Dammit, come on, no!
I enjoy Zachary Levi. He was funny in Chuck, and he’s tall, handsome and nerdy, which is my perfect boy. So I’d been really hoping he’d get some acting work that wasn’t just voiceover roles, because, while he does have a great voice, have you seen him?
Well, now you have.
But they’re putting him on the Heroes reboot, which sounds like just a terrible idea, and I didn’t even start watching the original series again when they put Veronica Mars or Ray Park on there, so why do they have to waste Zachary Levi on this WAHHHHHHHH!
I know I’ve been overreacting to things a lot, but I’ve got a legitimate beef here and — OH MY GOD WHAT IF THEY MAKE HIM GO BLONDE LIKE THIS AGAIN NOOOOOOOOO.
I miss Captain Awesome now
I’ve been re-watching old episodes of Chuck, which only has four seasons, no matter what anyone else might tell you. And as much as I love Chuck Bartowski and the Nerd Herders and John Casey and Sarah Walker, the character I’m missing the most is Devon “Captain Awesome” Woodcomb. And also the lovely Ryan McPartlin, who portrayed him. Awesomely.
Then they got married and had little Baby Awesomes.
So what is Ryan McPartlin up to nowadays? And is it awesome? I hope it’s awesome!
“Me too!”
Anyway, Mssr. McPartlin was born in Chicago, and became an actor. According to IMDb, his Trade Mark (seriously, IMDb, this drives me nuts; trademark is ONE WORD) is his Towering Height. He is 6’4″, which explains why I love him.
And he started out as a model, because of course you would start out as a model if you look like this.
Anyhoo, he broke onto the acting scene in 1999 with a role in The Nanny as Performer #3. The thing I remember about The Nanny is that Fran Drescher had an irritating voice, and then I changed the channel. After that, he had more one-and-dones in TV shows I didn’t even know existed, like Odd Man Out, Three Sisters and S Club 7 in L.A., which IMDb swears really exists, but I think had to be part of someone’s fever dream, because who names a TV show S Club 7 in L.A.? Also in something called North Shore and something called Model Family (which has to be about a family of models, right? Right?) and, most intriguingly, in an episode of Pepper Dennis entitled “Charlie Babcock’s Homosexual Encounter: Film at Eleven.”
Oh, and it looks like Rebecca Romijn is still getting paychecks too! That’s nice.
Then it was on to bigger and better things, or at least bigger, with a recurring (or possibly starring) role in Living with Fran, which I’m just going to go ahead and assume also starred Fran Drescher because 1) it’s funnier that way; and 2) I’m actually too lazy to check.
Here’s another picture of Ryan McPartlin, because he sure is purdy.
From 2007 to 2012 (I’m not sure what 2012 is doing in there, because Chuck ONLY HAD FOUR SEASONS), he starred as Captain Awesome on Chuck, and he was awesome, and we loved him.
Also, he had a role on an episode of Mad Men in 2008, wherein he played Gentleman, which means that Mad Men has been on TV far, far longer than I realized. In 2010, he voiced Clutch Powers for Lego: The Adventures of Clutch Powers, which isn’t as awesome a name as Max Power.
See? Homer agrees with me.
He had a busy 2012, with roles in Hot in Cleveland, CSI: Miami, Necessary Roughness, Rizolli and Isles, and Daybreak, which I only just now remembered existed.
He just kept reliving the same day over and over, which, no wonder it got canceled, then.
2013 was another busy year, with roles in stuff I don’t feel like mentioning, except Hart of Dixie, which I watched one time when I had a cold, and he wasn’t even in that episode, and also his character’s name was Carter Covington, which is, of course, the phoniest name ever that Dickens didn’t make up.
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Serjeant Buzfuz.
It looks like 2014 was another busy year for McPartlin, which means, I guess, that I’m not watching enough television, or he’s not guest-starring on The Americans or Brooklyn 99 enough, but he was on Bad Judge (with whatsisname from Veronica Mars!) and Mystery Girls, which I’m going to refuse to watch on principle, because IT STARS TORI SPELLING. Gah.
Someone once told me I look like Tori Spelling. Which I do not. At all.
So, it looks like Ryan McPartlin is absolutely staying busy (he’s got several projects in the works). When he’s not acting, he’s a personal trainer and enjoys outdoor activities, and hangs out with his wife and their two kids. So that’s awesome, I guess, but … well, whatever, it’s not like they’re going to bring Chuck back for a fifth season or something.
God bless it, Chuck, you were SO GOOD for three seasons.
(Officially) A breakup letter to Chuck
Dear Chuck,
Look, I want you to know I’m sorry I stood you up the last three Fridays. It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, it’s just that … well, I kind of assumed you’d be on holiday break, like all the cool kids. Also? I didn’t want to see you.
No matter HOW awesome everyone's hair looks this season.
What? No, don’t cry. It’s not you, it’s me.
*Sigh*
You know what, Chuck? I can’t lie to you. Not with your big pleading puppy dog eyes. Not after what we had together. It is you. It’s very definitely you. I mean, sure, I’ve changed and grown, but there could still be room in my heart for you, if you hadn’t started to suck so damn bad, that is.
I can't forgive you for MORGAN WITH THE INTERSECT.
No, please don’t cry. It’s not your fault.
I blame myself for this. Oh, sure, I never signed an online petition to keep you on the air, and I never bought Subway sandwiches to keep you on the air (I’m sorry, but they’re just gross, I don’t care what Big Mike says, and I love that guy!), but deep down, I always kind of hoped you would stay on the air.
Big Mike, I'm sorry you've been reduced to being a shill for Subway. I hope they are compensating you with piles of cash and beautiful ladies. Who are also in piles.
But just through the fourth season, because everybody’s fifth season sucks and, dammit, Chuck, you are ruining all the good feelings I had for you. I tuned in to you because Chuck Bartowski was a sweet, cowardly little ball of fluff who was working on becoming a better person! Because John Casey and Sarah Walker were genuinely terrifying people who were willing to stop at nothing to complete an assignment. And now what do I see? Everybody’s a big cuddly ball of fluff and no one’s just flat out murdering anybody for the good of the country anymore and I really miss that dichotomy.
You hardly ever kill anybody anymore, John Casey, and I miss that about you.
Also, bring back Anna Wu!
And not just to be dumped by Morgan AGAIN because that was ridiculous.
In conclusion, it’s over. For reals this time.
Good luck in your future endeavors, show. I’ll never forget you. Except for the fifth season so far, because I really really don’t want to remember that.
I think we'll ALL be happier if we can forget.
A breakup (?) letter to Chuck
Dear Chuck,
(The TV show, not the titular character.)
(Hee. “Titular!”)
Dear Chuck,
Lately, I’ve been feeling like maybe we need some time apart. Sure, we had a pretty good run together. I’d leave work early to get home in time to watch you, and curse work for not paying me enough to be able to afford DVR and having to take a really short lunch break so I could leave early. But you know what? The sacrifice was worth it. You were so cute, with your pop culture geek references, and your espionage and your action sequences, and the way John Casey growled a lot.
Also, Ellie and Captain Awesome were there, and they hadn't had a baby yet.
And, yeah, I’ll admit it: I loved you. I loved you a lot. It made me happy to be with you.
But things have changed, Chuck (the TV show). And I’m just not feeling it anymore.
In fact, the other day, someone asked me when the new season begins … and I didn’t know. And worse? I didn’t particularly care.
And that’s when I knew, Chuck (not Bartowski, but the show he stars on). The magic is gone.
I mean, Morgan as the Intersect? Come on, show, really? And Chuck is married to Sarah? I mean, I was shipping them as hard as the next guy, but you end your series with a wedding. (Not that I blame you for not getting canceled after your fourth season. I mean, we all kind of expected it.)
Also, what was the deal with Morgan officiating the wedding? I totally thought it was a dream sequence, but I guess it wasn't?
And Casey? Well, Casey’s just not killing as many people as he used to do, and that makes me deeply, deeply sad.
He's much sexier as a cold-blooded killing machine, is all.
But I don’t want it to end like this, Chuck. I’ll give you a chance. I’ll watch your fifth season. I mean, sure, it’ll feel like that relationship where the one just doesn’t go away and the other is too lazy to make them, but hey! Lots of marriages work like that.
I’m just saying, Chuck, don’t be disappointed now that I’m seeing Fringe on Friday nights. I have a feeling we were meant to be.
Dear Fringe, I know YOU won't break my heart. I love you.
Chuck Bartowski vs. James Bond
For my readers who love fictional character battles (hi, Jamin!) and for my readers who love them some Zachary Levi (hi, all y’all!), here is a battle between two of the greatest fictional spies of all time: The Intersect and Agent 007.
I love when they put the Intersect in a suit. God bless a good suit.
I totally have this postcard. And magnet!
For those of you who don’t know, Chuck Bartowski is the eponymous starring character of NBC’s Chuck, which I kind of wish would have ended after its fourth season because nothing has a good fifth season ever, and why does Morgan have the Intersect now? James Bond is … hell, you’ve heard of James Bond.
Moving right along: Let’s rock and roll, kids.
Physicality. Well, Chuck Bartowski has the blessing of being portrayed by the  6’4″ Zachary Levi, who … well, just look at him.
Gazing is also allowed.
James Bond has been played by everyone under the sun, most notably Sean Connery and Tim Dalton. OK, maybe not so notably with Mssr. Dalton, but he’s awesome and I love him, so let’s go with it. Most recently, though, he’s been portrayed by Daniel Craig, who is some folks’ cup of tea, but face it, not my type.
Please contact me if you can explain his appeal.
Winner? Chuck Bartowski.
Has a license to kill? You know who has a license to kill? James Bond has a license to kill. He has a license to kill so hard that he’s even got a whole movie named after that fact.
Told ya.
Chuck Bartowski probably also has a license to kill, as he is a CIA agent, but he always just uses tranq darts instead, so … meh, we’ll give this one to Bond. Winner? Bond.
Scored a hotter lady? James Bond scores with hot ladies, like, constantly. He scores with the hot ladies like it’s going out of style. (Note to everyone: Scoring with hot ladies will never go out of style, God willing!) On the other hand, Chuck Bartowski has really only ever had good luck with one lady, which doesn’t seem too impressive, but holy crap have you seen Sarah Walker?
She’s like if Pretty and Dangerous had babies, and the babies all had really great hair and legs that go on forevah!
Winner? Chuck Bartowski.
Has cooler spy toys? One of the reason everybody wants to be a spy when they grow up is because of all the gadgets. There’s pens with poison ink and laser beams and cars that can shoot rockets. So who has the cooler spy toys: Bond or Bartowski? Winner? The guy with the bigger budget. Bond.
If I couldn’t be a spy, then I always wanted to have Q move in next door.
Was played by Clive Owen? I would just like to state, for the record (repeatedly) that Clive Owen would’ve made a really good James Bond. Winner? Nobody.
Everybody loses when Clive Owen doesn’t get cast as James Bond.
Gots better sidekicks? James Bond hasn’t gots no sidekicks. He’s a lone wolf. A renegade, if you will. He’s the Han Solo of spies, except for he hasn’t got a Chewie, so the “Solo” is actually literal. Chuck Bartowski, however, has a slew of sidekicks. An arsenal of them.
What’s this? A chance to use a photograph of John Casey in a tuxedo in a swimming pool? Don’t mind if I do!
Winner? Chuck Bartowski.
Cooler theme song? Well, Chuck has Cake’s “Short Skirt, Long Jacket,” but James Bond has the James Bond theme, which was used to great effect in Pizzicato Five’s Twiggy Twiggy. Which I will now insert here for your listening/viewing pleasure.
Winner? James Bond.
Let’s go to a tiebreaker! Who must face a fiercer lady boss? James Bond has M, recently played by Dame Judi Dench, but you know who Chuck has got?
Prior to the beautiful Ms. Dench, M was portrayed by men, pretty much, so this category hardly seems fair.
Chuck has got General Diane Beckman, who once wielded a rocket launcher just because she could.
She’s, like, totally fierce.
Winner? Chuck.
Overall winner? Chuck Bartowski, by a nose.
He DOES have an awfully cute nose.
Chuck’s hair
It’s just too short this season.
Maybe Sarah prefers it that way?
For comparison, check out these locks:
Nice and floppy, just the way I likes it.
In conclusion, grow your hair out, Zachary Levi.
Things that I will always love more than you
Dear future boyfriend,
First off, I just want to say that you are such a catch! I mean, here you are: a guy who puts up with me! I am so lucky to have you, future boyfriend, and I just want you to know that. I love your (insert adjective here) and the way you (verb). (Note to self: add descriptors once you actually meet future boyfriend.)
But there’s a few things you need to know, and I have incorporated them here into this handy list. It’s a list of things that I will always love more than you.
1. Elijah Snow. No matter how awesome you are, future boyfriend, unless you were trained in the art of detecting at the knee of the best fictional detective ever (Sherlock Holmes), you cannot compare to Elijah Snow.
Weakness for white foxes: revealed.
Ooooh, and also, you would have to never, ever age, and have the power to freeze stuff and then shatter the hell out of it.
For example, Dracula's crotch.
2. Speaking of the best fictional detective ever: Sherlock Holmes. It’s true, future boyfriend, that there are not many things in this world that I love more than Sherlock Holmes, and I would have to include you on the list (of things that I do not).
Guy Ritchie is something I love much, much less than Sherlock Holmes.
3. Chuck. That show is so cute and I love it (more than you). I hope, if there is a fifth season, it doesn’t suck as bad as the fifth seasons of other shows I used to love, House, I’m looking at you.
Damn, Chuck's girlfriend looks good in leather.
4. Eric Elbogen. Unless future boyfriend and Eric Elbogen are one in the same (pardon me while I laugh at my audacity!), there is just no measuring up to a guy who has written a song about playing Ms. Pac-man.
And he has a head of hair I want to tousle SO BAD.
5. Lone Wolf and Cub. No, future boyfriend, you will never be as awesome as one of the best manga series ever, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask to be alone while I read my copies.
Quiet, you! This is my "me" time!
6. Spike Spiegel. I shouldn’t have to explain why Spike Spiegel is more awesome than you, should I? Fine: he’s tall, thin, tragic yet always has a snappy comeback, and practices jeet kune do. Also, he has a spaceship and is a bounty hunter. In space. He’s a bounty hunter in space.
Bounty hunter. In space.
7. Cowboy Bebop. Spike Spiegel is a character in the best anime ever, and I will always, always love that anime more than you.
There is no way Hollywood won't frak up a live-action version of this show.
8. “Roslin and Adama.” Bear McCreary wrote one of the world’s most beautiful pieces of music for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, and I just can’t imagine that you could possibly make me feel the way it does.
Also, I was totally 'shipping them the whole series.
9. Bulkogi. Man, bulkogi is good. I wish we had a decent Korean joint around here.
I like my bulkogi with carrots and onions.
10. Japan. Japan is crazy and awesome. You, future boyfriend, might be crazy and awesome too, but are you the birthplace of the ninja? No. No, you are not.
I love you, Japan! Call me!
Why did I like the season premiere of Chuck?
Was it because Chuck and Morgan, like, totally had some sweet bonding moments?
Was it because they rebuilt the Buy More and it’s totally an awesome spy station now?
Now I don't have to get rid of my Buy More shirt!
Was it because John Casey on public transportation?
Was it because Bonita Friedericy is finally part of the regular cast?
Took you guys long enough.
Was it because Harry Dean Stanton?
Omigod, Harry Dean Stanton! HARRY DEAN STANTON!!!
Or Dolph Lundgren?
Look at that jaw. It's insane. Just insane.
Or Linda Hamilton?
If they had cast any more awesome, my TV would have blown up.
Oh, Chuck. Thanks for bringing your A game to the season 4 premiere. I will never stop loving you.
A love letter to Anna Wu
Dear Anna Wu,
I think you’re beautiful.
Plus, I kind of covet your tights.
Sure, you’re not on my favorite show anymore, Chuck (which beats out Burn Notice not in explosions but in heart), but that’s not your fault. I mean, the writers had to do something with budget cuts and all, and they’d left it wide open for you not to return from Hawaii. So you dumped Morgan, who is totally cute and I also love him and I wouldn’t be able to forgive you if I didn’t know about the budget cuts.
I like to think that you sit around in Hawaii looking this good.
(Damn you, budget cuts!)
Because I think you and Morgan were perfect together, and seriously, where is that guy going to find another girl shorter than him? And tougher?
I'm just not sure there's another girl in this world that Morgan could carry, because he is a tiny man.
(And don’t tell me to look no further than John Casey’s DNA, because there is no way a girl that petite could be his real daughter.)
You, Anna Wu, are the perfect girl. You’re smart, you’re snarky, you’re good with computers. You kick ass like it’s your job.
Plus, you wield eyeliner like an expert. An expert in eyelining. I don't know what point I was trying to make here.
Which is why, now that you’re single and no longer on my favorite show (which doesn’t actually beat out Cowboy Bebop, but I’m only counting shows that are currently airing), I’m asking you to marry me.
Now, I know that’s illegal in most states because of people like my aunt (who thinks that polygamy is OK, but she is Mormon and I think she hates sex), but you live in California, and I swear that woman who married a dolphin (the bastards of the sea!) was from California.
Anyway, I just think we would make a really cute couple. You could teach me how to apply makeup, maybe introduce me to some of your friends, like John Casey and Chuck Bartowski. I wouldn’t mind that at all. (Really. You should introduce me to both of them. Preferably at the same time.)
But if you must choose one, please choose John Casey, because I love the way he shoots and punches things. People and things.
This letter might not strike you as being particularly romantic, Anna Wu, but I promise, were you to reply, I would woo you like the phonetic spelling of your last name.
I love you.
(If you have John Casey’s number, I’d love to have it.)
My love for John Casey only grows
Q. Did you see the way John Casey clobbered that guy with a napkin dispenser in the season finale of Chuck?
A. Just bam! — right in the brains.
John Casey, you are everything I have ever dreamed of. I love you.
Hollywood Hates Me 