The other movie I’m not seeing this weekend
I saw a TV spot for People Like Us, and I was like, oh look, Channing Tatum’s in two movies this weekend, and then I thought, But Channing Tatum looks kind of funny, and then I realized it was New Captain Kirk, and anyway, he’s searching for his long-lost sister, which sounds really exciting to someone, I’m sure, and there’s Olivia Wilde in the trailer, trying to convey basic human emotions like surprise, going all, “OK, surprise, that’s the one where I have to open my eyes really wide and kind of gasp and then cover my mouth, right?”, because I swear she’s an alien or maybe some kind of robot, and that sort of thing is just really hard for her, and then Michelle Pfeiffer is in it too, and I’d be all happy that at least she’s getting work, but it’s for stuff like this, you know, and then the voiceover guy tells me it’s the most moving movie of the season or something, and I’m all like, “shut up, I hate you, this movie makes me want to write giant run-on sentences about how lame it’s all going to be,” and then I do.
I think I’d like this movie better if it turned out Olivia Wilde was the long-lost sister, because she’s clearly been cast as the girlfriend, and I’d really like to see her attempt to form expressions of disgust and horror.
Cowboys and Aliens and Smurfs, oh my!
(I’ll bet somebody’s already used that as a title.)
(It’s just so obvious, you know?)
Anyway, opening this weekend are Cowboys and Aliens, Smurfs and Crazy, Stupid, Love. I have nothing to say about Crazy, Stupid, Love except this: Why is there a comma after “Stupid”? Isn’t it being used as an adjective?
No comma in the movie poster, which is how it should be.
Moving right along, I kind of want to see Cowboys and Aliens because it is about cowboys fighting aliens.
Although, cool as it looks, I can't imagine it is nearly as good as Ninja fighting aliens.
I would be willing to overlook Olivia Wilde’s presence, but the filmmakers don’t seem to want to let me, because it looks like she is in almost every scene. Hopefully, she just stands there looking pretty and doesn’t talk much.
(Holy crap, I sound like an office boss from the 1950s.)
And get me my files, woman!
And then there’s The Smurfs. The Smurfs is how I know Hollywood hates you as much as Hollywood hates me.
This movie couldn't look more wretched if it tried.
Also that Neil Patrick Harris owes some bad people some bigtime money.
Please tell me it's gambling or drugs, Neil!
But seriously, folks, who wants to see three-dimensional Smurfs in New York City? It’s like one of those talking animal movies, except the animals are blue and one of them is voiced by Katy Perry. I dislike her on general principle, because who gets married to Russell Brand? Eck.
Dear Katy Perry, please ask your husband to keep his damn shirt buttoned up. Always.
Anyway, I’d be willing to go see Cowboys and Aliens, if anyone wants to take me. We could ogle Olivia Wilde together (she’s so pretty!) and throw popcorn at the screen whenever she talks.
I wanted my coffee with two sugars and cream, woman!
Tron Legacy is so shiny and pretty, omigod
Shiny! Pretty! Oooooooh!
For the things Tron Legacy got right, I can forgive it for the things it got wrong.
For instance, it got right not casting Shia LaBeouf as Sam Flynn. Even though I’ve never heard of Garrett Hedlund before, I really appreciate that he’s not Shia LaBeouf. That’s great news. Just great!
For an actor, not being Shia LaBeouf is even more awesome than not being Keanu Reeves.
Also, they got Jeff Bridges back, who is awesome.
Ooooooooh!
Also, the special effects are great. So shiny, squee!
Shiny!
And Olivia Wilde is totally beautiful.
And she has one of those light-up disc things.
As far as the things they got wrong, only two things stood out for me:
Young Jeff Bridges just doesn’t look human enough. The good news is, Young Jeff Bridges is a computer program or whatever, so he doesn’t have to look all that human, so it’s OK. Although still a bit creepy.
Please let this not become a thing for all movies that want to cast aging actors as their younger selves, please, please, PLEASE.
Olivia Wilde is an awfully wooden actress, but I think in this case, that will work to her favor, like Keanu Reeves’ wooden performance as Neo in The Matrix. So it’s also not a big issue, but I just can’t forgive her for ruining House for me, so I thought I should mention it.
Gah! You House-ruining ... so. Pretty.
So, I forgive you, Disney, for ruining every fairy tale ever because I like shiny things.
So. Shiny.
Hollywood Hates Me 