(Officially) A breakup letter to Chuck
Dear Chuck,
Look, I want you to know I’m sorry I stood you up the last three Fridays. It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, it’s just that … well, I kind of assumed you’d be on holiday break, like all the cool kids. Also? I didn’t want to see you.
No matter HOW awesome everyone's hair looks this season.
What? No, don’t cry. It’s not you, it’s me.
*Sigh*
You know what, Chuck? I can’t lie to you. Not with your big pleading puppy dog eyes. Not after what we had together. It is you. It’s very definitely you. I mean, sure, I’ve changed and grown, but there could still be room in my heart for you, if you hadn’t started to suck so damn bad, that is.
I can't forgive you for MORGAN WITH THE INTERSECT.
No, please don’t cry. It’s not your fault.
I blame myself for this. Oh, sure, I never signed an online petition to keep you on the air, and I never bought Subway sandwiches to keep you on the air (I’m sorry, but they’re just gross, I don’t care what Big Mike says, and I love that guy!), but deep down, I always kind of hoped you would stay on the air.
Big Mike, I'm sorry you've been reduced to being a shill for Subway. I hope they are compensating you with piles of cash and beautiful ladies. Who are also in piles.
But just through the fourth season, because everybody’s fifth season sucks and, dammit, Chuck, you are ruining all the good feelings I had for you. I tuned in to you because Chuck Bartowski was a sweet, cowardly little ball of fluff who was working on becoming a better person! Because John Casey and Sarah Walker were genuinely terrifying people who were willing to stop at nothing to complete an assignment. And now what do I see? Everybody’s a big cuddly ball of fluff and no one’s just flat out murdering anybody for the good of the country anymore and I really miss that dichotomy.
You hardly ever kill anybody anymore, John Casey, and I miss that about you.
Also, bring back Anna Wu!
And not just to be dumped by Morgan AGAIN because that was ridiculous.
In conclusion, it’s over. For reals this time.
Good luck in your future endeavors, show. I’ll never forget you. Except for the fifth season so far, because I really really don’t want to remember that.
I think we'll ALL be happier if we can forget.
A breakup (?) letter to Chuck
Dear Chuck,
(The TV show, not the titular character.)
(Hee. “Titular!”)
Dear Chuck,
Lately, I’ve been feeling like maybe we need some time apart. Sure, we had a pretty good run together. I’d leave work early to get home in time to watch you, and curse work for not paying me enough to be able to afford DVR and having to take a really short lunch break so I could leave early. But you know what? The sacrifice was worth it. You were so cute, with your pop culture geek references, and your espionage and your action sequences, and the way John Casey growled a lot.
Also, Ellie and Captain Awesome were there, and they hadn't had a baby yet.
And, yeah, I’ll admit it: I loved you. I loved you a lot. It made me happy to be with you.
But things have changed, Chuck (the TV show). And I’m just not feeling it anymore.
In fact, the other day, someone asked me when the new season begins … and I didn’t know. And worse? I didn’t particularly care.
And that’s when I knew, Chuck (not Bartowski, but the show he stars on). The magic is gone.
I mean, Morgan as the Intersect? Come on, show, really? And Chuck is married to Sarah? I mean, I was shipping them as hard as the next guy, but you end your series with a wedding. (Not that I blame you for not getting canceled after your fourth season. I mean, we all kind of expected it.)
Also, what was the deal with Morgan officiating the wedding? I totally thought it was a dream sequence, but I guess it wasn't?
And Casey? Well, Casey’s just not killing as many people as he used to do, and that makes me deeply, deeply sad.
He's much sexier as a cold-blooded killing machine, is all.
But I don’t want it to end like this, Chuck. I’ll give you a chance. I’ll watch your fifth season. I mean, sure, it’ll feel like that relationship where the one just doesn’t go away and the other is too lazy to make them, but hey! Lots of marriages work like that.
I’m just saying, Chuck, don’t be disappointed now that I’m seeing Fringe on Friday nights. I have a feeling we were meant to be.
Dear Fringe, I know YOU won't break my heart. I love you.
Chuck Bartowski vs. James Bond
For my readers who love fictional character battles (hi, Jamin!) and for my readers who love them some Zachary Levi (hi, all y’all!), here is a battle between two of the greatest fictional spies of all time: The Intersect and Agent 007.
I love when they put the Intersect in a suit. God bless a good suit.
I totally have this postcard. And magnet!
For those of you who don’t know, Chuck Bartowski is the eponymous starring character of NBC’s Chuck, which I kind of wish would have ended after its fourth season because nothing has a good fifth season ever, and why does Morgan have the Intersect now? James Bond is … hell, you’ve heard of James Bond.
Moving right along: Let’s rock and roll, kids.
Physicality. Well, Chuck Bartowski has the blessing of being portrayed by the 6’4″ Zachary Levi, who … well, just look at him.
Gazing is also allowed.
James Bond has been played by everyone under the sun, most notably Sean Connery and Tim Dalton. OK, maybe not so notably with Mssr. Dalton, but he’s awesome and I love him, so let’s go with it. Most recently, though, he’s been portrayed by Daniel Craig, who is some folks’ cup of tea, but face it, not my type.
Please contact me if you can explain his appeal.
Winner? Chuck Bartowski.
Has a license to kill? You know who has a license to kill? James Bond has a license to kill. He has a license to kill so hard that he’s even got a whole movie named after that fact.
Told ya.
Chuck Bartowski probably also has a license to kill, as he is a CIA agent, but he always just uses tranq darts instead, so … meh, we’ll give this one to Bond. Winner? Bond.
Scored a hotter lady? James Bond scores with hot ladies, like, constantly. He scores with the hot ladies like it’s going out of style. (Note to everyone: Scoring with hot ladies will never go out of style, God willing!) On the other hand, Chuck Bartowski has really only ever had good luck with one lady, which doesn’t seem too impressive, but holy crap have you seen Sarah Walker?
She's like if Pretty and Dangerous had babies, and the babies all had really great hair and legs that go on forevah!
Winner? Chuck Bartowski.
Has cooler spy toys? One of the reason everybody wants to be a spy when they grow up is because of all the gadgets. There’s pens with poison ink and laser beams and cars that can shoot rockets. So who has the cooler spy toys: Bond or Bartowski? Winner? The guy with the bigger budget. Bond.
If I couldn't be a spy, then I always wanted to have Q move in next door.
Was played by Clive Owen? I would just like to state, for the record (repeatedly) that Clive Owen would’ve made a really good James Bond. Winner? Nobody.
Everybody loses when Clive Owen doesn't get cast as James Bond.
Gots better sidekicks? James Bond hasn’t gots no sidekicks. He’s a lone wolf. A renegade, if you will. He’s the Han Solo of spies, except for he hasn’t got a Chewie, so the “Solo” is actually literal. Chuck Bartowski, however, has a slew of sidekicks. An arsenal of them.
What's this? A chance to use a photograph of John Casey in a tuxedo in a swimming pool? Don't mind if I do!
Winner? Chuck Bartowski.
Cooler theme song? Well, Chuck has Cake’s “Short Skirt, Long Jacket,” but James Bond has the James Bond theme, which was used to great effect in Pizzicato Five’s Twiggy Twiggy. Which I will now insert here for your listening/viewing pleasure.
Winner? James Bond.
Let’s go to a tiebreaker! Who must face a fiercer lady boss? James Bond has M, recently played by Dame Judi Dench, but you know who Chuck has got?
Prior to the beautiful Ms. Dench, M was portrayed by men, pretty much, so this category hardly seems fair.
Chuck has got General Diane Beckman, who once wielded a rocket launcher just because she could.
She's, like, totally fierce.
Winner? Chuck.
Overall winner? Chuck Bartowski, by a nose.
He DOES have an awfully cute nose.
Chuck’s hair
It’s just too short this season.
Maybe Sarah prefers it that way?
For comparison, check out these locks:
Nice and floppy, just the way I likes it.
In conclusion, grow your hair out, Zachary Levi.
Things that I will always love more than you
Dear future boyfriend,
First off, I just want to say that you are such a catch! I mean, here you are: a guy who puts up with me! I am so lucky to have you, future boyfriend, and I just want you to know that. I love your (insert adjective here) and the way you (verb). (Note to self: add descriptors once you actually meet future boyfriend.)
But there’s a few things you need to know, and I have incorporated them here into this handy list. It’s a list of things that I will always love more than you.
1. Elijah Snow. No matter how awesome you are, future boyfriend, unless you were trained in the art of detecting at the knee of the best fictional detective ever (Sherlock Holmes), you cannot compare to Elijah Snow.
Weakness for white foxes: revealed.
Ooooh, and also, you would have to never, ever age, and have the power to freeze stuff and then shatter the hell out of it.
For example, Dracula's crotch.
2. Speaking of the best fictional detective ever: Sherlock Holmes. It’s true, future boyfriend, that there are not many things in this world that I love more than Sherlock Holmes, and I would have to include you on the list (of things that I do not).
Guy Ritchie is something I love much, much less than Sherlock Holmes.
3. Chuck. That show is so cute and I love it (more than you). I hope, if there is a fifth season, it doesn’t suck as bad as the fifth seasons of other shows I used to love, House, I’m looking at you.
Damn, Chuck's girlfriend looks good in leather.
4. Eric Elbogen. Unless future boyfriend and Eric Elbogen are one in the same (pardon me while I laugh at my audacity!), there is just no measuring up to a guy who has written a song about playing Ms. Pac-man.
And he has a head of hair I want to tousle SO BAD.
5. Lone Wolf and Cub. No, future boyfriend, you will never be as awesome as one of the best manga series ever, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask to be alone while I read my copies.
Quiet, you! This is my "me" time!
6. Spike Spiegel. I shouldn’t have to explain why Spike Spiegel is more awesome than you, should I? Fine: he’s tall, thin, tragic yet always has a snappy comeback, and practices jeet kune do. Also, he has a spaceship and is a bounty hunter. In space. He’s a bounty hunter in space.
Bounty hunter. In space.
7. Cowboy Bebop. Spike Spiegel is a character in the best anime ever, and I will always, always love that anime more than you.
There is no way Hollywood won't frak up a live-action version of this show.
8. “Roslin and Adama.” Bear McCreary wrote one of the world’s most beautiful pieces of music for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, and I just can’t imagine that you could possibly make me feel the way it does.
Also, I was totally 'shipping them the whole series.
9. Bulkogi. Man, bulkogi is good. I wish we had a decent Korean joint around here.
I like my bulkogi with carrots and onions.
10. Japan. Japan is crazy and awesome. You, future boyfriend, might be crazy and awesome too, but are you the birthplace of the ninja? No. No, you are not.
I love you, Japan! Call me!
Why did I like the season premiere of Chuck?
Was it because Chuck and Morgan, like, totally had some sweet bonding moments?
Was it because they rebuilt the Buy More and it’s totally an awesome spy station now?
Now I don't have to get rid of my Buy More shirt!
Was it because John Casey on public transportation?
Was it because Bonita Friedericy is finally part of the regular cast?
Took you guys long enough.
Was it because Harry Dean Stanton?
Omigod, Harry Dean Stanton! HARRY DEAN STANTON!!!
Or Dolph Lundgren?
Look at that jaw. It's insane. Just insane.
Or Linda Hamilton?
If they had cast any more awesome, my TV would have blown up.
Oh, Chuck. Thanks for bringing your A game to the season 4 premiere. I will never stop loving you.
A love letter to Anna Wu
Dear Anna Wu,
I think you’re beautiful.
Plus, I kind of covet your tights.
Sure, you’re not on my favorite show anymore, Chuck (which beats out Burn Notice not in explosions but in heart), but that’s not your fault. I mean, the writers had to do something with budget cuts and all, and they’d left it wide open for you not to return from Hawaii. So you dumped Morgan, who is totally cute and I also love him and I wouldn’t be able to forgive you if I didn’t know about the budget cuts.
I like to think that you sit around in Hawaii looking this good.
(Damn you, budget cuts!)
Because I think you and Morgan were perfect together, and seriously, where is that guy going to find another girl shorter than him? And tougher?
I'm just not sure there's another girl in this world that Morgan could carry, because he is a tiny man.
(And don’t tell me to look no further than John Casey’s DNA, because there is no way a girl that petite could be his real daughter.)
You, Anna Wu, are the perfect girl. You’re smart, you’re snarky, you’re good with computers. You kick ass like it’s your job.
Plus, you wield eyeliner like an expert. An expert in eyelining. I don't know what point I was trying to make here.
Which is why, now that you’re single and no longer on my favorite show (which doesn’t actually beat out Cowboy Bebop, but I’m only counting shows that are currently airing), I’m asking you to marry me.
Now, I know that’s illegal in most states because of people like my aunt (who thinks that polygamy is OK, but she is Mormon and I think she hates sex), but you live in California, and I swear that woman who married a dolphin (the bastards of the sea!) was from California.
Anyway, I just think we would make a really cute couple. You could teach me how to apply makeup, maybe introduce me to some of your friends, like John Casey and Chuck Bartowski. I wouldn’t mind that at all. (Really. You should introduce me to both of them. Preferably at the same time.)
But if you must choose one, please choose John Casey, because I love the way he shoots and punches things. People and things.
This letter might not strike you as being particularly romantic, Anna Wu, but I promise, were you to reply, I would woo you like the phonetic spelling of your last name.
I love you.
(If you have John Casey’s number, I’d love to have it.)
My love for John Casey only grows
Q. Did you see the way John Casey clobbered that guy with a napkin dispenser in the season finale of Chuck?
A. Just bam! — right in the brains.
John Casey, you are everything I have ever dreamed of. I love you.
Somebody at NBC loves me!
They must, because, check this out!
Chuck has been renewed!!!
And Chuck and Sarah are exactly as cute a spy couple as we all knew they would be!
Heroes has been canceled!
You always sucked, show.
Somebody finally took Law & Order out back and gave it a pity shot to the back of the head!
Rest in peace, L&O: Original Flavor.
And! Jillian Michaels will spend the summer abusing people in their own homes!
Which they deserve, because they invited her into their homes in the first place.
It’s like NBC has looked into my soul.
Things I can’t compete with
When fabulous poet/wit Dorothy Parker feared her husband Alan Campbell was having a homosexual affair, she was quoted as saying: “I can compete with the girls, you know, but not with the boys.”
She had a point.
Thus, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of 10 things that I can’t compete with:
1. Ziyi Zhang. Put me up against the talented Chinese actress and, for some reason, I always come up lacking.
But so does everyone! I mean, look at her!
2. The boys. Again, Ms. Parker had a point here. It’s hard to compete against the boys when the boys have bits that the girls don’t.
Also, they're so PRETTY nowadays.
3. Your body pillow girlfriend/wife. There are many things body pillows can do that I can’t, and one of those things includes tolerating someone who would marry a body pillow.
Tolerate? Actually, I would have a hard time not punching you in the throat. Enjoy your body pillow.
4. Cylons. Cylons look like Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. I don’t so much.
Lucy Lawless is also more awesome than I am.
5. Your awesome CIA girlfriend. In every category, I come up short when compared to your awesome CIA girlfriend.
For instance, my hair NEVER looks this good when I'm in a gun fight.
6. That anime character you have a crush on. It’s true. I don’t have perky anime boobs, and I’m not charmingly clumsy, so when I fall, I don’t land with my lacy panties slightly exposed, I end up scraping most of the skin off my face and bleeding all over.
Of course, you will always come in second to Spike Spiegel, so we have that in common, anyway.
7. Dorothy Parker. She was witty, she wrote great poetry and short stories, and she could hold her liquor waaaaaay better than I can. She could also come up with witty retorts on the spot, and I just can’t do that.
I'm the poor man's Dorothy Parker! The really, really, really, REALLY poor man's Dorothy Parker!
8. Your ex, Julia. I just can’t wear a full-body leather suit with that panache. I wish I could, but I can’t.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I. Sweat.
9. Lady superheroes. I was just going to say “superheroes,” but I specifically mean the ones who keep their superhero costumes up with a bit of spirit gum and luck.
Also, gravity isn't an issue for superheroes.
10. Your 1985 Crown Victoria. I can’t compete with a car like that. I won’t even try.
Pictured here: something that is better than me in every way.
