actually hoping you guys might do some dusting up there.
… I think I’ve kind of lost my train of thought here, Bert.
It’s probably ’cause you two are SO DIRTY.
What I’m trying to say is that Mary Poppins is a nearly perfect human being, and someone like that could never love a mere mortal like you (hah! As if the man who sings Chim Chim Cheree, the best Disney song EVER, is a mere mortal!), but do you know who could, Bert? I could! I could love you like mad. In fact, I already do.
So let’s get married, and you could sweep chimneys, or paint sidewalks, or panhandle, or whatever it is you do for a living, and at night? … We’d dance.
… with penguins.
Gremlins is full of life lessons, people
So I know that it’s sometimes hard to get your on-again off-again boyfriend to talk to you, but forcing your way into his house via chimney? I’m sorry, I mean attempting to force your way into his house via chimney and dying there?
Look, people, have we learned nothing from the tragic slash stupid death of Phoebe Cate’s dad in Gremlins?
Mary Poppins, on the other hand, is full of lies. Chimneys are death traps, and that's all there is to it.
Shutter Island is all, like, whatever, holy crap, you know?
So I finally got around to watching a trailer for Scorsese’s Shutter Island. And I’m not quite sure what happens in it, except that Leonardo DiCaprio embarrasses himself with the crappiest accent this side of Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. (Except that I love Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, so to hell with his shite accent!)
He danced with cartoon penguins! He! Danced! With! Cartoon penguins!!
DiCaprio shows up at the island and is met by Ben Kingsley, who is playing an evil doctor. You can tell he’s evil because they got Ben Kingsley. Why bother to get Ben Kingsley if the doctor is going to be good or even average? You wouldn’t bother, because he is Sir Ben Kingsley, and this doctor is going to be evil as hell. As hell, sir.
Kingsley, god bless 'im, will still bring his A game of evil to this bit of tripe.
Then there’s the crazy people like crazy shushie lady and crazy guy in a cage and crazy Leonardo DiCaprio and his crazy accent. (Yeah, I think he goes crazy at some point, kind of like whoever (whomever?) put together this trailer.)
Remember the early '90s? How people thought DiCaprio would be a major heart throb? Boy, they sure were wrong, weren't they.
Also, it’s not clear, but I think this movie is set, like, in the ’50s, because the nurses are all wearing those white dress uniforms, which nurses just don’t do nowadays because of the bleeding and vomiting that their patients do. God bless the modern nurse.
And God bless the naughty nurse costume, I guess.
I’ll bet you’re wondering what all this has to do with the Olympics. Well, Frak-all, actually, but this movie just looked so horrible I couldn’t not warn you.
It’s like Scorsese was all focusing on camera angles and atmosphere and forgot to make sure his actors could use accents they don’t even need for some reason. Also the thing that makes things make sense. Plot. Yeah, that.
In conclusion, watch the Olympics instead! (Too little, too late, maybe? Happy Olympics week!)
Hollywood Hates Me 