Cowboys and Aliens and Smurfs, oh my!

July 29, 2011 at 8:29 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

(I’ll bet somebody’s already used that as a title.)

(It’s just so obvious, you know?)

Anyway, opening this weekend are Cowboys and Aliens, Smurfs and Crazy, Stupid, Love. I have nothing to say about Crazy, Stupid, Love except this: Why is there a comma after “Stupid”? Isn’t it being used as an adjective?

No comma in the movie poster, which is how it should be.

Moving right along, I kind of want to see Cowboys and Aliens because it is about cowboys fighting aliens.

Although, cool as it looks, I can't imagine it is nearly as good as Ninja fighting aliens.

I would be willing to overlook Olivia Wilde’s presence, but the filmmakers don’t seem to want to let me, because it looks like she is in almost every scene. Hopefully, she just stands there looking pretty and doesn’t talk much.

(Holy crap, I sound like an office boss from the 1950s.)

And get me my files, woman!

And then there’s The Smurfs. The Smurfs is how I know Hollywood hates you as much as Hollywood hates me.

This movie couldn't look more wretched if it tried.

Also that Neil Patrick Harris owes some bad people some bigtime money.

Please tell me it's gambling or drugs, Neil!

But seriously, folks, who wants to see three-dimensional Smurfs in New York City? It’s like one of those talking animal movies, except the animals are blue and one of them is voiced by Katy Perry. I dislike her on general principle, because who gets married to Russell Brand? Eck.

Dear Katy Perry, please ask your husband to keep his damn shirt buttoned up. Always.

Anyway, I’d be willing to go see Cowboys and Aliens, if anyone wants to take me. We could ogle Olivia Wilde together (she’s so pretty!) and throw popcorn at the screen whenever she talks.

I wanted my coffee with two sugars and cream, woman!

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1 Comment

  1. Jamin said,

    As awesome a premise as “Aliens vs. Ninja” is, don’t, for the love of God, don’t watch “AvN”. It was one of the 10 worst movies i’ve seen in my life, right behind “Six-String Samurai” and “Snakes on a Plane”, both of which also should have been awesome, but weren’t.

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